Madam and Missy — A Pride and Prejudice Variation
This is dedicated to all the writers both here and on KU who've released their stories for free! As I enjoy reading them so much, I thought that I'd have a go, and here it is.
[Note that I'm a Brit, so have written with British spelling, punctuation and terminology 😏]
In which Miss Bingley's spite continues and Colonel Fitzwilliam talks of knitting
Netherfield
Darcy
Darcy and Richard arrived at Netherfield and rode directly to the stables. Stevens met them in Darcy's chambers.
"Sir. Colonel."
"Stevens, good man," said Richard in greeting. "How goes it?"
"Well, sir, thank you for asking. And yourself?"
"I am here to sort out Darcy's love life! I am sure that I can rely on your assistance!"
"Yes, sir. Of course."
"Stevens, would you let Mr. Bingley know that we have arrived? Unless he is at Longbourn."
"I shall find out, sir," said Stevens, leaving them.
They had barely chance to refresh themselves, when a knock at the door presaged the arrival of Mr. Bingley. He and the colonel greeted each other, and Netherfield's master said that rooms had been readied for his new guest.
The three men sat and chatted by the fire. Richard quizzed Mr. Bingley about the local ladies, teasing his host when he spoke of his latest 'angel'.
Later that evening, they met the Hursts and Miss Bingley for dinner. The latter did not pay much attention to Richard, but attempted to impress Darcy by displaying her organisational skills.
"Charles, you must hold a ball!" she cried to her brother.
"Do you think so?" he replied.
"We should show these uncultured peasants how a real ball is done." She turned to Richard and continued, "When we first arrived here in Herefordshire, we attended a dreadful assembly. There was no style, no fashion and such poor manners."
"Much of the latter displayed by one person," quipped Mr. Hurst.
"Yes, that strumpet, Miss —sniff— Eliza Bonnet. She was so rude, was she not, Dar— Mr. Darcy?"
Darcy flinched as he felt her foot caress his own under the table.
"Caroline; they were extremely welcoming," interjected Mr. Bingley.
"Really, Charles," Miss Bingley sniffed. "That plain one who is always hanging onto poor Mr. Darcy was very impertinent."
"Oh, how was that, Miss Bingley?" asked Richard, with a wink at Darcy.
"You will not believe it when I tell you, Colonel. She was constantly flirting — she even danced with Hurst!"
"I asked her, Caroline, and enjoyed the dance as she is very well informed and witty," Mr. Hurst pointed out.
"Really, Hurst. She was not so well informed as you think as she does not know of the fashion for the mantra." She sniffed again. "I refused to tell her of it, of course, even though she begged me for details."
Richard guffawed. "Which mantra is this, Miss Bingley? I believe that there is more than one."
"I must confess, Colonel," said Mr. Hurst, with a mischievous expression, "that I mentioned the mantra to Miss Elizabeth. I could tell her only of its charm and elegance."
"Aye, 'charm and elegance' — that mantra," Richard acknowledged, before turning back to his hostess. "Will you have a mantra at the ball here, Miss Bingley? If so, I shall petition you to save it for me."
"Richard," said Darcy in a warning tone.
"You are too late, cousin. I have already asked Miss Bingley; you will have to find another partner. You might have to stand up with an impertinent local miss instead."
"I shall be delighted to accept, Colonel, but dear Darcy will have to sit it out as the locals will not know it."
"I am sure that I shall not mind watching you, Miss Bingley."
She preened and, taking advantage of their attention, said, "Colonel, I beg you to not visit the Bonnets as Charles and Darcy do almost every day."
"Why should I not? I should like to get the measure of this impertinent miss, and to meet Bingley's latest angel."
"'Angel'? Huh!" she scoffed. "I was most surprised to discover that the Bonnet girls were reputed to be beauties — I saw no beauty in any of them. Miss Bonnet is, I suppose, moderately attractive, but Miss Eliza? I should as soon call their mother a wit!"
"Caroline, they have no mother," began Mr. Bingley, as the others sat up in shock.
"Mr. Bonnet's by-blows, are they?" Miss Bingley laughed at her own words.
"No, Miss Bingley. Their mother, Mrs. Bennet, died around fifteen years ago," said Darcy, coldly.
"And now Eliza has her own by-blows!"
"CAROLINE!" shouted Mr. Bingley. "How dare you say something so shocking?"
"Really, Charles. The twins look so like her, especially the darker-haired one. Mr. Wickham noticed it too. Miss Eliza is a strumpet!"
