"Kikyou. You made a deal with me. You can't let this get in the way. You will get what you please, if you stick with the plan. Remember, this will not alter the plan. Tonight, Kagome will be killed, then you are free to take that half breed's life."
It hurt so bad to know that she never was and never would be the one Inuyasha truly loved. She knew how he cared for Kikyou and she knew that he would never forget about her. She never asked him to forget her. And she never would. She would only slump over, holding her sore hands in her lap, listening to those footsteps race through the forest as she cried like a heavy rain cloud, burst from the pressure of it all.
"Tell me the truth...did you ever love me?" She called the question to the cold air that swiped and tickled at her wet cheeks. She shook her head, a short sob choking out as she slumped even farther over until the flowers caressed her burning cheeks.
"Kagome..." He breathed her name, his voice choking with the guilt that swarmed his brain. She had heard every single word, hadn't she? That was why she kneeled in that flower crowded field, her hands wrapped around her in a tight self-embrace. He couldn't help but hang his head in complete shame. She wasn't supposed to ever know what he had done with Kikyou so long ago. Neither was the priestess herself. It was supposed to be his own secret that killed him inside every day of his life.
The inu hanyou stepped forward, reaching out a clawed hand to touch her. The tips of his nails traced against the back of her black silken head. That soft feel against his fingers. Kikyou didn't have than in her course raven hair. She didn't have those shining, flowing, tresses he died to run his fingers through time and time again.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" Kagome screamed, her head dipping farther to escape the sweet feel of his fingers that had once traced over Kikyou's face. She didn't want him to hug her anymore, because she could almost tell how tears were forming behind his eyes. But he would not cry. He had made that painfully clear to her.
"Kagome…I-" The hanyou tried to explain, his fingers jerking back in shock of her raised and choking voice. Not Kagome. Not his Kagome. She would never reject him like that. What had he done to the bright girl he once knew and loved?
"Stop it! Shut up! I heard enough back there." She ordered, her voice cracking with her tears. Her hands slipped down to brace herself against the grassy bottom. Her fingers twisted in the green and yellow blurs of color. Things she once found beautiful and exciting were nothing but gray blobs to her now.
"Kagome…" Inuyasha struggled to push out again, only to have his words stop in his throat. What could he possibly say to her? He couldn't touch her. He couldn't bring her into a hug or kiss her face, kiss those horrible tears away. There was no way she would let him now.
"You lied to me...You lied to me! You never said anything about that when you told me about your past life. You lied." Kagome pushed onto him, letting him know just how much she had found out. Just to show him she wasn't as stupid as he dared to call her.
"I just left out some little thing, Kagome. I-" He cried back, fighting down the guilt in his mind that agreed with her. He was a liar. A dirty liar who would rather break than tell the complete truth.
Each word he spoke made Kagome become more rigid, made her frail body crunch together. It bent her and would continue to bend her until she snapped. But how could he back down and let her win? Even if it meant keeping the only girl who made him smile. Even with those tears sliding down her red tinged skin. He could smell each one so clearly that he could almost count each and every one that fell from her lashes.
"Little? Little! You got her pregnant, Inuyasha!" Kagome screamed, twisting around to glare him in the eye. It froze the hanyou to the spot, his eyes wide at the never ending streaks of tears that spilled down her beautiful face. She was way too beautiful for that; way to precious to be crying so hard.
"It's not like I meant to do it!" Inuyasha snapped back, forcing his eyes to narrow at her red face. But she looked so sad, so broken inside. He could only wonder how long he could stand there with that mad expression, bending her until she was about to snap, before he gave in.
"While you're always thinking of her…I'm always thinking of you…I just though you should know…" Kagome confessed, her knees slowly sinking in against her heaving chest. She could barely talk through her constant sobs. It hurt undeniably to be lied to when you didn't know the feeling.
"You don't understand! I-" Again, his words of explanation were cut short by her cracked voice.
"No, YOU don't understand! You never will...Has no one told you she's not breathing?" Kagome screamed back, twirling on her legs as she straightened and stood up, hands clenching into raged fists at her side as a scowl twisted over her features.
