Avenging

Omake 2

Tales of the Hand: Wisdom in Confection

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As always I do not own the rights to the characters within.

Yes, this is another humor bit that didn't fit in any regular chapter. We're going to revisit the all-important cast of ninjas that had a huge impact in the story. Twice. Back in Act II and a bit part at the end of an early chapter in Act IV. They melted Orochimaru and tossed the Serpent Crown down a sewer. It was only written over a decade ago, which is like yesterday in geological terms. I'm sure everyone remembers this both wacky and lethal cast.

Let's start the show again…

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Matsuo Tsurayaba stared across the long table which the leaders of the Hand sat at. It was located in the penthouse office of an office building that was now officially known as 'Ninja World Headquarters'. They even had a garish logo on the roof of the building visible from miles away. While none of the members of the Hand liked the idea of identifying their headquarters with any type of nomenclature that had to do with their actual profession, Onsokumaru, the 'Hard Master' leader of the Hand, pointed out no one would think the actual Hand would be silly enough put a name with ninja in it to their headquarters. Hiding in plain sight, so to speak. The sub-leaders preferred hiding in shadows, but no one felt up to challenging the… enigmatic new leader. Mostly because his right-hand bodyguard, the eternally brooding, angsty (and admittedly chick magnet) Sasuke Uchiha, was obviously powerful. There was also his left-hand bodyguard, Shinobu, who remained an enigma. No one ever sensed a threat coming from her, yet she had proven deadly when it came to protecting her charge. Except it all seemed like dumb luck on her part. She and Onsokumaru were cut from the same cloth. He was openly idiotic, yet somehow his plans nearly always worked out.

Oh for the good old days when they just killed people, had a war with the Chaste, and Wolverine regularly killed their men. Simpler times indeed.

It was time for their weekly meeting, and everyone was present. Matsuo wasn't certain how this one would turn out. Sub-leader Kojima had gone with a rather stupid idea of offering Onsokumaru cyanide laden fortune cookies in an effort to assassinate their unwanted leader. Matsuo thought such a basic attempt would not only stand no chance of success, but would get him killed. Not that he cared a whit if Kojima ended up dead, just that if one wanted to murder the bizarre being, they should try something that would actually work.

Now the amorphous yellow ball with a face on it sat on his cushion on the table, looking at the plate of cookies before him and drooled. And when he drooled, he drooled. It formed an actual puddle on the table. No living being should be able to shed that much liquid and not desiccate. He'd seen men with gaping chest wounds bleed less.

Onsokumaru said, "I want to thank whomever left this mysterious plate of cookies for me." Arms extended from the ball, coming in front of him as he clapped them together and tilted forward in the approximation of a bow. Then lightning fast he grabbed one of the cookies and shoved it in his mouth. There was a crunching sound as he moaned, "These are so delicious."

Matsuo could scarcely believe it. He had actually eaten the poison fortune cookie! Perhaps it was because the attempt was so obvious Onsokumaru thought no one would try it. But it had worked!

Then there was a crinkling sound and the ball made a face. A moment later he spat out a wad of something and shouted, "My god! Someone tried to assassinate me!"

Matsuo gave an inward sigh. Now there would be fallout from the attempt as he tried to ferret out who had done it.

Onsokumaru's fist hammered the table in rage. "How dare you make me try to choke to death by putting a piece of paper in my cookie! Everyone at this table will die! Sasuke!"

That made everyone at the table tense up. No one had expected such an order since it was beyond the pale. Who killed everyone for such a small transgression? And over a piece of paper that wouldn't choke an ant?

Before Sasuke could move, Shinobu said, "Wait. Let me investigate."

So, help from an unexpected quarter. Still, everyone remained subtly tense, waiting for anything.

Shinobu picked up the saliva-laden paper, sniffed it, then unfolded it. She squinted her eyes as she examined, it, then they widened as she hissed, "I can't believe it."

Onsokumaru was enraptured. "What is it?"

"I thought these were a myth," she softly intoned, awe in every word. "This is the legendary 'food of knowledge."

"That's 'fruit of knowledge', but you don't care," Sasuke corrected in a tired voice.

