Madam and Missy — A Pride and Prejudice Variation

This is dedicated to all the writers both here and on KU who've released their stories for free! As I enjoy reading them so much, I thought that I'd have a go, and here it is.

[Note that I'm a Brit, so have written with British spelling, punctuation and terminology 😏]

In which Darcy and Elizabeth leave early, and Miss Bingley has had enough

Matlock House

Elizabeth

In the hallway, Jane's sisters looked at her expectantly.

"Has he asked you yet?" Mary asked.

"Jane?" prompted Elizabeth when Jane did not reply. "You have a look about you which says that you are contented, nay, happy."

"But you are not to tell until he has spoken with Pappa."

Elizabeth joined Mary in wrapping Jane in an exuberant hug. Wonderful!

"And Richard does not wish his mother to know, yet."

"Ha, ha," laughed Mary. "Aunt Harriet will winkle it out of him before the end of the ball."

"If we were at a gentlemen's club, we might place bets on whether she will win this evening," murmured Elizabeth, glancing over her shoulder to check that no-one was listening.

"I shall not bet, Lizzy!" Jane protested.

"I am not suggesting that you do, but Mary and I might. What think you, Mary?"

"What are the stakes?"

Elizabeth and Mary looked around for inspiration.

"I know," said Jane. "The loser is to take Kitty and Lydia shopping for ribbons!"

"Excellent, Jane!"

"So, Lizzy, do you think that Aunt Harriet will manage to get Richard to reveal all?"

"I know not," admitted Elizabeth with a small laugh. "They are both very determined. What do you think?"

Mary shook her head.

"Wait a moment." Elizabeth walked back to the supper room and beckoned to Darcy. James followed his cousin to join the sisters.

"William, do you have a coin?"

"How much do you need?" Darcy asked her.

"Anything. We just need a coin to toss for a bet," Elizabeth said to her astonished husband.

"A bet? On what are you betting?"

"Mary and I are betting on whether Aunt Harriet will find out from Richard whether he has proposed to Jane."

"Why do you need a coin?"

"I thought that, since neither of us know which party to support, we could use the coin to determine who each of us is, er, backing."

"Hmph," said James. "I am not sure that I care for my wife to be betting." He held his hands up. "I know that it is for fun, but I should rather that you did not, Mary."

"Very well," Mary acquiesced.

"I shall bet against you," said Darcy, smirking, "but should like to know the terms."

"Mmm," said Elizabeth, considering. "I think that Aunt Harriet will find out from Richard that he has proposed to Jane, and that she will do so before the end of the ball."

Darcy nodded.

Elizabeth continued, "If Lady Harriet succeeds, I win; if Lady Harriet fails, you lose. The loser takes Kitty and Lydia shopping for ribbons. Agreed?"

"I accept," said Darcy, shaking her hand then lifting it to his lips.

"Is this how you seal all of your bets, Madam?"

"Only those with my irascible wife!" he said, shaking his head, realising what she had actually said.

"Your only wife!"

The others pretended to groan.

"Excuse me," he bowed to Jane, James and Mary, "I shall rely on you to tell us the results as I am taking my duplicitous wife home! Please extend our thanks to Aunt Harriet."

"Your only wife!"

Elizabeth did not protest as he drew her away. They gathered their coats and left to walk the short distance to Darcy House across the square.

Matlock House

Miss Bingley

Looking around the supper room, Miss Bingley found that she could not see Darcy. Further craning of her neck showed that little Miss Strumpet was absent too. This is too much!

"Is something amiss, dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle?"

"Not at all, my lady," she replied through gritted teeth.

"I can see that you are upset. Would you like me to find my smelling salts?" The dowager took her hand and patted it to comfort her.

"I thank you, my lady, but no." Where is Darcy?

"You could put your head between your knees if you are feeling lightheaded," suggested Lady Prudence. "I do not suggest putting your head between someone else's knees as you would get the reputation of being a bit of a loose woman. It was not so when I was young enough to wear a dress that colour, but things will change whether we like it or not."

"I am not feeling lightheaded, my lady."

"That is good, dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle. These servants are very lazy and would take too long to find my smelling salts. I shall send one now, in case you feel lightheaded again later on." She beckoned a footman to her and, after admonishing him not to steal dust from the lintels, sent him to find her smelling salts. "Be careful not to exert yourself before he returns, dear."

Miss Bingley counted slowly, very slowly, to ten.

"I am not feeling lightheaded, my lady, but am looking for Eliza Bonnet," she said, as calmly as she could.

"If you are not feeling lightheaded, why did you ask for my smelling salts, dear," asked Lady Prudence, petulantly. Then she shouted across the room, "Harriet! Daughter! Attend me!"

"Yes, Mother, are you well? Is Miss Bingley taking good care of you?" asked Lady Harriet, arriving by her side.

"I am delighted with her, Harriet. She can start her employment as my companion straightaway." Addressing a livid Miss Bingley, she continued, "Do you have to give notice to your current employers, dear?"

"I am not here to audition as your companion, my lady!"

"Really, dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle? Except for your light-headedness, I have been pleased with your companionship so far. I am particularly impressed with how au fait you are with the latest fashions." Pulling on her daughter's arm, she continued, "Harriet; did you know that it is au courant to sniff in the middle of someone's name?"

"No, Mother. I did not."

"I shall demonstrate. Listen: we must arrange for a doctor to visit on the morrow as we cannot allow dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle to continue feeling unwell. Hear how I sniffed?"

Lady Harriet nodded.

"I am not your new companion and I am not feeling lightheaded!"

"Why were you looking around, if not for the footman with my smelling salts?"

"I was looking for Eliza Bonnet!"

"Ha, ha! You forgot to sniff in the middle of Elijah's name!"

"Miss —sniff— Eliza! Where has she gone?"

"Ah, the young lady standing between you and Richard. Sit down, Harriet. Help us to remove this Elijah so that dear —sniff— Miss Lineley-Bingle can have her chance with the captain." Lady Harriet sat, and Lady Prudence continued. "Now, tell me the gossip, dear Miss —sniff— Lineley-Bingle, tell me the gossip about this interloper and we shall see her off for you."

All patience gone, Miss Bingley was very indiscreet.

"Miss Eliza Bonnet is a strumpet! She is constantly throwing herself at Darcy, trying to give a name to her natural daughters!"

The room went silent.

Lady Harriet

"She left shortly afterwards," Lady Harriet overheard Lady Prudence telling Georgiana, Kitty and Lydia, the following morning. "Mr. Bingley took her away saying that she had been unwell."

"And after you so kindly offered your smelling salts!" cried Lydia, tears of laughter wetting her face.

Oh mother! You were wonderful!

Please don't copy! 😏

In which the author confesses that this is almost as far as she's written/happy with. I have chapters 71-75, but the heading of chapter76 says 'PLOTTING'! I know what happens after that and it's pretty much written, but am dithering with the bit before the end. I, we, can only hope that the 'need' to pop another five chapters here in a week will focus my mind.

In which the author thanks everyone who PMed to say that they'd like to read the rest of Madam and Missy as she'd written it. I'm sorry, it's taking me a while to respond.