Madam and Missy — A Pride and Prejudice Variation

This is dedicated to all the writers both here and on KU who've released their stories for free! As I enjoy reading them so much, I thought that I'd have a go, and here it is.

[Note that I'm a Brit, so have written with British spelling, punctuation and terminology 😏]

In which Mr. Bennet gains a lady's favour, and Matlock meets his new nieces

Updated to make Collins less ridiculous — 21 May 22

Matlock House

Mr. Bennet

By late morning, Mr. Bennet and Richard had arrived at Matlock House and were ensconced in the earl's study. Richard had had the difficult task of telling his father what the Bennets had discovered.

Stunned, Matlock sat and stared blankly into the distance.

"Boar?"

"Yes."

"Bull?"

"Yes, Father."

"And Eagle?"

"Yes, it appears so," said Mr. Bennet.

Matlock shook his head uncomprehendingly. "You tell me that my oldest friends conspired to kill me?"

The other men remained silent — there were no words possible of comfort, but Richard stood and poured three glasses of brandy. After many minutes of quiet contemplation, absentmindedly sipping from his glass, the earl sat up.

"Well, son. Well, Bennet. I can call you 'Bennet'?"

"Of course, my lord," replied Mr. Bennet.

"And you will call me 'Matlock'."

Mr. Bennet nodded in acknowledgement of the honour.

"Well, what are we to do?"

"As I said, Mr. Bennet and his daughter are accomplished at gathering information; and, apparently, Miss Lydia is especially able to draw the threads of information together. Having accumulated this information, they asked me to help them to decide what to do with it," Richard replied.

"We arrest the scoundrels! Hold them to account! Expose them!"

"Father, we are going to need proof and witnesses."

"Very well," Matlock reluctantly conceded. He sat, tapping his fingers on the arm of his chair to an unheard beat. He stood and distractedly added more brandy to his own glass.

Mr. Bennet shook his head when Richard indicated that he, too, was welcome to more brandy.

Matlock paced, stood by the window staring into nothingness, paced again, sat down and started tapping again. Eventually, he spoke. "I shall accompany you back to Hertfordshire. Do you have room for me and my man to stay with you, Bennet?"

"We have a guest staying with us, but the girls will readily share— "

"No, no, I shall not inconvenience them," Matlock said "A local inn will suffice."

"The mistress' rooms are not in use. Might they do?"

"Yes. A bed is a bed, after all. And a cot for my man?"

"Certainly, my— Matlock."

Matlock left the room to give instructions to his valet and to ask his wife, Lady Harriet, to speak with Richard and to meet Mr. Bennet before they departed.

A cheerful woman entered Matlock's study. Richard introduced her as his mother, Lady Harriet Fitzwilliam. As Mr. Bennet bowed over her hand, a voice said,

"Is this a new butler?"

Mr. Bennet straightened to find a very small, very elderly woman peering up at him.

"No, Mother," Lady Harriet replied. "Allow me to introduce Mr. Thomas Bennet to you. Mr. Bennet, this is my mother, Lady Prudence Tenston."

Of Shropshire, Mr. Bennet realised.

Lady Prudence examined him carefully before holding out her hand and saying, "Very well. He will do nicely. You may bow over my hand now, young man."

Amused to be called a young man, Mr. Bennet did as bidden. Catching the mischief in her eyes, he also kissed the proffered hand.

"Oh, my!" exclaimed Lady Prudence, as her daughter and grandson chuckled. "Butlers were not so bold in my day." Clutching a hand to her throat, she said, as if in an aside, to Lady Harriet, "Did Tommy kiss your hand, too?"

Mr. Bennet laughed; he had not been called 'Tommy' since boyhood, and found that he rather liked it.

"No, Mother, he did not." Lady Harriet extended her hand towards Mr. Bennet again. He did his duty and kissed it, too.

"Bennet!" Matlock's booming voice called from the doorway. "Are you flirting with my wife?"

"No, no!" Lady Prudence said, coquettishly, "The new butler is flirting with me."

The earl approached his mother-in-law, saying, "Not every visitor to the house is a new servant."

