Madam and Missy — A Pride and Prejudice Variation

This is dedicated to all the writers both here and on KU who've released their stories for free! As I enjoy reading them so much, I thought that I'd have a go, and here it is.

[Note that I'm a Brit, so have written with British spelling, punctuation and terminology 😏]

In which Lady Prudence further bedevils Miss Bingley

Matlock House

Miss Bingley

Much to Miss Bingley's annoyance, Lady Prudence called out to the Bennet sisters as they were passing, "Maid Marion, Busy Lizzy, do join me. Have you met dear Miss Lineley-Bingle?"

"We have, Lady Prudence," Elizabeth replied. "How are you, Miss Bingley?"

"Surprised to see you here, Miss —sniff— Eliza," Miss Bingley replied, sneering. She looked up and down at the sisters' gowns in envy, but was not to admit to it. "Gowns only two years out of date! You do know how to honour the occasion," she sneered.

"Why, thank you, Miss Bingley," replied Jane. "These were gifts only this week."

"As was mine," interjected Lady Prudence. She took a handful of the fabric from her skirt and held it next to Elizabeth's. "See, we chose matching gowns from Mlle Gris."

"'Mlle Gris'? I cannot see you getting appointments there!" scoffed Miss Bingley. And your gowns are not the same colour at all.

"We spent a whole day there a week before Christmas," said Jane. "I called at the Hursts' and left my card when we first arrived from Meryton. Had you returned my call, we should have invited you to join us. I assumed that you were out of town."

Miss Bingley eyed Jane. She cannot dissemble, so that must be the truth. Hmph, as if I would return a call to Cheapside! No matter; my gown is from Mme Jardinière and has much more lace.

"I see that you still finger your ugly bracelet, Miss —sniff— Eliza. 'Tis a great shame that you have no pretty or fashionable jewellery."

"Do you have a cold, Miss Bingley?" Jane asked.

Lady Prudence did not allow time for Miss Bingley to answer, instead, indicating Jane, enquired of Elizabeth, "Is this another of Sir Tommy's great many daughters?"

"'Sir Tommy'? Who is he?" demanded Miss Bingley.

Lady Prudence pulled Miss Bingley close enough to whisper in her ear, and shouted, "Sir Tommy is one of my bevy of beaux. Of course, now that he is wed to dear Mrs. Step-Bonnet, we are having to be very, very discreet in our liaisons."

The Bennet sisters laughed at such a pronouncement.

"Your father has been knighted!" gasped Miss Bingley.

"No, no, dear Miss Lineley-Bingle, my father was a duke." Lady Prudence frowned up at Miss Bingley as if she were stupid.

"No. Mr. Bonnet: has he been knighted?"

"'My lady'," said Lady Prudence.

Miss Bingley glared at Elizabeth. "Has your father been knighted?"

"Dear Miss Lineley-Bingle," Lady Prudence said slowly, as if to a child. "My father was a duke, and the father of these great many daughters is Sir Tommy, one of my plethora of paramours."

"Has Miss —sniff— Eliza's father been knighted?"

"'My lady'," said Lady Prudence.

Jane answered, "No, my father has not been knighted."

"Why do you call him, 'Sir Tommy'?"

"'My lady'," said Lady Prudence.

Miss Bingley's eyes narrowed as she asked with disdain, "Why do you call him, 'Sir Tommy', my lady?"

"It is complicated, dear Miss Lineley-Bingle," Lady Prudence sighed. "I have some great-great-great-great, oh, a great many 'greats'— " She shook her head and started again. "I have some — some, mind you, not a great many — some very, very, very distant nieces who have been in the care of these great many very, very distant nieces." She pointed at the Bennet sisters. "Now— "

"You? You are the distant aunt from Staffordshire?" Appalled, Miss Bingley interrupted Lady Prudence.

"'My lady'."

"You? You are the distant aunt from Staffordshire, my lady?"

"No, I am the very, very distant aunt from Shropshire. 'Tis an easy mistake to make."

Miss Bingley was shocked. The Bonnets are related to the Matlocks! No, this cannot be!

"It is quite a complicated connection, is it not, my lady?" asked Mary.

"You are correct, Maid Marion, but I shall explain it to you again. Attend me: you are my daughter's husband's sister-in-law's brother-in-law's son's wife's step-mother's step-daughters."

What is the foul old woman talking about? As the others laughed ingratiatingly at the old crone's nonsense, Miss Bingley attempted to take advantage of her distraction to sidle away, but her movement was noticed; a claw caught her arm.

Lady Prudence continued, "Attend me, dear Miss Lineley-Bingle, for now it becomes more complicated. Sir Tommy, as the father of these great many very, very distant nieces who are caring for my very, very, very distant nieces, becomes — through marriage, mind you — a very, very, very, very distant nephew. It is inappropriate for me, the daughter of a duke, the widow of an earl and the betrothed of Fitzwilliam Darcy, to have a dalliance with a mere country squire, even if he is a very, very, very, very distant nephew through marriage, thus— "

Miss Bingley frowned, trying to parse the words. "Y-you cannot be betrothed to Darcy!"

"'My lady'," said Lady Prudence.

"You cannot be betrothed to Darcy, my lady!"

"Why not? 'Tis but a matter of time before I compromise him!"

"But I am to be betrothed to Darcy, my lady!" Miss Bingley did not conceal her outrage.

"Nonsense, dear Miss Lineley-Bingle!" Lady Prudence looked away in annoyance. "There is nobody best suited to be Mistress of Embersby than myself."

"Y-you— "

"'My lady'," said Lady Prudence.

"You cannot be Mistress of Pemberley, my lady." Miss Bingley spoke through her clenched teeth.

