Chapter4
Time flies when you're being ignored. (Note sarcasm)
Another May 8th had rolled around, another pointless trip to the cemetery to sit on wet grass and stare at stones.
Sixth grade was such a crappy year. I had put away toys and childish books. I was more concerned with my hair and dress. Although I still had very few friends, I was beginning to feel the need to fit in, to belong. This year, more than any other seemed to magnify how little I belonged anywhere and with anyone. I was an orphan, abandoned. This was not my home, just somewhere I had been placed until I grew up. I had been foisted on my Uncle and Aunt, who seemed to be holding their breath until I aged out and hit the bricks.
My third-grade sighting of Edward had caused me to hope, but after three years of silence I was feeling foolish and once again abandoned, devastation manifested itself in bitter anger. I mean, what was he, a ghost, an alien, some creepy stalker guy? And yet, here I was mad that he was not stalking me more obviously.
I'm stupid.
I banged my head against the bus window in frustration and my finger formed an E on the fogged glass.
Stupid.
When I stepped onto the sidewalk in front of my school, I couldn't bring myself to step toward that building, a cauldron of social vying. Before I knew what I was doing, I was down the sidewalk and climbing the hill toward the tree line and freedom.
When I reached the trees, I pulled my phone out of my backpack and stuck my earbuds in my ears. I put on Drenge and turned up the volume as "We Can Do What We Want" pounded in my head.
As I banged my head to the music that demanded we had a right to be little shits, I pulled out a cigarette, stuck it in the corner of my mouth and lit it with a Bic lighter. Jessica's dad bought his cigarettes by the carton and would dump them in the top drawer of his night stand. Jess would steal a pack and split it with me.
Jessica had started playing with the word "fuck," it was so harsh and rebellious—perfect for the 'word of the day'.
I started dancing around the woods with my eyes closed and my hands over my head.
Carried away by a current of venom, I sang, "fuck-fuck-fuck," it felt so good I shouted, "FUUUUCK!"
I tripped over a root and landed on my ass, scraping my palms.
"Fuck!" I cried, my eyes opening and squinting against the intrusion of the sun.
There he was.
Standing with his feet planted shoulder's width apart, knee deep in bracken. I looked at his face, angry and disappointed and had to look away.
"Go away," I threw over my shoulder as I awkwardly stood, brushing debris off my throbbing butt.
Damn him for showing up now.
"No," he gritted out forcefully.
Hearing the anger in his voice caused mine to evaporate. Looking at myself through his eyes, I saw a bratty little girl, ungrateful, misguided—foolish, everything I didn't want for myself.
'Never Awake,' murmured from under the ferns while my cigarette began to heat between my fingers. I snuffed it out against my boot and put the butt in my jacket pocket.
I stood before him thoroughly ashamed.
As if a switch was flipped, he was in motion. He took my hand and led me to a log, leaving me to sit as he looked for my phone in the undergrowth.
He walked back tapping my phone and sat down next to me, our thighs touching. He handed me an earbud as he place the other in his ear. With his head resting against mine, he pushed play.
Hello there the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never ends
Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
The Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
And hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop the pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you miss you)
I miss you (miss you miss you)
Blink182's "I Miss You" summed us up perfectly. How did he know? I looked at him as the song ended and he smiled softly with a shrug.
He got it. He got that today I was an exposed nerve, not belonging, not important. But he missed me and we were entwined in darkness and light. I didn't belong here and I didn't belong with these people, but he missed me. We were Jack and Sally, finding a place of belonging somewhere in the between.
I leaned over and kissed his cheek. He pulled away a bit, but lifted my hand and kissed my knuckles.
Holding my hands in his he turned to look me in the eyes.
"You will survive this, little one. Be brave and strong for me."
The words from that night, my life's mantra, reverberated through my core.
"I will, Edward. I promise." I smiled as a tear rolled quietly down my cheek. He lifted a finger to trace it and I closed my eyes at the sensation.
When I opened them, he was gone.
"Gah, I hate it when he does that!" I said under my breath.
A velvet baritone laugh echoed off the trees and I smiled as I leaned back on the log, tapping play again.
~o0o~
I got back to school in time for lunch. I had a new direction. He cared for me. He missed me. He was my dearest friend and the only one who knew me and damn if he didn't like me anyway.
I smiled as I turned the corner to the courtyard outside the cafeteria. I stopped and looked at my group. Jessica, Mike, Ben, Angela and Eric, we had been together for years. Next year we would be going to middle school where we would be small fish in a bigger pond. I looked at each one and smiled again. I didn't really belong here, not the same way that I belonged with Edward. A part of me would always be in that forest, but I was wanted by them and this small group would walk the halls with me for the time I was here.
I pushed forward toward my friends and Mike and Eric jumped up to give me their seat. I sat in Eric's with thanks since it put me next to Angela. Time to broaden and refine, I mused. Too much Jessica was not a good thing.
I wouldn't forget today's bitter lesson.
~Edward~
With this visitation, I learned that she had grown to the point that she could no longer, would no longer live with the undefined. As I struggled not to impose on her world, her life, I also knew she, no we, needed the contact, the affirmation of outreach.
I had with the turning of each year visited to check on her, but now I knew I had to let her know that I was there and I cared. Seeing her angry and acting out broke my heart. In trying to protect her right to live her life undisturbed, I had hurt her.
I would not forget today's bitter lesson.