"Miss Martha and Miss Melissa are Mr. Bennet's wards, Caroline. Both Darcy and I have told you, as has Mr. Bennet himself."
"One of the brats called Mr. Bonnet, 'Grandpappa'. You heard her yourself, Darcy."
Darcy did not reply, but continued eating.
"Did you not hear her, Darcy?" Miss Bingley asked again.
Still, he did not reply.
"Are you not attending, cousin?" Richard asked.
"Oh, did someone say something to me?"
"Our hostess asked you about Mr. Bennet's wards," said Richard.
"I apologise, I heard not my name."
"We were talking of the brats calling Mr. Bonnet, 'Grandpappa', Darcy," Miss Bingley repeated.
Darcy sighed. "Again, Miss Bingley, as I have not given you leave to be so informal, I shall not acknowledge you unless you call me by my title. And again, Miss Bingley, the girls are Mr. Bennet's wards, he told you so when Miss Martha distracted him during our game of chess."
"But who is their mother?" insisted Miss Bingley, her voice becoming shrill. "Eliza Strumpet, that is who! And I have the proof that she is a fallen woman!"
"Proof? What proof?" Mr. Bingley demanded.
"When she and her sister finally returned to Longboat, having invited themselves to stay here, I found a letter left behind in her chambers," Miss Bingley announced.
"Have you returned it?"
"Really, Charles. Am I to gad about the county returning lost love-letters?"
"If you give it to me, I shall return it on the morrow," Mr. Bingley insisted.
"I think not, brother, now that I have the proof that she is nothing but a common tart!"
Darcy could barely restrain himself, he was so angry. Richard must have seen his thunderous expression, so asked, "May I see the letter, Miss Bingley? If it is as damning as you claim— "
"Certainly, Colonel." Miss Bingley took the letter from her reticule and handed it to him.
Darcy recognised his own hand and watched Richard's eyebrows rise as he read it.
"Do you see what concerns me, Colonel? No proper young woman should have such a letter."
"All this says is that the writer misses someone addressed as 'My only'," said Richard. "There is no indication of who it was sent to, or who wrote it. Or, indeed, when."
"It was for Miss Eliza! I found it hidden in her book when I searched her chamber!"
Cries of "Caroline!" and "You did what!" filled the room.
"See, it is signed 'W' for 'Wickham'." Miss Bingley ignored their censure.
Richard handed the letter to Darcy. "Would you return this to Miss Elizabeth when you next visit her father?" Darcy nodded.
"No, I need that letter," Miss Bingley protested, holding out her hand.
"I think not," Darcy managed to say, as he put it in his breast pocket.
"Give it to me!"
Mr. Hurst snorted and explained why she should not have it. "If a gentleman were to hand an unmarried woman such a letter, she might cry 'compromise'. Thus Darcy cannot give it to you."
Darcy felt his temper rise, but caught a warning glance from his cousin.
"I have found myself to be curious, Miss Bingley," said Richard. "When you make such accusations about a local gentlewoman, what can be your purpose?"
"A 'gentlewoman'? No, Colonel, you are quite wrong. Miss Eliza is no such thing! You have seen the proof; held it in your own hands! Dear Darcy will agree with me, I am quite certain."
Acknowledging Richard's second pointed look to remain polite, Darcy said sternly. "I am not your dear, not your dear anything. Take note: Miss Elizabeth, all of the Misses Bennet, are gentlewomen as they are daughters of a gentleman. I am a gentleman; they are my equals. You are the daughter of a tradesman, an honourable and wealthy tradesman, but a tradesman all the same."
"But, but, they have nothing— "
"They have their gentility!"
"Their gowns are out of date and their— "
"Oh, Caroline! You are not listening!" interjected Mr. Hurst. "The Bennet girls have far more than you do— "
"Really, Hurst! I have twenty thousand— "
"As well as their gentility, they have educations— "
"They did not go to a seminary, the finest seminary, as I did, so— "
"They have a governess and an educated father who has raised them to be kind— "
"'Kind'!"
"—caring, compassionate and charitable— "
"You forgot diligent and dutiful," added Darcy, grateful for Mr. Hurst's intervention.
"Ah, so I did, but I was going to add elegant and charming," replied Mr. Hurst with a nod.
Darcy caught Richard's eye again. They exchange a look born of many years' friendship.
"Miss Bingley," said Darcy. "I have an important question for you." He ignored Richard's snigger.
"Yes, dear Darcy, yes."
