Madam and Missy — A Pride and Prejudice Variation
This is dedicated to all the writers both here and on KU who've released their stories for free! As I enjoy reading them so much, I thought that I'd have a go, and here it is.
[Note that I'm a Brit, so have written with British spelling, punctuation and terminology 😏]
In which Colonel Fitzwilliam and Mr. Hurst are enlisted
Updated to remove Bennet's warning to Collins (now in chapter 44) — 21 May 22
Darcy House
Darcy
"Richard! I do so wish that you would not stand on ceremony!" said Darcy, wryly, as his cousin entered his study without being announced.
"Look, Darce! Here is Weaver bringing up the rear! I am not one of those officers who lead from the safety of their command tents, you know! If I must into battle, then I shall lead from the front!"
"Colonel Fitzwilliam, sir," said the butler, drily.
"I apologise for my cousin, Weaver. He has mistaken you for one of his soldiers," said Darcy.
Weaver nodded and took his leave. Richard advanced on the brandy decanter and poured himself a generous measure, then flopped into a chair by the fire.
"I have received your summons and I am reporting for duty!" Sipping, he added, "Damned fine brandy, this."
"Many years ago, my mother advised me to compromise, so I shall compromise now and allow your claim of being summoned, though I thought that I had asked you to call when it was convenient."
"She is no good for you, you know."
"Who? My mother?"
"No," Richard lowered his voice and winked. "That Shropshire lass. Teaching you all manner of teasing and jesting." He shook his head in mock despair.
"It is of that Shropshire lass that I wish to speak." He held up a hand to forestall ribald silliness from his cousin. "Her father and youngest sister have devised a plan to sow disarray amongst the plotters, and I should like your assistance."
"To put away those rogues who attempted my father's life and who kidnapped—?" Richard leaned forward, all traces of flippancy gone.
Darcy told him about the militia and its newest member, then outlined the plan about false messages and the need for new seals. "My concern is that, although my new relatives have good ideas and are excellent at gathering and piecing together disparate information, they are not good tacticians."
"So you wish for the aid of an experienced soldier?"
"Indeed. If you can spare the time, I do."
"If it is for the purpose of rounding up those rogues, then I am sure that I can persuade my commanding officer to release me," said Richard. "When are you to return to your Salopian lass?"
"Two days' hence, if the seals are ready," replied Darcy.
"I shall accompany you. Will Bingley host me, or shall I have to bunk with Lizzy and Mary?" asked Richard with a smirk.
"Bingley will be obliging, I am sure, but I shall send an express to alert him. So, no, you will not bunk with 'Miss Elizabeth' or 'Miss Mary'." Darcy hmphed.
"Shall I have the opportunity to meet the other sisters?"
"Yes, you will meet Miss Bennet, Miss Kitty and Miss Lydia. Bingley attends Miss Jane Bennet assiduously. Miss Kitty and Miss Lydia are not yet out in society."
"Miss Jane is a beautiful blonde, I suppose?" asked Richard.
"Indeed, but I find that I prefer dark brown curls," said Darcy with a broad smile.
Richard stood and slapped his cousin's back. "Aye, I am sure that you do!" He poured himself more brandy and resumed his place by the fire.
Becoming serious, Darcy said, "I know that you are party to the 'great secret', so can tell you that I am wondering if Bingley is being considered as a groom for one of the sisters. Their father hinted at it the last time that we sat across the chessboard."
"Bingley? He is too easily distracted by the next beauty, is he not?"
"Indeed. He has money but not maturity." Darcy nodded. "He is also too easily swayed by his sister."
"Aye, I have heard of her. It would be a brave woman to take Caroline Bingley as a sister! A braver man, still, to take her as a wife!" Richard shuddered. "Talking of Miss Bingley, how go her plans to compromise you?"
It was Darcy's turn to shudder as he told his cousin of Miss Bingley's exploits.
"She sang what?"
"Missy was laughing so much that she had to leave the room. Bingley stopped his sister when she sang the chorus, and Hurst just laughed. I escaped while they were trying to explain to her why it was inappropriate."
Richard just laughed. "Perhaps she will sing it for me!"
Darcy shook his head and sighed. "Indeed!"
