4-2 Piranha Canyon
I've been wanting to do something related to humiliskating for a good while now. And now here we are, with everything that made it great contained within this chapter! Well, minus the great music. Twinsanity remake when?
The impromptu humiliskate race had begun. The Fake bandicoots were far in the lead, sliding down the canyon at top speed. Fake Coco laughed maniacally as she steered her clone brother through the rocks, doing a kickflip just for show. "Mwahaha, once we lose those fakes, my genius plan can be set in motion. We'll be filthy rich by the end of this afternoon!"
"Are you sure this was a good idea?" Fake Crash said, only mildly annoyed by being used as a skateboard without his consent. "It looked like they needed the crystal for something really important."
"Pfft, whatever they wanted it for pales in comparison to the art of butter recycling! They probably just needed it for a TV-Remote, or flashlight battery or whatever. All that matters is us escaping and finally finishing the butter recycler! Now, let's ride brother."
Fake Coco leant forward, speeding up their descent through the canyon.
Fast approaching were the Mario Bros and bandicoot team. They were sliding down the canyon at top speed, aiming to reach the two clones and retrieving their stolen crystal.
Mario jumped off an incline and grinded Luigi on a conveniently placed, naturally occurring grind rail, reaching the bandicoots in a flash to discuss things with them.
"So, what are we gonna do? And is it necessary that we have to skate on our brothers to do this?"
"I don't mind. This is kinda fun." Luigi piped up, still in board form. He immediately wanted to take his statement when his face smashed into a mound of dirt, causing him to cough up the dirt out of his mouth. It was too late, though. They were all too far in to turn back.
"The plan is we reach them, take the crystal, knock them out and look cool doing it." She responded curtly, Crash nodding along with her.
"Okay, but let me ask again, why do we need to skate our brothers down a canyon path? We kind of joined in without thinking."
"Uh, duh, we're humiliskating? It's only the greatest sibling based sport in existence."
Aku Aku, who was doing his best to keep up with them at the speed they were going, floated next to them to add, "It's a sport the two of you invented and resulted in blowing up four separate stadiums and a skatepark. And I have to patch you up every single time you decide to play it."
Crash would have piped up to point out that the harm they went through wasn't that bad, sometimes a broken bone or pierced lung, sure, but never anything bad. But reality interrupted him in the form of him smashing through a rock. Coco steered him out of the way, into a field of thorn bushes, scratching him up and tearing his fur in places.
Once they came out, Crash looked exactly like the end result of someone smashing his face on several rocks and diving through a field of thorn bushes, while being used as a living skateboard. Some missing fur and scratches across his body, and the dizzy smile he had on his face was missing a few teeth.
"Case in point."
Mario chuckled at the sight, before they all resumed their downward slide.
The silhouettes of the Fake's were growing larger as they zeroed in on their position. They seemed to have yet to notice them, giving them some time to formulate a plan of attack.
Fake Crash looked behind himself, and gaped. "Uh, Coco?"
"Not now, brother. I'm visualizing our victory. I want to imagine what kind of yacht we can rent for the product launch party. With a buffet of wumpa based delicacies, and exotic da- "
"Coco, they're coming!"
Fake Coco finally turned around, miffed at the rude interruption of her fantasy, until she spotted the reason for it, changing her mood entirely. The damn fake's and the plumber weirdos were fast approaching, splitting up to box them in and give them no route of escape.
The plumber bros approached them from the left side, the red one staring quite intently at her held crystal. "Okay, little lady, hand over the crystal. We need it for something important."
"Never!" The clone leant forward, picking up speed to escape the boxing maneuver. The two sibling teams barely avoided crashing into each other before speeding up as well. Real Coco and Crash were starting to get closer, the rider reaching out to try and nab the crystal right out of the Fake's hands, while the Mario Bros tried to cut them off by riding in front of them. There was no escape for the fake's…
Until without warning, a great big blob of… something crashed in front of them, splattering the ground with its brown/white, paint like contents. The skaters barely avoided the sudden attack, scrambling out of the way around the paint puddle.
"What the- Oh boy." The Mario Bros had an inkling of who was the source of the attack, and everyone turning around confirmed their suspicions.
