Madam and Missy — A Pride and Prejudice Variation
This is dedicated to all the writers both here and on KU who've released their stories for free! As I enjoy reading them so much, I thought that I'd have a go, and here it is.
[Note that I'm a Brit, so have written with British spelling, punctuation and terminology 😏]
In which there is a dragon! No, no, despite the need to suspend one's disbelief, this is not that sort of fantasy
Updated to give Lizzy more gumption and to move the alternative version to a footnote — 21 May 22
Longbourn
Elizabeth
Every day, Mr. Collins wrote to Lady Catherine, asking for her advice and wisdom. He seemed overly proud and pompously flattered by the response to his letters — her arrival at Longbourn.
Not waiting to be announced, she pushed past Mrs. Hill into the parlour.
"Which of you is the hussy?" she demanded, pointing her walking stick at each in turn.
Jane stood and curtseyed to the intruder and said, "I am sorry madam, I do not know who you are and there is no such here."
Mr. Collins slid into the room behind her, bobbing up and down with self-important subservience and sycophancy. "This is my buttered and brackish patroness, her ladyship, the Right Honourable Lady Catherine de Bourgh," he announced, slipping back into his subservient manner.
The Bennet sisters curtseyed. Lady Catherine did not acknowledge them.
"Which is the hussy?" She pointed at Kitty who burst into tears. "Is it you?"
"N-no, my lady. I am not a— " sobbed Kitty.
Elizabeth said quietly to Jane, "Take Kitty away and send John to look for Father." Then she addressed Mary, "Please ask Mrs. Hill for some tea."
Lydia came to stand closer to her sister.
"I shall not have tea with a fallen woman!" Lady Catherine looked between them. "Which is the fallen woman, Mr. Collins?"
"I kn-know not, my lady," admitted Mr. Collins.
"Useless! You are useless! Get out of my sight!"
"B-but, my lady— " Mr. Collins protested.
"Out! Now!" She raised her stick as if to strike him.
Snarling, Lady Catherine approached the sisters, "One of you has natural children and is passing them off as your father's wards. Who? Who is it?"
Melissa and Martha chose that moment to enter the parlour. Lady Catherine looked at them, then turned to address Elizabeth with malice. "You! You are the harlot!"
Lydia shooed the girls out of the door and returned to stand by Elizabeth. Neither spoke, but watched the accuser in silence.
"I know your scheme! You think to attach yourself to my nephew to give your misbegotten brats a name. You shall not have him — he is promised to my daughter. What do you have to say to that?" She leaned forward to glare into Elizabeth's face. "Tell me now that you will not accept an offer from my nephew!"
Silently cursing the 'great secret', Elizabeth retorted, "If your nephew chooses me, what is it to you?"
"Heaven and earth! Of what are you thinking? Are the shades of Pemberley to be thus polluted?" Lady Catherine thumped the foot of her walking stick at Elizabeth's feet.
"'Polluted'? What do you mean?".
"Why? Darcy's ancestors would be appalled at such a girl as you becoming Pemberley's mistress. My daughter is formed for my nephew, not this wanton creature using her arts and allurements!"
"La! Lizzy has neither arts nor allurements. And if she had, she would be the last person to confess it," interjected Lydia.
Oh, I might some arts and allurements!
"Miss Bennet, do you know who I am?" continued Lady Catherine, ignoring the interruption. "I have not been accustomed to such language as this. I am the nearest relation he has in the world and am entitled to know all his dearest concerns."
"Are his mother and his sister not closer relatives than you? And the earl and the bishop, are they not as close as you?" Lydia asked, before continuing insolently, "Even if you were entitled to know all about Mr. Darcy, you are certainly not entitled to know my sister's concerns."
"Nor will such behaviour as this ever induce me to be explicit," added Elizabeth.
"Let me be rightly understood. This match, to which you have the presumption to aspire, can never take place. Mr. Darcy is engaged to my daughter. Now what have you to say?"
"Only this; that if this is so, you can have no reason to suppose he will make an offer to me. But, if it not so, why is not he to make another choice? And if I am that choice, why may not I accept him?"
