Mario and Luigi: Crazystar Saga

By NessSnorlax

Disclaimer: I do not own Mario, like everyone that writes fanfiction for Mario.

Chapter 7: Abstractly Fabulous

Another pebble, like the one that destroyed the town last chapter, fell on Mario's head and knocked him out. During this time, Mario has a dream.

"It's now time for... WHEEL OF ROBOTS!" Announcer exclaims in a loud voice, with the music for the show playing in the background. Mario skips the first round, and then dreams that it's his turn. Mario takes a spin on the wheel, and announces the name of the robots.

"Ikea-bot, iSack, Bender, NessSnorlax, Military Octobot, Metal Sonic, Eliwood, Funzo, Robot Devil, Willdows 95, Caterkiller, Servo, Robot 1-X, Ribbot, Lyn, Mike R. Phone, Kwanzabot, Bill, Lisa..." Mario went through all of the robots, and starts saying them again. "Ikea-bot, iSack, Bender, NessSnorlax, Military Octobot, Metal Soooonic... ELIWOOD!"

"I'm sorry, but Eliwood just ate a yacht and..."

Mario turns into an Atari 2600 style spaceship, and the other things turn into weird, funky-shaped, roundish blobs of thing. Of course, since this is Atari VIDEO COMPUTER SYSTEM (or 2600) we're taking about, all Mario could say was "BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!"

Then, an outline of a TOY HUMMER comes on the screen. Mario was horrified. He explained this horror in the most poetic way possible. "BEEP BEEP BEEP!" Mario said, and then exploded.

EXPLOSION COUNTER: 1

Luigi then wakes up Mario. Mario, however, still thinks it's the dream world.

Mario asked Luigi a question. "Who's Eliwood?"

"What the hell is that? Anyway, do you know what was in that cryogenic chamber?"

"Um... no."

"And whatever happened to the last chapter? There were TWO chapter fives! We're becoming like the land of Action 52!"

"NOT ACTION 52!" And with this, Mario explodes.

EXPLOSION COUNTER: 2

Random things start exploding.

EXPLOSION COUNTER: 184.39059

After everything exploded, they regenerated for some reason.

Mario made a comment of it. "That was WEIRD! Now with potassium!"

Luigi, not knowing what to say, just starts talking about the chamber again. "Who was in that chamber?"

"Look, the time on it is almost up!"

The chamber reads the dial. "Oh, uh... it's 2 MINUTES, jackarse!"

Mario and Luigi were shocked at this chamber's shocking and improper use of the grammartronics. They were so mad, that the chamber was thrown of the cliff, going down a long pit to the centre of the earth... no, wait, it just actually landed on the roof of a building.

"So... uh," Luigi asked, "what WERE we doing anyway?"

"Hmm... good question!" Mario exclaimed. "I think we were going to the building with the squares and Queen Victorias... they call it a castle!"

Then, Queen Victoria arose from her grave (she did die in 1901) to say something. "We are not amused!"

"But you're never amused, Queen Victoria!" Mario said. Of course, Victoria was gone, as she had gone back to her grave to rest there for whole bunch of chapters.

So, Mario and Luigi spend one minute and fifty-five seconds to get to the castle, when they didn't realize that is was RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM! Hey, what was in the chamber anyway? Let's find out!

The person in there was, obviously, still in there. The timer counts down from five seconds... four... three... two... one point five... one and quarter of a five... a whole one...
Our automobiles are made out of brick ovens (1)... ZERO! The chamber opens and someone comes out.

"Ah, finally, those damn reporters are gone!" It's Mushroom Kingdom vice-president Lloyd Irving! However, the reporters still found him.

"What is your stance on the industrializationifying of the African nation of kwaNgougnononononeinoinoinoinstan?"

"How will raise gas prices and make many people pissed off and start a communist world revolution with bread, having only being invented a couple thousand summers ago?"

"PLEASE MAKE THE GODDAMN SHEELOS FANFIC!"

"I want to eat the pavement! Pavement is really tasty. I will eat it, to avenge the death of my automobile!" This person then eats the pavement, thinking it tastes really good.

