Madam and Missy — A Pride and Prejudice Variation

This is dedicated to all the writers both here and on KU who've released their stories for free! As I enjoy reading them so much, I thought that I'd have a go, and here it is.

[Note that I'm a Brit, so have written with British spelling, punctuation and terminology 😏]

WARNING

In which Mr. Collins is revealed to be a monster, Lydia is marvellous and Mary is too

[skip to the ***** if you prefer]

Longbourn

Mr. Bennet

He would always remember the morning after the ball by its sounds. Longbourn ought have rung with the laughter and chatter of his daughters. Lady Lucas and her daughters' voices ought have added to the gaiety. Mrs. Philips' gossip ought have increased the volume of the noise. Female voices ought have filled the house discussing and debating and delighting in the dances and dresses of the previous evening.

Instead, Mr. Bennet remembered the shrill, worried cries of his daughters as they had called him; Jane's hand rattling the handle of the door to the dining room trying to get in.

Mr. Bennet remembered Lydia calling him to follow her through the kitchen and the slight slap-slapping of her slippers on the wooden floor as she ran. There had been the smash as Mrs. Hill dropped a plate in surprise. There had been the bang as Lydia had burst through the kitchen door into the dining room.

Mr. Bennet remembered the sound as the back of the monster's hand had repeatedly hit Elizabeth's face as she had tried to pull her ripped ball gown together; he had heard it over the monster's words: " —plying your favours — sneaking back at dawn — will not reject me— "

Mr. Bennet remembered the roar of Lydia's fury as she had run around the dining table wielding a candlestick. He remembered, with great satisfaction, the thud as it had hit the monster's head, and the creaking and snapping of wood as the monster had fallen, concussed, breaking one of the chairs.

For a heartbeat, all sound had disappeared.

Then he had become aware of Lydia's triumphant cry and her wish to strike again. And, he remembered being all too painfully aware of the sound of Elizabeth's whimpering as she had slid down the wall and had collapsed on the floor.

[*****]

Mr. Bennet took the candlestick from his triumphant daughter, saying, "Lydia, you were marvellous, wonderful!" He took her in his arms and said, "I need you to continue being marvellous by being calm and taking your sisters to— "

"Out of sight to the small parlour," she interrupted. "Oh, here come Aunt Philips and the Lucases — I shall take them too."

"Yes, and do your best to distract them." Seeing her look of disbelief, he continued, "I am sure that you can talk of dances and ribbons and lace!" As she removed the chair which had been wedging the door closed, he added, "Thank you, my marvellous Lydia. Tell Mary to remain nearby." Even in that moment of horror, he did not miss that his youngest daughter had not quibbled about who should stay and who should leave.

What ought he do with Mr. Collins? The monster. He wanted to remove him as soon as possible. Walking around the table, he saw buttons scattered around and noticed, with mounting fury, that Mr. Co— the monster, had ripped open the fall of his trousers. Oh God! Is that what he had been intending?

Mary peeped in at the door, just as he heard horses' hooves clip-clopping up the drive, heralding the arrival of Darcy, the colonel and Mr. Bingley.

He thought quickly. "Mary, please do exactly as I ask."

She nodded.

"Call Mr. Hill; tell him to fetch John from the stables and to come here to me. Tell Mrs. Hill to show Mr. Bingley to the others in the small parlour. Tell Sarah that you are going to Netherfield — ask her to pack clothing for yourself and Lizzy — she can follow you there with the girls."

Mary's eyes widened.

"Then, and this will be hardest, tell Darcy that he must be the loving and caring husband while I am the vengeful father. The colonel can assist me. Show Darcy in here then stay with Lizzy! I shall send the trunks with John when we have tidied up this — mess."

Darcy

As he and the others dismounted, Darcy wondered where the stable boy was. Richard took the reins of the three horses, leading then around to the stables, while Mr. Bingley knocked at the door. Darcy followed to find Mary waiting for him at the open door, still in her ball gown, looking out of breath. He bowed. "Good morning, Miss Mary."

