Chapter Seven – Facing Fears
Since arriving at Joshua's, John had been noticeably absent from his injured son's bedside. He had spent his time with his good friend discussing their treatment options, planning their next moves, and plotting their strategies. He had left the comfort of his older son to Sam. He knew Sammy wanted to be with his brother and their close bond would offer Dean more support than he ever could.
He had never been much good at giving support or providing comfort. The tragic events of his life had only served to reinforce the natural toughness of his Marine training. He was a man of action, not a man for words and comfort. He had no words for his son, and he felt no comfort. All he felt was terror. He was immersed in the deepest fear and agony a father could endure.
His mind could not conceive of losing his son and his heart refused to even consider the possibility. His only means of coping was to deny the problem, therefore in a hard, neglectful way ignore his son. He just couldn't bear to be with him, knowing deep down in that place he refused to acknowledge that any moment with Dean could possibly be his last.
He would have been content to just continue having fleeting moments with Dean, a quick 'hey, son' in the morning and an equally short 'hang in there' in the evening. Any more contact with his injured son could only bring up the nagging doubts that this treatment would not work and John just couldn't face that prospect. He feared any contact with Dean would only reveal his doubts to his son with his heightened senses, and thus cause more fear and anxiety instead of offering up support.
Hell, who am I kidding? I just can't bear to see death hovering over my son, so fragile and weak, inching closer each day to claiming him as its own.
He was finally forced to confront his fears head on when Sam forcefully announced Dean had requested a visit from his too long absent father. Sam's eyes were condemning as he berated his dad for leaving his sons alone with their anguish for far too long. With trepidation greater than any he had ever felt facing evil over the past eighteen years; John entered Dean's room to face his older son and his fears.
Dean had been alone with his thoughts quite a lot over the past few days even though Sammy was constantly at his side. Dean had thought he was there too much actually, but he hated being alone, especially now. He liked having his brother with him even though he knew he was being selfish and it would have been better for Sam to be kept more at a distance.
During the times Sam slept, Dean's mind ran rampant. He himself slept very little, figuring he'd get enough sleep when he was dead. Now, that was a bad thought, let's try not to be so morbid!
As he lay awake at night pondering his fate his mind raced with thousands of thoughts, yet the subject that was at the forefront was this prospect of dying. He just couldn't keep his mind from traveling over that road time and again. Hell, it is something each of us will do, sooner or later. He just never thought he'd be in the sooner group, or shall we say the now group.
This was going to be tough, this dying. He always thought when he died it would be quick, in the heat of battle, in a blaze of glory: a bullet to the heart, a sharp claw ripping across his throat, a simple snap of the neck. He never anticipated knowing and waiting, pondering his own imminent demise and what his passing would do to his family.
Yeah, he was expecting it to be quick and easy, not drawn out and agonizing. Damn, he wasn't prepared for this. He wasn't sure if he could do this, but then again he really didn't have a choice in the matter. He didn't want to die. He wasn't ready to die, but here it was. Death waiting patiently for all hope to wane so it could collect its due.
He wanted to do this right, to somehow be brave and not make it any harder on his family. He wanted to make it easier for them, lessen their pain, hell he wanted to make it easier for himself. He just didn't know how to go about doing that. For all Dad's training and guidance, he didn't have a clue how to go about dying.
He just knew he didn't want to disappoint his dad. He couldn't disappoint his dad. He had to insure his last moments on this earth were strong and steadfast. Whatever happened he had to be brave, he had to hide any weakness he felt. Project a strong image and you'll gain strength. Yeah, right! Whoever thought up that crock of bull?
The one comfort he found was he was not in Sammy and Dad's position, having to again watch someone he loved die. As bad as this was gonna be, it was preferable to watching one of them die. He wouldn't trade places with either of them, heck he already had traded places with Sammy when he threw himself between his little brother and that rampaging werewolf. He didn't regret that act for a second. Sammy would live. He should be grateful for that blessing and accept the rest.
He wondered if this is what a condemned prisoner felt like heading to the execution chamber. It might be similar, but it couldn't really be the same, after all they would have committed a horrendous crime, a part of them would have to feel they deserved what was to come. What was his crime? What had he done to deserve this? Save his brother? Sacrifice himself for another?
God, it just wasn't fair, but he guessed that didn't really matter either. It may not be fair, but it certainly is. No escaping this. If it was going to happen he'd just have to face it. He was glad he had his dad to lean on. He hoped John could be strong this time, cause he knew if his dad fell apart, all bets would be off, and all hell would break loose.
