Madam and Missy — A Pride and Prejudice Variation
This is dedicated to all the writers both here and on KU who've released their stories for free! As I enjoy reading them so much, I thought that I'd have a go, and here it is.
[Note that I'm a Brit, so have written with British spelling, punctuation and terminology 😏]
In which Darcy has a surprise for Mary, and Mr. Collins speaks of weddings
Updated to make Collin less ridiculous and creepy — 21 May 22
Longbourn
Elizabeth
Darcy and Richard arrived at Longbourn to find that two of the daughters of the house were upset. Jane was hiding hers quite successfully behind her customary serenity, but Kitty was distraught at being called a hussy. Elizabeth's heart swelled with adoration as Darcy crouched before Kitty and took her hands in his.
"I beg you to take no notice of Lady Catherine's words, Miss Kitty," he said softly.
"You are not correct, sir. The words of my patroness droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven. She has told me so, herself, many times. They are twice blessed, she tells me. What a beautiful way she has with words, do you not agree, Cousin Elizabeth?" Mr. Collins had come forward to contradict the visitor.
"'Tis a pity that Shakespeare thought of them first," replied Elizabeth.
"Whoever he is, he must have heard the Lady Catherine de Bourgh. When you have the benefit of hearing her words for yourself, Cousin Elizabeth, you will hear how appropriate they are. Why, she has told me many times of her hard work tending to her tenants, 'uneasy lies the head that wears the crown', she says."
Richard guffawed. "That sounds very like the old tyrant! 'Wears the crown'! Did you hear that, Darce?"
Elizabeth noticed that she was not the only occupant of the parlour to be taken aback when the parson approached Richard, affronted. Though the colonel was not wearing his uniform, he was very much a man of upright bearing and obvious strength.
"How dare you, sir! To speak so of such an excellent ladyship! It can only be that you are not well acquainted with her, as I am. Cousin Elizabeth, I can only hope that, hearing such wicked words, your good opinions of my crunchy and cavernous patroness, her ladyship, the Lady Catherine de Bourgh are not lost forever. We shall have many, many years together for you to be the recipient of her boundless wisdom and gracious attentions."
Elizabeth took no notice as she was watching Darcy calm her weeping sister.
Darcy
Darcy excused himself from Kitty and stood. He looked down at Mr. Collins.
"Lady Catherine is not correct. She is rarely correct."
Mr. Collins started to protest, but Darcy ignored him and turned to Kitty to ask, "Miss Kitty, would you, your sisters and your wards care to accompany the colonel and myself on a walk around the garden?"
Mr. Bingley arrived as they were donning their coats and said that he would join them.
"Bingley, would you lead the way, please? I should like to speak with Mr. Bennet for a few minutes. I shall catch up with you."
"I shall come with you Mr. Darcy, as anything to do with my fair cousins must also concern me," announced Mr. Collins with a toothy smile.
"I have not invited you," said Darcy, sternly.
"I beg to correct you, Mr. Darcy. As the heir of Longbourn, I know that Mr. Bennet will be relieved to have another man in the family to assist and to offer words of wisdom."
Darcy knocked at the door of the book-room and, on receiving Mr. Bennet's permission to enter, did so and tried to close the door behind him.
Mr. Collins pushed in too.
"Mr. Bennet, I have come to apologise to you for my aunt's rudeness to your family — " began Darcy.
"There is no need to apologise, Mr. Darcy. Personages of your exalted sphere need not apologise to those lower down the ladder of life," Mr. Collins broke in.
"Mr. Darcy, there is no need to apologise as I heard that Lizzy and Lydia vanquished your aunt quite quickly. Why not join the other in the garden?"
Darcy closed the door as he left, but heard Mr. Bennet suggesting to his cousin that they visit some more of the tenants.
"Cousin Elizabeth! Cousin Elizabeth!"
Darcy sighed hearing Mr. Collins call to Elizabeth; he had been enjoying their stroll, swinging Melissa between them until she had toddled off to join Martha, but it was spoiled by the sound of Mr. Collins as he stumbled, puffing and panting, across the garden to interrupt them. Clearly, he had declined the offer of seeing more of the estate.
"Cousin Elizabeth," Mr. Collins called again. "It is inappropriate for you to be walking alone with Mr. Darcy." Turning and bowing with ridiculous servility towards Darcy, the parson continued, "I beg you to excuse my young cousin, my dear sir. As the nephew of the Lady Catherine de Bourgh, you have no need to be importuned by my young cousin." He gave Elizabeth a sickening smile, and said, "Soon, when a happy event occurs, she will be under my authority and I shall take it upon myself to instruct her so that she understands how she must behave when in the esteemed company of relatives of my omnipotent and omniscient patroness, her ladyship, the Lady Catherine de Bourgh."
'Omnipotent and omniscient'? I do hope not.