"Why might any gentleman, nay, any man at all, duke or peasant, choose a woman with nothing to offer but twenty thousand words of malice, when he could choose a charming, caring gentlewoman like one of the Bennets?" He stood, pushing his chair back noisily.
"But Miss Eliza is a light-skirt, not a gentlewoman!"
"MISS BINGLEY! I shall not, I will not, hear another word from you on the subject of the Bennets. If you persist in your slander, I shall bespeak my uncle Darcy, the judge, to advise their relative, the country attorney whom you dismiss as beneath you, how to sue you for every farthing of your twenty thousand!"
Richard also stood. "If you would excuse me, Miss Bingley. I should like to withdraw my request for the mantra. Come, Darce, let us leave Bingley to rein in his sister."
Darcy allowed Richard to lead him up to his chambers then, behind the closed and locked door, sagged into a chair.
"Thank you."
"Aye, I could see that her bile and spite was upsetting you. Best out of there before you say something even more inappropriate. You did well to not punch her in the face! Fancy searching Lizzy's belongings!."
Stevens appeared from the dressing room and handed an acorn to Darcy.
"A love token! Good man, Stevens!" cried Richard.
"Colonel," nodded Stevens.
"What did that poet say about music charming savage beasts? He had it wrong for it was an acorn 'softening rocks and knotting trees'. Something like that. Perhaps it was 'knitting trees'. I know not."
"'Knitting trees'?" laughed Darcy, allowing himself to be distracted. "Did you not learn anything at Cambridge?"
"Very little," admitted Richard. "I certainly did not learn to knit. I can darn, though. Have to, you know, when fighting for King and country."
They sat in companionable silence for a long time, sipping the brandy provided by Stevens, until a knock came at the door.
"Beware! Boarders!" cried Richard.
Stevens unlocked and opened the door to admit Mr. Bingley.
"I say, Darcy, Colonel, I am sorry for Caroline's behaviour," Mr. Bingley began. "No, do not wave it away, she was rude both to you and about the Bennets. And searching a guest's belongings." He shook his head. "Would you really speak to your uncle?"
Darcy shrugged. "If she does not stop, maybe I should."
Richard gave Darcy a knowing look and asked Mr. Bingley, "Do you think that there is any truth in her claims?"
"Ha! Not at all! Not at all! Miss Elizabeth has dark hair, Miss Melissa has dark hair. Lots of people have dark hair. Darcy has dark hair. Next, Caroline will be claiming that the little girls are Darcy's natural children."
Bingley laughed soundly at this idea. Richard joined him, while Darcy managed to smile as if amused.
"What time do we leave in the morning to meet this impertinent strumpet and her angelic sister, Bingley?"
"Mid-morning. Before Caroline has awoken!"
"Aye, very good, Bingley. I shall look forward to meeting her and your latest angel."
The colonel and Mr. Bingley bade Darcy good night and left. After a few minutes, Richard returned.
"I shall join you for your tryst at sun-up." Seeing Darcy's displeasure, he continued, "I shall not tarry, but should like to see how the land lies and see the famous oak tree."
"Very well," conceded Darcy.
Richard left; Darcy locked the door, placed the wine bottles and waited, impatiently, for the morning.
Miss Bingley
Deaf to Darcy's censure and having no idea why her brother was so cross, Miss Bingley turned to her sister for support.
"Louisa, we shall have a ball and it will not include a mantra. My first thoughts were correct — it ought not be shared with such savages. It was cruel of Colonel Fitzwilliam to suggest it. I should have preferred to dance it with Darcy anyway."
"Yes, Caroline," sighed Mrs. Hurst.
"We shall dance the mantra at our engagement ball. Only the very best people will attend, none of these peasants. Certainly not Eliza Strumpet!"
Hurst looked at her sharply and said, "Did you not hear anything that Darcy said? You will not ensnare him by slandering Miss Elizabeth, you know. Your obvious dislike for her will poison his feelings toward you."
"Nonsense. 'Tis slander only if it is not true. Those twins are Eliza's natural children. Dear Darcy will thank me with his proposal when I prove it to him!" She stood and continued, staring down at him. "When I am Mistress of Pemberley, I shall cut you if you continue to thwart me."
"I shall look forward to it," he replied, also standing. "Come, Louisa."
Mrs. Hurst bade her sister good night and left with her husband.
"I shall hold the best ball that Hampshire has ever seen. Then I shall conquer London on Darcy's arm!" she announced to the empty room. Now, how to get rid of Eliza.
Recalling the officer who had stared at her at the awful dinner a few days earlier, she wondered if she could enlist his help.
Please don't copy 😏