Author's Notes: I know I know, it's been a long, long, long time since my last update. I've been busy with school, I'm sorry to say. And as punishment, the gods let thunder strike upon me in the form of this fic's first flame (I consider it one, at least… or maybe I'm just being too emotional and sensitive).
And hurrah! Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is out! (",)
Disclaimer: Not mine, not yours, but hers. We all know that. It's like, everyone knows that the Great Wall is in China, the Pyramids are in Egypt, the Rice Terraces are in the Philippines, and the Hanging Gardens are in Babylon. And Saint Nicholas, who is the real version of Santa Claus, is from Turkey. Er… right?
The Diary of Akane Tendo
Chapter Five: Pop Goes Everything
Sunday, December 5, the memorial park
"To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure." –Albus Dumbledore
I'm sure my mom's happy in her next great adventure. She is an epitome of beauty, wisdom, strength, and everything in between. Plus, her mind was well-organized.
Unlike mine.
But I don't want to talk about my lameness now. Because I am right here at my mother's grave, and I don't want to make her feel bad knowing that her daughter didn't quite turn out much like she wanted to. No, not that I turned out to be convict or a school dropout or whatever. Something else.
So everyone in the dojo woke up early, like six in the morning, went here to the memorial park, prayed for my mom, and hanged out in peace. It's now ten in the morning, and the sun is beaming, but the December air is chilly. Everybody's under the polymer canvas about 20 yards behind me, while I am sitting on the grass beside mom's grave, meditating and reflecting quietly about what has happened with my life and what I have done to and with it.
It's not just about the dance or Ranma. Or the whole psychology thing. Or how I've become stereotyped as the pretty prize slash girlfriend-if-you-kick-her-ass. Or the how I've wanted to die a couple of times now. Not just, you know, die out of humiliation, but die. As in leave this materialistic earth and let my soul drift somewhere else.
No, not really. It's my life in general.
Yet somehow, thinking about my depressing life right here beside my mom doesn't seem too… depressing. There's really something about sitting with a loved one I have lost. It's like the serenity tells me that I haven't really lost her completely. Before Kasumi became the mother figure in the family, it was Mom I always ran to whenever I wanted to cry when I was a kid. I laid all of my burdens down at her feet. Whenever I was sick, Mom was the best medicine.
And now, being beside her sort of makes me feel that I have nothing to be depressed about. Okay, I may not be able to go the dance (I still could without a date, but I'd rather not do that), and Ranma is so vague… but, you know. Some of the kids in Africa are more helpless.
Father and I spent a few minutes alone by mother's grave several moments earlier. I asked him what Mom did whenever she was troubled.
"You mother was seldom troubled, Akane," he replied, a small nostalgic smile stretching on his lips. "She got along with everyone and everything that Kami-sama never wanted to trouble her with anything."
I saw that coming – my mother was indeed like that. But I tilted my head up, waiting for a reply from Dad after I had said "Well… in those few times, what did she do?"
He sighed. "She… well, she carried on with whatever she was doing. When she solved her problems, she tried to do it herself. She didn't want to bother or involve anyone she loved. Your mom was really…"
"Doting?" I suggested.
"Y-yes… but Akane, I'm telling you, if you'd have known her a little longer, you won't find any word or words to describe her with."
I was silent. Dad infrequently used that poignant tone of his. He was usually just a long-haired, middle-aged man who loved laughing with his bald, eyeglass-wearing friend who turns into a panda when hit with cold water. The wind blew his long black hair behind him and he sighed again. If I'd have known better, he's been trying to blink his tears away or letting the air evaporate them. But I didn't want to point it out to the guy whose love for my mom is unmatched, so I gave him a hug and a peck on the cheek.
"We all miss her, Dad," I whispered. "But she's always there."
"Yes, she still is, isn't she?" he said, looking fondly at me.
I chuckled. "Hey, if there's somebody here who's got the closest resemblance to Mother, physically, mentally, or emotionally, it's Kasumi. Not me."
"Oh, Akane-chan… if only you know," he murmured as he turned his back. I swear, I saw a trace of a smile from the corner of his lips. "You have more in common with your mother than you think."
And with that, he walked toward the polymer canvas where Kasumi and Nabiki were preparing rice cakes, and Grandpa Happosai, Uncle Genma, and Ranma were salivating impatiently. So here I am, sitting beside an epitaph, writing on my diary, wondering if what Dad said is really true.
Because if it is, then I don't really have anything to worry about. Mom was like, a goddess on earth. Sure, goddesses have problems sometimes, but really. They're GODDESSES.
My stomach is grumbling. And I'm starting to smell something like a mix of pancake batter and Ukyou's okonomiyaki. Hunger does bring out the imagination inside of a person. All we've got are rice cakes and shrimp… I wonder if goddesses have delusions, too.
Sunday, under the polymer canvas tent, still the memorial park
"Oh, Ranma, they're delicious because I fused Eastern cuisine with Western cuisine! I call them pancake-okonomiyaki. Or… paniyaki. Or… okonocakes. Or maybe just pancakes. Make that special pancakes."