A giant, green and red plant monster, a ring of orange flowers surrounding its head, dressed only in a pair of red underpants with white polka dots, was riding down the canyon on top of a log, and doing so with style.
"Petey Piranha!?" Mario shouted, revealing the name of the beast. Petey waved hello at them, before kickflipping his log into the air and striking a pose, showing off to the new people. "What is he doing here? Bowser doesn't know we're looking for him!"
Thanks to his greater size and weight, he was able to pick up enough speed to catch up to them. Even without eyes they could tell he was eyeing the crystal in the fake's hands. And seeing him lick his lips, well, that implied something else far less pleasant for the Fake's.
"Uh oh." Fake Coco said, before booking it further down the canyon.
The race for the crystal was on.
Meanwhile, back in the Mushroom Kingdom.
The trio of star hunters were sifting through the castle's storage room, a massive room filled with crates of random odds and ends, bits and bobs, mementos and souvenirs of past adventures, and the occasional gift from Bowser the princess had put here and completely forgotten about. Like the treadmill over by the mushroom crates she had promised she would use, then completely forgot about. Or the pinkish gold statue of herself in the corner she refused to talk about, and was definitely not alive in any way.
They were searching through crates she knew she stored stars in. It was just a matter of finding the actual boxes that held them. The toad's were not very good at organizing her things.
As he searched one crate, Dingodile smiled as he pulled a star out of it, jumping in the air with a twirl while a cheerful victory song played from… somewhere.
"Hey, another one. Also, why does he keep doing that?" Tawna nabbed the star when Dingodile fell from the air, crashing next to her. She tossed it into the slowly filling sack of stars she was lugging around.
"It's just common courtesy. It would be weird if he didn't do it." Was the answer Peach gave to them. "Now, how many do we have already?"
"Uhh, five stars. Sixteen more to go." Tawna answered as they continued to travel through storage. She wasn't going to voice her thoughts, but she was starting to grow bored with the whole chore. She probably should have stuck with Crash. "Soooo, what's your dynamic with the Mario Bros?"
"Oh, well, usually I get kidnapped, then they come to save me. It's been pretty much that for the past thirty years."
"Really? And you fine just playing the role of damsel in distress? I only had it happen to me once, and I hated every second of it?" Tawna said, gobsmacked.
"Well I don't play it all the time, I've gone on adventures with the brothers plenty of times. But yes, I usually just let myself get kidnapped, and I wait for them to save me. It's usually the easiest way for me to skip meetings without seeming lazy. Plus, Bowser treats me well. He can cook quite the stew, and the cages he locks me in always have wi-fi in them."
"That sounds nice, but still."
Dingodile hopped over towards them, having overheard their conversation, and wanted to chip in. "You want some advice from an ol' dingo gator thing? Get yer own gig. Nothin helps ya rework your image then doin something different from what ya used to do. I opened up ma own diner when I decided to retire from bein evil, and I've been havin a whale of a time serving patrons, making commercials and gettin rid of health inspectors. Ah, those were good times." He sighed dreamily, looking back on the fun moments of his adventure. Then he seemed to realize something, and he turned to Tawna with a question that has been on his mind for a while. "Actually, weren't you goin on your own dimension hopping adventures as well? Like the time ya beat me up with a grapple hook during that whole dimension thingy?"
"Oh, no, I'm not that Tawna, no. I do hear she's badass, though."
"Aye, a damn badass sheila she was. Great hairstyle too, really works the mohawk."
"So I heard. I wanna meet her at some point." The bandicoot chuckled before realizing she had gotten sidetracked. "Oh, but I also agree with Dingo over here. You should get your own gig, go on your own adventure."
The princess hummed, idly hopping up a stack of crates with grace and finesse. "Well, I've joined the brothers on their fair share of adventures, and I even starred on one of my own. But maybe it is about time I tried out something for myself. Spread my wings and fly as they say." When she reached the top, she kicked one of the crates open, stuck her hand inside it, and pulled out a star. "Ah, here's another one. I had a feeling the Toad's put them high up. That should help make our search a bit easier."