She curtseyed and gestured him enter. "Good morning, Mr. Darcy." He was surprised when she indicated that she would like to talk quietly to him, but bent down to hear her.

"I have a message for you from my father. He bid me to say that you must be the loving and caring husband while he is the vengeful father." 'Vengeful father'?

He started to straighten. "What has happened?"

"I know not, but you and I must take care of Lizzy! This way."

She led him through to the dining room where he took in the disarray: the table had been moved and a chair had been broken. Then his eyes fell on a heart-breaking sight; there was Elizabeth curled up and trembling on the floor.

"What, what has happened!?" he demanded.

"William, we must remove Lizzy!" Mary reminded him. "And my father will exact vengeance enough for both of you; for all of us."

Mr. Hill appeared at the servants' door and said, "The carriage is ready, Miss Mary."

Darcy collected himself, took off his coat, passed it to Mary and approached his wife. Tenderly, he helped her to stand and, retaking the coat, wrapped it around her.

"This way," said Mary.

He picked up Elizabeth and followed Mary through the kitchen to board the waiting carriage. He sat with his precious bundle on his lap then Mary squeezed in next to him and gently took Elizabeth's hand.

John drove them to Netherfield and into the stable yard. Without waiting, Mary jumped down and ran to the kitchen door. "Please fetch Mr. Stevens!" she cried loudly through the open door.

Darcy sat waiting and sighed with relief as Stevens came almost immediately. "Stevens, ask Mrs. Nicholls to heat water for a bath, and alert my mother. Then would you guide Miss Mary and me on your hidden way to my chambers?"

"Yes, sir. I shall be back straightaway."

A few moments later, Mary pointed to Stevens waving from around a corner of the house. Darcy climbed out of the carriage, and he and Mary hastened after the valet as he led them from the terrace into the library. Behind a tapestry, he pushed open a hidden door, saying, "This way, sir, miss."

Many of the steps and corridors on Stevens' route were in darkness, but Darcy followed him with confidence, aware of Mary's hand clutching the back of his jacket.

Stevens hurried ahead of them, locking the doors to the corridor as Darcy took the sisters through his dressing room and into his bedchamber to find his mother awaiting them.

"Oh, oh!" cried his mother. "William, what has happened?"

"I do not know," he replied in distress. "We must take care of Lizzy before asking questions."

"Yes, of course. I hear hot water being delivered." She stroked his arm. "William, take Lizzy back into your dressing room — Mary and I shall tend to her."

"I shall— "

" —not. You must calm yourself."

"I will not be idle while she suffers!"

"We shall be at least an hour. Work off your anger by riding to Longbourn and collecting clothes for Lizzy and Mary. Speak to Sarah — she must care for the children."

"Very well." He would find out what had happened while he was there.

Netherfield

Darcy ran back through Netherfield and out to the stables where he found the Bennets' carriage readying to return to Longbourn. He climbed up next to John and, when they were away from the house, asked, "What has happened this morning?"

John looked a little wary.

"Unless it was your fault, then you have nothing to fear from me."

John concentrated on driving. Then, spitting, he said, "'Twere that fat man what's stopping wiv Mr. Bennit."

Fat man? "Mr. Collins?"

"Yer, thur greasy fat man."

"What did he do?"

"'E 'ad Miss Lizbef trapped inna dinin' room an' 'e 'it 'er, 'e did."

"What?!"

"Mr. Bennit an' Miss Lyddyer broked in, they did. And Miss Lyddyer 'it 'im wiv a candlestick. On 'is 'ead she 'it 'im!"

"She hit him?"

"Yer, then 'e was lyin' onna floor, an' me an' Mr. 'ill carried 'im out to the stables an' tied 'im up, we did."

Appalled and furious, Darcy could only stare at John.

