Mario and Luigi: Crazystar Saga
By NessSnorlax
Disclaimer: I do not own Mario, like everyone that writes fanfiction for Mario.
Chapter 3: In the Land of Boring Villages
We start off with the Mario Brothers driving their Porsche. "Does our car change every few sentences?" Mario asked. All of a sudden, for reasons not mentioned in this fic, the mountain they're driving on changes to a talk show.
"It's the Sugary Sugar Show! Starring Sam Us, Yo Shi, and Gannon Dorf!" Announcer announced.
"First, how could this change into a talk show? Wouldn't the teleprompter fall down some big gorge and everyone on the set go crazy and turn the show into some type of fort? Second, all of those names are names of random video game characters with SPACES IN THEIR NAMES. What kind of idiot would make those kinds of crappy names? Well, probably the creators of Digimon." Mario said.
"Uh... well..." Announcer didn't know what to say. However, he did know that whenever there's an unanswerable question, someone should pull the Walker, Texas Ranger lever to show a clip of Walker, Texas Ranger. So, that's what he did, and a clip was shown. After the clip, he said "We'll be right back after this commercial. What the plumber guy said was WRONG." Mario, annoyed, said "Everyone's supposed to forget Luigi's name, not mine!"
The commercial starts. "Look, over there!" Girl 1 shouts. "Is it a Space Invader?" Girl 2 shouts. "Is it a hallucogenic mushroom?" Girl 3 shouts. The Announcer, however, proves them wrong. "No! It's the Easy-Bake Oven, from some company that the author doesn't know the name of."
Girl 1 tells us things we can make with the oven. "Let's make pies, cakes, and Big Macs!" Girl 1 exclaimed.
"You can make pies and cakes, but not Big Macs!" Announcer announced. However, Girl 1, proud that she made a Big Mac, exclaimed "I just made a Big Mac!" Announcer was weirded out.
A large hole appears in the wall as Cackletta rams her flying chair into the wall. "EEYAH HEH HEH HEH HEH!" Cackletta shouts.
"Where's your minion, Fawful?" Girl 2 asked.
"He's writing a book," Cackletta said. "Now, with my magic powers, I will turn those cookies into evil cookies!"
"But what about the Big Macs?" Girl 3 asked. "Uh, with their crappy taste, they're evil enough. They're as evil as me, but not as evil as some dictator." Cackletta announced.
The cookies rose from the oven. Thinking this was a kid show; an evil cookie said "Can you say 'Evil Cookie?'"
The kids in the audience say "EVIL COOKIE!" Some of them say "CHRISTOPHER COLUMBOUS!" and one of them, who is the zombie of former Albanian dictator Enver Hoxha shouts "ENVER HOXHA!" Evil Cookie, baffled that some people don't know how to say "evil cookie," asks the audience "Do you even know how to say my name?"
The kids shout "You can SCOOP it, and then POOP it!" just like that infomercial. Hoxha shouts "Who's Christopher Columbus?" Adil, that guy from Albania, enters the room and kills the Hohxa zombie. Evil Cookie eats the rest of the kids.
"This is so messed up! Can't we continue with the show?" Mario asked.
"It's the Easy Bake Oven from that company... gahh!" Announcer got eaten by a cookie.
The scene changes back to the Mario Bros. driving their Maserati... whatever that is. Luigi is singing some annoying song. "Rigamafoo-tofu-fu! I once had a car named B-O-B-E-T-T-E and its last name was B-O-L-O-G-N-A..." He sung for a few hours. "Well, at least we made it through those caves and talk shows, but it was worth it for our Froot Loops, which teaches children to be stupid and the parents complain because Kellogg's can't spell! Oh, and Speeshul K, Corn Rakes, and Cocoa Poops all taste really bad, too." Mario said.
While singing, the soldiers from the Beanbean Kingdom escort the car back to the cave. "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH PRINCE PEASLEY," Soldier 1 said. "Didn't you mean to put a question mark on the end!" Soldier 2 exclaimed. "That's not the proper punctuation mark?" Soldier 3 asked.
Mario knew they forgot something. "WE FORGOT TO RESCUE BOWSER!"
"Bowser? Why would we rescue him?" Luigi asked. "Didn't he try to declare war on such fictional countries as San Seriffe and the Empire of the Monkey Tofu Peanut? Besides that, all he did was go around and capture princess who could obviously escape, but Nintendo programmed them so they wouldn't."
"We have to do that because Nintendo programmed it that way. We must honour the Nintendo." Mario said. So Mario and Luigi drive whatever car they're driving over to the cannon where Bowser is. Tolstar, the big walking puffing thing, blocks their path. He is talking to Bowser.