And if isn't enough that everybody's salivating over rice cakes, shrimp, and those flat things, Ukyou might as well be salivating over Ranma. She's all "Ranma, taste this!" and "Ranma, taste that!" It grosses me out. She used to be a tomboy! A REAL one! Why can't she just stay that way and marry that Tsubasa person and live happily ever after with a couple of cross-dressing kids?
And then I'll have Ranma to myself, because he doesn't really care about Shampoo or Kodachi. He cares about me. And I have no reason to deny that I care about him, because why else would I be writing what I have just written down about him?
Akane 1: Oh, crud, I can't believe I just wrote that.
Akane 2: You are so in denial.
Akane 1: Am not.
Akane 2: Then why else would you be saying, "I can't believe I just wrote that"? You want me to lay the details out for you? One, you've been pining for Ranma for, like, ever. Two, he might as well have said he loves you with that kiss he almost gave you last night. Three, you're engaged to one another, for crying out loud.
Akane 1: Uhm, okay.
Akane 3: You two, put a sock in it! Make up your mind already, Akane!
Akane 2: Which Akane?
I am so off my rocker this time.
Sunday, 2 pm
It really is a small world, after all.
Avery's here. With Niles, his butler. And white, yellow, and red roses. Not for me, but for his grandfather who was half British and Japanese and was buried here in Japan. After he died of lung cancer. Because of Avery's Japanese great grandfather's wish. Which was for his son to be buried beside him.
Small, small world.
I am just, you know. Stunned. Or something.
It's not that I want to have an Avery-free day, because the previous week had been fraught with Avery-filled moments. But, you know. Maybe he is related to Prince William due to some twist in the branches of the family tree. Because, after all, the world is small. And if by some chance Avery's really related to Will, I won't be surprised. Chances are, I may be related to that priestess from the Feudal Era… the one who fell in love with a half dog demon. But that's another story.
The following story, however, is about what's going to happen this afternoon. But I gotta slam this furry pink notebook shut now.
Sunday, porch across koi pond
"We're visiting my mother," I answered him as we both sat down on the grass beside two epitaphs after watching Niles retreat to the limousine.
"So… it's something we have in common, after all," he remarked, a faint, longing smile on his face.
"She died when I was a little kid. Since then, Kasumi became the mother of the house," I paused, looking at Kasumi who was still under the polymer canvas several yards away from us. "She's done a very good job," I added.
Avery and I set our eyes upon his grandfather's and great grandfather's epitaphs. "My parents were buried in America. But when I was really young, I remember having so much fun when I visited Gramps here in Japan. I was a kid, too, when we lost him… and I don't really remember, but Dad said that I cried my tear ducts out for a week."
"I was a kid when it happened, but I was already depressed," I said. "She left so suddenly."
"It was more painful to watch someone I loved die slowly," he sighed, looking up at the sky, so the light reflected the green in his eyes again. "Gramps was the one who decided to stop all the chemotherapy treatments, because he knew that he was due in a few weeks. The cancer from his lungs had already spread throughout his body… I am, in truth, scared to think about how such little things could decide how much time a person has left on this planet."
And then I saw something in his emerald green eyes which he never peeled off the sky. It was sort of like an all-knowing, wise, but a paradoxically desperate and pleading look. Like he was offering a silent prayer to whoever was governing the above.
But hey. Maybe it's just my imagination. Maybe his face is really just worthy of appearing in magazines or soap operas where actors often need to emote.
"It makes me think," he continued, "that everybody should live like the present day's their last day on earth. You know, live life to the fullest."
Such insightful words… further explained by another set of insightful words coming from Avery Hanabishi's mouth sheltered by full, pink lips on his beautiful, pale face. And such adjectives are not just of my opinion, but are of the truth.
Oh, okay, maybe I have just a little crush on him.
"What do you mean, Avery? Because in apocalypse movies, what happens is that everyone robs every store they could crash into, an exponential number of people lose their virginity, the place turns into Sin City…"
"No, I mean," he stopped and then gazed at me, catching me off guard with his eyes' verdant-ness, "you should love like there's no tomorrow. Show your loved ones how you're thankful for them, how you care for them, how you love them… People who live long are actually very lucky, because they have all the time in the world to do all of those things. And the ones who are supposed to live long but don't want to, the ones who commit suicide… not to judge them, really, but… they're the worst."
I swallowed a blob of guilt down my throat. I shifted uncomfortably on my grassy spot, and my hand landed on his. Blushing, I quickly withdrew it. "Sorry," I croaked.
Then he blushed too. I don't just think, because I saw. He was right beside me. Avery blushed.
"A-Akane," his voice went out croaky as well when I turned my head and faced him, anticipating what he was about to say. Because, you know, I was already deep into his philosophy about life and death that I wanted to hear more about it. "I just want you to know…" He stopped, because his voice croaked again. And I am telling you, I have never heard Avery croak before. Not once. He was never nervous. Until that moment, which was when he leaned closely towards me that I could actually feel his body warmth.
