Madam and Missy — A Pride and Prejudice Variation
This is dedicated to all the writers both here and on KU who've released their stories for free! As I enjoy reading them so much, I thought that I'd have a go, and here it is.
[Note that I'm a Brit, so have written with British spelling, punctuation and terminology 😏]
In which Miss Bingley meets Lady Prudence
Matlock House
Miss Bingley
Despite hours of her sister nagging her, Miss Bingley would not leave too early. Does Louisa not know that no-one of import arrives before midnight? To her annoyance, there was no receiving line on their arrival at Matlock House — how very rude! Miss Bingley was undaunted, as their hostess, Lady Harriet, came to greet them. Miss Bingley preened under the attention, acknowledging it to be a mark of the countess' approval.
Before Miss Bingley had the opportunity to seek out Darcy, Lady Harriet took her arm, saying, "My mother has been desirous of meeting you. Come; I shall introduce you to her."
Miss Bingley stood tall and allowed herself to be led to a very old lady.
"Mother, may I introduce Miss Caroline Bingley to your acquaintance? Miss Bingley this is my mother, the dowager countess, Lady Prudence Tenston of Shropshire."
Miss Bingley curtseyed, while the dowager peered up at her myopically.
"Miss Bingle, I was admiring your dress," said the countess loudly, still squinting.
"'Ley', 'Bingley', your ladyship."
"My apologies, Miss Lee-Bingle, my hearing is not what is was. Miss Carol Lee-Bingle; have I got that correct now?"
"Caroline Bingley, my lady."
"Ah, I have it now. I must show you to some charming and elegant young men. Give me your arm," the dowager ordered in a loud voice.
"Come, here are some distant nephews. I cannot remember who is related to who, so call them distant nephews." She leant forward to examine one young man with particularly foppish hair, and added, "This one might be a distance niece. This is Miss Carol Lineley-Bingle. You will see that that she is a leader in fashion — the colour of her dress was popular in my youth, and must be popular again soon."
Miss Bingley was taken aback, and tried to give her correct name. "It is 'Bingley'. And will you not tell me their names, my lady?"
"No dear. They outrank you and have not asked to be known to you."
"What?"
"Do not dally, dear Miss Lineley-Bingle, I have many more distant nephews, or are they cousins, I never do know." Towing Miss Bingley to a second group, she again told them her name, bellowing to them, "Beware not to fall in love with dear Miss Lineley-Bingle, nephews, as she is determined to catch dear Darcy."
Again Miss Bingley was affronted. Can she not get my name correct?
"Ah, here are some more distant nephews, dear Miss Lineley-Bingle." This time, Lady Prudence admonished the young men, "Beware that Miss Lineley-Bingle has but a small dowry, and it is from trade."
Miss Bingley managed to conceal her outrage. Twenty thousand is not a small dowry!
"I espy one more group of distant nephews, dear Miss Lineley-Bingle. I shall show you to them, and then you must help me to find a seat with a good view of the dancers."
Miss Bingley recognised some of the men in the last group. One was Darcy!
"Dear Miss Lineley-Bingle, here are yet more of my distant nephews," began Lady Prudence.
"We are not distant nephews, Grandmother, we are your grandsons," said Colonel Richard Fitzwilliam, indicating his brother and himself.
"I am a distant nephew," conceded Darcy.
"Yes, yes, you are confusing me. This is Miss Carol Lineley-Bingle who has become very dear to me, and these men," she pointed at them vaguely, "who may or may not be distant nephews are Monsieur Jardinier — who is quite gentlemanly despite being a French tradesman — several Fitzwilliams — too many to count and I remember not their names." She waved at James Fitzwilliam and his older brother John, Matlock, Viscount Cromford, Colonel Fitzwilliam and Darcy. "But, as you have not yet met them, dear Miss Lineley-Bingle, let me see if I can name them for you. Mmm." She pointed at each of the men in turn. "Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub."
Appalled, Miss Bingley watched as, pushing and teasing each other, the Fitzwilliam men laughed at their new names.
"Ha, ha, Grub!" the colonel teased as he nudged Darcy with his elbow.
"Least I do not dribble!" countered Darcy, elbowing Richard in return.
"'Dibble' not 'dribble', Grub!'"
"Boys! Boys!" Lady Prudence admonished them.
Smirking, they hung their heads, but continued elbowing each other. Miss Bingley was nonplussed seeing this poor behaviour from members of the first circle.
Lady Prudence sniffed and continued. "Then we have Bonnet — he has recently wed, so take no notice of him." She addressed Mr. Bennet, "You must tell me, how is dear Mrs. Step-Bonnet, this evening?"
"Very well, I thank you, my lady," Mr. Bennet replied with a courtly bow.
"Enough of that, young man! And the man in the blue waistcoat is Mr. Really-Charles. His fortune is from trade like yours, so he might be a good catch for you, dear." She looked around. "He has an identical twin brother somewhere, whose looks you might prefer. Where is Mr. Really-Hurst, Mr. Really-Charles; has he arrived yet or is he being so fashionably late that he intends to arrive for tomorrow's luncheon?"
Mr. Bingley laughed along with the other men.
Never missing an opportunity to fawn to Darcy, Miss Bingley ignored the laughter and, wrenching her arm from Lady Prudence's grip, immediately walked through the group to clasp onto his arm.