Longbourn
Mr. Wickham
The Bennets extended an invitation to a family dinner to Captain Carter, Mr. Wickham and Mr. Denny. They also invited the Bingleys and the Hursts.
Mr. Wickham did not know of the other guests before they arrived and was relieved to hear that Darcy had been called away to town. I shall have more time to charm Miss Elizabeth.
He was surprised to find that Elizabeth was acting as the hostess and disappointed that Captain Carter and Mr. Hurst had been placed next to her. Opposite him was the odd clergyman, devoted worshipper of Lady Catherine. Wickham wondered if Mr. Collins was party to her plots, but, after listening to the man for barely five minutes, decided that it could not be so.
From his place between the plain sister and the flirtatious one, Mr. Wickham watched, with amusement, as the parson alternated between leaning over Kitty to try to attract Elizabeth's attention and attempting to regale the soured-face Miss Bingley with tales of his marvellous patroness. If only he knew the real Lady Catherine, thought Wickham, with a small smile.
They had barely sat down, when two little girls burst into the room followed by an apologetic nanny. The children ran to Elizabeth demanding to be picked up. She did so and the men stood as she excused herself to settle them.
One of those children looks very like Miss Elizabeth! Oh, oh, Miss Elizabeth is not a maiden! Miss Elizabeth has natural children! Oh, ho, ho, Fitzy-Witzy, your ladylove is a whore!
Mr. Wickham noticed Miss Bingley's narrowed eyes of suspicion. Miss Sour Face has seen it too. He disguised a laugh of triumph as a cough and caught Miss Bingley's eye, giving her a significant look.
Miss Bingley sniffed and turned away, then turned back and nodded at him very slightly.
The flirtatious sister called his attention back to herself, but Mr. Wickham knew that he had found another pawn.
Mr. Bennet
Lydia's plan had worked well. Mr. Bennet had seen Mr. Wickham and Miss Bingley's reactions to Melissa, and their look of collusion. He found the remainder of the evening rather tiresome; between them, he and Lydia did not allow Elizabeth to be overwhelmed by the attentions of Messrs. Collins and Wickham. Unwittingly, Kitty was occupying Miss Bingley, flattering her by asking about her gowns. Mary sat with them, encouraging their guest to show off her many accomplishments whenever she seemed bent on rising to speak to Elizabeth.
Then there was poor Jane.
He freed Elizabeth from her admirers by sending her to attend Jane who was caught between her own admirers: Mr. Bingley and Captain Carter. Mary stepped in too, drawing Jane into the conversation with Miss Bingley.
Mr. Bennet noticed Mr. Hurst watching. You are not the drunkard that you feign to be.
Catching Mr. Hurst's eye, Mr. Bennet winked at him. He was delighted that Mr. Hurst winked back! Good man!
After their guests had departed, Mr. Bennet fortified himself for more of his cousin's company, summoning him to his book-room. He had allowed his daughters to experience Mr. Collins' disrespectful behaviour for a few days. Life is not all sunshine and flowers, he thought. They must be prepared to deal with hail and wasps too, but this has gone on too long.
"I flatter myself that my comical and craven patroness, her ladyship, the Lady Catherine de Bourgh would have approved of this evening's delightful company. The Netherfield ladies were charm personified and I do believe that— "
"Stop. Stop. Mr. Collins! Stop!"
"My glossy and gusty patro— "
"Mr Collins! Be quiet! Be quiet and listen to me!"
"—ness, her ladyship, the—"
"QUIET!"
Mr. Collins looked blankly at him. "I must tell you, cousin— "
"BE QUIET! STOP SPEAKING AND LISTEN!" Mr. Bennet thumped the desk making Mr. Collins jump. "Listen to me and do not speak!"
"But— "
"Not one word! Not one word or I shall get Hill to toss you out!"
Though confused, Mr. Collins obeyed.
Small mercies!
"I have waited a few days to speak with you about your behaviour, your disrespectful behaviour towards my daughters— No! Do not speak!" Mr. Bennet thumped his desk again. "The way that you look at them is inappropriate; they are not some cattle at auction but gentlewomen, your cousins, and are to be treated with respect."
Seeing Mr. Collins open his mouth to protest, he thumped the desk closer to where his cousin sat.
"You will stop leering at them! You will stop lusting after them! You will stop touching them!"
