Chapter Eight

Jason closed his eyes at Sam's harsh words. He hadn't come here

wanting to hurt her. All he wanted was to ensure she was safe.

He stood to leave, " Call Alexis."

Sam rushed in front of him. She pushed on his chest. "Don't just walk out. Talk to me. Please, come on. We love each other. Don't do this to me."

Jason looked into her eyes and couldn't coldly push past her. He didn't want to leave her miserable. He wished the very best for her.

Gently he removed her hands from his chest. He said, "I can't be with you now. Sam, I did love you. I still care about you. But don't ever pull anything like this again. Next time I will not come looking for you.'

Sam said, "Don't start lying to me now."

He gave her a look.

"You would look for me the next time, Jason. You know you would because you wouldn't ever forgive yourself if something was really wrong with me. We love each other. We should be together. If you stay here we can be free of the only thing that stood in our way- your job."

Sam thought to herself, I can't let Jason leave here, leave me. He is only trying to protect me by staying away. I have to change his mind.

She ran her hand up the sleeve of his leather jacket. "It's too hot here for this." she purred "Take it off and let's sit down and talk like two people who respect each other. We owe what we had that much, don't you think?"

Jason nodded once. Then took off his jacket and hung it on a chair. Sam sat on the sofa and patted the cushion next to her. Jason didn't move, instead he said "I'm sorry-"

Sam raised a finger to her lips "Shh, no sorrys tonight. Let's just figure this out. I know we can do that if we are honest with each other. We had it all, Jason, and we can again."

We have to, Sam thought

She saw sadness on Jason's face. If only he would come closer, let her hold him, remind him why they work together.

His head shook back and forth. "Things have changed for me since we broke up." he said

"I know Michael was kidnapped again." Sam said "Alexis called when her and the girls had to go into hiding. But he's back now, right? You brought him home. You always keep us all safe, Jason."

"He is home now but his life will never be out of danger until Sonny and I are out of the business."

Sam's face lit up. "You're getting out? Wow! We can have our dream now. You, me and a baby right here in paradise."

For a moment Sam felt light as air.

"I can't." he said softly

"Why?" she moaned the word, pain filling up every syllable.

You and me
We used to be together
Every day together, always


I really feel
that

I'm losing my best friend


I can't believe
This could be the end...

Don't speak by No Doubt

Jason struggled to put his thoughts into words. The whole time he was with Sam he never imagined they might end up here. He didn't plan the future, usually, he just tried to do things that would make the people around him happy and figured that would lead to a happy life for all of them. With Sam it had worked until he was no longer able to do the things she needed- have a child together, marry her, put her before his job, Carly, the boys. He should have been able to do that but his heart couldn't detach from Carly enough to stay out of her world. He hadn't when he was married to Courtney either. He had wanted to, at times, but could never manage it. Now he didn't want to have any part of his life be without Carly. Long nights riding through the desert months ago had made up his mind. Jason admitted then to himself that if he lost everything else in the world he could still be alright as long as he had Carly. That was what he had to concentrate on now.

Jason sat in the chair, next to the sofa Sam was on.

"Sam, I can't keep going on the way I have for years now. It doesn't work. I try to be alone because my work is too dangerous to share my life with anyone and I am lonely. I try to be with someone and all I do is drag good women into the path of bullets, bombs, men who rip away their children, their security. I won't be a part of that anymore."

"Good, fine, I don't care what your job is. You can be my first mate on The Lila Morgan if you want," She smiled at him. "It would be so peaceful, me, you, the memory of our girl, the water, and no one else around for miles."

Slowly, quietly, but with determination he said, "I made other commitments already."

"To who?" Even as Sam said the words she knew the answer. It was there on Jason's face, his Carly look, and in the memories she had of all the times he ran off to help her. Her mind replayed Ric's words on the phone "Jason's with her all day and night these days... didn't take them long once you left, huh? Or was it going on before that? Who really knows with those two ... inevitable, I guess..."

She said the word, praying she was wrong, "Carly?"

He nodded.

Hurt danced across Sam's features, her eyes closed for a moment, she whispered "No."

Don't tell me cause it hurts


Don't speak
I know what you're thinking


I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

No Doubt lyrics

Anger replaced the pain in Sam and she yelled "Come on, Jason! Let Carly fend for herself for once! What has she ever done to deserve you sacrificing us and our future to the alter of your undying devotion to her! She is not your wife. She does not have your child. She is working you and just because she is good at it don't let her get away with ruining your life."

He stood up. "I should have told you this from the start but it wasn't something I could easily cop to. Carly and I ... Sam, we go way back... both our lives changed when we met...we have never turned our backs on each other and that will last for life... you know all that.. but you don't know that my feelings for her never lessened one bit when she married Sonny. They grew until now and now I can't see myself without her. I can't stay here because she isn't here."

Sam jumped up, angry. "So, what was I ? An experiment to see if you could be happy with someone else? What was Courtney? A distraction? A convenience? What? I don't get this. You never said any of this before. You can't tell me, Jason, that you have loved Carly everyday for over TEN years and just now realized it."

Calmly, he said "I said I couldn't cop to it not that I didn't know. Ya, I didn't call it love. Not the marrying kind anyway. But it was always there. You can't say you didn't know how deep the connection went."

"She was like a sister to you." Sam argued

Jason smiled, "No, not quite."

He titled his head and said, his voice was kind though it still cut Sam deeply, " I came to find out if you were safe. You are. And as for us, this is the way it has to be, Sam. I can't stay and keep going over this with you. I have people to get back to."

He turned and left before she could say another word.

Sam collapsed back onto the couch. She expected the tears to cascade down her face but all she felt was empty. And all she wanted was not to know the truth.

Hush, hush darling

Hush, hush darling

Hush, hush

don't tell me tell me cause it hurts

No Doubt Lyrics