I waited, wide-eyed in eagerness. He cleared his throat. Then his voice came out clearer, and thus, more than the casual Avery-sweet, deep, and wonderful. "I just want you to know that I am thankful that you came into my life, that I care about you, and that… well…"
Well WHAT, Avery? I was thinking frantically that time. Well WHAT? I mean, okay, if I patterned it out with what he said earlier, he would have said that he… he… damn. That's just me. I don't want to be wrongly assuming and all that crap (even though the truth might as well have been dancing naked in front of me). But maybe he was going to ask me to the dance, who knows?
So what he wanted to say after "well", I never got to discover.
Because Ukyou entered the scene, shouting my name and dragging behind her a dazed Ranma whose eyes were locked upon Avery and me. Who – yes, and why the heck was I acting like dry ice, because I just realized now that if I budged from that interpretable position, things would have been better between Ranma and me – were still physically close to one another, since we froze on the spot.
Oh, crud.
"Good afternoon, Akane," she greeted in a sophisticated tone. I bet it has to do with Avery being rich and all, because Ukyou wanted to make a good first impression. Why are people like that? So… pretentious. They could just be themselves. And Avery's not that kind of person to begin with, the kind who judges people according to the way they talk, how they act, what they wear…
Oooh, not bad. Akane, you can be a preacher now! Spread good words, and you will be rewarded by happiness forever. You will finally understand the meaning of life, why Avery's so nice, why Ranma could be such a two-faced idiot and a sweet guy, why Nabiki's so voracious with money, why Father and Uncle Genma are immature most of the time, why Kodachi is so damn persistent and stubborn, why Kuno's like her sister, why death comes to people.
"Er… Hi, Ukyou," I replied. I looked past her shoulder. "Hi, Ranma," I added softly. His eyes locked on mine for a silent moment, and apparently his was giving off a what-was-happening-between-you-two look. His eyebrows might have formed a question mark, minus the demanding component.
He looked totally confused and unpromising (which was so un-Ranma-ish of him, because Ranma is never transparent about his feelings when there's more than one person around), and it totally broke my heart.
If I were the un-meditated Akane, I would have thought, What's he acting like that for? We're not even an item. I mean, outside the fiancé thing which our parents just initiated anyway. And then I would have given Ranma a look that says "Hmph, serves you right, baka." But I am not the un-meditated Akane, thanks to my dad and my mom and Avery. However, even though I didn't do the things the un-meditated Akane would do, Ranma didn't seem less confused and hurt.
Maybe because Avery and I were still our last position when he was about to say the last sentence of his statement. The position where he was so, so close, that he looked like he was about to kiss me.
Even before Ukyou had said, "You too seem to be enjoying you time," with a wide grin, I was already standing and tidying myself up. Avery stood up after me, and in doing so he heaved a sigh. Not an ordinary sigh, but a one that indicated something like, Geez, Avery, you missed your chance. AND NO, IT'S NOT LIKE I AM TOTALLY ASSUMING THAT HE REALLY LIKES ME! It's just that it sounded so much like it. I, after all, have been reading Dr. Phil lately, and have learned so much from him about decoding sighs and body language.
And the leaning over thing that Avery did? I know what it meant, on a hypothetical basis. I am, uh, scared.
"Oh, you know," I began with the most stable voice I could possibly produce. "We were just talking about our parents and grandparents."
"With your bodies so close to each other? I see…" And she had that wide grin on her face again.
I shook my head. I had to explain this to Ranma. See, I know that I'm not his girlfriend or anything, but I feel that I really needed to explain this because I hated that look on him. He's broken my heart wearing a cynical look, and he's broken my heart wearing the opposite of it. Oh, Ranma.
So, wanting to change the topic, I introduced Avery to Ukyou.
"Your okonomiyaki are delicious," Avery remarked.
"But you still haven't tasted them," Ukyou noted.
"You could always tell if something's delicious by the smell of it."
Ukyou smiled proudly. "Why, thank you, dah-ling."
Her voice was dripping like honey fresh out from a beehive, so sugary-sweet and sticky…
It made the hairs on my neck stand on end.
"Ehem," came Nabiki's voice from behind Ranma and Ukyou. "Your chatting looks like fun." She looked at me meaningfully, with a hint of a smirk forming at the corner of her lips. "I see you've got a new friend, Akane."
How could I have forgotten? At the evening of Avery's first day of school, Nabiki mentioned something about wanting to "meet that rich new chap from Britain" who was, obviously, Avery. And heck, that memory never bothered me – until now. Because I am so, so, so angry with my money face of a sister! I mean, what the heck is she thinking, befriending a person just because of his money? It's unethical. Just plain wrong!