Of course, Lloyd just runs off again. Meanwhile, the Mario Bros. are talking about stuff.

"You know what?" Mario asked.

"What EES EET?" Luigi responded.

"Okay, you didn't need to say that, but I need new clothing, because I lost all of mine in the Great Mushroom Kingdom Swirly Spinny Thing of 1986."

"In America, Canada, England, and Canada's wacky northern neighbour, Australia, they call it a 'tornado.' Such strange foreign names!"

"Just so you know, Luigi, Canada's 'wacky northern neighbour' is the North Pole. And I have to agree with you; 'swirly spinny thing' sound much better than 'tornado!'"

The Mario Bros. are now starting to look for clothing. By now, they had already forgotten to go to the castle. The Bros. wander into a store called "ALLEN THE OVERLORD & TAYLOR," but leave because it was too "girly." Oh, and the fact that Mario hurt his toe on their stupid metal clothing, hopping all over the place. Then, they go to another store that's a parody of one in real life, called "ABEROMNICRONBIE & FITCH."

Mario is still not happy. He starts to say something in a sarcastically happy tone of voice. "I'm going to buy some clothes now because the author is forcing me to!"

So, Mario goes into the dressing room, puts on some clothing, and comes out with dress and hairstyle that looks similar to the kind that the Futurama character Amy Wong wears.

"Um... okay." Luigi said, just staring in confusion. "That's... uh..." Luigi was trying to say, trying as best as he could to hold back laughter. "That's is... hehe... the best outfit ever!"

"G'uh!"

So, Mario pays for the outfit, and they leave the store. For some reason, Mario was still wearing the outfit. "Now, let's go to the castle!"

For no reason, Mario decided to turn on the radio normally used for scaring away those goddamn rocks. The station that was on had a commercial.

"Someday, our children will be named after Ikea chairs and tables. We just might have schools filled with children named Ektorp, Karlanda, Leksvik, and Fröjsta!" Some Guy said.

Mario was shocked. "MAMMA-MIA! It's a commercial! Now with 467 percent more potassium and Commodore 64!" Then, things start exploding.

EXPLOSION COUNTER: Let's make it a nice, even, round number... 200

Of course, in true NessSnorlaxian fashion, they start regenerating. Then, some guards start approaching Mario.

"You look like Mario. We'll need to see some proof!" Guard said.

Mario jumps. "See! I made jumping popular in 1980! In 1979 and before, people didn't know jumping existed. But after 1980, people do it all of the time!" And, for no reason, Mario holds up a magazine called "WEIRD STUFF WEEKLY." Guard snatches it out of Mario's hand.

"Look here!" Yet Another Guard says. "It says here that Mario has been seen wearing women's clothing!"

"Is that true?"

"Nah, it's probably some crazy, insane rumour that someone made up." Of course, what Another Guard doesn't realize is that Mario just walked up to them actually wearing the aforementioned clothing.

"Hey, look at this rumour! It says that the ass-kicking graham crackers actually kicked people's asses, and when they kicked the ass of an flaming cheese hot dog, the hot dog then spit fire out everywhere, burning the graham crackers to whatever burned graham crackers turn into after they are burned!"

"It also says that Cackletta, Fawful, and her new henchman, Ganondorf, chose a stupid place for a hideout, a place where everyone can actually see them."

Meanwhile, in the hideout of the Not Ready for Primetime Players... I mean Cackletta...

"Eeyah heh heh heh heh! Need more eyewash, GWARGH!" Cackletta said, looking for the ever-yummable eyewash.

"I HAVE FURY!" Fawful, of course, said.

Ganondorf was sad. "I don't have a catchphrase."

"Now, to discuss things in my evil and well-hidden secret hideout."

"Your Witchiness..." Ganondorf said. "Hate to tell you, but this isn't very evil or well-hidden."

"YOU'RE FIRED!" Cackletta exclaimed, doing a hand gesture to rival Donald Trump's.