"'Tis the troof, sir, the troof." John spat again and shook the reins to hurry the horses.

Longbourn

It did not take long to reach Longbourn where Mr. Bennet met them, saying, "John, you have to go straight back to Netherfield with a couple of trunks. Take them to Mrs. Nicholls and, remember, not a word."

"Yessir. I only tol' Mr. Darcy, 'ere. 'E's yer frien', 'e is."

Darcy allowed Mr. Bennet to lead him away to the stables. There was Mr. Collins lying on the filthy, rough floor, bound at ankles and wrists. Richard stood over him.

"Is he—?" Darcy started to ask. Was he intending to force himself on her?

"Yes. That is how we found him. I shall not cover his shameful baseness." Mr. Bennet showed him the torn-off buttons.

Though rage was starting to consume his body, Darcy, said, "My mother bid me to be calm, so I shall take a deep breath before asking you, what the hell went on this morning?"

"I have little to tell you as the antagonist has not regained what little sense he might claim to possess, and I hope that you have the protagonist safe at Netherfield."

"My mother and Mary are tending to her. I was told to leave."

"Ladies do that, son." Bennet patted Darcy's arm. "I gather that, when he saw James escort Mary and Lizzy back here at dawn still in their ball gowns, he assumed that Lizzy had been plying her favours and that it was his duty to punish her. When she tried to evade his advances, he went mad and started to beat her," Bennet said shakily. "He had wedged the door closed, but Lydia and I ran through the kitchen to get in. My marvellous Lydia hit him over the head with a candlestick."

"In lieu of doing so myself, I should have liked to have seen that," Richard said with a clenched jaw.

"Quite. You two and young Bingley arrived just after Hill, John and I had trussed him and tossed him in here. Now it is my turn to ask — Lizzy is safe, is she not?"

"Yes. Mother and Mary are caring for her, while Stevens stands guard."

They stood in silence, staring, stony-faced, at Mr. Collins.

"I know what I want to do with him." Bennet broke the silence. "But I do not know what I can legally do to him."

"Indeed," agreed Darcy, grimly. "Duelling is illegal, as is murder."

Richard started to laugh.

"I fail to see what is funny." Mr. Bennet looked affronted.

"I was thinking of enlisting him, or introducing him to the pressgangs."

Bennet smiled with malicious satisfaction. "Mmm, good idea. I should not mind a trip to my brother in London, 'tis near enough to the docks. It is but half a day's journey. I should be back in time for dinner with my family." To Darcy, he said, "I shall not allow you to accompany me, son, as I should prefer that you remain with Lizzy."

"I shall stay with her, of course, but have another idea," Darcy smirked.

"Oh? Better than a life at sea?"

"We could return my aunt's creature to her."

"Hmph! What would she do with him?"

"I know not, but I do know that it would frustrate her — immensely," he paused, "If you are prepared to make the journey to Kent, you could deliver that," Darcy nudged the bound body with his toe, "directly to her."

"Presumably she would deal with him, at little inconvenience to me."

"If we are in agreement, I should like to offer my coach and four; my coachman knows the way to Rosings."

Mr. Bennet thought for a minute and agreed, saying, "I shall offer Lydia a trip to town since we shall have to go near enough to the Gardiners."

Darcy nodded, "Very well. I shall hurry back to Netherfield and send the carriage as soon as the horses are harnessed. Richard, will you stay here or come to Netherfield with me?"

"I shall accompany Mr. Bennet to London as I must speak with my commander to ask for more time away from my duties. I shall return on the morrow, I expect."

"I should like to see Lizzy on my return, perhaps two days' hence. I shall bring Lydia with me and shall rely on you to send a message should that not be convenient," said Mr. Bennet.

"I look forward to seeing you both. I suggest that you say that you have come to call upon my mother."

"We shall. Now, off you go!"

They shook hands and Darcy swung up onto Ajax and galloped away.

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