"I should have to give up my beaux, though," sighed Lady Prudence. "Darcy would need to know that the sons that I shall bear are his own." She thought for a moment. "Ah, I now find myself perched the horns of a dilemma: do I give up my army of admirers, or do I forsake my desire to be the Mistress of Embersby."

Miss Bingley was drawing breath to protest, when Elizabeth spoke,

"That sounds very uncomfortable, my lady. Do you not have a saddle to fit the dilemma?"

"Oh, dear Busy Lizzy! A saddle! I have one to fit a quandary; would it also fit a dilemma?"

"That is nonsense— " began Miss Bingley.

"I do believe that they are related, my lady," replied Mary, while Jane giggled.

Again, Miss Bingley tried to take advantage of the other women's distraction: she started to edge away from Lady Prudence. Again, a claw shot out and caught her arm.

"Dear Miss Lineley-Bingle, would you call the housekeeper? You cannot miss her, as she is a very large woman wearing a gown many, many years out of fashion; indeed, more so that your own. If you follow the sound of rugs being turned over, you will find her. When you do, tell her to ready my saddle. You can borrow my spare and, on the morrow, we shall be seen riding our dilemmas in Hyde Park by the very best of society."

The Bennet sisters' laughter had drawn the attention of Darcy, who came over to join them.

Miss Bingley watched as he politely allowed his decrepit aunt to take his arm, then frowned as the strumpet immediately fawned over him, trying to gain his attention. Has she no shame?

"Young Darcy! We, that is, my very, very distant nieces, the great many daughters of my beaux, Sir Tommy, and dear Miss Lineley-Bingle, who is not a niece as far as I am aware— " She paused to think, then said, "Aha, she would be a distant niece if she were to compromise one of my distant nephews. A distant niece by marriage, mind you, but a distant niece nonetheless."

"Is there anyone here, this evening, who is not a distant niece or nephew, my lady?" the strumpet asked.

Miss Bingley sniffed and interjected, "Your connections is, at best, tenuous, Miss —sniff— Eliza."

"Do you have a cold, dear Miss Lineley-Bingle?"

"No, my lady, I do not."

"Why do you sniff so?" Lady Prudence hailed a nearby footman, "Footman! Attend me! When you have finished putting that vase into a straight line, find a handkerchief for dear Miss Lineley-Bingle."

All but Miss Bingley laughed as the footman ostentatiously moved a vase, stood back to inspect it, moved it another half an inch, bowed and departed. The staff here are obviously very insolent.

"I do not have a cold, my lady."

Miss Bingley was outraged to see the Bonnet harlot move closer to Darcy and take his free arm. She smirked at me! How dare she?

"Miss —sniff— Eliza, you ought not take a gentleman's arm until he offers it."

"Is this a new fashion, dear Miss Lineley-Bingle?"

"No, my lady," Miss Bingley replied, superciliously. "It has ever been thus. One ought not take gentleman's arm unless he has offered it. Miss —sniff— Eliza is country-bred and wanton, so is not aware of the manners required in our society."

Lady Prudence ignored her reply, saying, "Let me try it: 'Miss Eliza —sniff—'. No, no, that is not correct. Let me try again: '—sniff— Miss Eliza'." She shook herself in frustration. "Oh! These new fashions are so difficult to learn. Busy Lizzy! Attend me!"

"My lady?"

"Explain it to me slowly, if you would; very slowly."

"Very well, my lady. I cannot claim to be proficient, but I believe that you start by saying 'Miss'."

What? Why is she encouraging the foolish old bat?

"'Miss'. Yes I have that. What comes next?"

"Then you sniff."

"You sniff after saying 'miss'?"

"Indeed," said Darcy.

"Do not fluster me, young Darcy! There will be plenty of time for your flirtations, later." Lady Prudence took a deep breath, frowned in concentration and continued, "'Miss —sniff—'. Was that correct?"

"Indeed!"

"Very good, my lady."

"'Miss —sniff—', 'Miss —sniff—'. Yes, I have that. What comes next?"

"The lady's name, my lady," Elizabeth replied.

"Very well: 'Miss —sniff— Eliza'."

"Oh, well done!" cried Elizabeth as her sisters and Darcy applauded.

Why are they congratulating the old hag?

"Oh, I am so excited! I am truly fashionable!" cried Lady Prudence. "I must try it again. Now, let me see." Again frowning in concentration, she said. "'Miss —sniff— Mary'. Was that correct, Busy Lizzy? Was that correct?"

"It was, my —sniff— lady." The shameless hussy smiled up at Darcy.

Why has he not shaken her off?

"Good! Good! Then I shall try '—sniff— Miss Bonnet'. Oh no; this is much harder than it first seems." She looked despondent.

"Oh, my lady. Do not lose heart," cried Jane, in sympathy. "Perhaps Lizzy is not the right teacher."

"No?"

"The fashion was brought to us in Meryton by Miss Bingley. We have but learned from her."

What?

"Is this so?" Lady Prudence turned beseeching eyes to Miss Bingley. "Dear Miss Lineley-Bingle, would you teach this new fashion to me?"

"It is not a fashion!" Miss Bingley protested.

"But you are all that is fashionable, dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle— "

Any further words were drowned out by the group's congratulations.

Lady Prudence looked very self-satisfied. "Oh! I have it! 'Dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle'! 'Dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle'! 'Dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle'!"

Speechless, Miss Bingley fumed as the Bonnets fled from the supper room. For once, she wished that she was in their party and thus could also escape the crone's irksome company. She consoled herself with reaching for Darcy's arm, but found that he had returned to his table.

Please don't copy! 😏