SCENE 11

(Ichabod Crane paces round his room, thinking. Then, he decides on something and bursts into the sitting room where the men, Nesborth and Katrina are talking.)

Baltus: You! I thought you'd gone back to the city.

Ichabod: If I'd gone back to the city, then that room would be empty, wouldn't it?

(Baltus thinks deeply.)

Ichabod: Anyway, I'm not scared of the headless guy anymore. I'm, as a matter of fact, going to find his grave.

Reverend: Into the Western Woods?

Ichabod: Yep. Into the woods where everyone is scared to go because they're haunted, full of headless guys ready to kill you and not to mention lots of other ghostly stuff. Who's coming with me?

(Silence)

Nesborth: I'll go!

Ichabod: Oh, great.

(The two males ride into the Western Woods, Nesborth's mouth tied up with duct tape. He looks pissed off. They stop in a clearing where there is a well. Singing is coming from the well.)

Ichabod: (rips duct tape off Nesborth's mouth) There. Now stay quiet. (hears singing) Blimey! What's making that racket?

Nesborth: It's someone singing, sir.

Ichabod: Doubt it. Sounds more like a cat with a hot poker up it's ar...(catches sight of Nesborth looking shocked.) ...up it's tail.

Nesborth: You were going to say-

Ichabod: Shut up. I've got more duct tape in my bag. Anyway, stay here, I'm going to investigate.

(He climbs down the well and looks around.)

Ichabod: Helloooo?

Crone: Hello, Ichabod Crane.

Ichabod: AIIEEEEEEEE! You know my name!

Crone: No, you just had it on that little badge of yours.

(Ichabod looks down at his little badge, then removes it.)

Crone: So, Ichabod Crane. What do you want?

Ichabod: Well, firstly I'd like to tell you not to sing again. It sounds bloody awful.

Crone: Thank you for that. You're a real gentleman, you are.

Ichabod: Ooh, thank you. Secondly, I'd like to know about the Headless Horseman.

(The Crone thinks for a minute, then chains herself to the wall.)

Crone: I'm going to channel his spirit for a minute.

Ichabod: Ooh. Creepy.

(The Crone thinks for a minute. Then she screams, and channels the spirit of the Headless Horseman.)

Crone/HH: Ichabod Crane...

Ichabod: Now he knows my name too?

Crone/HH: I can still see your badge.

Ichabod: Dammit, I am so binning that thing!

Crone/HH: Find my skull, Ichabod Crane, find my skull...

Ichabod: What?

(The Crone launches herself at him, knocking him to the floor and screams into his face.)

Crone/HH: FIND MY SKULL!

Ichabod: Alright, alright! I'll find it!

(The Crone collapses and Ichabod runs, muttering to himself.)

Ichabod: Why does everyone in this damn village need some bloody TicTacs!

Nesborth: How did it go?

Ichabod: Apparently, we've got to find the Headless Horseman's skull.

Nesborth: Ooh, look. Someone's following us.

(Ichabod turns to see a white horse disappear behind some trees.)

Ichabod: Wait here.

(He runs to where the white horse is. While it's rider is facing the other way, he searches for a gun, finds only a banana and pulls that out instead.)

Ichabod: Don't move! I have a...banana aimed!

(The rider turns round and reveals herself to be Katrina.)

Ichabod: Katrina? Why are you following me?

Katrina: Because my dad was too much of a wimp to go with you, so I decided to come instead.

Ichabod: Erm...(thinking of something to say) you're hot.

Katrina: So are you.

(They lean in to kiss each other but are interrupted by Nesborth.)

Nesborth: Aww, cute. Anyway, you guys, I think you'd better see this.

(An unimpressed looking Ichabod and Katrina are dragged along to see a tall, dead looking tree.)

Ichabod: Wow. It's a dead tree.

Nesborth: Yeah. I know. Great, isn't it?

(Ichabod throws a banana at Nesborth, then looks confused.)

Ichabod: Where the bloody hell do these bananas keep coming from?

(He notices something odd about the tree. He walks over to it and puts his hand on a wet-looking part. His hand gets covered in blood.)

Ichabod: AIIEEEE! I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding!

Katrina: Right...you're not bleeding, the tree is!

Ichabod: Oh. Right. Let me investigate this. Get me an axe.

Nesborth: I'm not sure that's the best idea...

Ichabod: (gets an axe and starts chopping away) Shut up.

(Ichabod gets covered in blood from the tree as he chops away. Nesborth looks disgusted. Katrina looks turned on. He pulls away part of the bark and all the chopped-off heads are revealed for everyone to see. Nesborth looks horrified and so do Ichabod and Katrina. Then Ichabod notices a sword driven into the ground above part of the tree.)

Ichabod: Ooh, look at this. A sword. And...the soil beneath it is loose! I think we've found the Headless Horseman's grave...Get me a spade!

Nesborth: (hands him a spade) Bloody hell, who do you think you are, the King?

Ichabod: Katrina, tie him up with duct tape, would you?

(As Ichabod digs up the grave, Katrina ties Nesborth up with duct tape. He sits there, sulking, as Ichabod uncovers a pile of bones but no head. Meanwhile, the heads begin to move- the Headless Horseman is coming through!)

Ichabod: Ah-hah! No skull. That is why the Horseman awakes. Because someone has taken his head, so he goes around chopping other peoples' off instead.

Katrina: Ichabod? Something weird's happening...

Ichabod: Shh. But who would have known where to dig? Who would know how to control the horseman?

Katrina: For God's sake Ichabod!

Ichabod: What?

(He turns around just in time to see the Headless Horseman erupting from the tree. The Horseman wheels around to them, seems to examine them, and then canters off. Ichabod Crane jumps rather less elegantly onto his horse, falls off, and then runs after the horseman instead.)

Ichabod: Bloody damn horse.

Katrina: What the hell am I supposed to do?

Ichabod: (calling back) Whatever you bloody want to!