I introduced Avery to Nabiki and ended up being so crabby for the rest of the afternoon. Not just because of Nabiki, but because Ukyou kept sticking to Ranma like Velcro. I mean, I can understand why Ranma'd want to hang out with her – she makes really good okonomiyaki and pancakes, but that's when he's inside Ucchan's! And I know why Ranma would not want to hang out with me when dinnertime approaches, because I can't even make nice rice cakes, much more pancakyakis or whatever.
But Ranma likes me, not Ukyou.
Right?
Nabiki invited Avery to meet the family, and Ukyou tagged along. She managed to forget about dragging Ranma with her, though, probably because of being trapped inside Avery's eyes – oh, why the heck can't I stop talking about them? – and luckily, Ranma stayed behind. Maybe he was waiting for me to explain, just as I had expected. It was the perfect opportunity to do that, and maybe something else, with regards to what happened yesterday night…
"Hey," I started.
"Hey," he replied rather… uhm, normally.
Okay, emotionlessly. Or coldly, if I really dissected his voice into wavelengths and all that.
And you know, I was all, maybe he really, really likes me. Because the way he's acting, I think that that he's jealous about what Avery and I were supposedly about to do. A wide, blazing smile swelled from inside of me, but it never quite got out because I suppressed it. Insert giggle here.
"So, uhm, Avery and I were talking about–"
"Yeah, we all know," he interrupted. And I could really notice the change of his tone since… since Friday when he said "So… you okay now?" as he carried me home like a princess. It sort of made me feel… hurt, because I'd rather have him shooting names at me than giving me the cold shoulder.
And, of course, like the bigmouth that I am, I went all, "Baka." I know he didn't do anything that time, and that word came out of nowhere, but I did it to, you know, pick a fight. Because I knew that he'd snap back at me with some more terrible name. Which was comforting compared to the way he was so quiet and weird.
But as quickly as it went, I stammered an apology. "I-I'm sorry."
Silence. And I was like, Come on, jerk, speak up! But when he didn't… Oi.
"Nothing happened, okay? He was just… reaching out for a piece of grass beside me. And really, all we ever talked about was death."
His brows furrowed, but only momentarily. Then he shrugged, like it wasn't such a big matter. Which it was! I mean, if he really did love me and all… or if that's too much, maybe like-like would do…
"I'll go help Ukyou fix her cooking things." And then he left. Just like that.
Ranma Saotome had just preferred Ukyou and her pancakes over me, Akane Tendo.
I so totally blew it.
Sunday, 8 pm
Sayuri just called. Sleepover at her place tomorrow night with Yuka. I just hope that being with my friends tomorrow the whole night would make me sleep, because I am so sure I won't be able to sleep tonight. My stomach is aching so bad, like there are worms trying to eat their way out of there.
But I need to do my homework: make a haiku for Japanese, and make 10 examples of past perfect, present perfect, and future perfect tenses for English. I also need to study the quadratic equation, review about Castro, Marcos, history of some elements, and cramps.
Haiku:
WINTER
Earth loses color
Life retreats from cold malice
All of hope is lost.
English (incomplete):
Past perfect tense
1. He had already given her the engagement ring before she broke his heart.
2. The mother bird hid sadly in her nest after the father bird had left the family.
3. She decided not to go to the school dance because nobody had asked her out.
Present perfect tense
1. The chef has flirted with the martial artist for almost a year, even though they really don't look good together.
2. He has gotten hold of her heart and plans not to return it by not communicating with her ever again.
3. The prince has done an implausible thing to someone not meant to be his princess.
4. She has decided that she could be his princess…
But her other self won't stop screaming NO! in her head.
Future perfect tense
1. The child will have kicked her playmate's (uhm, the perfect word would give me a low mark on this) bottom before the latter steals the former's pigtailed doll.
2. She will have apologized and explained everything that happened to her pigtailed doll before midnight.
Monday, December 6, Math
Like the falling of rain in the middle of summer, the dry bareness moistens; like sketching a graph in the middle of a graphing paper, the bare and bold horizontal and vertical lines are made intricate. Your smile is so bright and the dark becomes light. Give me one, and don't erase it from your lips so quickly! Because we can overcome any asymptote that stands in our way. And when you say this to me from afar, even with the greatest slope of y2-y1 over x2-x1 you could think of, even when you think it out loud or quietly, don't assume I can find them. Your words are just dancing in space, on a bare graphing paper without sketches. The further you go, the more it hurts the person who loves you. Me. And the more I chase them, the more my heart feels the cruel distance, like the greatest square root of y2-y1 squared plus x2-x1 squared.
I think I've found out the reason for this, but it got lost in my mind because I kept thinking of you. I cannot seem to remember the reason of this effect, the independent variable that affects the dependent variable, the x-intercept that affects everything, with x equal to -(b) plus/minus the square root of b squared minus 4(a)(c), all over 2(a).
