First of all, let me make it clear that this is not yaoi. It is not an Edward - Roy pairing or anything like that...this is a comedy, and it really isn't in any way X-rated...
Well, we all know Edward and Al were effectively orphaned at an early age, so I think that brings up an interesting question. Just who would it have been that gave Edward "THAT little talk..."? You know the one...
In my opinion, it would probably make sense that Izumi or perhaps her husband had explained things to the boys (or else they picked it up on the streets, or came across it when they were like 6 or something)...but I also think there might be a more entertainingexplanation...(although now that I think about it, Izumi explaining sex to Edward and Alphonse or Edward and Alphonse coming across it in a book might also have some comedic possibilities...)
Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, and I don't own the characters--they're all Hiromu Arakawa's. I'm just borrowing them for a little bit, and I promise to give them back when I'm through with them.
Edward Learns About the Birds and the Bees
"Tell Edward to get in here," said Roy Mustang ordered Lt. Hawkeye.
"Yes Sir." With that, Hawkeye disappeared into the corridor outside. A few minutes later, she returned, young Edward and Alphonse Elric in tow. Looking uncomfortable, as if they had a sense that something was about to happen, the two boys made their way into the room and stood before the Colonel.
"Thank you, Lieutenant, that will be all. The rest of you can go as well," he said to the rest of his cronies, who were all milling about the office. For a moment, he looked Alphonse up and down, as if taking something into consideration before coming to a decision. "Alphonse, you can leave as well. I want to talk to Fullmetal alone."
"But I just got here..."
"Just go wait for me Al. I won't be long, right Colonel?"
Outside in the corridor, Colonel Mustang's subordinates gathered. Alphonse stood only a short distance away. "Hey, Hawkeye, do you know what that was about?" Lt. Havoc asked in a hushed voice.
"No, I don't," she said.
Back inside the office, Roy bid Edward to sit down. "How old are you now, Edward?" asked the Colonel.
"Almost twelve," answered Edward.
"Twelve, eh?" The Colonel smiled, perhaps a bit ruefully. "And has anyone ever taken the time to explain 'the facts of life' to you?"
"The facts of life? What are you talking about? I know about life..." said Edward, as he pulled out his "travel log." "Water, 35 liters, Carbon, 20 KG..."
"Not that Edward. The 'facts of life' that I'm talking about can't be found in that book you're holding. The facts of life that I'm talking about are better found in a book like this!" Roy pulled out a little black book from his pocket and held it up for Edward to see, as if it were some sort of sacred and valuable artifact.
"Huh? What's that?"
Roy opened the book and began to read. "Amy Anderson, 555-4697, Laura Ballard, 555-9679, Tabatha Beatty, 555-6460, extension 949," Roy read solomnly. "These are the kind of elements involved in the 'facts of life' I'm talking about." With dramatic flair, Roy snapped the book shut.
"I'm still not following you..." said Edward, raising one eyebrow. "Is that some kind of code?"
"Mmm? Code?" Roy, who had drifted off for a moment into daydreaming, slipped back into reality. "I suppose there is a certain 'code' that goes along with it...the exchange of little meaningful glances, the social niceties...and there is what we call the 'third date' rule..."
Edward still looked confused. "I don't think I get it. What happens on the third of what date?"
Roy spread out his arms in a symbolic gesture. "Love, Edward! Love happens!"
Edward blinked. "Love...?"
"Love makes the world go 'round!" said the Colonel in a sing-song voice. "All you need is love! "
"What are you talking about?"
"The birds and the bees, are flying in the trees..." sang the Colonel.
Edward stared blankly at the madman before him, who had begun quoting songs from a different time and a different world...
Roy spoke more calmly. "What I'm talking about here, Edward, is this...the desire to propagate the species, to procreate, to create human life..."
Edward's expression grew dark. He spoke quietly. "Creating human life...that's a taboo..."
"Yes, I suppose some would call it a taboo subject..."
"...A taboo that my brother and I know about all too well because we..."
"What's this Edward?" the Colonel shouted loud enough for all of Central HQ to hear. "Not even twelve years old, and you already know ALL about it? What?! This is unheard of! And you say your brother has done it as well?! How shocking, especially if you consider that he's eleven years old and doesn't even have a physical body...! So who is it you've been fooling around with? Maybe that cute mechanic of yours?!"
"What? What has Winry got to do with this? Damn it, you're not making any sense--my head hurts!"
"This is quite disturbing...!"
Just then, the door flew open and Lt. Hawkeye burst into the office. "Excuse me sir, I know I shouldn't have been listening through the door, but I have to interrupt this madness before it goes any further! I think you've seriously botched this up, sir!"
"Alright then," said Roy, smiling cheerfully. "I'll leave this matter to you,Lieutenant." Roy got up from his desk, and casually brushing past a slack-jawed Lt. Hawkeye, made his exit.
"Uh, Lieutenant?"
Agitated, Lt. Hawkeye let out a sigh. "That man...just a minute Edward, let me gather my thoughts, and then I'll try to explain..."
And that's how Edward Elric learned about the birds and bees.
(end)