Madam and Missy — A Pride and Prejudice Variation

This is dedicated to all the writers both here and on KU who've released their stories for free! As I enjoy reading them so much, I thought that I'd have a go, and here it is.

[Note that I'm a Brit, so have written with British spelling, punctuation and terminology 😏]

In which Miss Bingley offends Lady Anne

Netherfield

Lady Anne

"I thank you, again, for your hospitality, Mr. Bingley, Miss Bingley," said Lady Anne, as she prepared to leave. "I needs must apologise for keeping to my chambers so often. I felt that it was better to hold my meetings there rather than disturb you and your other guests in the parlour."

"You were most welcome, my lady," began Mr. Bingley.

"It would have been no imposition to sit with us in the parlour, my lady," Miss Bingley interjected. "My sister and brothers would have joined me in protecting you from those artful Bonnets."

"Indeed," replied Lady Anne.

"Although, I suppose that, when one is more mature, the rules of propriety can be ignored," Miss Bingley continued, with a small titter.

"I beg your pardon. I do not have the privilege of understanding you." Lady Anne was taken aback at such a statement.

"This is no occasion to be coy, my lady. If you and Mr. Bennet wish to further your acquaintance, you need not claim to be— "

"Miss Bingley!"

"Caroline!"

"I cannot understand why you would choose Mr. Bonnet for your dalliances— "

"Caroline!"

" —I may be a maiden, but I do understand that such things happen."

"Miss Bingley! I shall not see you again." Lady Anne's intention was to cut Miss Bingley.

"Oh, no, my lady! When I become Mistress of— " She paused and looked down. "Of course, it is not yet formalised, so I ought not say."

What is that look? Is it an attempt at coyness? Lady Anne wondered.

"When you become mistress of what?" asked Mr. Bingley.

"Really, Charles. I am certain that dear Darcy will be talking with you very soon."

"Darcy has left Netherfield, Caroline."

"What?! No! He cannot! He must not!" screeched Miss Bingley.

Lady Anne struggled to refrain from laughing.

"He left yesterday afternoon," continued Mr. Bingley. "He said that he was sorry to leave so abruptly but had urgent business to address."

"No! No! He cannot have gone without proposing to me!"

"'Proposing'?" Mr. Bingley's shock showed on his face. "What made you think that he was to propose to you?"

Though she was keen to depart, Lady Anne was sufficiently curious to delay a little to hear the answer.

"Our very purpose in coming here to Northfield was for Darcy to court me and pay me his suit!"

Lady Anne was astonished: Miss Bingley looked as though she believed that to be the case.

Gaping at his sister, Mr. Bingley cried, "Darcy came here to help me! You are barely acquainted with him!"

"Why else would he have come here?" Miss Bingley's voice grew shrill. "It is cruel of him to depart without having made me an offer after attending me so assiduously!"

"Caroline! Are you quite well?" Mr. Bingley stared uncomprehendingly at his sister. "When not working with me, Darcy spent almost every minute at Longbourn. He has not attended you at all!"

"He sat next to me for supper— "

"Because you seated him there."

" —and enjoyed my playing and singing."

"Do you refer to that song about—? He left the parlour that evening; the song was most inappropriate!" Mr. Bingley shook his head while pacing the foyer.

"He sang the song to me knowing that I should play it for him. Hurst, himself, said that it was a sign that Darcy had decided to woo me." Miss Bingley picked invisible fluff from the bodice of her gown.

Is this the rather risqué song that William sings to Lizzy? wondered Lady Anne, thinking that she ought to go.

Mr. Bingley sighed. "Hurst was mocking you— "

Lady Anne knew it was impolite but interrupted her erstwhile host, "Mr. Bingley, I thank you again for your hospitality, but, as my carriage awaits me, I must take my leave."

"Yes, yes, please do, my lady." Mr. Bingley was too distracted to immediately respond appropriately. Suddenly collecting himself, he continued, "Allow me to help you to your carriage." As he handed her in, he apologised profusely.

Lady Anne told him, "You and Mr. and Mrs. Hurst are welcome to call upon us, perhaps in a few weeks, but I shall cut Miss Bingley unless she amends her behaviour. If I may say so, Mr. Bingley, your own reputation will be ruined if she does not."

Mr. Bingley looked resigned and bowed as her carriage drove away.

Miss Bingley

"Charles! Charles! We must pack and accompany her ladyship to town!"

"I am not leaving Netherfield!"

"There is nothing for us here, now. Darcy will be awaiting my presence in London."

"You are free to leave, Caroline, but I am remaining here."

"Really, Charles! That is nonsense! You heard Lady Anne's invitation to call upon her. We cannot do so if we are not also in town." Charles really is blind to the hidden meanings in the speech of the upper circles.

"She said that the Hursts and I are welcome to call in a few weeks from now," Mr. Bingley protested.

"Bingley! Has my aunt already gone?" Colonel Fitzwilliam called as he descended the stairs.

"She has, Colonel," Miss Bingley replied. "She has generously invited us to call as soon as we arrive in town."

"That is not— " started Mr. Bingley.

"Oh, I expect that she meant when she was next in town. She has not gone there now." The colonel looked amused.

"But it is the start of the season! Where else would she go but to London?" cried Miss Bingley. "Surely they are not travelling to Pemberley for the winter!"

"'They'? Who are 'they'? I thought that you were talking of my aunt."

"Darcy and Lady Anne: where have they gone?"

"I understood Darcy to say that he has some business or other and I believe that my aunt has gone to see some of her family."