Both she and Onsokumaru continued staring. "Carried within this innocuous confection is the wisdom of the gods."

"That's amazing," Sasuke said.

"I know."

"That you not only said the word, 'innocuous', but used it in proper context," he clarified.

"I know," she repeated, then handed the paper to Onsokumaru. "Read and glean the knowledge of the gods."

The leader of the organization did so. "'Confucius say, Man with hole in pocket very handy guy.' True dat." A pocket appeared on his exterior and he put his hand in it. It moved around a bit, then he released a contented sigh.

Sasuke said, "I'll serve you faithfully for another year if you never do that again."

"No deal." He removed the hand and flipped the paper around. His eyes pored over it, and he gasped. "It says these are lucky numbers! These are fortune cookies indeed, since they've led us to a fortune. Someone send for a ninja to go out and play these numbers!"

Matsuo released an inward sigh and signaled for one to obey. He came out of concealment, read the numbers, then departed.

Onsokumaru tossed another one in his mouth, making disturbing moans as he did so. "I love this flavor. There's this faint taste I can't quite identify. Sort of almondy." He pulled out another strip of paper and read it. "'Never headbutt a rhino.' Now what does that mean?" He scratched his chin, then snapped his fingers. "Of course. Rhinos have hard heads and a horn. Headbutting them would be dangerous." He turned to Shinobu. "Cancel my appointment to go out to the animal preserve and headbutt a rhino. That was a close one."

Shinobu pulled a small notebook and pen from her cleavage and crossed something out.

Onsokumaru flipped the paper over. "Whoa! More lucky numbers. Someone get another ninja to play these, too. We're gonna be rich!"

Matsuo signaled again. It was times like these when he felt certain Onsokumaru and Shinobu were highly dangerous and only pretended to be witless fools. They overplayed their hand on occasions such as this. No one could be this stupid and that successful.

One of the lieutenants at the table cleared his throat. "I've been meaning to talk to you about the animal preserve, Hard Master. It has become obvious that Kraven's capture has proven a boon to us. We inherited custody of his animals and since we opened the preserve up to the public, we've been getting increasing revenue from them. Perhaps we should open one in every park."

"When did we become the evil version of Disneyland?" one of the other lieutenants muttered.

Onsokumaru said, "We have several spies in their organization. I'm not sure we're the evil ones in that equation."

The lieutenant conceded the point.

"On to more serious issues," Onsokumaru said gravely. "Again, babe recruitment disappoints me. It's only up 5% and most of them have this warped sense of beauty and don't think I'm handsome. We need to increase this unacceptably low percentage. I was thinking of using a modeling school as a front for recruitment. We'll get them young and mold them into ninjas. We'll train them to believe that runway walks involve sashaying, then throwing shurikens at targets. Climbing walls with grappling hooks is for rock climbing photo shoots. Fooling around with your boss is a way to get ahead." He began drooling again.

One of the lieutenants looked to another. "We have someone that might help with babe recruitment, actually. An advisor we've used on more than one occasion."

Matsuo had wondered what scheme the pair were up to when the word 'advisor' hit him. Sure enough, an elderly woman in Chinese garb, rather than traditional Japanese, entered. Madame Gao had been an advisor to the Hand since long before Matsuo's time. A tricky fox if ever there was one. It would be interesting in seeing how one such as her matched up with the highly unconventional leader of the Hand.

She bowed before Onsokumaru as he shoved another fortune cookie in his mouth. "I am Madame Gao, Hard Master."

Onsokumaru seemed impressed. "I take it you are in charge of our brothels?"

She shook her head, "You have been misinformed, Hard Master."

"WHAT?!" The yell was loud enough to make the table reverberate. "You dare call yourself a madame and don't run a brothel?! How dare you! As punishment for this affront, henceforth you will be referred to as 'Old Crone Gao'!"

One of the lieutenant's snickered. That would be Nakano. He and Gao had never gotten along.

Gao remained remarkably composed. "I am an advisor, Hard Master. I have served as one to the last four Hard Masters."

"Apparently you suck at your job, or you'd have given them advice that would have kept them alive."