He fixed the foetid parson with a steely glare.
"Do you understand?"
"My bigamous and branching patroness, her ladyship, the Lady Catherine de Bourgh— "
"I do not care whether your despotic and domineering patroness understands; do you understand?"
It was clear that Mr. Collins did not.
Mr. Bennet slid a piece of paper, a quill and a pot of ink across the desk. "Write down what I say."
Mr. Collins took up the quill.
"I, William Collins, will not leer at my cousins."
Mr. Collins wrote.
"I, William Collins, will not lust after my cousins."
Mr. Collins wrote.
"I, William Collins, will not touch my cousins."
Mr. Collins wrote.
"Now sign and date it."
Mr. Collins signed and dated the paper.
"Now, make two copies."
Mr. Collins obeyed.
"Here," said Mr. Bennet, "this copy is for you and I shall keep the other two. If you leer at my daughters, lust after my daughters or touch any one of my daughters again, I shall send one to your indignant and intimidating patroness, her ladyship, the Lady Catherine de Bourgh by express. Am I rightly understood?"
Mr. Collins gulped and nodded.
"Now, get out!"
The door closed behind the chastened parson and Mr. Bennet swore. Lydia would be disappointed, as he, thoughts clouded by anger, had forgotten their cousin's rhyming compliments.
The following morning, while riding back from seeing one of his tenants, Mr. Bennet encountered Mr. Hurst. They bid each other good morning, and Mr. Bennet invited the other to join him as he inspected the estate.
It did not appear likely that Mr. Hurst merely happened to be riding near to Netherfield's boundary with Longbourn, so Mr. Bennet was curious. I wonder why Mr. Hurst has come looking for me. He made only general remarks, waiting for the other man to speak. Eventually, he did.
"I must thank you for the entertainment, last night, sir," said Mr. Hurst.
"'Entertainment'?"
"Yes," laughed Mr. Hurst. "Your daughters' dance."
"'Dance'?"
"Yes, their dance. Miss Lydia chaperoning Miss Elizabeth and Mr. Wickham, or should I say guarding Miss Elizabeth from Mr. Wickham?"
"'Guarding'?"
"Yes, and that lovely performance by your wards to pique Mr. Wickham's curiosity. You noticed, just as I did, that both he and my sister were suspicious."
"'Performance'?"
"Yes — performance. The only members of your family not performing appeared to be Miss Bennet and Miss Kitty." Mr. Hurst drew his horse to a halt.
Mr. Bennet stopped a few yards further on and turned his head to face Mr. Hurst. "Is it not natural for sisters to take care of each other?" he asked.
"For my wife and her sister, it is not!" Mr. Hurst brought his horse alongside Mr. Bennet's and continued. "You are planning something and I should like to be a part of your plan."
"'Plan'?"
Mr. Hurst urged his horse onwards. Mr. Bennet did likewise.
"Did you know that I once had a younger sister? I do not mean Caroline. She was eight years my junior — a lovely, trusting girl — in nature much like your eldest, but in looks more like Miss Elizabeth." He sighed. "If I should tell you that she was charmed by a bastard called George Wickham, would you be able to guess the remainder of the tale?"
"Yes, I am afraid so, but please tell me all the same," replied Mr. Bennet. Let us see if his story tallies with the report.
"Your report on me— "
"'Report'?"
"Yes, your report! I know that you have been making enquiries about Charles and myself. You wish to determine if he would make a suitable husband for Miss Bennet. I doubt not that your agents made enquiries about me too, as he and I spend much time together."
Mr. Bennet shrugged noncommittally and remained silent.
Mr. Hurst started to become angry. "You play the part of an idle gentleman, a doting but rather negligent father, a lackadaisical neighbour. Used to this behaviour, your neighbours do not see what the newly arrived see. You are very clever and very observant. Your daughters, though not finely dressed, are also clever and are well educated. Caroline can see no further than their lack of fashionable dresses, but am I not the only gentleman to delight in their informed conversation."
"What do you infer from this?"
"That you are not an idle gentleman; that you are a most attentive father and that you are a most diligent neighbour!"
"Go on," prompted Mr. Bennet. Another observant man.
"Blast!" Mr. Hurst cried, before taking a few breaths to calm himself. "It is many months, years, since I have allowed myself to become so enraged."