"Because, if you wilfully act thus, you will be censured, slighted and despised by everyone connected with him. Your alliance will be a disgrace; your name will never even be mentioned by any of us."
"These are heavy misfortunes," replied Elizabeth. "But the wife of Mr. Darcy must have such extraordinary sources of happiness necessarily attached to her situation, that she could, upon the whole, have no cause to repine." Oh so true!
Lady Catherine redirected her attack. "I hear that you were giving your favours to another of my nephews only a few days ago! Is that it?" Her spittle hit Elizabeth's chin. "One nephew is the father of your natural children, but you want the other for his wealth."
Elizabeth's patience ended. "You have insulted me in every possible method, I must tell you to leave." I see why William does not care for you.
"I shall not go away until you have given me the assurance I require — tell me once and for all, are you engaged to him?"
"I am not." I am wed to him.
Lady Catherine seemed pleased. "And will you promise me, never to enter into such an engagement?"
"I shall make no promise of the kind."
"Obstinate, headstrong girl. I had hoped to find you reasonable; but, depend upon it, I shall carry my point."
Mary had brought Mr. Hill to the parlour door. He and the sisters stood and stared at Lady Catherine until she turned and left. They followed her to the front door as if herding her, to find Mr. Collins hopping from foot to foot, anxiously awaiting his patroness by her carriage. They heard her muttering, "I shall know how to act." Then she snapped at the snivelling parson, "I am most seriously displeased."
Forlornly, Mr. Collins looked after her carriage as it rolled away. "She did not answer my pleas for guidance. She did not stay to tell Mr. Bennet how to rear his daughters."
Elizabeth, Mary and Lydia exchanged relieved, but worried glances as they returned inside. Mr. Collins trailed after them, demanding to know what his patroness had been saying to them.
Netherfield Miss Bingley
"Lady Catherine de Bourgh, sir, madam," a footman announced as the irate woman pushed past him.
Mr. Bingley and Miss Bingley hastily rose to their feet.
"Where is my nephew?" Lady Catherine shouted without greeting them or acknowledging their bow and curtsey. "Tell me now! Where is my nephew?"
"Lady Catherine, please take a seat while I call for refreshments," said Miss Bingley, simpering in her delight. I shall write to all of my acquaintances telling them that I hosted her ladyship.
"I did not take tea with that hussy and I shall not take tea with the daughter of a tradesman! Tell me immediately — where is my nephew?"
"I shall send someone to look for him, my lady," said Miss Bingley, gesticulating to the footman. "While you are waiting, please come and warm yourself by the fire."
"I will not! I will not give you the honour of claiming that you hosted me. Huh, the impertinence of the mere daughter of a tradesman presuming to invite me, me, the daughter of an earl — it will not be borne."
Miss Bingley was not daunted. Her ladyship had been in her house, thus she had hosted her.
"Lady Catherine. What brings you here?" asked a voice from the doorway.
"Richard — fetch Darcy now! I shall take him straight to Rosings where he will marry Anne." Lady Catherine turned her head to look upon Miss Bingley with contempt and pointed her walking stick at her. "This daughter of a tradesman thinks to ensnare Darcy. She appears to think that she belongs in our sphere — such impudence!"
"Darcy is not here, aunt. He is— "
"How dare you say such a thing! Lies! Bring him to me now!" She banged her stick on the floor.
"Aunt, if you would look out of that window, you would see Darcy riding towards the stables," said Richard amicably. Motioning to the wide-eyed footman, he said, "Ask Mr. Darcy to come here, please."
Very shortly, Darcy came to the parlour.
"How dare you present yourself in such a state!"
"Do you wish to see me now or do you wish to see me clean?"
"You ought to have been here to greet me!"
"I had no idea of your visit. If I had, I should have been here unless business took me away."
Lady Catherine's eyes narrowed. "What business would take you away? Business with that local hussy, I see. Yes, I see.
"A report of a most alarming nature reached me two days ago that Fitzwilliam had sired natural daughters with a local harlot and that that harlot, not satisfied with bedding one nephew, wants to unite herself to another, to you. I instantly resolved on setting off for this place, that I might make my sentiments known to you."