Velvet dog ears flicked back, pinning to his skull at the sound of her screeching voice. It was so loud, like a burning blade had been swiped across the top of his head, cutting his ears clean off though the sound remained long after. He just wished she would stop screaming; stop crying; stop breaking his heart.
"I know that..." He whispered, gulping softly as his bloodshot eyes cast away from her. Still, the expression of hate and sorrow on her face remained in his vision and scent of her tears lingered in his nose.
"I was just wondering...Because...nevermind. Whatever you want, Inuyasha. I'm just mad. I guess...I just realized that I'm not sleeping. So...it isn't a dream." She commented, sinking back, her arms wrapping around her again, rejecting his arms that itched to clasp around her and stop her never ending tears.
"Cry me an ocean, why don't you!" He suddenly barked, his eyes shining and glinting at the rims. She wanted to believe they were tears, just to know that she had gotten it through his thick skull that he was a dirty, rotten, two timing liar.
"I hate her! I can't help but hate her! I want to be her! I want to be Kikyou!" She screamed back, holding tightly to her arms as if blood spilled down them from a deep wound. But the only wound on her was the wound that was held inside, that gaping hole in her heart that not even he could fill anymore.
He swallowed, his eyes snapping wide and those perky dog ears drooping at her hateful words. His Kagome would never hate anyone. This wasn't Kagome. Not the Kagome he knew. He had changed her somehow. He had changed all that he loved about her. The two girls he couldn't bear to lose would tear each other apart at any chance they got. It was crystal clear now.
"Why? Why would you ever want to be her?" He asked, the irritable glare washing from his eyes with the more shine that gathered at the rims of his eyes.
"Because you seem to care about her so much more than you care about me…Because you love her!" She reasoned, the scream rising into her voice again that she just couldn't hold down anymore. Each and every miserable memory was spinning inside of her, buzzing in her head, forcing her hate out in words that made no sense to her or to him. She said everything she meant and everything she didn't. She could only keep confessing these things she thought she would never say aloud.
"I care about you, Kagome! Can't you see that? Are you really that stupid?" Inuyasha retorted, his fists slowly uncurling as Kagome's rage grew and grew to something that was bigger than Inuyasha; something he couldn't fight.
She fought the want to wrap her arms around him. She fought it down and made herself remember the horrible truth that this boy in front of her was a liar. How was she really supposed to take in his words like abandoned kittens, soaked from the unmerciful rain they were thrown in? How was she ever supposed to believe him anymore?
"No! That's not what I meant…I mean…I meant…I'm just a friend, Inuyasha! I guess that's all I'll ever be. Just a stupid girl. A wench!" Kagome screamed, insulting herself crazily, her hands flinging up to clench in her hair. She stood there, her knees nearly buckling when all the hanyou could do was stand aside and watch his lies crumble her to pieces.
"Stop insulting yourself! Kagome, you are NOT a wench! You're not stupid!" He suddenly shot back, stepping closer, swiping at her hand to try to comfort her. It was painfully clear how she didn't want him to touch her, how she backed away, making as much distance between them as she dared.
"Yes I am! You know how I know? Because YOU called me those things, Inuyasha...You gave me those names!" She called back, a few more tears trickling down her cheeks from her laced lashes as she shut her eyes tightly. Anything to get the sight from him from her eyes and brain.
"N-No...You're going completely insane!" Inuyasha tried to defend himself, but his own words leaked back into his mind. Had he not just called her stupid but a few moments before? So she was right. Everything she said about him was the truth. But how much about him did she not know and couldn't throw in his face? How he didn't dare to admit that he needed her. He was too proud to say he needed her.
Kagome's hands slipped from her hair to push over her ears at his words. She didn't want to listen, she didn't want to hear him at all anymore. She could only imagine a quiet place, maybe that peaceful waterfall only a few steps away. She could barely hear the trickle of water of the crystalline falls
"No I'm not! I'm just mad, I'm so mad! She's living my life, Inuyasha! She's everywhere I want to be and has everything I've ever wanted." She admitted, her hands dropping from her ears to stare him straight and firmly in the eye, tears dripping from her own. "I want you to be happy...I just want you to be happy. I've always just wanted you to be happy. I'm not asking you to forget her...I'm not asking you to let her go...I'm not standing in your way...I'm asking you to forget ME. I just want things to go right for once. I want what's best for you...but at the same time I hate you, Inuyasha! I just hate you! I hate everything about you!" She suddenly screamed, letting the words tumble out, red flooding over her eyes and body. All she saw was Inuyasha kissing that retched clay doll of his. All she could hear was the sickening sound of their kisses and that horrible word. So she let herself hate for the first time in her life.