"You were telling me of a report," Mr. Bennet prompted his companion again.
"Yes, your report. It, no doubt, contains only the facts of his seduction and my sister's subsequent death in childbirth. What it does not contain is how her death hurt my mother most cruelly, leading to her own death from grief. As she was my half-sister, we did not have the same family name — Wickham is unlikely to know who I am." He paused, distress filling his face. "He is unlikely to remember her."
"The report does tell of your mother's grief," said Mr. Bennet, kindly. "It also tells of the lengths to which you went to try to find your sister's seducer."
"Much like your youngest daughter, I adopt a façade — both of silliness — hers flirtatious and mine mocking. I should like to be my own man again, Mr. Bennet. Would you allow me to join your plan?"
Mr. Bennet rode in silence for a few minutes before asking, "What do you suppose my plan is? I ask you as, if your passions are roused by thoughts of vengeance, you would be no help to me."
"As long as Wickham ends his life dancing at the end of a rope, I shall submit to your bidding."
"Allow me to think on this while you tell me more that you know about Wickham and what else you have noticed while here in Hertfordshire."
Mr. Hurst chuckled.
"What do you find amusing?"
"Caroline. She insists upon calling things by the wrong names. She cannot grasp that we are in Hertfordshire not Herefordshire or Hampshire," replied Mr. Hurst. "She remembers Derbyshire, of course!"
"Of course!" agreed Mr. Bennet.
Mr. Hurst had little new to tell him of Mr. Wickham, but his observations of the townsfolk were keen; Mr. Bennet shared his laughter at some of their follies and foibles.
"It is one of my own party who interests me most," Mr. Hurst said. "Two of my own party — my sister Caroline and her attempts to catch, compromise, sink her claws into Darcy, and his efforts to remain a gentleman while escaping her! Caroline cannot, will not, see what she does not wish to see, so has not seen just how much Darcy is attracted to your second daughter."
"Is he?"
"You know full well that he is! Huh! I should like to see the report that you have on him! I do hope that, apart from his wealth, you have found that he is an excellent man."
"To quote the gentleman himself, 'indeed'!"
"Bingley, on the other hand— " Hurst paused.
"Yes?"
"Bingley is too inconstant. No; he is constant in his amiability and is constant in his pursuit of pretty, fair-haired women. Wherever we go, he attends such women. Each is his 'angel', beauty and grace personified, until he meets the next divine being. Did your report say as much?"
"Yes," Mr. Bennet admitted.
"I surmise that Miss Bennet has read the report. That would explain the third dance of last night — Miss Elizabeth and Miss Mary seeing to Miss Bennet."
Their ride had taken them back towards Longbourn.
"Thank you for such an interesting morning, Mr. Hurst," began Mr. Bennet.
"Would you not call me 'Hurst'?"
"With thanks, I think not; others might notice such familiarity. We should remain mere acquaintances — I shall maintain the role of lackadaisical neighbour while you keep your mocking silliness. Do pay us a visit with your inconstant brother and your excellent friend now and then. Join me for a game of chess or backgammon, perhaps, so that we can be seen to become better acquainted."
"I shall. Good morning, Mr. Bennet, or 'Mr. Bonnet', as Caroline calls you!"
With that, Mr. Hurst rode way towards Netherfield, as Mr. Bennet returned home.
Very interesting, but will his very understandable desire to avenge his sister's death make him blind to the greater plan?
Please don't copy 😏
In which the author rethinks the theft of the charming bracelet. At first, Caroline didn't pocket it, then I went back and wrote that in. There followed several sections in the charming bracelet's POV: the unpleasantness of Caroline's other jewellery; its anguish and despair before the stalwart Stevens used his fencing prowess to rescue it; its tearful reunion with Lizzy; its mixed feelings of pride and outrage at Caroline appearing with her copy. Since this seemed a fantasy too far (and, possibly, isn't completely true) , I've removed it all; Caroline no longer kidnaps the charming bracelet. I hope that you're not too disappointed.
• craven (adj) cowardly; spiritless
There seemed to be some concern that Mr. Bennet and Darcy had allowed Collins and Caroline, respectively, to go too far, so I've moved up the sections where they deal with them.