I can't stand the fact that we are one over zero right now, which is undefined. It's like, I'm the one and you're the zero... because you're not there. I am afraid that the time would come when we are zero over one, where I am already gone because of waiting in vain and being brokenhearted and you came back as the denominator one, because zero over one would equal to zero. Which is, you know. Done. Finito. Better undefined than zero, right?
Monday, Lunch
"Your diary?" Avery asks, since I just opened my furry pink notebook.
I nod. And, going back to playing with his lunch, he leaves me alone to write and doesn't even try to steal a glance at what I'm writing.
Which is this:
Ranma never spoke a single word to me this morning when we walked to school. And I never spoke a word to him, either. I still cannot decide whether it was his fault or mine. His for being jealous over such a small thing, because Avery never said anything. Mine for… oh, I don't know! For not making my mind up? For being so numb and insensitive? For wanting to die again even after hearing what Avery said about it?
What's worse is that the moment Ranma and I entered the gates of the school, he went straight to Ukyou.
Leaving me alone and semi-unaided against Kuno and his cronies.
Isn't that just sad and depressing and heart breaking?
And since Ranma didn't seem to give a damn about me the whole morning, Gosunkugi was all, "Akane-san, are you b-busy tonight?"
"No. Er… I don't really know… maybe there's something in my schedule that I overlooked–"
"See, I'm planning to cook something special tonight, and it would be a sh-shame if there's no one to share it with…" (whispers something about a potion, thinks I cannot hear what he's muttering) And before I could even answer, all the guys came flocking to me, like I was the last green leaf on the field and all the locusts were all fighting for it. Not for the first time this month, I was inside a mob. Because there was nobody to fend those guys off away from me. I mean, I could have just done the fending by myself easily, but it felt really better if a knight in shining armor came and defended me.
Unfortunately, there was no night in shining armor. Ranma could have been my knight, because if he were there, the mobbing wouldn't even have happened since all the guys knew that Ranma wasn't someone to mess with. And ironically, it was when the matter was related/directed to me. Now, he doesn't seem to care.
And oh, haha. Luck quite had me there. If I were the evil, ironic, scheming Akane, I'd be rolling all over the room because of laughing so hard. I wouldn't even be able to breathe.
Because you know what? Of all the guys who approached me and asked me out for dinner, nobody asked me out to the dance. Nobody (sure, there was that guy from the chess varsity. And he wasn't really that bad because he wasn't ugly and he was smart and nice, that I had thought of saying yes to him right then and there. Until I found out a few milliseconds later that he had HALITOSIS).
BUT I AM NOT THE EVIL, IRONIC, SCHEMING AKANE! THAT'S WHY I AM ROLLING IN MISERY INSTEAD OF LAUGHTER! I mean, it's the whole martial arts thing. I just know it. Because of that and my tough ways, guys think that I am just an attractive tomboy. Or, you know, some decent guys may think that it's not hot at all, because they see me as an unattractive muscle woman. Maybe some are just, you know, intimidated, that's why they're afraid to ask me out to the dance. For once in my life, I am regretting that I took up martial arts and put on a tough façade. Who's been playing the part of Romeo in Romeo and Juliet since she was a kid? Me.
And so I am here, sitting in front of Avery who's picking on his green peas, in the school cafeteria. We seem to have gotten used to all the stares. In fact, we're both thinking that the public has gotten used to us being together all the time, that the stares have decreased. But then, there are still the weird others who are obsessed with the two of us being together – heck, that's like, CREEPY! – and keep taking pictures of Avery and I together to put into the school paper and make it a headline that we are really an item, which is so not true as I have clarified to everybody last week. Why is everybody so stubbornly persistent?
"Are you okay?" Avery asks. "You look kind of pale."
"I'm fine," I answer, not taking my eyes off this diary. I don't want to stare into his verdant eyes and drown in a sea of comforting greenness again. Tempting, but no.
He inhales deeply, and then exhales loudly. "Look, I told myself last night not to discuss any more of yesterday with you, but I can't help it. I know why you're so down today – it's Ranma. He hasn't spoken a word to you since… well, since I saw you arriving here together. Not even when you passed by each other in the corridor during recess. And I know it's my fault. If I hadn't–"
"Look, it's fine," I say. "It's not your fault."
Silence. Which is good, because I need to catch up with the dialogue in order to write them here, since it is happening right now. If I could, I'll make use of a recorder and play it back at home for me to write the exchange of words between me and him, but you know. I don't really have a recorder.
"I'm sorry," he pipes out. "I just can't help but… never mind." He picks on his peas again.
This is so not turning out right. And the fact that Ranma and Ukyou are eating together on the table near mine and Avery's isn't helping.
"How do you make pancakes?" I ask. This seems to catch Avery off guard. He looks at me blankly, and then blinks.
"Oh! Pancakes…" he scrunches his face up, thinking hard, like pancakes are as hard as computing for the total nuclear energy given off by uranium undergoing nuclear bombardment. Which, may I say, makes him look like… a cute kid. "Eggs, flour… I don't really know. Niles knows how to make them, I can just call his mobile phone, if you want."