Darcy was diverted by Elizabeth mouthing 'patroness, her ladyship, the Lady Catherine de Bourgh', so almost did not notice that Mr. Collins had said 'under my authority'. As Mr. Collins pulled Elizabeth's arm from Darcy's and attempted to attach it to his own, Darcy pointed out, "Miss Elizabeth is hardly walking alone with me; see, all of her sisters and Mr. Bingley are here too."
"Yes, yes, but they are at the far side of the garden."
"Hardly! About five yards away, I daresay." Darcy riposted as he watched Lydia draw closer. To forestall arguments about their distance from her relatives, Darcy immediately continued by asking, "To what happy event were you referring?"
"You are correct, Mr. Darcy. There are two happy events to occur. I apologise from the bottom of my heart to have forgotten your own happy event. I am, of course, referring to your cousin, the rose of Rosings, Miss Anne de Bourgh, daughter of my— "
"I am aware of my aunt's daughter." He stared down at Mr. Collins and, form the corner of his eye, watched Elizabeth mouth 'omnipotent and omniscient' to her sister. "I ask you, to what— "
"Yes, yes, of course you do," interrupted Mr. Collins, bobbing his head up and down in agreement.
"I ask you again, to what happy event are you referring?"
"Her ladyship, the Lady Catherine de Bourgh has told me on more than one occasion — for I am invited to dine at Rosings Park at least twice a week," he said in an aside to Elizabeth, "that you are soon to announce your betrothal to Miss Anne de Bourgh, daugh— "
"I am not and never shall be betrothed to my cousin."
"That cannot be so; your mothers agreed it when you were in your cradles!"
"My aunt tells all and sundry about this supposed betrothal. My mother, Lady Catherine's sister, is to arrive at Netherfield on the morrow. I shall ask her to explain to you that there is no such betrothal."
Mr. Collins shook his head.
"You might do well to consider this, Mr. Collins: I am some six or seven years older than my cousin, so we were not in our cradles at the same time."
Mr. Collins looked perplexed, his mouth opening and closing as he seemed to be searching for the correct words.
"I do believe that you spoke of two happy events; which is the second?" Darcy asked.
Mr. Collins' expression changed from puzzlement to unctuous adoration as he turned to face Elizabeth. "It is all but arranged that I shall marry one of my fair cousins and take her home with me to my humble parsonage, where I shall instruct her, most firmly, in the ways of honouring my— "
Darcy found that he could not look at Elizabeth and Lydia, but caught their looks of bemused horror in his peripheral vision. "Is this all settled then? You have asked the lady and her father has agreed? And the settlement papers; are they signed? The banns called?" I cannot think that Bennet would agree to marry any daughter to this idiot.
"Very nearly, sir," Mr. Collins replied, leaning towards Darcy in confidence.
Darcy recoiled from the parson's foul breath and admonished him. "A gentleman would never speak of a betrothal until it has been agreed with the lady's father."
"It is all but arranged, sir, and I am certain that you will forgive me as my marital felicitation is shortly to be matched by your own."
If Lizzy does not stop laughing …
"Mr. Collins! That is not the speech of a gentleman."
"We are both men of the world, Mr. Darcy. I shall be the master of this estate when Mr. Bennet, as her ladyship, the Lady Catherine de Bourgh puts it, scuttles off with his mortal coil— "
"Mr. Collins!" cried Elizabeth, no longer amused.
"There, there, my dear young cousin. This is man's talk; there is no need for you to be distressed. When you are under my authority, you will not have to worry about these things beyond your understanding."
"What do you mean, 'under your authority'?" demanded Elizabeth.
"Ah, my dearest Cousin Elizabeth, your arts and allurements have tricked me into revealing the object of my affectations." He attempted to kiss her hand.
'Affectations'?
"Have you asked for Mr. Bennet's permission?" asked Darcy, again, while Elizabeth and her sister stood dumbfounded.
"'Tis a mere formality, sir." Mr. Collins favoured his cousin with another toothy smile.
"So you have not yet asked for Mr. Bennet's permission." Turning to Elizabeth, he offered his arm and said, "Do excuse us; I was walking with Miss Elizabeth and Miss Lydia." He started to lead them away.
"Cousin Elizabeth! I see that we should not delay our nuptials. I can assure you that my abundant and athletic patroness would not approve of you flirting with her nephew in such a," he licked his lips, "salacious manner."
"Miss Elizabeth was not flirting. She was listening as I spoke of my sister's achievements." Darcy had had enough of Mr. Collins.
"I see. Though I applaud you for your attention to the nephew of my extramarital and elaborate patroness, her ladyship, the Lady Catherine de Bourgh, I am sure that Miss Darcy's achievements, while many, are as nothing to those of Mr. Darcy's betrothed had she learned. My inherent and irrevocable ladyship has often told me of your betrothed, Mr. Darcy, how she was formed for you and is prepared to become Mistress of Pemberley as soon as you wed. She has intimated that I, myself, your very most humblest of servants, shall be permitted to perform the ceremony, itself, myself." Mr. Collins nearly fell at Darcy's feet, he bowed so deeply.
