This is a long one!
I appreciate everyone taking the time to stop by to read my little story!
This has been such a fun challenge for me since I didn't start writing until this year.
Also, I wanted to explain a bit - This story is mostly from Mamoru's perspective so there may be some things we don't exactly know, because HE doesn't know them. If he isn't told/there to experience something, then we, as an audience, probably won't know about it. This is why we know so little about the senshi, and their interactions or discussions. We will only know what Usa shares with him, unless we happen to be in her headspace for a bit.
Please enjoy!
Ch 8: Grief
Summary: "The pain of grief is just as much a part of life as the joy of love; it is, perhaps, the price we pay for love, the cost of commitment." - Colin Murray Parkes
"Are you sure you're all right? I can stay home tonight."
"No, I'm... It's fine."
"I'm sorry about today, Usagi-chan, but, please, think about what we said, OK? Good night."
"Good night, Luna."
As Mamoru watched Luna and Usagi part ways, a small frown pulled down his mouth. He had been on his way home from study group, eyes in a book with his satchel tucked under his arm, when the warmth and love signaling Usagi's presence washed over him, but the soft smile that had appeared on his face faded when her melancholy followed.
The senshi meeting ran long tonight.
And, considering Usagi's quiet sigh and slumped shoulders after Luna's departure, he surmised it hadn't gone well.
"Usako?"
She startled, jumping with a gasp when he gently brushed his hand against her upper arm. His frown deepened. Whatever was bothering her must be pretty significant if she was this distracted.
"Mamo-chan." Her voice was breathy, relieved. Sad. "What are you doing here?"
"I was on my way home from study group when I spotted you," he explained. "Luna's at your command center tonight, right? Can I walk you home?"
Her smile was genuine, but her sadness lingered, dimming her normally bright eyes. He brushed back a strand of her hair, letting his fingertips rest against her cheek. "What's wrong? Did your meeting go OK?"
Usagi pulled away from his touch and looked away, her eyes falling to the ground. "Nothing, I'm fine. The meeting … was a normal meeting. Still trying to find a lead on the princess."
"Usako." She really was a terrible liar.
The shine in her eyes, and the slight quiver of her jaw, had him lacing his fingers through hers and leading her away from any prying eyes and eavesdropping ears. The day was waning, but the nightlife was only just beginning, and so the sidewalk in the middle of a bustling city was no place for a private conversation.
He led her to the park, mostly empty now that the sun had dipped well below the horizon, the sunset bruising the sky with its purple and dark blues. Together they settled onto a bench near the fountain, and he slid his thumb along the back of her hand in a manner he hoped was comforting. The breeze sent an occasional gentle mist from the water spray in their direction: a refreshingly cool respite from the warmth of the evening.
"Usako, what's wrong?"
A few tears leaked out from between her closed eyelids. "We spent the last hour of the meeting talking about Tuxedo Kamen."
Oh.
Mamoru took a deep breath as she continued.
"They just don't trust you, Mamo-chan," she said sadly, the palm of her free hand rubbing against her skirt. "The thing with Zoisite didn't help, but I honestly don't think it would have mattered."
Mamoru quietly sighed and closed his eyes against the pang of guilt and shame. He had a feeling that lapse in judgment was going to haunt him for a long, long time.
Usagi looked up at the sky, her eyes searching for the moon. His followed. "You should have seen their faces when I suggested Tuxedo Kamen join our team," she whispered. "I've never seen Rei-chan look so betrayed. Mako-chan was nicer about it, though she said I was letting my feelings affect my judgment. Luna was so frustrated."
Her hand was clenching his so tightly the tips of two of his fingers began to tingle.
Her love was warm and comforting against his hand, but she was so conflicted, torn between the love she carried for him, and her duty towards the mysterious princess she is sworn to protect and her senshi whom she was charged to lead.
She didn't speak again for a while, not until the sun had fully set and the moon had finally begun its journey across the sky. "Luna says I need to be less dependent on Tuxedo Kamen. She's concerned it's my weaknesses in battle that keep him around, and he'll use them as an opportunity to steal the Maboroshi no Ginzuishou – if we ever find it, anyway. She thinks you're dangerous."
He physically recoiled from the accusation, releasing her hand to stand and walk because he needed to put some distance between himself and her words. Trembling hands ripped at his hair before sliding lower to press against the burn in his eyes.
He sighed deeply.
Usagi stayed quiet on their bench and let him be, but he wasn't sure if that made him feel better or worse. He appreciated her honesty but sometimes he wished he didn't know; that he could live in ignorance of the extent of the senshis' lack of trust. These accusations against his character, and assumptions about his intentions, ensured his demons never ran out of ammunition.
A quick glance back towards Usagi found her still sitting quietly, her head down and hands clasped together in her lap. Her knuckles were white.
His eyes returned to the moon with a heavy sigh, and he opened himself to her melancholy and pain. Both sat heavy and constrictive in his chest.