He'd never experienced this feeling before concerning his own well being: this feeling of complete and total helplessness and panic. That sinking feeling in the deep recesses of your stomach that no attempt at bravado could temper. He had only felt this way before when he feared Sam was hurt or worse killed. He'd never had it concerning his own safety, but then again, he'd never faced such certain despair and hopelessness.
Just don't let me fall apart. Give me the strength to face this as a man. Give me the fortitude to do this the right way. A brave man dies but one death, a coward dies many. No dress rehearsals this time, this is the final act.
His dad entered his room with a look of absolute terror overwhelming his stress worn face. Dean couldn't remember ever seeing fear on his dad's face before and he found it interesting in a strange way. He could sense his dad would rather be anywhere but here in the room of his dying son. He really couldn't blame him; after all, he himself would rather be anywhere else but here.
"Hey son. You wanted to see me?"
Dean considered easing into the conversation, engaging in small talk before pulling out the big guns. He looked at the pained expression on his dad's face, the despair at having to address his oldest son on his death bed, and decided to cut his dad some slack and just get the whole damn conversation over with.
He mustered all the courage he had to confront his dad with what needed to be said. They were both men now, no sense ignoring the fuchsia elephant dancing through the room with bells on her toes. She sure as hell wasn't gonna just vanish cause they wanted her to.
"Dad, promise me if this doesn't work…. You know.., if you have to clean up this mess. Promise me you won't tell Sammy what you had to do. You know he wouldn't understand. You know he'd never forgive you. You can make up a story, clean it up. Will you do that Dad? Will you do that for both your sakes?"
Dean was trying to be brave, but he still felt the tears welling in his eyes. Please God, don't let them fall. Please let me keep my brave face on.
"Dean, don't talk about it, it's not going to come to that. Joshua's going to come through with the antidote. I'm not going to lose you. That's not happening."
John's pride in his son had never been stronger and he couldn't see how any decent God could let this young man die now in this senseless way. He refused to even consider the possibility. He wouldn't lose his son, he couldn't lose his son. And he sure as hell couldn't be the one to extinguish the light in those soulful eyes.
How could he be here with his son like this, having a conversation such as this in the first place? This is too surreal. Somebody please wake me up. Please take me back before any of this happened. Please, give me one more chance.
"Dad, you and I both know we have to face facts. We have to consider our options. You can't let me turn. We both couldn't live with it if I hurt someone. Hell, I could hurt you or Sammy. I know I couldn't live with that. Please Dad, promise me you'll take care of it." Dean pleaded with such deep emotion surging, his voice cracking at the end of his request. His eyes were deep pools of moisture, love and pain mixing with the anguish of placing his dad in this role.
"Dean, don't worry. I'll never let you hurt anyone."
John still didn't know what course of action he would take in the event the antidote didn't work, except he knew he could not take the life of his son; but somewhere in the dark recesses of his heart, he knew if Dean turned he would no longer be his son. God, if you do exist, then why the hell have you deserted us? How can you let this happen?
"Dad, I'm sorry this has to fall on you. I'm sorry I screwed up and put you in this position. I know it sucks, but it's what I want. I don't want to be a monster; I need you to be strong for me. I need you to do what needs to be done. Please Dad."
Dean hated asking his father to do him this service, but he had no one else to turn to, he certainly would never ask this of Sammy and he knew his brother could never fulfill this request. He wasn't sure if his dad could, but deep in his heart, he had confidence the hunter in his dad would do the right thing, even if the father could not.
Damn, this sure as hell sucked big time!
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Thanks to all my readers and reviewers. I can't personally thank the anon. reviews cause, duh they're anonymous, but thanks guys.
PM to Cruelty: love your reviews. Dean is heroic and insightful and Sam can be so annoying when he doesn't appreciate big brother (sorry Sam fans, I do love Sam, I just don't like how he sometimes treats Dean) Just curious if you have read my story, Reality of a One Night Stand? In it I address another pet peeve of mine concerning Sam's attitude and comments toward Dean. It does annoy me that Dean seems to let it slough off his back and it doesn't seem to bother him. Just my take on one night when it all comes to a head and he reacts to Sam's constant put downs, of course he still tries to protect his Sammy. I would love to know what you think if you are interested in reading it. Thanks again, B.J.