Both Richard and Darcy looked furious. Mr. Bingley looked shocked. And Miss Bingley smirked behind Lady Catherine.
"Who is this harlot of whom you speak?" asked Mr. Bingley, taken aback. "I know of no such woman here."
"Miss —sniff— Eliza Bonnet," crowed Miss Bingley.
"Miss Elizabeth?" Mr. Bingley shook his head. "You are wrong, Caroline. The girls are Mr. Bennet's wards — he has told you so himself."
"Poor, dear Darcy, attracted to the fine eyes of the local strumpet," sneered Miss Bingley.
"You grasping harpy! 'Poor, dear Darcy'? Who are you to call my nephew such things? The daughter of a tradesman!" Lady Catherine had spun round to snarl at Miss Bingley. "I shall allow one thing, though. I have seen the brats for myself and know them to be the harlot's natural daughters."
Miss Bingley nodded, accepting the compliment.
"You have been to Longbourn?" Darcy asked in horror.
Why would her ladyship sully herself by going there? Miss Bingley understood Darcy's horror.
Lady Catherine ignored his question and announced, "Fitzwilliam, if you wish to unite yourself with the mother of your children, I shall not stop you, but Darcy is to wed my daughter. Did you hear that, daughter of a tradesman? He is to wed my daughter."
"Aunt, I am not going to wed Anne— "
" —and it is not for you to tell me who I can and cannot marry," fumed Richard.
"Attend to me now, Darcy. I shall tell your man to pack your belongings and follow us to Rosings. I have a special licence so that you and Anne can wed immediately."
"No," said Darcy, quite calmly. "I am not going with you. I am not going to Rosings. I am not going to marry Anne."
Of course not, thought Miss Bingley with a smile. You are to marry me!
"And I am not going to marry Miss Elizabeth," added Richard. "Come, Darce. Let us see if Ajax is ready for another outing."
In unison, Darcy and Richard bowed and left the room.
"Prepare your best rooms for me, tradesman's daughter!"
"Yes, my lady," said Miss Bingley with a curtsey.
"Charles! Charles! Where is Lady Catherine?" Miss Bingley asked as she glided back into the parlour.
"She has gone."
"Gone? What do you mean, 'gone'?"
"She climbed into her carriage and it drove away."
"What did you say to her? Charles, what did you say? Did you say something to offend her?" Miss Bingley was becoming anxious.
"She ordered her coachman to go to Matlock House and muttered something like, 'As if I would stay in the home of the daughter of a tradesman. Me, the daughter of an earl'."
"Really, Charles, you must have misheard her. At least she will stop dearest Darcy from marrying that strumpet."
"I think that Mr. Darcy will marry who he chooses," Mr. Bingley said, adding under his breath, "and it will not be you, sister."
"No, Charles, he will marry who I choose."
Please don't copy 😏
Here's the alternative version for posterity; I enjoyed writing it but this is not the plot
Longbourn Elizabeth
Every day, Mr. Collins wrote to Lady Catherine, asking for her advice and wisdom. He seemed overly proud and pompously flattered by the response to his letters — her arrival at Longbourn.
"Which of you is Miss Bingley? Miss Claire Bingley?" Lady Catherine's pinched eyes scanned the room.
"We are the Bennet family, my lady," said Elizabeth. "The Bingleys have taken Netherfield. Would you like us to give directions to your coachman?"
"My compliments to you. I am most seriously displeased."
Lady Catherine swept from the parlour, and, as she passed through the hall, opened the doors into the dining-parlour and library, pronouncing them to be decent looking rooms.
Northfield (no, no, Miss Bingley)
Miss Bingley
"Lady Catherine de Bourgh, sir, madam," intoned the footman.
Having studied dear Darcy's family, Miss Bingley recognised the name. With her sister and brothers, she stood to greet the visitor who entered the room with an ungracious air.
"Welcome to Northfield, your ladyship," started Miss Bingley. "Do come and sit— " She was silenced by a sharp glare and a dismissive sniff.
Lady Catherine sat without saying a word, inspecting the parlour with a critical eye.
"You are Miss Bingley, I suppose, and that lady is your sister."
"Yes, my lady, this is— "
"And that I suppose is one of your brothers."
