Chapter Two – Normal
"Dean, you awake?" Sam gently knocked on his brother's bedroom door and waited for a response that didn't come. He hadn't slept all night replaying the bitter scene from the night before and he just had to set things straight. He never wanted to hurt his brother like this, he just had to make Dean understand, to somehow make it right again.
He slumped to the floor, his back pressed against the door of his brother's bedroom, no longer knowing what he could possibly do to fix this. He was tired, tired of all the Winchesters' turmoil and grief, tired of their lifestyle. He knew he had to escape this life, this vengeance, but still the thought of leaving his brother tore him up inside.
Why couldn't Dean see that? Why couldn't he just try coming with him? Try living another life? Why was Dean so determined to live out this existence that Dad had forced upon them? He just didn't understand him. As close as they were, he had never understood his brother's blind obedience to a father who always seemed to pick battling evil over his own sons.
He was lost. Whenever he needed answers or help, he always turned to his brother. Dean had always been there for him: comforting him, guiding him, teaching him. He really needed his brother to understand and he wanted his brother's blessing. Man, the chance of getting that now is pretty nonexistent.
He was scared. It wasn't so easy taking off, leaving everything you've ever known and going halfway across the country to start a new life. As much as he wanted this, as much as he knew he had to leave, it still scared him.
And then he realized the thing that scared him the most was the thought of losing Dean. And then it really hit him. It wasn't just the thought of his brother being out of his life; it was the thought of him not existing anywhere, of Dean dying on one of Dad's hopeless quests.
Yeah, if he was being brutally honest with himself, that was his one true nightmare. If Dean refuses to stop this hunting that one day his luck will run out, and Sam couldn't bear the thought of not being there to save him, even though the truth was, his brother more often than not saved him. He just knew that with their job, sooner or later, someone was going to die, and he couldn't stand the thought that it could be Dean.
"Hey boys, where ya at?" John's booming voice rang out through the house. It was six in the morning and it was unusual for the Winchesters to not be up and about.
Sam wiped the tears that had slowly made their way down his face and solemnly walked down the stairs to greet his returning dad. John had been gone on a hunt for almost a week and they never knew when to expect him home. Normally Dean would have gone with him, but it was a minor job so he had stayed behind to research another gig.
Sam was grateful his dad hadn't come back earlier last night; it had been tough enough facing Dean over that phone call and he really didn't think he could have handled it if they had double-teamed him. Truth be told, he wasn't ready to face his dad on this matter period.
"Where's Dean?"
"Still sleeping, I guess."
"He parked his car in the yard. Does he want the neighbors complaining again? He better repark it before they get up and see it."
"I'll move it." Sam reached for the spare set of keys kept by the front door.
"Dean tie one on last night or what?"
"Yeah. I think he's sleeping it off; he didn't get in 'til late." Sam took the keys and headed out to move his brother's baby. Just the fact that Dean so carelessly parked her attested to his state of mind last night.
John waited until nine o'clock before he stormed up the stairs and banged on Dean's bedroom door.
"Rise and shine soldier, we got work to do." He turned and went back down the stairs to give Sam instructions on what supplies they would need for the job they would leave for by noon.
Dean stumbled from his bed looking like the winner in a frat boy drinking party game. Man, my head hurts, why did Dad have to come home today of all days? He grabbed some jeans and a clean t-shirt before heading down the hall for his salvation. He stepped into the warm embrace of a steaming hot shower and hoped his aching head and nauseous stomach would fade into memory.
Twenty minutes in the shower, alternating between hot and cold, served its purpose as he felt his head clear as much as a churning, mudrucked stream of chaos could clear while turmoil still ran beneath it. Damn you, Sam.
"Hey Dad, what's the job?" Dean greeted his dad as he slowly descended the stairs and walked into the living room. John sat in his chair looking over some of his notes, but looked up to evaluate the hung over condition of his older son. Dean didn't look ready to run a marathon, but his eyes were fairly clear and his walk was steady enough and John deemed he would be fit for the battle by tonight.
"Werewolves about three hours north of here causing some problems for the locals. I want to get up in time to check out the situation before nightfall. You better eat something; don't know next chance we'll get."
The last thing Dean wanted was food to mess with the delicate balance his stomach now struggled with. His gut was still twisting from all the liquor he consumed the night before. He'd take some granola bars and cheetos for later if he felt up to eating. For now all he needed was some aspirin and coffee, lots of coffee.