"Well, if it isn't Bowser of... uh..." Tolstar looked at a tree. "Treeland, kidnapping princess..." This time, Tolstar looked at a landfill. "Landfillington!" Bowser replied with "That is the lamest thing I ever heard." A random Toad walks buy. "Should I try again?" Tolstar asked the RT. "YES!" The Toad responded. So, Tolstar decided to think of some other villains.
"Well, if it isn't Ganondorf of Hyrule, kidnapping princess Zelda all of the time!"
"YOUR'E ALL IDIOTS!" Bowser exclaims, while setting everything on FIYAH! Err, I mean fire, but whatever. "Waiiit... that means that the cannon's set off, right?" Of course, the cannon blows, and everything gets destroyed in some sort of fire. Bowser lands in a forest far away from here. Bowser Junior enters.
"Didn't my name used to be Baby Bowser before Nintendo changed it?" Bowser Junior asked. Tolstar was amazed at his stupidity. "OH MY GOSH! I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW STUPID YOU ARE! NOW, WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE SPIKEY SHELL GUY NAMED RIDLEY?"
"It's Bowser, and he landed over there in that forest."
"You mean the Chucklechuk Woods?" Tolstar asked. "DUH! There's no other forest in this country!" Bowser exclaimed. Tolstar, however, is confused and is holding out a map of Canada. "Yes there is! Just look at this map. See, there's a forest and there are other forests called Sudbury and Winnipeg and Moose Factory and other Canadian cities that I won't mention here and blah blah blah..."
Meanwhile, in Mario and Luigi's VW Phaeton, the car is parked on a curb and they are watching the Mushroom Kingdom Presidential Election. "Well, currently, the voting results are..." A screen with the candidates appears, showing that Ash Ketchum is in the lead. Mario is angry. "WHAT? HOW COULD THAT IDIOT BE WINNING! His stance on the economy is "I EAT FLYING FLIES THAT GO SOUTHWEST!" and stuff. Tolstar walks up to their car.
"HELLO! HELLO!" Tolstar is saying while banging on the side of the car. He accidentally pushes it down the cliff, but for some reason, the car isn't getting destroyed. Inside the car, they're still watching the presidential election. "And in this race, it all comes down to OHIO, OHIO, OHIO. Oh, wait, it looks like the prefecture of (insert prefecture here) has now gone to the Namco Party. We're live at the headquarters where Pac-Man and the running mate are going to make a victory speech."
Pac-Man is speaking uncomprehensible words. "Where's the translator?" asked running mate Lloyd Irving.
Meanwhile, the car is rolling back up the hill. When it gets up on the hill, they leave and find Tolstar. "THIS ISN'T A GAME, MARIO SISTERS! IT'S REAL LIFE!" And, so, a fight starts. "I'm going to throw this spiky ball thing at you, so YOU BETTER GET HURT!" Tolstar throws the spiky thing, and that makes Mario turn into Kirby. He eats Tolstar and says some resturant slogan. "Da da da da da, I'm lovin' it!"
Luigi is amazed. "HOW DID YOU TURN INTO KIRBY?"
"Well, I'm not just any normal Mario; I'm the Mighty Morphin' Power Mario! DUN DUN DUN!" Luigi makes a face (--). Obviously, Mario decides to make another face (QQ). Luigi makes another face ( E), and Mario makes yet another face (21). Then, he realizes something. "Why are we making random, un-makingable faces?" he asked. But before that question was answered, a large, circular shadow looms over them. "Have you ever seen a cookie take a bite out of YOU?" It was one of the evil cookies from the commercial! Luigi answered the question. "Only in New Mexico, home of the evil mascot cookie for the Albuquerque bocce ball team, the Donuts!"
Of course, Mario turns into Kirby and eats the evil cookie. "Don't start with the Mighty Morphin' Power Mario crap," Luigi reminded him.
With Tolstar defeated and Bowser somewhere in Chucklechuk Woods, Mario and Luigi can finally leave. For some reason, the car they were in didn't change. "Why..." Mario was about to ask before Luigi interrupted him. "Well, if Y x t5 x the circumference of a dishwasher, our car didn't change because a dishwasher ate my cousin, Igiul."
They drive the car back down to the village, only to have is escorted back to the entrance.
"What did YOU do with Prince Peasley? If you want to help, call the 'I Want to Help Find Prince Peasley' hotline at (1)-800-555-555-555-555-3948-32489-0887-BREAD-STICKS!" Some random guy holding a ficus plant walks in. "I can help, I speak phone. BEEP!" Soldier 1 just stares at him, and throws some stairs at him.
Of course, the stairs were filled with angel dust things. The random guy turns into Mithos Yggdrasill. Then, the capitol of Vermont falls on him. Meanwhile, everyone is just staring at it, and throwing stairs at it because it's a pun. Within a few days, Mithos was put back in his video game, and the capitol of Vermont flew back to that state. The story now proceeds as normal.