"No, that's not necessary," I mutter. "How about okonomiyaki?"
Avery's apologizing look tells me the answer.
Now, I am eyeing Ranma and Ukyou. I know that Ukyou knows I'm looking, but she doesn't catch my eye. She's feeding Ranma those flat okonocakes of hers, or whatever. And Ranma's swallowing them like an eating machine; he's clearly enjoying his time eating delicious free food. And it pains me so much, because I know that if I feed him with my cooking, he definitely wouldn't be enjoying it.
Is that it? Is that why Ranma doesn't want me to go to the dance with him? Because he prefers somebody who can cook over me, a destructive amateur?
But wasn't Ranma the one who said, "I'm always here for you" and "The world could really use nice kawaii people like you"? Well, he'd been lying if he isn't there for me in the dance! That's so… hurtful. Maybe I am doomed to a life of being an old maid after I am unmarried by age of 30 or something. Because I am tomboyish and I cannot make okonomiyaki or pancakes.
Monday, Science
There's just nothing to be said. Now it's Avery who's not talking to me. Not because he's mad at me or anything, I'm so sure, but maybe because of the conversation we had a while ago… and/or the one we had yesterday. I am sick of all this drama, you know? To think that I have been through many things for sixteen years that it's enough for me to earn a best actress award is just so sad. It's always the darker side of things for me.
We just had a test in science and all the things that Avery and I studied at his place were there in the questions. I am pretty sure I aced it. Thanks to Mr. Hanabishi, my other science teacher.
Well, that's looking at the bright side, at least.
But I'm going to pop pretty soon if this isn't going to stop.
Monday, Physical Education
Still no conversation with Ranma, not even a "Hi." Being awkward with Avery. Still no date for dance.
Gotta go, the volleyball game's starting and I'm first to serve!
Still Monday, Sayuri's house
After school, Sayuri, Yuka and I went to the mall. You know, just to chill. And I was really thankful that we did, because shopping made me get my mind off some horrible things. Maybe Sayuri and Yuka sensed that I wasn't myself today and decided to cheer me up… so they treated me to ice cream. Nothing much on the stomach, because Sayuri said that she'll be serving a giant pizza and Bailey's for dinner.
The bad side of it was that they were shopping for dresses. You know, the ones they'll wear to the dance. I mean, it's not a problem for them, really, because they have dates – Sayuri's going with Hiroshi, and Yuka with Daisuke. But for me… Oi.
We headed inside Loalde and found that these pretty little dresses were out because the designers knew that it was Winter Dance season. Unfortunate for me, but lucky for all the other girls who have dates, because the dresses were REALLY cute. Sayuri and Yuka went through the store like a storm, searching and trying on every possible dress. I, however, was just seated on the leather couch beside the boring slacks. There was just no point in choosing a dress that I am not going to wear.
My friends noticed this and sat on either side of me on the couch. Yuka was all, "Hey, girl. Do you have your dress at home for the dance already?"
"No."
"Then what are you doing sitting here on this boring couch when you've got dresses to fit?" Sayuri asked. "Come on, let's get going."
"No, it's okay," I insisted, smiling. "I'm not going."
Their jaws dropped. "What do you mean you're not going?" they raised in chorus.
"You're AKANE TENDO and you're not going? That's… that's madness…"
"Yeah, Akane, it's the dance of the year!"
I chuckled. "I know. But…" I paused, making them huddle closer to me. I whispered, "No guy's asked me to go with him yet."
"Well, whoever he is, maybe he's just waiting for the right time," Sayuri tried to explain as-a-matter-of-factly. "Avery seems like a great contender for it. Or Ranma. Or Kuno. Okay, leave him. But you know guys, they're the most uncanny creatures. Even more than dung beetles."
"I… I dunno. I just don't want to go anymore," I explained.
"Look, Akane," Yuka stated. "Just because you don't have a partner doesn't mean you can't go. You can't just base your decision on whether a member of the male species asks you out to the dance or not. Kami-sama never said that women cannot function without men."
What did they want me to do, then? Go alone? I mean, it's clear that nobody's going to ask me out to the dance in a span of a few days before said dance. Avery's been with me the whole week last week, and he hasn't even asked me! Ranma supposedly has feelings for me, but I haven't heard a word from him about the dance when we were still talking to each other – how much more now, when he doesn't even want to talk to me because he wants Ukyou more? I know I'm whining, but this really is something to whine about (weep, sniff, weep, sniff)!
I sighed after what Yuka said. You know, like there was no hope left in me. Which really was what I felt.
Finally, Sayuri convinced me to stand up and browse through the dresses. She postulated that guys would be flocking to ask me to the dance soon, and "if not, the chances of which are a million to one, you can go with us. Sayuri and I are going to be your partners."
Yeah, along with Hiroshi and Daisuke. I'm like, the fifth wheel. And if the chances are a million to one, then hey. My luck's running out – maybe I'll strike the one in that million.