"Speaking of searching, how do you think our little friends are doin with their little gem hunt?"
"Probably having a lot more fun than we're having, that's for sure."
"WAHHHH!" Luigi was not having fun as he flew through the air past a large swathe of thorny bushes, barely passing when he landed.
Petey Piranha was starting to catch up to them, and the canyon was starting to get more and more dangerous as they neared the Cortex Vortex. The combination of space station debris, rocky outcroppings and paint bombs all combined into turning their epic race down the canyon into an actually life threatening act. The stress was starting to wear on all of them.
Well, except for Petey himself. He seemed to be having the time of his life at least, wildly flapping his leaf hands at every jump, performing stunts not unlikely to be found in a skating game.
In Coco's eyes, all they needed to do was grab the crystal of her stubborn fake self, and she could open a portal for them to escape. That's all they needed to happen. That's why, when she spotted a ledge jutting out of the ground in the distance, she had an idea.
"Come on, Crash, let's show them who the kings of humiliskating really are." She said to her brother. Crash nodded to her, a steely look on his face as the two charged over to the Mario Bros.
Fake Coco swerved out of the way of one of Petey's paint bombs, muttering curses and profanities under her breath that should not be heard by innocent ears. "Dangit, all I want to do is recycle butter! Why is the world so against that concept!"
"I don't think we're ready for it, sis. Now please watch out, he's coming right for us!" Fake Crash screamed.
The two were knocked into the air for a bit when Petey crashed his log onto the ground, having gained some serious air with his leaf hands to catch up to them. He gave them a toothy smile as he licked his lips, before lunging over to forcefully yank the crystal off her hands. Fake Coco proved to have a strong grip, however, and they entered a power struggle as they tried to take the crystal.
That was the Mario Brothers cue, as they suddenly slid right through the gap between the two, right underneath the crystal. Hammer in hand, Mario smacked the macguffin out of their grasps, sending it flying into the air.
As it flew upwards, Crash and Coco took the ramp, jumping off it and flying majestically through the air, aiming for the crystal in the sky. The world slowed down as Coco grasped the crystal in triumph, looking down to see everyone's reaction.
All she saw were expressions of horror aimed at where they were going to land. Looking at her ride, she could see Crash was just as terrified as he flailed wildly. And looking at exactly where they were landing, she grew as horrified as everyone else.
A railing. A railing that stretched down the canyon for quite the length. A railing that Crash was about to land on. Midsection first.
"Hello, Mario here, to say that no bandicoots were actually harmed in the making of this scene. All the events shown here are performed with safety in mind. However, we understand that this scene is painful, so viewer discretion is advised."
The sound of grinding metal made everyone wince as Crash grinded down the rail. Sparks were flying as they watched on in pained horror.
"Mama mia." Luigi said, making a pained face. Petey Piranha nodded along in agreement, wincing as sparks, actual sparks, flew from the rail as Crash continued his downward slide. Thankfully for everyone involved, the rail did come to an end eventually, the bandicoot siblings flying off and rejoining them in the regular body sliding form.
Fake Coco looked at real Coco in disgust. "To take someone would do that to their own brother!"
"Hey, that was accidental. Besides, Crash goes through worse things every other day, and we got the crystal! It was worth it in the end, right bro?"
Crash gave no answer, only a look of pain beyond all pain. It was going to be a long, long time before the memory of this day would ever leave his mind.
Then, he smashed into a crate, the wumpa fruit contained inside flying into his mouth. All was forgotten as he chewed the juicy delicacy down, and he returned to his normal, airheaded self. So much for trauma.
It was at this point that they all realized they were in the middle of a death defying race down a canyon for a crystal, and that it was time to get back on it. Which was Petey Piranha's cue to act up by sliding his way towards the crystal holders. Crash and Coco did not see him coming in time.
The giant plant smashed into them, propelling them high into the air. The two bandicoots screamed in terror, before Petey's gaping maw closed around them, swallowing them whole.