"Nonsense, distant son-in-law! See, see: the new butler is already a slave to my beauty. It is a curse wherever I go." She spotted Richard leaning against the door jamb laughing, and continued, "I keep this young soldier as my bodyguard to keep the army of admirers, the swathes of sweethearts and the veritable bevy of beaux under control." She sighed. "As this new butler has breached the defences, I shall have to consider your position, young man. Stop slouching! Stand up straight! Hmph, that is a better position."

"We should take our leave, Harriet, Mother— " began Matlock.

"And where do you think that you are going, young man?"

"We are off to Bennet's estate in Hertfordshire— "

"'Estate'? The new butler has an estate. I never heard of such a thing. Why are you working as a butler if you have an estate?" Lady Prudence shook her head as if in disbelief.

Mr. Bennet was enjoying Lady Prudence's silliness, so played along. "I have a great many daughters to feed and clothe, my lady, so have come to London to make my fortune."

"Ah. How many is a great many?" Lady Prudence's eyes narrowed in suspicion.

Frowning, he counted slowly on his fingers as trying to recall each daughter, shook his head and started again. Giving up, he replied with a weary sigh, "A great many, my lady." He looked hopefully at her. "They have no mother, my lady— "

Richard laughed again and said, "Grandmamma— "

"Hush, child! Call me not 'Grandmamma' when I am interviewing a new devotee." She returned to Mr. Bennet. "A great many daughters with no mother? Mm. Have you no sons?"

"Alas, no, my lady."

"Would you like mine?"

Mr. Bennet felt it best to not answer but wondered what her ladyship would say next.

Pointing at Matlock, Lady Prudence said, "That is one of my distant sons; he might suit you, if you would prefer one with a loud voice." Gesturing towards Richard, she continued, "If you would rather a son in a red uniform, you are welcome to have that one."

Delighted, Mr. Bennet noticed the Matlocks' interest as they watched Richard's face redden.

"Ah, that is much better, now your face matches your uniform — those Frenchies will not spot you in such a disguise."

"We must leave now," announced Matlock. "Are you to accompany us, Bennet, or will you remain here with my ladies?"

Mr. Bennet took Lady Prudence's hand in both of his. "I must away, my lady," he cried as he pressed a kiss to it. "Forget me not, I beg you. Forget me not!"

Lady Prudence searched her pockets with her free hand and withdrew a handkerchief. "Take this favour, Sir Tommy; I shall await your return."

Mr. Bennet accepted the cloth, bowed smartly, spun on his heels and left the study. Matlock and Richard followed him, laughing.

Matlock pounded him on the back. "Well done, Bennet. Well done!"

Longbourn

The men returned to Hertfordshire in Mr. Bennet's carriage. Matlock's was to follow later with his valet. On the journey, turning to more serious matters, Richard and Mr. Bennet told the earl of the cyphers; of Mr. Wickham's perfidy; of Lady Catherine's involvement with the anti-abolitionists; of the presence of her parson, Mr. Collins, at Longbourn; and of Miss Bingley's machinations. Matlock guffawed at the tales of attempted compromise and was astonished to hear of his nephews' marriages to two of Mr. Bennet's daughters.

"You and your skills are obviously highly prized, Bennet!" Matlock bowed his head to his host.

Mr. Bennet nodded in return at the compliment.

"And you have had to keep this a secret for many years?"

Mr. Bennet nodded again.

Arriving at Longbourn in the late evening, Mr. Bennet took Fitzwilliam father and son into his book-room and asked Mrs. Hill to bring them something to eat and to ensure that the mistress' rooms were readied for a guest. He also asked her to send for Lydia.

Lydia knocked on and opened the book-room door to admit Mrs. Hill carrying a large tray. When the door was closed again. As Mr. Bennet started to perform the introductions, Richard corrected him, introducing Lydia as 'General Bennet'.

"I wished for you to meet Lord Matlock first, Lydia, as he is interested in your discoveries. I assume that Mr. Collins is making a nuisance of himself and following Lizzy about, so will send you back to distract him soon, so that his lordship can meet her and Mary."

"Yes, Pappa," said Lydia with a delighted smile.

