Chapter Eight - Chick Flick Moments

As Dean's prospects for a cure faded in his own mind, he considered his options. Not that he really had a hell of a lot of options. The truth was the only control he had over this situation was how he chose to handle it, how he conducted himself. He had already determined he was not going to fall apart. He was not going to beg for his life or rail against the cruelty of fate. That was not the Winchester way.

His greatest regret was leaving Sam when he needed him most. He knew Sammy would need his big brother to comfort him in his grief. Yeah, that would be a neat trick! With that option obviously not available he considered the next best thing. What words of wisdom could he leave his brother? What insight could he offer to help his brother through the trying times to come?

He thought back to losing his mom and he wondered what she might have told him if she had only known their last moments together would be the final ones they ever shared. What last words would she have wanted her son to hear? He then envisioned all the conversations that never were and the huge, gaping hole they left in his life.

With total despair he considered the prospect of leaving such a hole in Sam's life, of leaving words unspoken, conversations frozen in limbo, silently drifting through time and space never to be shared by the brothers. He then considered what he wanted his last words on this earth to be.

Damn, this is scary stuff, worse than facing any rawhead I might encounter. I can't believe I am actually considering this.

Dean's prime directive had always been followed as if it was carved in granite and cast down by Moses himself: no chick flick moments. He absolutely detested those touchy-feely, lovey-dovey, feel good moments that girls always want to watch at the movies and guys just want to barf their popcorn at.

Around the time Sam became a teenager and no longer wanted his brother's protective arms wrapped around him to shield him from the night terrors is when Dean proclaimed the new rules for the Winchester men to his kid brother.

Oh sure, Sam got away with a few tender exchanges: when Dean was dropped off the roof by that witch and smashed his left wrist, broke four ribs, one of which punctured his lung and suffered a concussion, or when Sam dislocated his shoulder and fractured his leg in two places when that poltergeist threw him into a brick wall, and most spectacularly, when John went missing for eight days and they found him near death lying in a pool of his own blood. Caught up in those moments, Dean had let his directive lapse, until they were all back on an emotional even keel.

From a very young age Dean had possessed the presence of mind to always follow orders. He was the perfect soldier after all. He was precise in his ability to listen, comprehend and execute all of Dad's orders with a detachment void of any emotional response. Now he suddenly realized he was the one preparing to break his own pre-eminent order. And I always thought Sam was the girl in the family!

As much as he hated the idea of sharing a warm and tender moment with his brother, he now realized if there was ever a time for such a moment, the time was upon them. If there was anything that needed saying, they better get if off their chests now, cause tomorrow might not come.

He knew he had loads of conversations he wanted to share with his brother. He had stories and advice on women, guns, tactics, cars, and oh, yeah….. life. He had so much he needed to tell his brother, so much wisdom he wanted to impart on the most important person in his life. So many memories….

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe…. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain….

Will I be lost? Will I become a faded, distant memory? Will Sammy hold me dear in his heart, like I've always held Mom? And then will he suffer the pain of that loss his entire life, just like I have? Man….so much shit going on here.

With his time running out, he suddenly realized how much Sam was going to miss out on if he died without telling him his stories, his thoughts, his memories. And then he again considered how much he had missed out on when Mom died.

Damn, why are we cursed? What God have we pissed off?

As he contemplated just how far he was willing to go towards that infinite Gilmore Girls' chat fest he unexpectedly found humor in their situation. Damn, maybe they should bring Dad in for some deep emotional bonding time. He was sure he would jump right in, sharing his secret dreams and hopes, revealing his true thoughts, and pulling his sons close to him in an emotional embrace. He could envision a truly spiritual experience happening between the Winchester men.

Yeah, he could sure see that happening in this lifetime…..huh, lifetime, never really thought about that in the past tense before.

Once more the desperate reality of his situation took hold and he was thrust back into the hell his life had become. With the weight of the world now bearing down upon his shoulders he considered how normal their lives would have been if not for that Demon coming into their home eighteen years before.

In rare times of reflection like this, he remembered his dad being different, being comforting and loving. He remembered shamelessly falling into his mom and dad's arms and receiving all the hugs and kisses he desired, and he remembered wanting lots and lots of hugs and kisses. Guess I've changed, huh?

He remembered being a happy, carefree kid just bursting forth with life. Funny how that kid turned into the fucked up man lying here waiting to die. Maybe, on second thought, he didn't have any words of wisdom for his brother. Maybe all he had was anguish and the pain of knowing too much and understanding too little.

A far away look settled in his eyes. His mind focusing on past lives, and future lives that would never be. Any possible future once more blurred, obscured from his view, lost in the crushing reality of his situation and his imminent doom.

Yeah, if he was being straight with himself he would admit that maybe this hunting life wasn't all he made it out to be. Maybe in another time.., in a different place.., he would have been happy living another life…., God forbid a "normal" life. Yeah, maybe he would have even been happy…. It had just been so long….and he now knew too much to ever go back again. Still….

Maybe if I was being totally honest, I would admit that I could use a hug about now, that deep down, I wish Mom was here to hug me and tell me everything was going to be all right like she used to. God, I miss Mom.

