Madam and Missy — A Pride and Prejudice Variation
This is dedicated to all the writers both here and on KU who've released their stories for free! As I enjoy reading them so much, I thought that I'd have a go, and here it is.
[Note that I'm a Brit, so have written with British spelling, punctuation and terminology 😏]
In which Miss Bingley learns about pigs and sings a serenade
Netherfield
Miss Bingley
"Louisa! You must help me to learn the song that Darcy has been singing today," Miss Bingley ordered her sister.
"Darcy? Singing?" exclaimed Mr. Hurst. "Methinks that he is in love! Your elegance and charm have caught him, Caroline. I thought that you would never do it, so must doff my hat to you." He bowed to her, doffing an imaginary hat.
"Louisa! For once your husband has the right of it. I must thank Eliza Bonnet, for it is surely her shameless behaviour that has shown the value of my own." How dare she try to compromise him under my roof!
"That and your elegance and charm, Caroline. You ought not to compare your behaviour with Miss Elizabeth's," said Mr. Hurst with a smirk.
"You are correct, Hurst," said Miss Bingley. "Now, if I can but learn the song that Darcy has been singing, his proposal will not be further delayed. Imagine, Louisa, if he should propose while Miss Eliza is here!" When I am Mistress of Pemberley — oh!
Miss Bingley pulled her sister to the music room to practise the song.
Later in the day, Miss Bingley looked out of the window to see Darcy and Miss Eliza walking in the rose gardens. She was furious to see that their pace slowed and slowed as he repeatedly looked down at her, while she kept on looking up at him. Enough!
She hastily donned her pelisse, bonnet and gloves and dashed out to interrupt them. Discarding any charm and all elegance, she ran between beds of roses and rounded a hedge to find the pair standing very close, Darcy raising the strumpet's hand to his lips as they looked into one another's eyes.
"Darcy! D-dear Mr. D-Darcy," she cried through laboured breaths bumping hard into Elizabeth to push her away.
Miss Bingley's relief that the hand had not completed its journey to Darcy's lips was short-lived as not only did the couple not draw away from each other, but the shameless, shameless trollop winked smugly at her.
Still clutching the interloper's hands, Darcy turned to face her. "Miss Bingley, what do you mean by this behaviour?" His voice was cold.
Before Miss Bingley could protest her innocence, the hussy smirked up at Darcy, then also turned to Miss Bingley and offered a non sequitur: "Have the pigs got into the garden?"
"N-no. What pigs?"
"If you would excuse me, Mr. Darcy, Miss Bingley, I shall return to my sister," said Elizabeth. Preparing to take her leave, she clung to Darcy's sleeve and continued flirtatiously, "Perhaps you would be good enough to explain what damage pigs can do to a garden."
Miss Bingley sniffed. She had won that battle but must stop the cheap interloper from gaining any more of Darcy's attention. She took hold of his arm.
He shook off her hand, stepped away and bowed curtly. "If you will excuse me, Miss Bingley— "
"Dear, dear Darcy. You must be careful that that ill-bred hussy does not ensnare you!" she cried.
Darcy stopped and looked at her, expressionlessly, until she had to avert her gaze.
"Miss Bingley. I know not what they taught you at the school of which you boast so often. In case you were not attending, let me remind you that you do not take a gentleman's arm until he offers it— "
"But— "
"Unless I give you leave to do otherwise, you are to address me as 'Mister Darcy'. In fact, I will no longer respond if you do not address me correctly."
"But, we are such intimate friends— "
"And," he turned abruptly and spoke over his shoulder as he started to walk away, "has it not occurred to you that I should like Elizabeth to ensnare me?"
'Elizabeth'! He referred to the strumpet as 'Elizabeth'!
In her fury, Miss Bingley clenched her teeth together so hard that her head shook.
Darcy
At dinner, that evening, Miss Bingley again lashed out at Elizabeth.
"Miss —sniff— Eliza, do tell me more about your uncle in Cheapside."
"Bingley," Darcy interrupted Miss Bingley. "I have been thinking about the flooding in those two fields that we saw this morning. Almost ten years ago, my father and I had a similar problem at Pemberley— "
"Oh, Pemberley! How I long to return to Pemberley!" interjected Miss Bingley.
Darcy looked at his hostess in confusion. "I was not aware that you had been to Pemberley, Miss Bingley."
"Of course we have, dear Mr. Darcy! Not this summer, but a year ago," Miss Bingley gushed.
"Last summer? Ah, I was in the peninsula a year ago to retrieve my cousin — do you remember Bingley? I first met you after my return."