"Crash! Coco! Nooo!" The Mario Brothers both screamed in horror. They had only known the bandicoots for a few days. So young, with their lives ahead of them, now cut short because of their neglig-
"What are you two screaming about?" Coco, alive and not eaten, piped up as she and Crash approached them. "We're over here. We got out of the way when we saw him coming over."
Together, the group slid to a stop, finally giving their rides a break from being made to slide down the dirt path on their stomachs, among other, less pleasant sounding things. The two brothers dusted themselves off and stretched their stiff bones back into place, while Mario and Coco watched the Piranha Plant slide down the canyon, further and further away from them.
"Huff, uff, I… I made it…" Aku Aku floated up to them, having been left behind when the more intense parts of the chase started. "I'm getting way too old to keep up with this. What did I miss?"
"Uh, nothing too horrible that you should worry about." Coco quickly said, making sure not to mention the rail grinding incident. "But we got the crystal!"
Crash walked back to the group, choking and gasping as he smacked his stomach until he burped up the crystal into his hands. How that got there, no one was going to ask. But they got what they came for, and it was worth all of the pain.
But now there was still something that needed to be addressed.
Aku Aku looked around, before asking. "Where are the fakes? And the giant plant monster?"
"Oh, they got eaten. Petey's just sliding all the way down to the finish line. He probably thinks he got the ones with the crystal." Coco answered, absentmindedly typing on her tablet to open up another portal. "It's his problem, not ours, though. We can go back and meet up with the others now."
"Hey now, woawoawoa, we're not doing that." Mario forced the tablet down, keeping the portal from opening. "We can't just leave them with Petey?"
"Yeah, we need to go help them!" Luigi exclaimed.
"Why?" Coco asked.
Luigi turned to face the scree- to stare at the sky, posing dramatically, an angelic light shining on him. "Because it's the right thing to do!"
He noticed the awkward, weirded out stare everyone was giving him, making him drop out of the stance. "Hehe, well, they also didn't really do anything to us other than run away from us. It's pretty cruel to just leave them to Petey like that."
Crash nodded in agreement. That was a good point to make. Pretty much any harm that happened in their ride down was either caused by Petey or themselves. The Fake's did nothing wrong.
Coco sighed. "Alright, alright, I get it. Let's go rescue them. But I get to rub it in my Fake's face how I won the race in the end!"
Petey Piranha reached the end of the canyon, sliding to a stop in front of the massive, torn down wreck of the Cortex Vortex. He flipped his log ride into the air and onto his hands, raising it above his head as he basked in the imaginary cheer of the imaginary crowd he was imagining celebrating his first place win.
Boy, was Bowser going to be proud of him when he came back with that crystal. He could finally get that promotion to Army Commander that he's been craving all these years. He pulled out the two bandicoots out of his mouth just to admire his catch a bit more before making the call back to… Wait, how was he going to call back to them?
Meanwhile, the two bandicoots were dripping in drool as they were dangled upside down by the piranha plant. Their day was really going down the toilet now, and Fake Coco had a feeling who was at fault.
"Bleh, curse that stupid clone and her natural, blonde hair. I swear, when we escape from this brute, I will have my revenge!" She said, struggling against the plant creature's tight grip. Fake Crash was too dazed by the chaos they just went through to give a response. All he gave was a quizzical grunt as he saw Petey Piranha stare at them. He was looking them over, confusion clear on his face.
Then he started wildly shaking them around, like a child shaking their dolls around in a game of Category 5 Hurricane, or someone trying to shake some loose change out of their piggy bank. His grunting as he shook them was growing more and more agitated, until he stopped and roared at them. His mouth was shaped into a very nasty looking, tooth barred scowl, growling at them.
"Oh, umm, I guess you thought we were the ones with the crystal? Hehe?" Fake Crash threw out his guess. He had guessed correctly, if Petey opening his mouth and swallowing them was any indication.
Petey growled as he forced the two down his gullet. What a waste of his time. That celebratory slide meant nothing now. But sniffing the air with his powerful… nose? Whatever it was he used to smell told him that the Mario Bros and the other bandicoots were still around.
In fact, they were coming right for him, judging by the scent growing stronger. Maybe his victorious finish wouldn't go to waste, after all. All he needed to do was prepare.