"Mr. Collins," began Elizabeth, "Mr. Darcy has told you that— "
"Yes, of course, my dearest young cousin. There, there, do not upset yourself. Why not return to the house, to the bosom of your family, while we men of the world discuss these weighty matters."
Darcy narrowed his eyes and clenched his jaw.
Elizabeth
Darcy had planned a surprise — he asked Elizabeth to bring Mary with her the next morning. Immediately, Elizabeth guessed why he had made the request, and she found it difficult to hide her excitement as she accompanied her sister along the familiar path to the oak tree.
Waiting at the crest of the mount, James Fitzwilliam barely had time to greet Elizabeth before Mary was in his embrace. The Darcys wandered away, leaving the reunited couple alone.
Later, the sisters returned to Longbourn taking their husbands with them. It was obvious that Darcy had forewarned James about the presence of Mr. Collins and had told him that Lydia would know who he was. James was as keen as the others to bring an end to the 'great secret', and readily agreed to the necessary subterfuge.
"But not if you say 'indeed', Darcy. Then I shall have to call you out!"
"Indeed!" chorused Elizabeth and Mary, giggling.
Mr. Bennet
Darcy and James stayed at Longbourn for the morning. Lydia dutifully kept Mr. Collins busy so that James and Mary could spend some time together with Beatrice in the small parlour. Meanwhile, Darcy and Mr. Bennet took their customary places across the chessboard, allowing themselves to be gently distracted by the rest of the family.
Kitty was keen to gossip about the men of the militia. "I cannot decide who is more handsome, Mr. Denny or Mr. Wickham," she sighed.
Mr. Bennet caught Darcy stiffening as they heard her words.
"Kitty, my dear, remember that it is not how a man looks that matters, but— " Mr. Bennet prompted her.
"His worthiness, Pappa," Kitty answered by rote.
"And how ought we to determine a man's worthiness?"
"Oh, Pappa!" Kitty looked a little embarrassed.
"I flatter myself that I know the answer to that question," interjected Mr. Collins. "A man is worthy if he is the nephew of Lady Catherine de Bourgh." His jacket strained as he bowed to Darcy. "He must also be the heir to an estate, do you not agree, Cousin Elizabeth?"
Mr. Bennet saw that Elizabeth had not heard — or is ignoring our cousin! — as she was sitting on the floor with Jane, building towers of blocks with Melissa, Phoebe and Martha.
"Is your cousin correct?" Mr. Bennet asked Kitty.
Kitty looked uncertain. Lydia came to join her, asking, "Can the men of the militia support a wife?"
"My— "
"Mr. Collins. Please be silent and wait for Miss Kitty to answer," Darcy admonished, lifting his eyes from studying the chessboard to look meaningfully at the parson.
"But, Mr. D— "
"No, Mr. Collins. How can Mr. Bennet teach his daughters if you answer for them?" Sitting up and facing Kitty, Darcy asked, "Miss Kitty, would you tell me, please, what makes a man worthy?"
"Er," started Kitty, "it matters not if he is well in looks or in charm."
"Is there anything else that makes a man worthy?" Darcy encouraged her, giving her his full attention.
"Um, it is how he treats other people be they servants or lords."
"How ought a worthy man treat other people?"
Kitty paused and, as Mr. Collins drew breath to pontificate further, Lydia prompted her sister, "Would a worthy man be horrid or rude or unkind or dishonest?"
"No, no, he would not. He would be honest and fair."
"So, do you think that Mr. Darcy is a worthy man?" asked Lydia, with a wicked grin.
"How dare you have the presumption to suggest that the nephew of my ladyship, the Lady Catherine de Bourgh be anything other than worthy?" Mr. Collins asked in shock.
"Yes, he is," replied Kitty, ignoring him. "He was very kind to me when that woman called me a hussy. I did not thank you for that, Mr. Darcy."
"You owe me no thanks, Miss Kitty, but I shall accept them with gratitude," Darcy dipped his head to her.
Mr. Bennet had listened to this exchange, grateful to Darcy for helping Kitty to learn this very important lesson. "You have remembered well, child. Is there anything else that makes a man, worthy?"
As Kitty tried to recall what else there might be, Lydia whispered in her ear, "It has to do with money."
"Oh, yes, can he afford to feed, clothe and house a wife and children."
"I must remind you, Cousin Elizabeth, that, having the noblest of nobles, Lady Catherine de Bourgh as my patroness, I can afford to keep a wife. And, I flatter myself that I shall soon be master of my own estate."
Six pairs of eyes looked at him, astonished at this statement.
"Mr. Collins," Mr. Bennet's cold voice broke the silence. "Let me flatter myself that I might outlive you."
"Indeed."
Please don't copy 😏
OT: The word 'pleonast' was an answer in a crossword last week (and here's a 'hi' to the Salopian who knows which crosswords that I do 😏).
pleonasm (noun) redundancy, esp of words; a redundant expression | pleonast (noun) someone who is given to pleonasm | pleonastic (adj)
I simply must use it!