Sam came back into the room with a duffle bag filled with Dad's supply order and the brothers locked eyes. They both glared at the other, determined to win in this game of staredown. Sam looked for some sign whether Dean would spill the beans or keep his mouth shut. Sometimes he had a hard time getting a feel for what his brother's actions would be; as soon as he thought he had him figured out, he would go and do something totally out of character.
To say his brother was unique in his attitudes and actions would be an understatement. The only sure bet was he would always follow Dad's orders, other than that, all bets were off.
Don't sweat it Sammy, ain't no way I'm gonna break Dad's heart. I leave that joy to you. You made this mess, you're responsible for it.
"Dean, would ya watch how you park that car? I don't need the neighbors complaining again." Dad looked up from his papers to chastise his older son.
"Sorry Dad, I'll move her."
"Never mind, Sammy already did."
"Sam don't you go touchin' my car, you hear?" Dean snapped.
"Dean, what's with the attitude? Sam did you a favor. Would you rather I made you get up at six to move it? What's wrong with you?" John looked surprised at his older son's outburst.
"Nothin', Dad. Nothin'."
"OK then. There have been five mauling deaths up state. Sounds like a pack of werewolves. If we get up there by three we can check out the town and get set up for tonight." John explained.
Dean headed back upstairs to pack up a few extra clothes and his own personal weapons. Sam waited a few minutes trying to summon his courage before he followed, debating with himself exactly what he would say once he confronted his brother. As Dean rolled his jeans and stuffed them into his duffle bag, Sam approached and tried to mend their fractured relationship.
"Dean, you gonna tell Dad?"
"No."
"Thanks. I'm gonna tell him, I just don't know how."
"Well Sammy, I'm guessin' that's your problem. After all, if you're gonna be a big important person than I guess you need to know how to problem solve. Huh? Just make an executive decision. Handle the dirty laundry. Just don't pull me into your mess. I'm through protecting you, ya know?"
"What do you mean, protecting me? I don't need you to protect me. I'm eighteen, I'm a man. I have the right to my own life. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to leave you, but I need to live my own life. I need to try being normal."
"Yeah, well normal ain't all it's cracked up to be."
"How would you know, Dean? Since when have we ever been even close to normal?"
"Unlike you little brother, I don't want normal."
The frustration of this conversation was beginning to wear on Sam's nerves. He'd been round this bend a time or hundred before with his obstinate brother. He doubted this time would turn out any different; still he had to give it one more try, one last effort, for his brother's sake.
"Dean, haven't you ever considered not hunting?"
"You really want to know Sammy? Huh? You wanna know the truth?"
"Yeah Dean, I do."
"No. That answer your question? I don't think about not hunting, cause I know what's out there and if we don't kill it, who will?" The anger in Dean's voice was threatening, the passion of his beliefs fueling it.
"And what if it kills you? Don't you see Dean? If you don't stop this, you could die. If you don't stop hunting…. you'll be dead before you're thirty." Sam couldn't hide his despair at the prospect.
"Aren't you the optimist?" Dean's sarcasm was biting.
"Dean, I'm serious. Haven't you ever considered you could die because of Dad's vengeance?"
"Well, the reaper comes for us all, don't it brother?"
"Yeah, but no one will even know you were here. Don't you want to leave your mark on this world? Don't you want to be remembered?"
"So that's what this is about Sammy? Fame and recognition?"
"No, that's not what I meant. Don't you want to be missed when you're gone? Don't you want to accomplish something before you go?"
Sam was finding it difficult to express what he was feeling. Words which normally were his allies were not coming together in clear sentences. His meaning was getting twisted.
"See Sam, I thought I was doing something important and I always thought you'd miss me when I'm gone. But I guess according to you, I don't know nothin'."
The hurt look in Dean's eyes resurfaced and Sam felt his brother slipping away again, and he still didn't know how to reach him. He had thrown out a life preserver to try to save him, and his stubborn brother had turned and swam away once more, back into the churning ocean.
"Dean, I'm sorry. I just can't stay here and watch you or Dad die for something I don't believe in."
"Well Sammy, I guess if you don't understand by now…, what we're doing, why we're doing it, there ain't nothin' more for me to say…. It's been nice knowin' you bro."
Dean grabbed his bag and brushed past his brother and headed back down to his dad. His eyes glistened with the tears he would be damned if he would let fall. He was not going to let his brother break him. Go ahead, live your life. I got Dad's back. I can do the job without you. I got it covered.