"Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?"

- Clarence in It's a Wonderful Life

Chapter Fourteen - Journey

"Dean, wake up now. Did you stay up late watching movies again? Doesn't your father give you a curfew?"

"What? No, I wasn't watching movies. What the hell?"

"Dean, I told you, that language will not do in my class. This is my house; you need to respect my rules."

"Yes ma'am. Sorry, Mrs. Denton…….What? Where am I? What the Fuc…, sorry Mrs. D. Aren't you dead? Am I ….?"

"No, not yet. This is where you decide which side you'll be on."

"You mean good or evil?"

"No, alive or dead."

"I have a choice?"

"That depends."

"On what?"

"You'll find out. Let's take a journey."

"Where we going Mrs. D?"

"Let's take a look at your life. Have you ever examined your life? Really looked at it? Considered the choices you made and how they brought you to where you are? Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference. Why did you take the path you chose, Dean?"

"I didn't have a choice. It was made for me."

"Dean, that's a cop out. You always have a choice."

"Yeah right, tell it to the drill sergeant."

"And who would that be?"

"Why, Dad of course. Look Mrs. D., no offense, but I don't think I should be discussing this with you. I don't think Dad would approve."

"Then we're in luck, your dad's not here. You can speak freely. So what do you want to tell me about your family?"

"Nothing…. Can I see them? Is Sammy all right?"

"Sammy's your brother as I recall. You were always very protective of him. Sounds like you still are. Why is that? Why are you responsible for him? Isn't that your dad's job?"

"Dad's real busy. He has very important work. I help out all I can."

"Very noble of you Dean, but still, you were quite young, who looked out for you?"

"I didn't need anyone looking out for me. I took care of myself."

"Uh huh. We'll get back to that. Now tell me about your brother. Tell me about Sam."

"Oh Sam, he's the best. He's so smart, a real brain, top of his class. Never takes the easy answer, always demanding to know why, always pushing for reasons, you know?"

"You admire that?"

"Well yeah, everyone admires Sam. I told you, he's the best."

"Does your dad admire him?"

"Oh yeah."

"What is it Dean? What else?"

"What? There's nothing else. Dad admires Sam, Dad loves Sam."

"He admires and loves you too, doesn't he?"

"Of course, he's my dad. Don't Dads love their sons?"

"Why are you asking me?"

"I'm not asking, I'm telling you. Dad loves me."

"Does he admire you?"

"What's to admire?"

"You're a good son, aren't you?"

"I try. I do everything he asks of me…."

"Dean, we're alone, you can tell me. What's bothering you? Please, I'm your friend, you can tell me."

"Oh, it's nothing….It's just Dad doesn't really look at me. It's just sometimes… I don't think Dad really sees me, you know? Sometimes I don't see myself, I just do what's expected and I don't know where Dad's soldier ends and where I begin. I don't know, I just feel sometimes like…."

"Yes?"

"Oh hell, what's the point? Dad needs me to do a job and I do it. End of story."

"Dean, do you love your life?"

"What the hell? Sorry Mrs. D., what kind of question is that?"

"You've got to love life to have life, and you've got to have life to love life….It's what they call a vicious circle. Dean, do you love life? Do you want to live?"

"Hey, that's from Our Town. Sammy did that play when he was twelve. It was cute, he was good. He played the stage manager. Had a lot of lines to remember and he didn't forget any of them."

"Dean, we'll get back to that. Now answer my question."

"What question?"

"Do you love life? Do you want to live?"

"I need to protect Sammy; I need to keep my family from self-destructing. Yeah, I want to live."

"That's not what I asked. I asked if you loved your life."

"Look, it is what it is. This is getting us nowhere, am I living or dying?"

"We'll see."

"Mrs. D?"

"Yes Dean."

"Why are you here? I mean, could it be anyone who's died? Could my mom have come?"

"You would have liked that?"

"Of course. Can she come now?"

"If she came would you want to stay with her? Would that influence your decision on living or dying?"

"I don't know…., maybe."

"I know."

"Let's talk about this play, Our Town. Do you remember studying it in my class?"

"Yeah, I liked it. It made a lot of sense."

"You know a lot of scholars early on dismissed it as sentimental and simple. Some even called it corny, said Wilder was preaching old-fashioned ideals to a modern world that was too sophisticated for his play."

"Just goes to show, some of those so-called great minds can't see the truth in anything."

"So you saw truth in the play?"

"Hell, yeah. You know, it had everything - life, death and everything in between."

"Yes, that's it in a nutshell. Very intuitive for such a young man, or I guess you were just a boy when you first saw it. How did you grasp the greatness of this play at such a young age when those so-called experts didn't?"

"Did they actually see the play? And they didn't get it? Beats me. Seemed damn straight to me, uh sorry."

"Most folks have to live enough of a life to really comprehend the significance of this play. Children usually don't have the life experience to understand all the subtle ramifications and truths. Why do you think you understood at such a young age?"

"I guess I'd lived. Hey, maybe I'm just an old soul!"

"Yes, I remember. You always seemed wise beyond your years, always seemed like you had seen far more than any boy of sixteen should ever bear witness to. What did you see, Dean?"

"I've seen stuff you wouldn't believe. Stuff I can hardly believe, but there it is staring back at you, kinda hard to deny. And I've seen people die…, lots of people."

"How sad. And you faced all this? Weren't you scared?"

"Sometimes…, but you just have to do what needs done. You just do the job. Someone has to stand up against evil, someone has to fight back."

"And that's what you do? You fight evil?"

"Yeah, the family business."

"So that's what your father does?"

"Yeah, that's why he's gone so much; evil doesn't exactly stop by the house and ask to get killed. You kinda have to go where it is."