But I love Sayuri and Yuka like my sisters, so I just got up and perused through the leather, cashmere, velveteen, fur, silk, and etcetera dresses. Some of them were really, really beautiful – if I were going to the dance, then I'd have bought them on impulse. There was this pink and black dress made of silk embroidered with shiny lilies and white roses. There was a mocha fur dress which really reminded me of the one Avery lent me, the one sitting on my bed back at home.
But there was that long, white gown… it looked like it was made out of fairy dust because it glimmered so much. There were black rhinestones embedded at the front from the chest and made its way down diagonally to the right hip. There were white spaces that formed some kind of intricate design inside the sea of rhinestones. It looked… beautiful. I couldn't help whispering, "You would be perfect, but I'm sorry. I'm not buying you. Farewell."
"First, it was the sudden screaming-into-the-night thing, and now you're talking to fibers that have been woven into cloths made into dresses designed for formal occasions?"
Hey, that voice sounds so familiar, I thought. It's the voice that kept popping out in my head when I first wrote on my diary. It's the voice that always said, "Crap. Kill yourself and get it over with" when I was still on my semi-suicidal stage. It's the voice that creeps me out all the time whenever I think of it telling me to kill myself, because it belongs to…
"Nabiki, what are you doing here?" I asked, turning around to face the voice that talked behind me.
"Shopping. Finding a suitable dress for me." Then her eyes narrowed. "Now, what are you doing here? I thought you weren't coming to the dance."
"How'd you know?"
"I have my sources."
"I haven't told anyone except Sayuri and Yuka. A few seconds ago."
"I heard you while you were sleeping. You were grunting, 'Don't… have… date… sorry…'"
I meant to ask her if it was really true, because, you know, I don't really sleep talk. It scares me. Who knows what else I might have said? And who knows who else other than Nabiki had been listening before I could stop myself and zip my mouth? I still had hope before I asked my sister, because she might have been joking. Just to make me feel a little more depressed. But I know my sister. When her expression is flat and so "I don't really care if you don't believe me, but I say what I wanna say, and what I say is always true", that would mean for me that all hope is lost.
"Was anybody else awake when you heard me?" I asked, trying to be calm and all this-is-a-professional-talk-thing-here, because it was Nabiki I was talking to, after all. She's like a monster that can smell fear. You've got to be tough to emerge victorious. Or at least pretend to be.
"Kasumi was like sleeping beauty, Dad was in deep sleep, Uncle Genma was snoring like a crocodile, and Happy was hunting for his sweets. He's into g-strings now."
"And Ranma?" I swear, she purposely left him out.
"In the dojo, practicing some new technique."
Phew. At least it was just Nabiki who heard me.
What am I saying, Nabiki knowing it is just like the whole world knowing it! She's like the internet – informing people about everything and anything (but a very expensive internet connection at that).
"So you like that, huh?" she asked, checking out the glittery white dress. "Not bad, sis."
"Yeah, I know…" I sighed. "W-wait, so what are you doing here talking to me when you have a tight schedule with your credit card and the boutiques around town?"
"Well, Loalde IS a boutique, isn't it?"
I exhaled exasperatedly. I really didn't know where it led. And then she led me to the leather couch, where she gave me a tense embrace that turned into a… a bear hug. Why the bear hug? Here's why:
"Look, I know you know how embarrassing this is for me, embracing someone in public. And I'm not going to be all 'But right now, it isn't embarrassing, because you're my sister'. It is embarrassing, because I am not someone who gives out hugs like Santa Claus gives out gifts to toothless kids who think that he's the Tooth Fairy. It's just that you've been weird for the past few days. And although you have been weird all your life – but that's in my point of view – you've turned suicidal-weird. And that's just… weird."
"Easy for you to say," I snorted. "You've been strong all your life. You get what you want, and you always have things go your way. I, however, am unfortunately not like that. I sway like a reed in the wind, or whatever."
"You've been strong all your life, dorkus. And I can't believe you're not going to this whole dance thing just because you don't have a date. It's not like there's a rule stating that you cannot go to the dance if you don't have partner. And in the first place, whoever told you that you're not coming without a date? Avery will ask you soon. Or Ranma. You know how he loves you."
I snorted. "Loves me? I admit that I know he likes me, but love is a very strong word. Besides, he's going with Ukyou. I just know it. And Avery… well, things are vague."
"Ranma's not going with Ukyou. And Avery isn't mad at you, if that's what you think. He's worried about you, how you feel about him being too open yesterday. He really cares about you so much because he says that you're one of the most important people to him right now. Again, Ranma's not going with Ukyou, because he doesn't love her. He loves you."
"How do you know Ranma's not going with Ukyou? And how do you know that Avery feels that way?" I know that with Nabiki's wide connections and knowledge about things, information about these matters is not hard to get. But the question was how she got the info. If I weren't her sister, I'd be really creeped out. More than the usual.