"What family?" demanded Miss Bingley. "What family is she visiting?" Lady Catherine? The Matlocks? Who?

"I am not party to my aunt's concerns, so cannot tell you," the colonel replied affably. "Now, Bingley, shall we pay a visit to Longbourn?"

As they left, Miss Bingley screamed in frustration. She stamped up the stairs to her chambers and ordered her maid to start packing. She penned a spiteful farewell to Miss Bennet. As if I would allow Charles to marry her! Then she found her sister and told her that they were leaving for London that very day.

"No, Caroline," Mrs. Hurst protested.

"Yes, Louisa. Darcy has gone to London and thither we must go too!"

"No, we are staying here until January!"

"I think not! Now, pack!"

Mr. Hurst spoke up. "If you wish to stay at my townhouse, you may, but Louisa and I are remaining here with Bingley."

"I cannot stay there unaccompanied!" People would think that I am a spinster!

"You can stay there alone or you can stay here. The choice is yours." Hurst's tone held none of his usual mockery.

"Very well!"

"I shall send an express to my housekeeper telling her to prepare your chambers. I shall not bear the expense of opening the rest of the house, nor," he looked at her, sternly, "shall I bear the expense of anything that you break. You will have no authority over my servants: you will be permitted water for bathing, logs for the fire and meals. All other demands will be ignored."

"You cannot mean that, Hurst. Your servants are so very lazy— "

"My servants are mine and I shall say this again: you have no authority over them. You are, of course, welcome to set up your own establishment."

"My own—?" spluttered Miss Bingley.

"My housekeeper writes to Louisa every few days. I shall bid her to detail your behaviour."

"You—? My—?"

"If I hear that you have mistreated the servants, I shall follow you to London, pack your trunks and remove you. Do you understand me?"

"But— "

"Yes or no?"

"Yes." Miss Bingley had no intention of adhering to those silly rules. When I am Mistress of Pemberley, I shall take great pleasure in cutting you! she thought as she called for his carriage to be readied.

Darcy House

Lady Anne

A small cavalcade arrived at Darcy House later that day. Lady Anne hoped that Melissa and Phoebe's company would cheer Elizabeth.

Longbourn

Mr. Bennet

Hearing laughter before a knock at his book-room door, Mr. Bennet had already tidied away his papers when Jane and Anne burst in, the latter waving a letter.

"Oh, Mr. Bennet!" cried Anne.

"Pappa!" cried Jane.

"Yes, yes. What is this to-do?"

"Jane has had a letter! You will not believe what it says!"

"And you are moving it too quickly for me to read it from here."

"Yes, yes, Mr. Bennet! It is from Miss Bingley!"

"I see, and what does Miss Bingley write to Jane?"

"Pappa; she writes that they have closed Netherfield — though she calls it Northfield — and have departed for London," Jane replied.

"She claims," interjected Anne, "that she is intimate with my aunt and cousin. She claims that Mr. Bingley is courting my cousin, Georgiana!"

"Hmph!" said Mr. Bennet, amused.

"And, look, she says here, 'We hope to, one day, call her 'sister'.'" Jane stabbed at the paper.

"Georgiana is not yet out in society, so I know not how Miss Bingley can claim thus."

"'Tis but wishful thinking, Miss Prout," said Mr. Bennet with a sigh. "And, if you look out of the window, you will see that not all of their party have quit Netherfield."

The young women turned to the window to see Richard and Mr. Bingley riding towards the house, then, in a flurry of skirts, they fled to the parlour to await them.

Please don't copy! 😏

In which the author was in a dither — I've left my existential dithering here, even though I've finally resolved it. I'm gradually updating previous chapters to remove Collins' leering; to remove the attempted rape; to remove Jane's OOC reaction; and to tone down Caroline's farce (though I reserve the right to resurrect it).

So, I've made minor changes to chapters 44, 48 and 49; and bigger changes to chapters 50 and 51.

This means that the story continues mostly as I intended.

Though I appreciate all of the comments, those that are (politely) critical are the most useful. I've had to step away from my keyboard to think — dangerous, I know.

There're two issues on my mind:

• Farce — I enjoy writing the farcical scenes, but the story started as a long, slow, secret love, and so the farce doesn't really belong. Maybe there should be a separate version with the daftness and name-calling

• The assault — I'm very sorry that I caused distress by writing this scene, and am sorry that my words appeared careless. I thought that I'd handled it considerately by showing it from Bennet's POV — clearly not

I'm lucky enough to have two readers close at hand!

One, quite rightly, tells me that one can't please all of the people all of the time.

Here I must make a confession — please don't despise me for it — when I first read P+P as a teenager, I didn't get on with it at all! I didn't 'get' Darcy's letter as it's on six pages without a paragraph break; on and on and on it went. It was also at the time of Asimov and Anne McCaffrey which I found far more appealing.

The second always asks, 'does it add to the plot?'

Does the farce add to the plot? No. Does the assault? That's harder to answer. It enables Bennet to rescue Anne; Anne to meet Bingley; the Darcy family to relocate to London (yet to come); Jane to stop being moving wallpaper and have some texture to her character (like wood chip wallpaper, I suppose); and whatever else comes next.

Can I achieve these by other means? Ye-es, but … the replacement storyline is very flat — like it or not, life has ups and it has downs. I could remove the assumed attempted rape, but keep the hitting, horrid though that is. Would that achieve the same aims? Probably.

So, many apologies for thwarting you if you were expecting a continuation, but please do let me know what you think. I'm inclined to dump the farce — though still have fun with Caroline and Collins, and remove the idea of rape. Thoughts?

Please don't copy!