That night, Suki laid awake in her bed. She kept thinking about the past; those times when she had felt that misery followed her everywhere. She tried to vanish the thoughts, but it wasn't possible to ignore something that just kept her thinking and spacing out. She closed her eyes, but her eyelids seemed to not be cooperating at all. She kept trashing in her bed, moving from here to there, trying to find a comfortable position. Suki placed her head to the side, and finally managed to stay comfortable, but it wasn't enough to get sleep to roll over her.
"You weight too much." Mumbled her pillow shifting position. Suki immediately sat up and looked to where her head had been and slapped her forehead silly.
"I totally forgot Ishuzo was here…" she thought.
And no wonder, all she had thought about all afternoon was the kiss. That wonderful experience that just kept her feeling like if she had died, gone to heaven and come back to tell… except she hadn't told anybody about her and Kai.
Ishuzo was with her sister because Kai was in her room. Tyson and the others had left home, and Kai decided to take Suki's parents invitation to stay, before they actually got on their knees. One thing Kai hated more than loosing was begging.
After so much trashing in her bed, Suki finally stood up.
"Where ya goin'?" whispered Ishuzo half asleep.
"Going to get water." Suki whispered back.
Ishuzo nodded for no particular reason and then turned over, wrapping herself in her sisters covers like a Tamale (the Mexican dish).
She went to the kitchen, and got her glass of water, but it just seemed to intensify her thirst. She pushed it away, headed to the living room and sat at the window. She just kept thinking…
"Should I tell him?" Suki debated herself to reveal what she had been hiding to everybody. Only her parents and brother knew. She finally decided to tell Kai about it. But as far as she knew, he was sound asleep and she really didn't want to wake him up.
She kept thinking about the past, the images becoming clearer with every second that passed like a radio station off limits. She couldn't help it; it was more of a natural reaction she was having lately.
She began to sing, remembering all that misery. All that came back to haunt her. All that she wanted to forget.
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain, here all alone.
Something has been taken
From deep inside of me.
A secret I've kept locked away
No one can ever see.
Wounds so deep they never show
They never go away.
Like moving pictures in my head
For years and years they've played.
(If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could, stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain, here all alone.
Sometimes I remember
The darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories
I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go
And never looking back
And never moving forward so
There would never be a past.
(If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could, stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
Just watching it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
Is so much simpler than change.
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain, here all alone.
It's easier to run
(If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made)
It's so much easier to go
(If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could, stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave)
The words flowed through the house with her melodic and soft voice, gently touching the eardrum of everybody in the house, without disturbing their calm souls and peaceful dreams.
It was easier to run. The pain was too much to face alone. She looked up at the full moon, watching it stare back at her calmly. "Its lucky." Suki thought. "She has no worries. She just floats up there."
"Want to tell me about it?" asked a voice. She jumped and turned her head, just to see Kai standing right next to her, a very cold stare in his eyes… but somewhere inside she could see that he really cared.
"I thought you were asleep." She replied. "Did I wake you? I'm sorry."
"No." he said. "I couldn't sleep either. When I heard the first words, I knew you were awake as well."
Suki stared at him, apparently hoping for him to say something else.
"So, you want to tell me about it?" he repeated.
"Should I?" Suki thought.
"You were planning on telling him anyway, weren't you?" asked Odeon. "So why don't you tell him now that he's right here?"
Suki nodded. Kai didn't move.
"When I was young," she started, "I used to think I was the only thing that mattered. The only person, that is. I had many people that called themselves my friends, but in reality, were the ones who stepped on me all the time. I didn't realize anything, because I was so desperate to have 'friends'… when I went to the witch, she told me all about it. At first I refused to believe her, but with time I realized she was right. I refused to be stepped on for any longer, and then they all turned their back on me. All of a sudden, nobody knew who I was, or that I was even there. I decided to do something for all of them to remember me forever, but I didn't know what. Finally, I did the stupidest thing ever by crossing a line I was supposed to be careful not to cross. I saw my life flash before my eyes in a matter of seconds, reminding me that I had made a mistake. Dark lights swiveled everywhere, messing with my mind, making me feel dizzy… I guess I fainted because I only remember opening my eyes in a hospital once all that nonsense had passed. After that, my parents never saw me the same way. Neither did my brother, and Ishuzo was much too young to understand anything. The 3 of them started treating me… nice."
"I would like that." Said Kai.
Suki looked at him. "It wasn't just any kind of nice, Kai." She replied. "It was an annoying kind of nice. A strange kind of nice. A not so meaningful kind of nice. I hated to be treated like that, but I had to live with it because it was my fault they treated me like that, and I admit it."
"And all those images hurt you." Kai guessed.
Suki nodded.
"What did you do?" he asked.
Suki looked at him, hurt. "I wish I had forgotten."
"But you haven't. Tell me, what did you do?"
"Don't leave if I tell you" she said. She closed her eyes tightly, allowing some tears to run down her face.
"Don't leave me hanging." He replied. He realized how much it hurt for her to say it directly. He acted as if he didn't know what was she talking about but all those clues made it obvious, and he wanted to help her understand it was no good pretending about things like such. He should know; he'd spent a lot of lonely hours playing pretend and he'd soon learned that reality always came crashing in. It hurt less if you didn't pretend in the first place.
She had to say it or else those things would never leave her. She had to get her gut together and tell him directly what she had done. "Don't leave me hanging." He repeated.
A gasp escaped her lips and she raised her hands towards her mouth to avoid them producing another one. She breathed in and out, calming herself. Then she extended her arms towards him face up. He looked from her face to her arms with narrowed eyes. Then he saw.
The scars were there. Barely visible, but still there. "I'm a suicide." She whispered.
Kai looked back at her, but didn't say anything. Instead, he walked back to where he had been before hearing the song.
"No, stop." She said. He did, but his back was still towards her. "You promised."
"I didn't promise anything." He said.
He continued to walk down the hallway with Suki following close behind, a frightened expression on her face. She saw him walk into Ishuzo's room; she followed, and when she entered, she let out another gasp when she felt herself being lifted off the ground. Kai was carrying her bride style. She hugged his neck, but he didn't say anything. He carried her to her sister's bed and lowered to settle her down. When he tried to straighten up, Suki's arms held him down.
"Don't leave me alone." She said. The words touched off a flood of old memories. How many times had he asked his grandfather not to leave him alone in some new place? He heard the echo of those childish pleas in Suki's words and it was followed by his grandfathers demand not to be weak and then the closing of a door.
He hugged her and gave her another kiss, just like thefirstone. Suki managed to somehow pull him onto the bed by her side before he broke the kiss and looked into her eyes. She looked up at him, her eyes smoky purple and mysterious in the moonlight. Kai reached out and pulled her into his arms. For the first time she felt she had found where she belonged. The words "I love you" trembled on the tip of her tongue. But now was not the time. She knew that somehow it would be a mistake to tell him how she felt now.
"Ill stay with you, so I can catch you when you're falling." He said.
Suki knew he was telling the truth. She felt the solid beat of his heart beneath her ear. She fell asleep right where and how she was, her head on his chest, her body in his arms, under the covers. He listened to her quiet breathing as she went back to sleep as he stroked her hair, in a soothing rhythm, thinking about the last few days. How he had changed a lot, not only his attitude, but also his ways of thinking.
He'd never before realized what a surprising combination of big purple eyes and soft expressions could be. Suddenly he was thinking about how nice it would be to share his life with someone. Someone who loved him. Someone he… loved. Someone like Suki.
Kai fell asleep 5 minutes later, but after admitting to himself that for the first time in his life, he had something worth fighting for.