"Mm, yes, Darce. We bumped into each other at White's about eighteen months ago. You were generous enough to forgive me for spilling your drink." Mr. Bingley laughed. "I had heard of the proud, austere Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy of Pemberley in Derbyshire, and found you to be nothing of the kind."
"Remind me, Bingley, when you came to Pemberley— "
"I have not been to Pemberley, though Caroline told me all about its size and magnificence when I told her that I had met its master. You visited and were shown around by the housekeeper were not you, Caroline?"
"Mmm, that is correct," Mr. Hurst answered, taking a sip of his wine. "A lovely woman, clearly very fond of you and your sister, Darcy."
"Oh, dearest Georgiana!" Miss Bingley cried.
"'Georgiana'? To whom are you referring?"
"Why? Your dear sister, Mr. Darcy!"
"I was not aware that you had met Miss Darcy, Miss Bingley," replied Darcy, with a puzzled frown.
"We chanced upon each other in Bath a few months ago. Such a delightful young woman, so very talented. "
"Is that why you demanded that we visited Bath," asked Mr. Hurst, "to contrive a meeting with Darcy's family?"
"When did you arrive in Bath, Hurst?" asked Darcy, before Miss Bingley could answer.
Hurst named the date.
"My sister and mother had left Bath by then." Darcy caught Elizabeth's eye, thinking of the kidnapping.
"Ho, ho, ho, Caroline. Have you been lying about your friendship with Darcy," teased Mr. Hurst.
"Really, Hurst. Such close and dear friends as us— "
"Oh, Caroline, you do so exaggerate!" exclaimed Mr. Bingley. "I met Darcy barely a year and a half ago. I have never been to Pemberley, but you and the Hursts toured it with the housekeeper while Darcy was sailing off to Portugal. Then you contrived to meet his family in Bath, but arrived after they had left. You have been to Darcy House but once, when you invited yourself along with me. Now he has condescended to stay with me, a slight acquaintance, to help me learn how to manage an estate."
"I consider you, Bingley, to be more than a slight acquaintance," said Darcy.
"And we, you, dear Darcy," simpered Miss Bingley.
"Miss Bingley. I will not ask you again — please do not address me with such familiarity. I do not believe that we are close or dear friends as, before this trip to Hertfordshire, we have met but twice."
"Oh, it has been many, many times more than that, Mr. Darcy."
"Spotting him in the distance then waving and calling out to him do not count as meeting, Caroline," said Mrs. Hurst, with a sigh.
Miss Bingley glared at her sister, then at Elizabeth as if it were her fault that she had been caught in her own web of lies.
The conversation moved on with Mr. Bingley asking, yet again, about Miss Bennet's health.
Miss Bingley
After they had retired to the parlour, Miss Bingley listened in ill humour as Miss Eliza Bonnet played the pianoforte and sang to the company. She did not care for the looks that Darcy and the strumpet exchanged as the latter sang Purcell's 'Fairest Isle' — it was as if the song had meaning for them. Darcy had even offered to turn the pages of the sheet music for her. He has not done that for me. And, Miss Bingley noticed, the interloper was playing from memory — there were no pages to turn.
Deciding that their guest had exhibited long enough, Miss Bingley announced that she had a special song to sing. For a special gentleman.
She sang and the room went quiet. They have not heard such as this! She managed not to stumble over the notes as she reached the end of the first verse and looked up to see little Miss Strumpet leaving the room in tears. Excellent!
'Thus while she sleeps I sorrow for her sake,
So sleeps my Love, and yet my love doth wake.'
She had barely finished singing the chorus when Mr. Bingley marched to the piano and removed the sheets of music. He took her hands away from the keys saying, angrily, "You cannot sing this song, Caroline!"
Mr. Hurst was laughing at the brother and sister, while Darcy had his back to them.
Overcome by his feelings, no doubt.
"What is the matter?" she demanded.
"Caroline, this is an unsuitable song for a maiden, an unmarried woman, to sing," cried Mr. Bingley.
"Really, Charles. Dearest Dar— Mr. Darcy was singing it earlier," Miss Bingley protested.
"Darcy is not a maiden," Mr. Hurst pointed out, still laughing.
"I do not understand you, Charles."
"And you will not understand until you are wed!"
"Louisa, why can I not sing this song? Why did you not say so this afternoon?" Miss Bingley appealed to her sister.
"I tried to tell you, I tried." Mrs. Hurst shook her head. "You do not hear unless it is what you wish to hear."
When did Darcy leave the room? I sang that song for him!
Elizabeth
The Bennet sisters returned to Longbourn the next morning, after Elizabeth had had the great joy of awakening in her husband's arms again.
Please don't copy 😏
In which the author suggests that the anonymous reviewer who didn't like repetition might skip the next few chapters.