Matsuo noted there was some truth in that brusque statement. Then again, only a fool trusted every word someone like Gao said. It was a leader's duty to separate wisdom from the chaff.

"The responsibility of life ultimately rests on the shoulders of the living. One can only give advice. Whether it is accepted, and how it is utilized, is up to the person given it."

All too true, Matsuo noted.

Gao went into her 'wizened sage' mode as Onsokumaru tossed another fortune cookie in his mouth, crinkling sounds following. "There has been concern about the direction the Hand has taken of late."

"It's not my fault. It's like it has a mind of its own." And indeed his hand strayed into his pocket again and began doing exactly what had happened before. Even Matsuo found it disconcerting, though he gave no outward indication of it. After all, eliciting a reaction had to be why the Hard Master was doing it.

"I meant our organization," Gao clarified. "It has been said that we have lost our way by allowing ourselves to become distracted by counter-productive endeavors."

Another cookie went into his mouth. "You mean the assassinations?"

Somehow, she managed to smile sweetly. "No. Pretty much everything other than the assassinations."

"You think ninja uniform production is distracting us?" He pulled another fortune out of his mouth and read it. Matsuo went ahead and ordered another ninja to play the numbers on the back.

"Everything not related directly to assassinations."

"I'm not sure what that would be."

Gao remained focused. "Amusement parks. They are among the distractions. They have never had anything to do with the Hand since they have nothing to do with the Hand. It has been said, 'One who strays from the path of proven success rarely arrives at his intended destination'."

Onsokumaru scratched his head with one hand while Sasuke literally grabbed the other one to prevent it from wandering into his pocket again. "I've heard that before."

"It is wise advice," Gao said, smiling.

"No, I mean I just heard it now." He went for a discarded wrapper and read it. "Ah, here it is. The exact same phrase."

Gao sighed. "Occasionally germs of knowledge can be found in unexpected places. But it is only the voice of experience that can be trusted with reliability."

"I read that one, too." Onsokumaru grabbed another one and shook it.

Nakano said, "Let me see that." It was handed to him. He flicked saliva from the paper and read. He looked to the others. "It does say it. Word for word." He stared meaningfully at Gao.

She said, "Do not mistake coincidence for destiny."

"I have that one, too." Onsokumaru waved the paper around and handed it to Nakano as well.

Nakano's stare was lethal. "Old Crone Gao-."

"You don't actually have to call me that," she hissed.

"Yes he does," Onsokumaru corrected.

"Old Crone Gao," he emphasized the first two words. "Do you mean to tell everyone that your much vaunted 'wisdom' is nothing more than the vacuous sayings on generic fortune cookies?"

Once Matsuo thought about it, to his horror, her wisdom had been like that of fortune cookies. Sounding contemplative while being broad and indistinct. Had she ever given actual deep advice?"

Everyone was staring at Gao suspiciously now. She said, "My advice is sound and the result of age and wisdom. I shall prove it." She picked up a cookie, broke it open and started to read it, munching on the cookie. She smirked. "It says, 'a healthy diet means watching what you eat.' I assure you I have never said such a ridiculous trite saying in my life. The advice in these are mindless…." She trailed off as she clutched her throat. A moment later her body began to convulse violently. She fell to the floor, continuing to convulse.

She was dead in less than a minute.

Nakano stood over her and gave a brief visual examination. "Cyanide poisoning."

"Oh, so that's what the almond taste was." Onsokumaru tossed another one in his mouth and made sounds of delight. "Delicious." He pulled out another paper. "'Don't believe everything you read'." Brilliant! I want that embroidered and hung up on the wall so everyone can read it. Whoa! More lucky numbers! We're going to be the wealthiest people on the planet. Woo hoo!"

Yes, Matsuo decided, he was definitely overdoing it. Only a pure genius could have ferreted out Gao and dispatched her with everyone's approval. The idiot act wouldn't fool anyone. They had perhaps the greatest leader ever in the history of the Hand.

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[End Omake.]

Like I always said, Shinobuden 2X2 and the Hand go together like two hands going around hand in hand. And yeah, I actually tied this to Kraven's capture. Let's hear it for continuity in world building.

And add Madame Gao to the list of Marvel canon characters that are deceased.