"Is Darcy still here, child?"

"Yes, Pappa. He and Stevens have doggedly ignored any hints from Mr. Collins that they should leave. Surprisingly, Mr. and Mrs. Hurst stayed most of the day, too — the former also doing his best to thwart Mr. Collins," Lydia replied.

The small group sat and ate and drank, while Lydia showed Matlock the messages that they had intercepted and deciphered. Mr. Bennet watched, impressed and proud, as his seemingly flightiest daughter spoke with confidence and authority. Matlock paid keen attention, asking insightful questions. Eventually, he sat back and started to tap the edge of the desk. Mr. Bennet caught Richard's eye, recognising that this was Matlock's behaviour when thinking.

Mr. Bennet asked Lydia to leave them and to ask Elizabeth, Mary and Darcy to join them, "If you can prise them away from our cousin."

After loudly wishing the occupants of the parlour a good night, Elizabeth and Mary arrived first and, clearly surprised, were introduced to Matlock.

"Lord Matlock," they both said as they curtseyed to him.

"No. I shall be 'Uncle Hugh', as I understand that you are my nieces." He bowed over each of their hands. "It ought to be 'Uncle Fitzwilliam', but there are a lot of us Fitzwilliams and if you were to say the name, too many would respond." He laughed and turned to Mary. "Including you, Mrs. Fitzwilliam!"

There was some noise outside the room and the sound of the front door closing. Mr. Bennet noticed that Elizabeth was the only person not surprised when there followed a tapping at the window. He opened it to allow Darcy to clamber in.

"Uncle!" cried the incomer. "What do you do here?"

"I am come to meet the commanding officer, young Darcy," replied Matlock, shaking Darcy's hand. "And, for the pleasure of meeting my new nieces."

Richard explained his father's decision to return with them from London. They chatted for a while, getting to know each other, then Mr. Bennet suggested that his daughters retired, while the men continued their discussion. "I know that you have much to contribute but you will be up early tomorrow morning with the little ones, and I should like Lydia to re-join us."

Elizabeth and Mary left, but not before Darcy had kissed his wife's hand in reluctant farewell. Mr. Bennet excused himself and went to the parlour to collect Lydia and to send his other daughters to bed. Mr. Collins looked irritated to be abandoned, and cried, querulously,

"Your daughters have spent the day idly, entertaining guests who outstayed their welcome, and now, before I have had time to spend any time alone with them, have retired for the night."

Mr. Bennet sighed, wishing that he had not asked. "I see. My daughters behaved as gentlewomen regardless of the behaviour of our guests, invited or not, and I, their father, have sent them to bed."

"I do not wish to speak ill of Mr. Darcy, the nephew of my— "

"But you will, regardless," muttered Mr. Bennet, shaking his head wondering how he had become caught in yet more idiotic conversation with his cousin.

" —but he stayed all day, no matter how many times I pointed out that he had stayed beyond polite visiting hours."

There was no reasoning with the man. "I thank you for drawing this to my attention. I shall speak with Mr. Darcy and thank him for his kind attentions to my family."

Mr. Collins bobbed his head up and down in agreement. "Now, Cousin, as you have not had my company today, devoted as I have been to your guests, it is incumbent upon me to join you to— "

"You are welcome to join me, as I could do with someone casting another eye over last year's accounts. My totals are awry by three and six ha'penny, and your help in tracking down the mistakes would be marvellous. It should take us but four or five hours, if we split the task between us." Mr. Bennet clapped his alarmed guest on the back and continued, "Shall we get started?"

As Mr. Collins excused himself and fled upstairs, Mr. Bennet returned to the book-room to find the others sniggering like young children. Three shillings, six pennies and a shiny ha'penny were lined up on his desk.

Hmph!

It was very much later that they finished their discussion, Mr. Bennet having dispatched a yawning Lydia to bed at midnight. Darcy and the colonel returned to Netherfield in the dark, grateful for a moonlit night.

Matlock lingered the following morning in order to meet his great nieces, then returned to London, promising to see what he could discover.

Please don't copy 😏

In which the author hopes that you like Lady Pru. SPOILER: she reappears ...