"Yes, my lady, this is— "
"You have a very small parlour here," returned Lady Catherine after a short silence.
Miss Bingley took a breath to protest that this was not a small parlour at all, but her ladyship continued:
"This must be a most inconvenient sitting room for the evening, in summer; the windows are full west."
"Allow me to order some refreshment, my lady— "
"Miss Bingley, sit there on that prettyish chair," said Lady Catherine, using her walking stick to point at an uncomfortable chair, "if you will favour me with your company."
Miss Bingley did as bidden.
"You can be at no loss, Miss Bingley, to understand the reason of my journey hither. Your own heart, your own conscience, must tell you why I come."
Miss Bingley looked back with unaffected delight. She has come to bless my betrothal to dear Darcy, she thought. "Indeed, you are correct, Madam. I thank you for the honour of seeing you here."
"Miss Bingley," replied her ladyship, in an angry tone, "you ought to know, that I am not to be trifled with. But however insincere you may choose to be, you will not find me so."
I was not insincere!
Lady Catherine continued. "My character has ever been celebrated for its sincerity and frankness, and I shall certainly not depart from it. A report of a most alarming nature reached me two days ago. I was told that not only your sister was most advantageously married— "
'Advantageously married'! I think not.
"— but that you, that Miss Claire Bingley, would, in all likelihood, be soon afterwards united to my nephew, my own nephew, Mr. Darcy."
Miss Bingley's delighted preening was interrupted by a loud snort from Mr. Hurst.
"Though I know it must be a scandalous falsehood, I instantly resolved on setting off for this place, that I might make my sentiments known to you."
"If you believed it impossible to be true," interjected Mr. Hurst, "I wonder you took the trouble of coming so far. What could your ladyship propose by it?"
Lady Catherine slowly turned her head to face him. "To insist upon having such a report universally contradicted at once."
"Your coming to Netherfield," said Mr. Hurst, with a smirk, "will be rather a confirmation of it; if, indeed, such a report is in existence."
"If! Do you then pretend to be ignorant of it?" She glared at each of them before spluttering, "Has it not been industriously circulated by yourselves?"
"I never heard of such a report," said Mr. Bingley, his face showing his disbelief. "Caroline, you must tell her ladyship that there is no such report."
Really, Charles, if dear Darcy's aunt knows, then it must be true!
"This is not to be borne. Miss Bingley, I insist on being satisfied. Has my nephew, made you an offer of marriage?"
"Your ladyship has declared it to be impossible— " began Mr. Hurst.
"It ought to be so; but your sister's arts and allurements may, in a moment of infatuation, have made him forget what he owes to me. She may have drawn him in."
"Caroline? 'Infatuation'? 'Arts and allurements'? She has arts, well enough, but you are mistaken, my lady, if you believe that she has allurements!" Mr. Hurst laughed. "And to think that she could 'draw him in'!"
"Really, Hurst— "
Lady Catherine ignored them. "Miss Bingley, do you know who I am? I have not been accustomed to such language as this. I am almost the nearest relation he has in the world, and am entitled to know all his business."
"But— " Miss Bingley began, only to be interrupted —again— by her brother-in-law:
"I am sorry, my lady. As you are not wearing black, we had not realised that you are in mourning for your sister. You have our condolences." Mr. Hurst bowed his head.
"What? What? My sister is not dead! Let me be rightly understood: my sister is not dead!"
"I beg your pardon, my lady. When you said that you are Darcy's nearest relation, I assumed that Lady Anne had died. I beg your pardon." Mr. Hurst bowed his head again.
"Really, Hurst! How can you say such— "
Lady Catherine hit the floor with her walking stick and they all fell silent. Examining Mr. Hurst through narrowed eyes, she sniffed and returned her attention to Miss Bingley. "This match, to which you have the presumption to aspire, can never take place. No, never. Mr. Darcy is engaged to my daughter. Now what have you to say?"
"I am but waiting for my brother to sign the settlement— "
"Lady Catherine," Mr. Hurst again interrupted her. "You can have no reason to suppose that he will make an offer to my sister, even if, as you claim, he is already betrothed to your daughter."
