Madam and Missy — A Pride and Prejudice Variation
This is dedicated to all the writers both here and on KU who've released their stories for free! As I enjoy reading them so much, I thought that I'd have a go, and here it is.
[Note that I'm a Brit, so have written with British spelling, punctuation and terminology 😏]
I've used underline for loud voices, not quite SHOUTING.
In which both Lady Catherine and Lady Prudence make outlandish claims
Matlock House
Lady Harriet
"Where is she? Where have you hidden my daughter?"
Matlock and his wife exchanged pained glances as they heard the strident cries reach their private sitting room.
"I wonder who that could be," quipped Lady Harriet. "Can you think of anyone who would behave in such a manner?"
"Hmph! One more joke from you and I shall send you down to deal with her alone," Matlock grumbled, feigning severity. He stood and held a hand out to her. "Come, let us greet the dragon with a united front."
It was too late, the barbarian was approaching the gate. Hearing Lady Catherine's thundering roar getting closer, Matlock sat again and pulled his wife onto his lap.
"Why has this rug not been turned? I have told you, many times, that rugs should be turned daily so that they do not wear."
The commands continued.
"There is dust on that lintel. Get a cloth and clean it properly — now!"
"Are you trying to hide behind me, husband?" Lady Harriet asked, softly.
"Aye, protect me, my dear!"
"Those vases are not in a straight line! Straighten them this instance!"
Lady Harriet was being kissed thoroughly, as her husband's sister stormed into the sitting room.
Lady Catherine gasped. "I always knew that you were a shameless, shameless hussy and now I have proof! Be gone with you!"
"Catherine, what a surprise to see you. In our own parlour, at that," said Lady Harriet, freeing herself from Matlock's embrace and standing.
Matlock took a moment more to stand — it had been a while since Lady Harriet had sat on his lap, and she was amused to see that he appeared pleasantly distracted.
"Why are you here, Catty? And why could you not have awaited us downstairs?"
"I shall not speak while you entertain your mistress!" sniffed Lady Catherine.
"Do you promise this?" asked Lady Harriet.
Lady Catherine narrowed her eyes and glared at her. "Send her away, Hugh. I must talk with you."
"Ah, you do not promise this," sighed Lady Harriet. "I knew that your word was worthless." She shook her head; she so enjoyed taunting her sister-in-law. An idle thought crossed her mind, I wonder where my mother is.
A face appeared in the doorway. Its eyes brightened upon seeing the visitor.
Ah, here she is! Lady Harriet looked with anticipation at the spy and winked surreptitiously.
The face acknowledged the message and withdrew.
Lady Catherine had continued speaking, "My word is excellent! I am known for my good word in all things!"
"So you claim, sister dear, but I remain and you still speak." Lady Harriet looked innocent.
"Catty, you speak with both of us or not at all. And, we should retire downstairs to the parlour," began Matlock.
"No, we shall talk here, away from the ears of your indolent, thieving servants. I see that our mother's embroidered sampler has disappeared from the front parlour — stolen, no doubt. You must dismiss the lot of them. I shall appoint their replacements."
"You are very observant, but— "
"That is true; I am known for my attention in all matters!"
" —but you have not noticed that it is hanging here in this room." Matlock indicated the framed needlework. "We have put it next to others sewn by the ladies in our family."
Lady Catherine was not to be mollified. Drawing breath to respond, she jumped as a gnarled hand touched her arm.
"Is this my new companion, daughter?"
Having had a lifetime to become accustomed to her mother's non sequiturs, Lady Harriet responded as if the query had been serious, "No, Mother, this is Hugh's sister, Catherine; do you not remember her?"
"No, it cannot be! Catherine was a big woman with a loud voice and antiquated gowns. This woman is big and her gowns are very antiquated, but she has not a loud voice." Lady Prudence, fumbled around in her pockets. Looking up at Lady Catherine, she asked, "Have you seen my hearing trumpet, dear? Would you pop along to my chambers to find it?"
Lady Catherine was stunned into a rare silence.
Lady Prudence continued, "I ought to send one of the indolent servants, but some are turning a rug over and others are arguing about which of them can put two vases into the straightest line. I cannot send any of the thieving servants as they are stealing the dust from the lintels. Such wickedness! It was not so in my day," she finished with a sad sigh.
Lady Catherine regained her voice. "They were to turn the rug around not turn it over!"
"Well, dear, as soon as you have retrieved my hearing trumpet, you are free to direct them." Lady Prudence turned to address her daughter, "Perhaps this woman would better suit the role as housekeeper; she seems very knowledgeable in these matters."
Lady Catherine spluttered, "I am celebrated for my knowledge— "
"Yes, it would be a shame for her to accept the position of my companion if she were better being a housekeeper." She patted Lady Catherine's arm. "I shall be very sorry to see you go, dear, but you can rest assured that I shall write you an excellent reference."
Matlock had not had a lifetime of his mother-in-law's inanity so was struggling to hide his chuckles. His struggles were not successful as she turned to him, crying,
"You, you there! Footman! Attend me!"
He did as bidden.
"Fetch me paper and ink. I must write a reference for my companion." She leaned closer to him as if in confidence but did not moderate her voice. "She is to become a housekeeper, but keep that to yourself for now."
It was the work of but a moment for Matlock to settle Lady Prudence at his wife's writing desk. She took up the quill lying there.
"Now, what should I write about your work with a needle, dear? Are you accomplished?"
"If I had ever learnt, I should have been proficient."
Lady Harriet shook her head in disbelief. "If you had learnt, you would have been proficient?"
"That is correct, I should have been a great proficient. And so would my daughter, Anne, if her health had allowed her to apply. I am confident that she would have embroidered delightfully."