Damn, here come those tears again. I gotta stop going to those places, I gotta be strong.

"Dean, did you get any sleep?" Sam asked.

Dean was startled, not realizing Sam had returned to his room until he broke into his thoughts. He looked deep into his brother's eyes and again found his purpose. He remembered his mission, once more finding comfort in the certainty of why he was alive in the first place. Protect your brother. Protect Sammy.

Here we go. Onward into uncharted territory. Steady she goes. Don't think, just say it.

"Yeah, I got a little. Sam….there's a few things I need to tell you."

"What Dean? What are you thinking?" Sam asked, concern springing forth from the serious expression spread across his brother's face.

Dean looked so serious, so worried, and that made Sam worried.

All right Dean, just spit it out. You can do this. Sammy needs to hear it.

"Sam, you know I love you. Right?"

"What?"

"You heard me; don't go expecting me to repeat myself."

Sam just stared at his brother, as tears again welled in his eyes.

"Oh, come on now. It's not that scary a thought now, is it?" Dean tried to joke, once more trying to hide his emotional state and shaky vulnerability.

Sam just stared at his brother, tears rolling down his face.

"Sam, would ya say something?"

"You're saying goodbye. Please don't do that. Don't."

"Oh, come on now. What's with you? Did you get into Joshua's stash?" Dean tried to flash his everything's cool smile, but it faltered after the briefest moment and was replaced by a desperate, nervous attempt at a smile. Come on now Sammy, don't fall apart on me. Don't do this to me.

Sam just stared at him, tears filling his eyes. Dean cleared his throat, damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead.

"All right now, listen up. You're my kid brother and I love you. That's it. I am not saying it again. Now go on. Get outta here." Dean waited for some response, some reaction from his little brother. After what seemed like an eternity, Sam finally broke through the unsettling quiet, softly whispering his response.

"Dean, I love you too."

"Well, it took you long enough to say it. You really had to consider your choices there didn't you?" Dean cracked, relieved this moment hadn't turned into a total tear fest.

"You jerk. If you weren't sick I'd pound you for that." Sam was suddenly more in control.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

The brothers just stood staring at each other. The truth finally out in the open and the heavens had not yet opened up and rained down the apocalypse. Dean then considered going further.

What the hell, what's the worst that can happen? I guess God could strike me dead. Huh, big threat!

"Sammy, you know I'm proud of you, right?"

"You are?" Sam looked up, straight into his brother's eyes, wonder filling his melancholy eyes.

In that moment, Dean knew he was doing the right thing. He could see his brother light up and he knew with certainty Sammy did need to hear this. Ever since that first time when he held his baby brother at the hospital the night he was born, Dean would do anything to give Sammy what he needed, even subject himself to this chick flick moment.

"Yeah Sammy, I am. You've all right…, for a kid brother. I wish I could tell you all the times you made me smile when I thought I was gonna lose it. You've always given me something to hold on to, you know? With all the bad stuff we see…, it was nice knowing you were in this world, that something good could still exist, something pure and unspoiled."

"Dean, I don't know what to say. You were the one who always made it seem OK. Even when things were really bad, I always knew I could count on you. You've always looked after me. I know that."

"Good…. Sammy.., I'm sorry if I let you down now… I'm sorry…. I'm sorry if I'm not there when you need me. I want to be. I've always wanted to…." Dean's eyes started misting up, this chick flick moment finally getting to him. He looked into his brother's eyes to see the same moisture filling his eyes. Damnit!

"I know…. We're gonna get through this. I know we are." Sam offered, his hand firmly grasping his brother's arm. Dean felt his strength returning, his façade once more slipping into place.

"Yeah? Well, you're not gonna be rid of me yet. I've got to keep your ass in line. You better mind your P's and Q's off at that big fancy college. You don't want me coming out there and kicking your butt now."

"You can come try anytime you feel lucky."

"Lucky? You are so gonna pay for that, kiddo."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah!... Hey Sammy, seeing as how you're such a brain going off to some high falutin college, you wanna explain what the hell that means anyway, 'minding your P's and Q's'?"

"You really want to know?"

"Yeah, inquiring minds want to know."

"Well, back when they were first setting type by hand, the p and q were lower case letters that were mirror images of each other and were commonly confused. They were next to each other in the trays and it was just a reminder to the typesetter to be careful not to switch them."

Dean took a moment and just stared at his brother in complete disbelief.

"Oh my God! You are a geek!" Dean grinned.

"Hey, you said you wanted to know." Sam answered defensively.

"Yeah, I did." Thanks Sammy, now I can go to my grave with all life's questions answered.

The brothers just stared at each other for a moment longer. Sam's eyes started filling with tears again with the stagnant air giving his mind more time to ponder their dire situation. Dean broke the silence before they both descended into the pools of despair once more.

"OK then…. Chick Flick Moment officially over. Why don't you go see what's keeping Joshua. I think it's time for my next shot and I sure as hell don't wanna be late for that!"

Dean watched with tears in his eyes as his brother left his room to search out Joshua. I don't want to leave you Sammy. I've always wanted to be there for you. I just know now that I'm not gonna be, and I'm so sorry. Sammy, remember me.

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