Scene 2
I've found Orlando Bloom in the river...
(Night. Two constables are running to the sound of a bell. Ichabod Crane is ringing the bell and poking at something in the lake with a stick.)
1st Constable: Is that Ichabod Crane? (snickers) Funny name.
Ichabod Crane: Yeah, it's me.
2nd Constable: Well stop ringing that bloody bell then. We can hear you.
Ichabod Crane: Oh. Right. OK then. (stops ringing bell)
1st Constable: What did you want, anyway?
Ichabod Crane: I've found a body in the river. I think. (Pokes a bit more). Yep. It was definitely once a man.
2nd Constable: What does it look like?
Ichabod Crane: A bit like Orlando Bloom. Maybe someone's finally pushed that annoying git in.
(Switch to morgue. A man wheels the body in. Ichabod Crane runs after it. The morgue owner looks at the body.)
Morgue Owner: (looking up from book) Hey, it's Orlando Bloom. Dead.
Ichabod Crane: Yeah, that's why it's here.
Man: Can I burn it?
Morgue Owner: (reading book) Sure, why not.
(Man wheels body away happily.)
Ichabod Crane: Wait, I need to see what killed him.
Morgue Owner: You found him in the river, right?
Ichabod Crane: Yep.
Morgue Owner: Then he drowned.
Ichabod Crane: (scratches head) Figures.
(Two men come in, dragging a criminal behind them)
Morgue Owner: Not another one.
1st Man: He was caught nicking knickers.
2nd Man: Shocking, huh?
Morgue Owner: No, not really. Just a common washing-line trick.
Criminal: They were still on the lady. (laughs. Men laugh too but shut up after a look from the morgue owner).
Morgue Owner: Chuck him in.
(They kick open a trapdoor and throw him in the river)
Ichabod Crane: Hah!
Morgue Owner: (looking up) What? Are you still here?
Ichabod Crane: I know how that man died.
Morgue Owner: (not too sure what Ichabod's talking about) How?
Ichabod Crane: He drowned.
(Morgue Owner looks confused as Ichabod Crane saunters off)