Lady Prudence took up the reins of the braggart. "A proficient, eh? A great proficient, no less. Of what else would you have been a proficient had you learnt?"
How does she do it? wondered Lady Harriet.
"I should have been an excellent musician, excelling at the pianoforte— "
"And the harp?"
"Of course, the harp too. My singing would have shamed the angels in God's firmament."
"And your artistic pursuits? Painting tables, covering screens?"
"Undeniably! The netting of purses, too!"
Lady Harriet and Matlock looked at each other, concealing their laughter.
"I believe that an accomplished lady should also ride well; do you ride?"
"My seat would have been greatly admired, near and far, had I learnt."
"I have also heard that a truly accomplished woman must possess a certain something in her air and manner of walking, the tone of her voice, her address and expressions, or the word would be but half-deserved— "
"Had I but learnt, gentlewomen throughout the realm would use my manner of walking as the epitome to which to strive."
"If only you had learnt!" interjected Lady Harriet. Had she but learnt to walk, indeed!
"Very well. And languages, do you speak other languages?"
Lady Harriet had to bite her lips as her sister's braggadocio grew and grew.
"Had I learnt, I should have been renowned for my fluency in French and Italian."
"And German?"
"Without a doubt!"
"Welsh?"
"Certainly!"
Lady Prudence put the quill down. "I can no longer recommend you as a housekeeper." She shook her head sadly.
"Oh, mother! Be not so unkind!" Lady Harriet implored her.
"It is obvious that my companion should be a governess; a governess to the royal family, no less. Her putative proficiency in so many accomplishments ought to be shared with only the very, very, very highest circle of society." Her voice rose in pitch with each repetition. "Now," she said as she took a second piece of paper, "one of my distant nephews is something or other in the court. I shall write to him, post-haste, directing him to employ my companion, post-haste."
She stood and approached Lady Catherine, holding out her hand. "I shall be very sorry to see you go, dear. We have done very well together."
From the lofty heights of her pedestal, Lady Catherine ignored the proffered hand, saying, "Hugh, I did not come here to be bedevilled by your mistress' mother, but to demand that you return my daughter."
Lady Harriet was distracted momentarily. 'Bedevilled'? A good word for my mother's ridicule. She missed her husband's response.
"I have had a demand from the kidnappers."
"What is this?" she asked. "What kidnappers?"
"Do pay attention, daughter. The housekeeper claims that her daughter has been kidnapped."
"Anne? Kidnapped?" She has not been kidnapped! "But— "
"She says that her daughter is missing, thus has been kidnapped," said Lady Prudence before returning her attention to Lady Catherine. "Now, dear, take a deep breath and start again."
"I shall not take a deep breath! I am renowned for my regular breathing. Anne has been missing for three days. She has been kidnapped."
"Three days?" asked Lady Harriet in surprise. Mr. Bennet wrote to us a week ago to say that my niece is staying with his family.
"She was taken from Rosings by force."
"I have not the pleasure of understanding you. Today is Thursday and you last saw Anne on Sunday? Or was it Monday?" Knowing that Anne had been safe in Meryton for over a week, Lady Harriet was attempting to make sense of Lady Catherine's pronouncement.
"That is correct," Lady Catherine answered evasively, but then addressed her brother, "Now, Hugh, what are you going to do about this? I demand that you arrange the ransom forthwith and reclaim my daughter."
Lady Harriet could see that Matlock was failing in his attempts at equanimity, so asked, "Might we see the ransom demand?"
"The demand is of a peculiar kind. It says that she will not be returned to me until her marriage to Darcy is announced."
The Matlocks snorted, but it was Lady Prudence who protested, "I think not!"
"Silence! This must be done to save my daughter!"
"No!"
"The marriage must be announced immediately! It is the only way to secure my daughter."
"I think not! Darcy is engaged to me. Now what have you to say?" Lady Prudence leant forwards, clenched fists on her hips.
Oh, Mother!
"Sister, calm yourself— " Lord Matlock said.
"I am calm! I am celebrated for my calmness! Your mistress' mother cannot be engaged to Darcy."
"The engagement between us is of a peculiar kind — indeed, much in the manner of your supposed ransom demand. From our infancy, we have been intended for each other. It is the favourite wish of his mother, as well as of mine. While in our cradles, they planned the union."
Matlock husband and wife could no longer contain their laughter.
Lady Prudence had not finished; she turned to her daughter and son-in-law, shaking a finger in their faces. "Are you lost to every feeling of propriety and delicacy?" she chastised them. "Have you not heard me say that, from his earliest hours, he was destined for me?"
"Enough, Imp, enough!" cried Matlock, wiping tears from his face. He handed his damp handkerchief to his wife and continued, "Anne is quite safe; she is staying with some friends. She has not been kidnapped."
"Nonsense! She does not have any friends!"
"But five days ago, I received a letter from her, saying exactly that."
"Anne does not have friends, thus you must have her secreted here!"
I may not have my mother's quickness with words, but I can add to the fun! thought Lady Harriet as she tucked the damp cloth well down into the front pocket of her husband's breeches.
"No, no!" Matlock jiggled.
"Hugh, stop squirming! As a boy, you squirmed thus when you had something to hide. Where have you hidden her?"
"She is not here, but you are welcome to look anywhere you wish. If you would excuse my wife and myself; I needs must have words with her."
As Lady Harriet allowed her husband to lead her into his chambers, she heard her mother say,
"Let us arrange for the servants to follow us as you inspect the housekeeping. Then, they can steal the dust from the lintels and turn the rugs over at your pleasure. This footman, here, is particularly trained in straightening vases, so we shall bid him to accompany us."
Please don't copy! 😏