Ganondorf then leaves, doing what any evil villain would do: buy Swedish furniture. What, you think they'd kidnap princesses? That's crazy. Anyway, as you could have guessed by the "Swedish furniture," the two were in Ikea, where people were looking at the furniture.

"Of comfortable chair this being is! Living room gets it for needing!" Fawful proclaimed, almost falling asleep while doing so.

"Ganondorf was wrong! This is a GREAT place for a secret hideout! You can even buy lamps here! LAMPS! Oh my gosh! It's a lamp inside of a cube! I would have never thought of it!"

"Agreeing of I. Lamps we need lots and lots of because my of I HAVE FURY mustard power, lamps blowing up will it will!"

EXPLOSION COUNTER: 350

"Hey, Fawful, whatever happened to your TV network?"

"With my I HAVE FURY ACROSS THE USA power, making of Fawful Broadcasting Corporation, FBC or, major network made it in to!"

"Wasn't it called something else last chapter?"

"Name changes second every it does!"

At the FBC headquarters in New Yorkamsterdam, the sign outside changes to Fawful Corp Headquarters, then to Fawful Broadcasting, then Fawful-Cackletta Heavy Industries Conglomerate, Fawful's Broadcasting System and Maximum-Security Prison, and finally, Fawfultoon Network.

Cackletta could somehow see this, which was amazing, considering that they were in the Beanbean Kingdom. "So, what are Fawfultoons?"

"FOXBOX, or as they call it now, '4Kids TV,' like it is. But having more crappy shows! Crappy shows being 'Cacklettatubbies,' and 'Cackletta and the Purple Cackle Thing.' Oh, and 5 hour block programming toothbrush it is about!"

Cackletta was confused. "Toothbrush?"

"Toothbrush I had that in my family for 56 years, 1979 war was beginning!"

"Main screen turn on! No... Wait, unless it is 2035, you would have only had your toothbrush for twenty-six years!" Cackletta corrected.

Then, Fawful started to say something that had absolutely nothing to do with the subject at hand. And in remarkable clarity, too!

"We're in the I HAVE FURY Zone, which is a dimension of things about imaginational crap, and we're all about to enter it!"

"Okay, so, in the next four seconds, I will work in some place, get transported to some weird flying ugly round spherical thingy, come out to find everything destroyed, find books, and then have non-existent glasses fall off of my face so I can't read anymore. Oh, and be freaked out!"

"Exactly! Happening that does of will!"

After this long conversation, we now go back to see what the Mario Brothers are doing. And they have absolutely no idea what it is that they are doing.

"So, now what are we supposed to do?" Mario asked to Luigi.

"Hmm..." Luigi thought, holding out a book that said 'MAWIO & LUYGY STWATEGY GUYDE,' "It says here, that in order to progress, we need to win the lottery game Powerball!"

"I heard that if anyone can guess what the word 'STWATEGY' means, then they win the legendary Golden Cookie of Montezuma! Then they could find a picture of Buddha, Thor, or Martel in it, and then someone named Jennifer would buy it for $8,675,309!" Mario exclaimed! He had always wanted the legendary Golden Cookie of Montezuma.

Then, Mario searched his pockets for a translator. Instead, he found a lottery ticket, for the Powerball thing. There are the numbers 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, and the Powerball is 2. On the nearby ginormous-screen television, the announcer for the lottery says the exact same numbers as on the lottery ticket! Mario realizes that they won!

"OMG! We won! We have won $376 billion United States dollars!"

"Well, Mario, you do realize that we have a $150 quadrillion multimedia empire, making us richer than Bill Gates, who only has a measly $6 billion dollars!"

Soon afterward, Luigi finds a real Player's Guide for this game. "According to this, we have to fix the castle's plumbing, and then find out that Cackletta and her two minions stole the Beanstar!"

"Good!" Mario exclaimed, glad that Luigi just revealed part of the plot. "Then we don't have to do that!"

All of a sudden, someone who looks like Lady Lima comes down on a string. "Good! First, I need you to fix the castle's plumbing network."