"We're the Mario Brothers! We jump on Goombas and have to rescue, save, liberate, et cetera Peach from some evil thing or things." Soldier 2 wants them to prove it, so the two brothers jump. "See! We introduced jumping to the masses in 1981 with the release of Donkey Kong!"
The soldiers are confusing Mario with the green guy. "Is that the name of the green guy?" Soldier 2 asked. "No, I'm the world famous Luigi!" the green guy replied.
The two soldiers are confusing his name with British "bafrooms" and birds invented in Canada. Luigi falls on his face.
"Well, it's true; you two are the real Mario brothers. Go ahead." Mario inquired on who the kidnapper was. "Well, it was some weird green dude who talked about mustards and fink-rats. He was also writing a biography on one of his family members."
Meanwhile, in the place known as "Wherever Fawful Is," Fawful is writing a book on one of his family members... his toothbrush.
"Eeyah heh heh heh heh!" Cackletta did her traditional laugh. "What are you doing?"
"Well, of looking at well how doing biography toothbrush mine of. Of every country United Kingdom except selling well in it is!" Fawful said, doing his traditional garbling of the words. "You wrote a biography about your toothbrush? That is the craziest idea I ever heard!" Cackletta replied.
"Of toothbrush missing I am, which and loving getting 1979 since summer." Fawful soon began crying.
Cackletta was grossed out. "EEEW! That's just gross! You're supposed to throw out your toothbrush every few months!"
Back in Hoohoo Village, the Mario Bros. haven't progressed very far because we would be missing out on stuff if we were still on the previous scene. A villager walks by. "Hey, Mario guy, what happened to Prince Peasley?"
"Who is Prince Peasley?" Mario asked. "What's a villager?" Luigi asked.
The villager ignored their questions. "Well, he went up to the top of the mountain on Blablanadon!"
Meanwhile, on the top of that mountain, Peasley is inside an egg, and is currently in the process of mutating to another creature. "Help me! I think I'm turning into a female person, I think!" Peasley exclaimed, trying to break the egg open. However, he is not mutating into a female person. "GWARGH AND STUFFNESS!" he said, beginning the mutating process.
Now, we go back to the village for the nine thousandth time. "Let's get out of this horrible village!" They are about to run away, but one villager makes a big mistake. "EWW! AN UGLYFUL STATUE!" the villager says, pushing it off the cliff. "Now we can't leave!" Mario said.
Luigi thought of a brilliant idea. "Well, we should be able to jump off of that mountain!"
"But we can't! It's because of all of those programmers! And the physics of the game prevent us from doing that!" said Mario. Luigi was furious, so he gets out a book called "Beanbean Kingdom Tour Guide for Dummies" on how to get around it.
"It says here that if we want good-quality radios, we should visit the Hammerhead Brothers."
"Why aren't they called the Radiohead Brothers?" Mario inquired. "Because they would hail thieves," Luigi replied.
So the Mario Bros. travel up the mountain, and after doing so, enters the house of the Hammerhead Brothers. They were arguing on using some type of marble-y thing from that country with the Romes and the colosseums and the Popes and the... you get the point. It's called Italy.
"Hey, why do you guys make radios?" Mario asked.
"Well, all of the rocks in this kingdom are scared of gospel music. When they hear it, they just run away," said Sledge.
We now cut to some church in the Beanbean Kingdom. A choir inside the church is singing gospel music. Some rocks oustide of the church are getting scared.
"MY EARS! THEY BURN!" Rock said.
"Why did we decide to live near a church?" Another Rock asked.
Rock answered that question. "Well, we have to blame Some Rock for that idea."
"Um, instead of arguing, LET'S RUN LIKE HELL OUTTA HERE!" Some Rock said. All of the rocks were fleeing the church.
Back at the Hammerhead Bros. house, Mario was asking if they could make radios for the Mario Brothers. "Well, we'll need a Hoohoo Block, but then we can make it." Mallet said.
They leave the house, only to find that the bridge is being re-constructed with... olive oil. "Great! Now the bridge is under construction!" Mario said angrily.
"Well, you have to blame Bridge Guy 2 for hiring an OLIVE OIL company for doing the construction," Bridge Guy 1 said. Bridge Guy 2 doesn't know what to say. "Um, bye!" He and the other bridge guys jump off the bridge.
"So, does that mean we'll have to wait for the next chapter?" the Mario Brothers asked in unison. "YES! YES! YESITY YES!" Announcer exclaimed.
THE REVIEWS SECTION DEMANDS SACRIFICES... I MEAN REVIEWS!
-The NessSnorlax