"About Ranma… I just know. There are things that I just plain know, no questions asked. And regarding Avery… I talked to him at dismissal time." Before I could even start saying that she only befriended him for his money, she went on the stop me. "Look, cut it. I didn't ask him for money before giving him help. As I see it, he just needs somebody to talk to about you. I'm not saying he's obsessed with you or anything, but his care for you is much too great to even measure with an emotional ruler."
That made me feel so much better. It made me feel… loved. You know, other than family-loved. But a few seconds later, it made me wonder what in the world was wrong with me. "Then why haven't they asked me to the dance?" I whined. "I'm not abnormal, am I?"
She laughed. "Don't ask me that, because I've known you since you were a baby. But in other people's eyes, I am sure you're not."
My lower lip trembled.
"Look, Ranma and Avery are just finding the right time to ask you. Maybe either one thinks that the other's asked you already. It's just some technical problem. After that's fixed and everybody's got the right information, you and your date are going to go glam in the winter dance in no time."
Then, I thought that she was right. I was going to the winter dance, after all!
But a voice popped into my head. At that time, it didn't sound like Nabiki's because that would be like she was trying to mind control me. Maybe it was because of all the stress and being fed up with all of it, that the suppressed Akane awakened inside of me. As I write about it now, my hatred for that voice increases. It came out of nowhere! Is this a sign that I am becoming crazy? Because I said to Nabiki what the voice said inside my mind:
"Why do you people want me to go this badly to the dance? Is there something nobody wants to tell me, like you're all going to pour tomato sauce all over me when I get there or something?"
"You're being irrational."
"Am not. So what if I don't want to go to the dance? Don't force me to go. I make my own decisions."
"Even if it means missing the event of the year?"
"Y-yes."
And then she stood up. "I just wasted that hug and all that saliva for nothing. Bye for now, sis. See you tomorrow." She wasn't even disappointed or anything. Her expression still showed that she was the Ice Queen and that she was not abdicating her throne. Great. First, Ranma. Then Avery. And now, Nabiki's not talking to me, I am so sure.
So now I am here in Sayuri's bedroom, and Yuka's checking out our horoscopes in the internet. Sayuri is downstairs microwaving some popcorn for the three of us. Pop, pop, pop goes the popcorn. Pop, pop, pop goes my head – brains, voices and all.
Author's Notes: The journal entry that Akane did during Math is actually a translation of a few lines of the song "1/3 of My True Feelings" from Rurouni Kenshin. Plus, you know, the mathematical formulas and stuff. This one's my longest chapter yet for TDoAT, because I wanted to make it up to you guys for not updating for so long. The next one you won't have to wait long for.
April: Blue eyes? I thought they looked more brownish black than blue in the anime… because I based my fic from there. Maybe you're referring to the manga…? Whichever, it's the same Ranma. I'm glad you find it interesting. (",)
ChidoriKaname: Uhm, I don't really know, there's so much editing to do. But surely, it would be finished on or right after the Christmas break.
draconis-rose: More coming up.
H+H-romance-addict: I know. That's why they call it Fanfiction. You know, fiction made by fans? And by definition of fiction, I think everybody gets the point, even before I start explaining what fan means. Still, thanks for reviewing.
Ikerana: Thanks so much. I try to put in a lot of those moments… just to give it that sweet, the-world-isn't-such-a-bad-place-at-all vibe. (",)
Jace3: Another Ranma-Akane fanatic? Poor Avery, the villagers are rounding up on him…
-Oleander-Tea-: Thank you! And no, you're not a bad person; just because you like someone who comes in between Ranma and Akane's love doesn't make you one. And hot? I made Avery that way. You know, to match Ranma's… hotness, or make him jealous or whatever.
hashiba42: Thanks. You will.
Ralph S.: I know, Ranma's always in for competition in whatever aspect's available. I hope this chapter answered your opinion… I don't think Avery and Akane should be just friends. I like making things complicated. It builds up the tension. Thanks for reviewing! That's 1800 shy readers minus one. (",)
Story Weaver1: Thanks! The Caveman element of the entry sort of just popped into my head. Glad you think it's funny. (",)
The-Shadow002: Fabulously, eh? Thank you! I've always pictured Akane to be unsure of her emotions all the time. Once or twice she may make up her mind when rage clouds her thoughts, but when she thinks about it, she ironically goes ballistic inside and gets confused. Ranma on the other hand could be sure about most of his feelings, but his lack of the ability to explain them articulately is a grave handicap.
Lain: I am afraid to say things aren't as easy as that… because if they were, they would have invented vocal computers, where the computers would just listen to you talk, and then they'd type in what you say and you don't have to use your fingers that are very vulnerable to spasms. But keep on reading the next chapters! You'll have your answer.
kenshinlover2002: Thank you. And if you've read this chapter, you'll infer that Avery does like her.
Neverwinter: Whoah, take it easy! I will update, don't worry! (",) I'm glad that you love it so much.
Mystick Spiral: Thanks! Maybe he will, maybe he won't… who knows?