Lady Catherine hesitated for a moment, and then replied, "The engagement between them is of a peculiar kind. While in their cradles, I planned the union. And now, to have my wishes prevented by the daughter of a tradesman! Do you pay no regard to my wishes? Are you lost to every feeling of propriety and delicacy?"
"Yes, she is. Aye, my lady."
"Really, Hurst! Would you be qui— "
"Sister, dear, you have done as much as you can in alluring Darcy. If he is not restricted to choosing his cousin, why is not he to make another choice? But, if you are that choice, I should be very surprised!"
"Really, Hurst! What are you saying—"
"Because honour, decorum, prudence, nay, interest, forbid it, Caroline."
"Yes, Miss Bingley, interest; for do not expect to be noticed by his family or friends, if you wilfully act against my inclinations. You will be censured, slighted, and despised, by everyone connected with him. Your alliance will be a disgrace; your name will never even be mentioned by any of us."
"These are heavy misfortunes," replied Mr. Hurst, nodding sagely.
"But, but," cried Miss Bingley, "the Mistress of Pemberley must have such extraordinary riches attached to her situation, that she could, upon the whole, have no cause to repine."
"Obstinate, headstrong girl! I am ashamed of you! You are to understand, Miss Bingley, that I came here with the determined resolution of carrying my purpose; nor will I be dissuaded from it. I have not been used to submit to any person's whims. I have not been in the habit of brooking disappointment."
"That will make your ladyship's situation more pitiable; but it will have no effect on my sister," Mr. Hurst sighed.
"Really, Hurst!— "
"I will not be interrupted. My daughter and my nephew are formed for each other. Their fortune on both sides is splendid—"
"But I have twenty thous— "
"Hear me in silence! The upstart pretensions of a daughter of a tradesman is not to be endured! If you were sensible of your own good, you would not wish to quit the warehouse in which you were brought up."
"Too true."
"Really, Hurst!— "
"And who are your uncles and aunts? Tradesmen." Lady Catherine sniffed in disdain, then continued, "Tell me once for all, daughter of a tradesman, are you engaged to him?"
"Almost."
Mr. Hurst snorted. "She means 'no', my lady."
"Really, Hurst!— "
Lady Catherine seemed pleased. "And will you promise me, never to enter into such an engagement?"
"I shall make no promise of the kind," Miss Bingley replied indignantly.
"Miss Bingley, I am shocked and astonished. I expected to find a more reasonable young woman."
"Then you ought not to have come here," muttered Mr. Hurst.
"Not so hasty, if you please. I have not finished. To all the objections I have already stated, I have still another to add. I am no stranger to the particulars of your older sister's infamous elopement."
Mrs. Hurst spoke for the first time, crying, "We did not elope!"
"I know it all," Lady Catherine ignored her protestation.
"I think not, my lady," said Mrs. Hurst. "Mr. Hurst and I married after a proper courtship and calling of the banns."
Lady Catherine sniffed. "It was a patched-up business, at the expense of your father and uncles."
"That is not so!"
Her Ladyship was not to be gainsaid. "Heaven and earth! — of what were you thinking?"
"You have insulted my wife in every possible method. I must ask you to leave."
Her ladyship was highly incensed, and addressed Miss Bingley once more, "Unfeeling, selfish girl! Do you not consider that a connection with you must disgrace him in the eyes of everybody?"
"There is no disgrace in twenty thous— "
"You are then resolved to have him?"
"Yes!"
"You are determined to make him the contempt of the world!"
"Aye, she is."
"Very well. I shall now know how to act. Do not imagine, Miss Bingley, that your ambition will ever be gratified." Lady Catherine stood and swept from the parlour, and, as she passed through the hall, opened the doors into the dining-parlour and library, pronouncing them to be sorry looking rooms.
Grateful, for once, for her brother's arm, they followed Lady Catherine to her carriage, where she turned to them saying:
"I take no leave of you, Miss Bingley. I send no compliments to your sister and brother. I am most seriously displeased."
Brother and sister watched the carriage depart and re-entered the house.
"I shall see you at dinner, Charles. I shall be writing to my friends to tell them of dear Darcy's aunt's gracious visit."
"Caroline— "