"So, he seeks out evil to kill it? And he lets you do this with him?"

"Yeah, he trains us so we're prepared, so we can protect ourselves and help people. We've saved a lot of people."

"Like I said, very noble."

"Mrs. D, so what's the verdict here? Living or dying?"

"Are you afraid to die? Have you thought much about dying?"

"All I've thought about for the last five days. Yeah, believe me, I've thought about dying, kinda hard not to when you face it all the time…, especially lately."

"So…, are you afraid?"

"No. Not really…, at least not now. I mean, look at you, looking pretty good for being dead six years!"

"You always were a charmer. I treasured your visits to the hospital. You truly had empathy for those faced with death. You were a big comfort to me in my final days. Did I ever tell you that? You were. Your smile lit up the room when you came to visit me. The other patients in the ward would ask when my charming young man was coming to visit. They always looked forward to your visits, as did I."

"Really? Good. You know, I really thought you were gonna make it. You had such a passion for life; I just couldn't imagine how you couldn't."

"I know. I thought I was going to make it too, until the end. Then I knew. Everything became so clear in the end, I saw everything and I understood."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. Nothing like facing the old reaper to get your priorities straight…. Mrs. D.., I miss you."

"I know."

"So what's it like? I mean do you come back and observe like Emily did or is it too hard? Man, I have a few people I'd like to spy on. That could get very interesting!"

"Not really. Wilder had that right, the dead don't stay interested in living people for very long. Gradually, you lose hold of the earth…and the ambitions you had…and the pleasures you had… and the things you suffered…and the people you loved. You wait for the eternal part to come clear. So Dean, are you ready to forget everything you knew here on earth?"

"No. I told you I need to protect Sammy; I need to help my dad. I have to go back, my family needs me. I need to live. I have a job to do."

"Sorry Dean, that's not good enough."

"What the hell do you want from me? Sorry, but what? Everyone always wants something."

"What do you want, Dean? What do you want for Dean?"

"I want my family to be safe. I want us to be a family. Is that too much to ask?"

"Of course not, but there's more. There has to be more."

"Why? Why isn't that enough?"

"It's just not. Let's talk about your Dad."

"He doesn't like us talking about him unless we have to cover our trail. Not much to say anyway. He takes care of us and he loves us. That's all."

"Somehow, I know there's more. Why does he leave you alone so much? Why didn't he come to school and talk to your teachers. You know, I never met him."

"I told you what he does. He doesn't have a lot of spare time. Evil never rests, you know? He has responsibilities."

"Isn't taking care of his sons his responsibility?"

"Look, we're fine. He does what he can and I take care of the rest."

"All right Dean, have it your way."

"It's not my way; it's the way it is. Look…., Sammy's here."

"My, my he's certainly grown up, hasn't he? Do you still feel the need to protect him?"

"Of course, he's my brother. He needs me."

"What else does he need?"

"What? What do you mean?"

"Don't play dumb Dean, you were never dumb. A bit lazy sometimes, or shall I say distracted; but you could always do the work, sometimes you just chose not to."

"I could never scam you, could I Mrs. D?"

"Oh, you tried… in the beginning. You always had charisma; I think you charmed your way through some of your harder classes. Even I was tempted by your ways, but I knew someone had to show you a firm hand, and look how you responded. You were one of my best students ever, a real joy."

"Yeah? You were my favorite teacher. I actually wanted to go to your class, and believe me, that was a new experience."

"Thank you Dean, that means a lot. Now back to my question. What else does your brother want? What does he need?"

Silence

"Dean, you know what the answer is, just say it. Pretending it isn't true isn't going to make it go away."

"He wants to leave, all right? He wants to desert his family and go off to college."

"You mean he wants to desert you. He wants to leave you."

"Yeah, that's what I said."

"Dean, can you let him? Can you give your brother what he wants? Can you give him what he needs?"

"I don't know. I've always tried to give him everything, but…."

"Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"Is that what you want, to keep your brother with you? To just this once be selfish and have him stay with you?"

"Yeah, I guess. I mean, I don't want to make him stay. I want him to want to stay…. Oh crap, he hates this life."

"And you love it."

"Yeah…., it makes me feel important. Like what I am and what I do matters."

"So Dean, you love your life?"

"Yeah, I guess I do."

"That's what we needed to know."

"So, that's it? I'm going to live?"

"Yes Dean, you're going to live."

"Mrs. D?"

"Yes."

"I know my mom maybe has released this world and the people she loved, but…. can you tell her I miss her? Tell her I'll always love her."

"She knows, but I'll tell her. You know Dean, she's always with you, safe in your heart."

"Yeah? That's nice. Mrs. D…. You're there too."

"Where Dean?"

"In my heart. I just wanted you to know."

"Thank you Dean. You best get on back to your family now. Sammy's looking mighty concerned. He must love you very much. It must be hard for him to leave you behind."

"Yeah, I guess. I'm gonna miss him."

"I'm going to miss you Dean. You be careful, I don't want to see you again for a very long time. And Dean…."

"Yeah, Mrs. D."

"Sometimes the greatest gift we can give someone is to let them take care of us too. No man is an island, let your family help you sometimes."

"I don't know Mrs. D, that would depend on them noticing I need help."

"Dean try, maybe you could show them."

"Sorry Mrs. D, I don't see that happening any time soon."

"Dean, when the time comes and you need help, ask. They will be there for you."

"Sure. Goodbye Mrs. D."

"Goodbye Dean."

---------------------------------------------------

Tip of the hat to H.T. Marie and her wonderful story Living Out Loud, definitely an influence on this story and an overall inspiration.