"I'm so sorry," Mario said, "but we have hired someone from a real plumbing company to fix the plumbing pipes!"

"Lady Lima" was horrified! "OH NO! Now Cacklet... I mean the Duke of Cackledom can't send the Beanstar off to the Hooniversity!"

"You're an idiot!" Mario exclaimed. "You just told us all of your secret plans!"

So, Fawful, who was disguised as Lady Lima, was angry. "I HAVE FURY, WHICH IS SOMETHING YOU DO NOT HAVE, MARIO! HA-HA! HA-HA! HA-HA!"

"I only want fury if it's in pill form! Other kinds of fury taste horrible!" Mario said, in a tone of voice to match Fawful's.

"WELL, TOO BAD!" Fawful then flew off.

That being done, the Mario Bros. go into the queen's chamber, which was easier than normal to get through because they didn't have to waste their time underground and revealed the plot to everyone. What they saw in that chamber shocked them.

"Oh no! I just ate McDonald's fries! They taste so horrible!" said Queen Bean, who was rolling around on the ground, clutching her stomach.

The real Lady Lima came up to Mario and explained the situation. "The only way to cure the queen of this pain is to find the legendary bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken Chicken Strips, because they're finger lickin' good. In fact, they are so legendary, that they will instantly cure the eater of the 'I ate too much crappy McDonald's food' virus, which is made up by the author or authoress because there are always those people complaining about the quality of the food at McDonald's and fast food in general... but if the author or authoress' name is 'Sheena,' then that most likely means she's female, right? Anyway, he or she could have also chosen the legendary bucket of Wendy's fries, Tim Horton's donuts and sandwiches, Subway sandwiches..." Lima then continues to list all sorts of fast food places and one food item that they serve. Of course, Mario and Luigi can't take it.

"Well, okay." Mario said. "We'll find you BOTH of the legendary buckets!"

"And those two would be...?" Lima asked.

"The KFC Bucket and the 'PLEASE SHUT UP NOW!' bucket, which we need right now!" Luigi yelled, in a voice that was so loud it destroyed... a measly lamp. Yeah, only one lamp. How pitiful.

"ALL RIGHTY!" Lima exclaimed in a cheerful tone, and, on cue, exploded.

EXPLOSION COUNTER: 351

And with this, Mario and Luigi leave the casle, going on the search for Chateau de Chucklechuk, the last word not being French.

"We have to find the KFC bucket!" Mario exclaimed.

"Hey... I just realized something!" Luigi... realized.

"What?"

"Why can't we just pull up to the Kentucky Fried Chicken, get the food, and save us the expense of going through the boring old forest!"

"MAMMA-MIA! You're right!"

Then, in all of his announcerly glory, Announcer came down from the place where he usually is and tells them a legendary story. "One day, there were people who did not want that to happen. So, they decided to protest outside of NessSnorlax's house, destroying New Jersey in a nuclear war, and so, this part of the story was added!"

"Are you being serious?" Mario asked. He looked suprised that people would do such a thing over a fanfic.

"Of course not! You have to do this because something similar was in the original Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga! And it has to do with Kentucky Fried Chicken because the authoress didn't want it to be exactly like the game! Blah blah blah..."

Just then, Announcer gets shocked by thunder. "WHAT! Aren't Mario and Luigi the ones supposed to be shocked?"

There was silence. Announcer then decides to retreat to his announcer hole, which is in the sky for some odd reason.

"Okay... that's good for us I guess!" Luigi said, confused as why all of that happened.

And so, the Mario Brothers went off to the forest, doing what it is the Mario brothers do; waiting for the next chapter so the story can progress.

Will they find the magical bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken? Find out in the next exciting chapter of...

THIS FANFIC!

What, you thought this would be broadcast on your Super Nintendo? No! But back then, you were playing with power! And now, it's all about how touching is good! Oh, and the Nintendo Wii too.

Chicken Miasma: Yep, that's exactly where the "ass-kicking graham crackers" come from. And "flaming cheese hot-dogs."

-The NessSnorlax