She let those people who she had once forgiven tumble out of her suitcase heart, the latch that strapped them all in finally snapping. She let herself hate them all. Hojou, her teachers, that stupid waitress, that boy who shoved her, Jokku and his buddies, the kids at school, Eri, Yuka, Ayumi, Kikyou, but most of all, Inuyasha.
She convinced herself, fists clenching, tears falling, that she hated Inuyasha. She hated him more than anyone else and more than she ever had. She said it over and over in her mind until a single thought slipped in through the million, crowding, red hot hate.
'So why do I love you?'
"Fine, Kagome! Hate me! Hate me today! Hate me tomorrow!" Inuyasha screamed back after what seemed like the longest pause of deafening silence. He screamed it with all his might, with all he had before he stopped dead.
His ears sank in a snap, his eyes trailing downward as the fiery embers in his eyes were put out by the water at the rims of his bloodshot eyes. He dared to reach two fingers up and touch his eye to pull back and stare down at the salty liquid that had joined Kagome's. He closed his eyes, blinked them away. Boys don't cry. But he couldn't hold in that last lie. It wasn't fine. Nothing was fine anymore. His hands flung up to rip at his hair, biting back his ego and pride as he screamed out three words that told her plain out that he did care, and he wanted to erase what he ears had heard: "Take it back!"
"No." The enraged miko refused firmly, stepping back, away from the teary eyed inu hanyou. It was hard to leave him like that, but she forced the truth into her mind. But if he was such a liar and all he said was a lie, why did he look on the verge of tears?
"Yes, Kagome! I need you, I still need you!" He screamed, his ego broken and bleeding, his pride shattered, his eyes gathering more tears at the rims that he quickly blinked away.
Kagome froze. Her heart pounded and her mind buzzed endlessly. She felt suddenly so cold, despite the raging fire in her eyes. Her heart, the blood that had frozen in her veins and heart started to crawl through her again, freezing her like she was caught in a deadly snowstorm.
Liar. She wanted to scream out that he was liar just one more time to rid that flutter in her heart at his words that seemed so true, straight from the heart. He said he needed her, and his voice had cracked like a little boy's, just reaching manhood. But she continued to refuse believing him.
"What? For your precious jewel shards? I know you think I'm not good for anything. You can find a new stupid girl for that, one that will eat up your selfish commands with a fork, just like I did! Get Kikyou to help you! I'm tired of being second best!" She cried, stepping back a few heavy steps, shaking her head endlessly before turning around uneasily and stumbling forward, away from Inuyasha, leaving him staring at her back with helpless eyes.
"No, Kagome! I need you! I don't want anybody else! I'm running in circles without you, Kagome!" He cried out, his shoulders slumping slightly in defeat as he watched her walk farther and farther away. He felt that stone hand clenching around his heart, squeezing what life he had left in him, out.
He had left Kikyou for Kagome, and now Kagome was leaving him. Now he had no one to go back to. No one's arms were open for him to crawl into like a little pup if he needed to. No one loved him anymore and it was all his own fault. He could only blame himself. Himself and that damned Naraku. If he had never tricked him and Kikyou into hatred, he would still be with the priestess. But then what of Kagome? He couldn't wish that. He couldn't abandon Kagome again, even if it wouldn't have hurt her at all.
With those thoughts swarming his brain, he felt drunk with sorrow and guilt as he hung his head, drowning in the melancholy he had created for himself. He knew he could chase after her, but what good would it do when she was so angry. Her hate was true. Truer than he could ever hope to be. She was the hero in this chapter, and he was the evil youkai out to destroy it all. So wouldn't a happy ending result in him backing off, dying somewhere alone?
