Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine…

Midnight Musings ( Hana's POV )

Have you ever felt the pain of knowing that the one person you truly like doesn't like you at all? The pain caused by however you try to be yourself, the person who mattered most to you wouldn't appreciate it, and would even scoffed? The pain of finding out that whatever you do to be the best and perfect like you know how to for that person, your bad reputation will always get in the way?

And have you ever felt the pain that is gnawing at your heart, threatening to kill you from too much hurt?

Well, I do...

And damn it, my heart felt like it shattered into million pieces along with my soul.

And it was all because my once perfect life is now just a crumpled heap of dirt.

Because the person I thought that makes my life worthwhile looked down on me. I know that she did, coz I heard her…

And it makes me wish that I've been born deaf so that I would be spared from this torture.

It was this morning when I heard her and her friends talking in the school corridor. Maybe they thought that no one would hear them because it's still 20 minutes before class starts and the First year corridor is empty except for them. And to think that the reason I was early was because I was planning to confess my love to her on that morning because I figured that if she's going to reject me, might as well when there are only a few people. I know I'm going to be rejected; I'm not that stupid, I know I will be hurt. But damn, I never thought that it would hurt like hell!

I was going to announce my usual loud greeting but I heard them talking bout me. I quickly shut my mouth and hid grinning, my ears all perked up. They are talking about me! Days couldn't just start better than this. Maybe I have a chance after all.

But… That's only my stupid wishful thinking…

Because after a few seconds of eavesdropping, tears slowly form in my eyes and I ran away from them, ran away from that damned conversation. I think they saw me, but I don't care, all I care about is the hurt that I was feeling at that moment.

I ran straight home blinking the tears that's forming in my eyes, thinking that maybe if I'm far away from school I could forget that conversation that is still ringing in my ears.

But I can't.

The conversation is still stuck in my mind...

And it's playing over and over again…

Her friend asked her if she likes me, because I like her. She lets out a sound of surprise but she answered a straight no, and my heart felt like it shattered into a million tiny pieces when I heard that.

Her friend asked her why? She didn't answer immediately, but when she finally answered that's when I began to cry,

"It's because…he's... he's very different from Rukawa-kun. I like someone who is silent, mysterious and very good-looking, while he… I mean his my friend but oneechan always says that he's very loud; teachers always scold him, his… His grades aren't that good, and he got a bad reputation, I think… I think he's not a boyfriend material that's all…"

I gathered all my courage and look at her, even though my vision were blurred because of the tears. And I won't ever forget the way she looked when she said that, her face is red due to embarrassment but her eyes, her eyes are showing determination and honesty of what she said. I only saw her like that once when she told me that she likes the Kitsune.

And it hurts; it still hurt until now, in fact.

I stayed home all day, cooped up on my room. Trying to think of anything that would help me forget this aching pain in my heart. But sadly, there was none.

My teammates arrive this afternoon after practice with HER. Asking me why I didn't attend school. That is not a big deal though, but the fact that I also did not attend practice, which I never failed to attend, made them curious. Yes, curious, not concerned, I think, well maybe a little because if I got sick maybe I won't be able to play in the tournament.

But they don't really care. Why would they anyway? I'm just a loud, obnoxious boy am I not? No one will really miss me if I'm gone. I bet they would even be relieved.

All right, I'm wallowing in self-pity right now but I couldn't be blamed.

The love of my life had just rejected me, with booting reasons, though not openly.

But what surprised me most is her nerve to actually go and visit me here. After all she said to her friends about me she'd appear all concerned and nice to me?

Oh yeah, I remember. The reason why she'd come is cause after visiting me they'll go visit the Kitsune too. They said he's acting strange, stranger than usual I mean, I wonder why? Well it's not really my problem, really.

So here I am now sitting in my balcony with my tear-streaked face. Cursing my stupidity of not seeing this coming. I should have known that this would happen sooner or later.

I sighed again for the nth time that day, why is life should be this painful? All I want with my life is just to be me, to be with someone I love… why must I be hurt like this?

I look at the stars in the sky; they're so beautiful, so peaceful.

Their brightness illuminates this dark sorrowful evening. Like a blanket to the cold pain of being alone.

I close my eyes and whispered, all I wish is that I'll find someone who will love me for what I really am, someone who will take care of me, someone who will help me forget this pain, and that I wish that person will never let me go, ever.

I open my eyes and to my amazement, one of the stars above me twinkled. Seeing that I turned around and walk to my bed.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a new day for me. And tomorrow I will find that person who is really for me… after all I'm the Tensai, I can do that.

With that thought I smiled and finally went to dreamland…

-- Owari --

When you're down, look at the sky at night,

Close your eyes and whisper to the stars shining bright,

I wish I have someone here at my side,

The one who will make my crushed world right…

Originally written on August, 2006

Edited October 5, 2006