"There," shouted Lady Prudence, "I knew that you were hoping to catch Darcy, dear Miss Lineley-Bingle. It is as well that I warned my distant nephews not to lose their hearts over you." Turning to address Darcy, she added, "You must release your ladylove now, young man, as dear Miss Lineley-Bingle has promised to help me to find a seat so that I can watch the dancers — unless any of you wish to fill out my dance card before we go. I still have the mantra available."
Several male hands shot towards the dowager; Darcy's reached the card first. Miss Bingley was confused to see him write 'Dribble' on it.
"You shall have to be quick to compromise Darcy, dear Miss Lineley-Bingle, else I shall do so first. Now, where do you think has the best view?" Lady Prudence's fingers pressed into Miss Bingley's arm and pulled her away.
Miss Bingley flushed. Can she not moderate her voice and speak more quietly?
A dance finished, and couples lined up for the next. Miss Bingley looked at them with disinterest until she spotted Elizabeth standing with the colonel. Eliza Bonnet!
"What is it, dear Miss Lineley-Bingle? What has caught your interest? If it is gossip, then I beg you to tell me as no-one speaks to me nowadays. It was not so when I was younger."
"It is that Eliza Bonnet," answered Miss Bingley, through narrowed lips.
"Elijah who?" the dowager shouted.
"Eliza Bonnet."
"Point him out to me, dear." Lady Prudence, still clutching Miss Bingley's arm tightly, walked, peering, towards the dancers.
"She is dancing with Colonel Fitzwilliam, over here." Miss Bingley indicated the direction.
"Which one is Colonel Fitzwilliam?"
"Your grandson." Miss Bingley was becoming increasingly exasperated.
"The viscount?"
"No, Colonel Richard Fitzwilliam."
"Richard? Has he had a promotion? I must congratulate him. Is he wearing the blue waistcoat?"
Lady Prudence started to pull Miss Bingley through the dancers. Miss Bingley did her best to resist as the men and women capered around them with various degrees of dexterity.
"No, he is wearing a red uniform."
The movement of the dance brought Elizabeth and the colonel to face them. They greeted the red-faced Miss Bingley and skipped either side of her, their clasped hands brushing the feathers in her turban as they made an arch over her head.
"Ah, and which is Elijah Bonnet? Is he wearing the blue waistcoat?"
"No, my lady, Miss Eliza Bonnet is dancing with your grandson, Colonel Richard Fitzwilliam!"
"Ah, and you wish for Richard. I had understood that you wished for Darcy, dear. Would Richard's partner do for Darcy, then?"
"No! She would not do for Darcy!"
"Why not, dear Miss Lineley-Bingle? You cannot have them both, that is not the way of the world. You might write to the Arch-bishop of wherever it is to see if he might permit it. He is another distant nephew, I believe, so might hear your pleas. Now, my daughter keeps her writing desk somewhere around here — so let us do so before we forget." Still standing amongst the dancers, Lady Prudence looked around in confusion. "Oh no, everything has been moved around for the dancing. Do you remember where my daughter's writing desk was moved to, dear?"
It was only the need to impress Darcy and to remain in good standing with Lord and Lady Matlock that kept Miss Bingley from screaming in frustration. Why is this witless old crone allowed out in society?
The dance had finished and supper was announced before Miss Bingley could find a seat to satisfy Lady Prudence.
"Come and sit with me for supper, dear Miss Lineley-Bingle. I should like to hear about the woman standing between you and the captain. Let us determine how to see her off — I am certain that we can find a way, the two of us." She had leaned close, conspiratorially, but her voice was still raised.
As Miss Bingley tried to direct the older lady to seats near to Darcy, Lady Prudence said, "No, I do not advise you to show your keenness so openly, dear Miss Lineley-Bingle. It is only by remaining aloof that you will tempt the men to flock to you."
Miss Bingley fumed.
Lady Harriet
Darcy and Elizabeth sat with James and Mary and were surrounded by other members of the extended Fitzwilliam family. Lady Harriet was distracted — she was trying to watch both her son and Jane Bennet, and her mother and Miss Bingley.
"Are you well, Aunt?" asked Darcy. "Or should I not ask?"
"I am very well, young William," Lady Harriet replied, turning her head from one couple to the other. "I can see that my mother is enjoying herself, but cannot tell if Richard has proposed to Miss Bennet. Wander along behind them and find out for me, will you?"
"Indeed not!" said Darcy, with a laugh. "You will have to find out when Richard tells you."
Lady Harriet leaned towards Elizabeth. "Lizzy," she said, "you and Mary go to find out how Jane is. Find out if he has proposed."
"She will not," protested Darcy.
"I shall, Aunt Harriet," began Elizabeth, "ask Jane if she is enjoying herself, as I need to excuse myself for a few minutes. I shall not, though, ask about a proposal." Seeing Lady Harriet look a bit miffed, she continued, "Perhaps you might accompany me and ask her yourself."
"Hmph. No, I shall not give Richard the satisfaction. If he has not the grace to tell his mother of his schemes, I shall have to bear the disappointment." She turned to Mary. "Go with Lizzy, please, and see what you can find out from Jane."
Mary shook her head, laughing. "I shall go with Lizzy, but I shall not question Jane."
Elizabeth and Mary stood, as did the men sitting close to them, and excused themselves. They spoke to Jane who also stood and accompanied them. Lady Harriet wasted no time in dashing over to talk to Richard. He, having been a military man for over a decade, was able to withstand her interrogation.
Please don't copy! 😏
In which the author salutes those who recognise the names of the Trumpton firemen — those were the days!