Inuyasha was never reasonable. Inuyasha was never fair. Inuyasha had a complete mind and heart of his own, and would follow it whenever it gave him an order, and this time, it ordered his feet to move. His legs obeyed, sending him forth with two long leaps before he threw out his arms to slip around the fragile girl who had gotten but a few feet away. He melted to the back of her, one arm twisting around her front, hand holding her hip securely. The other wrapped around her front and held tightly over her shoulder, his chin resting over her other shoulder in a capturing, picture perfect, embrace.
His face turned in to the crook of her neck, his lips trailing over her skin as cold and white as ice and marble as he repeated his words from before: "I need you...I'm running in circles without you."
Kagome breathed in, out, in, out, but felt as though she was suffocating on her own tears and hate. But her heart pounded against her ribs at his touch when she thought she would recoil in disgust. Her eyes fluttered at the feel of his rough hands over her body when she thought she should pull away with an angry expression.
"…You don't need me. You don't need me at all. You keep leaving her for me, time after time after time. And I've been here all along. If I wanna wait for you for all eternity then, my god, I'll do it! But I'm tired...I'm so tired of getting my heart trampled on whether you realize it or not. You don't need me anymore...Inuyasha, I really feel like I'm losing my best friend." She spoke out after another long silence with the hanyou's warm skin melting the layer of ice off her fragile body.
As much as her mind demanded her to, she stood firmly in place, her hand trapped by her sides under Inuyasha's meaningful embrace. She could feel each muscle that rippled under his flesh. And, strangely, she didn't want to pull away.
"I do! I need you! You know how hard it is for me to admit stuff like that! Please, Kagome, listen to me! You are losing a best friend…but you are not losing me." He whispered in an exclaimed voice. Maybe it was just to keep his voice from cracking out again. Maybe it was just because they were so close and he didn't feel like burning her ears the way his were scolding hot from her hurtful words. But he held tight, brushing his lips against her silken skin.
Kagome didn't reply. She hardly breathed or even thought as she let her head drop back and turn in, her face brushing over the trembling half demon's silvery locks. He looked so troubled, so guilty for what he had done, and for the first time in his life, he looked utterly and truly sorry for something he had done. She couldn't help but forgive him and let that hate soften into mercy.
She wiggled away, out of his grip and pulled back to watch his face twist in horrible failure. He thought she was going to leave now? Not a chance, after all he had done to try to stay. She reached up, standing on her toes to fold her arms around his neck, resting her forehead to his. She sniffled crazily as his clawed hand moved up to touch her cheeks, rubbing away the last of the tears that had finally decided to give the walking rain cloud a break from the heavy sobs.
Inuyasha's lips curled downward, his lips parting to speak but only a soft whimper came through. His pride was already severely wounded, how could he possibly push through a 'sorry'? How would it make things better anyway? All that really mattered was that she was in his arms once again and he knew that he would never dare let her go again. She wasn't mad anymore. The fire had washed from her eyes to be replaced with almost relieved tears.
Kagome's chin lifted Inuyasha's agreeing and moving towards her as well, her lips starting to near his for that kiss that could stitch the wound together and hide the seams as if nothing happened. Maybe they could just spare one, whether the other wasn't in love or not. If only to cure what incurable disease that had infected each other with. Just one. It didn't have to mean a thing. Just one. But Kagome jerked away.
"Ugh! Inuyasha, you stink!" She cried out, sending the hanyou's ears pinning back to his head to rid of the sudden squeal as she pulled herself out of his arms as if nothing at all had just happened. She stumbled away, a smile forming on her lips by Inuyasha's dumbfounded expression that leapt over his relieved features.
He blinked, his eye twitching a bit as the cold washed over him. He had to stare for a while, determine that infectious smile on her lips as he uttered his famous three words when all else failed and confusion ran rampant.
"...What the hell..."
..:--.-..-.-.-.--.-:..Bet the rest of you are just like '...WTF?' right about now. So is poor Inu.
So...things are pretty effed up by now, huh?
Again with the too-quick update! AHHH! I just type too fast or something.
Here's this one and I hope I've saved my life with it! Probably not. You guys really want that kiss...I know. Hm. You'll just have to wait and see...now just lower that katana...geez.
Bye! Remember to review!