How hard it must have been for her, to hear such things about someone she loved but could not defend.
Why was she with him when all he could apparently offer her was secrecy and this pain?
What will be her breaking point? When will she realize he isn't worth it?
"Usako." He felt her eyes lift to his back, but he didn't turn around. "You don't think-"
"No, Mamo-chan, of course not." Her voice was sad. Tired.
He walked back to her in two quick strides and knelt down, reclaiming one of her hands in his, the other palming her cheek. Her shining blue eyes found and held his, and he maintained the eye contact despite his discomfort because he was desperate to make her understand. "Usako, I swear to you, I wouldn't... I could never..."
The warmth of her small hand against his cheek brought him more comfort than he deserved, and, though she spoke with a whisper, her voice was steady, firm, and sure. "I know, Mamo-chan. I know."
o0o
"What do you think she'll be like?"
Mamoru looked down at her with a quizzical expression. "Who?"
An hour had passed since their discussion, most of which was spent sitting on their bench in total silence, his arm around her waist and her head on his shoulder. Sometimes they comforted each other best when they didn't say anything at all.
But the text from her mother asking when she'll be home finally got them moving, and thus began the walk to her house, hand in hand.
"The princess," Usagi uttered as if it should be obvious about whom she was speaking. "What do you think she'll be like?"
"Hmmm..."
They had talked about it only once: was the mysterious girl in his dreams also her lost princess?
But the discussion had disquieted Usagi, so Mamoru dropped it and neither were eager to pick it up again. If his dream girl was her princess, why was she reaching out to him at all? What did it mean? Was he bound to her in some way?
If that is the case, then it made their decision to carry on their relationship all the more treasonous. Usagi was sworn, above all things, to protect her princess. That duty didn't include engaging in a romantic tryst with a man who was, in some way, tied to said princess.
He tried not to dwell on it. Yes, the dream girl had been his only constant growing up, a source of comfort during some of the lowest lows of his life. And he was truly grateful to her for that. But Usagi was here, and real. There was no question in his mind who he would pick if forced to make the choice.
The corner of his mouth pulled up fondly and he gently squeezed her hand. "Maybe a bit like you."
Usagi started, letting out a very incredulous squeak. "ME?"
Mamoru's smile turned amused. "Is that really so hard to believe?"
"Y-yes!" Even in the dim light her face was very, very red.
"Why?" When she didn't answer he halted their steps, but Usagi, who appeared to be trapped within a bewildered haze, was slow to stop. "Usako?"
"Because! Because I'm...I'm..." Her free hand roughly pulled on one of her pigtails, her eyes looking anywhere but at him. "I'm me?"
"What's that supposed to mean?" Mamoru's amusement was gone, replaced with concerned bafflement.
"Mamo-chan!" She was so uncomfortably agitated, her voice shaking as if they were discussing something blasphemous. "The princess can't be like me! I can barely walk two steps without falling down or crashing into something, and my grades are awful! Aren't princesses supposed to be … like, um … smart, and dignified, and graceful?"
Mamoru let out a very undignified and very uncharacteristic snort. "Says who?"
"Oh, I don't know... Books. History. People. You read a lot! You should know this!" She exclaimed with her hands gesturing wildly about her.
Yea... his books don't tend to include an analysis of the "desirable" attributes of female royalty.
"Usako, you are one of the kindest people I have ever met, and you form connections with others so easily. Don't you think those would be admirable qualities in a princess?"
She once again didn't answer, but her bewilderment was gone and her embarrassed flush relinquished its hold on her face, fading into a faint, very becoming blush. Mamoru smiled and lifted her chin with his index finger, the contact directing her eyes back on him. "Your questionable taste in men might be an issue though. You are dating me, after all."
"Mamo-chan, don't say that." Her smile was back, so bright and so adoring he temporarily lost his ability to swallow. She squeezed his hand so very gently and lifted the other to brush against his cheek. The tenderness of the movement, and her smile, had him melting into her hand. "Don't you know? You're everything."
His heart stuttered in his chest, stealing his breath and his voice. When Usagi slid her hand into his hair and pulled him down for a kiss he melted again, this time against her lips and into her embrace.
o0o
Just outside her home, Mamoru pulled Usagi to him for one last kiss, but when he tried to break it, she wound her hand into his hair and followed with her mouth, which she immediately opened beneath his to deepen their kiss. He conceded with a soft sigh and pulled her even closer. Several more minutes passed before they reluctantly separated.
"Usako, I..." he started, but faltered, once again unable to force out the words. Instead, he offered her a warm smile and brushed back a lock of her hair. "Good night."
"I know, Mamo-chan." The smile she beamed up at him was his; bright, beautiful, and full of her love. "I love you. Good night."
When he returned to his apartment, Mamoru fell heavily against his door and sighed a deep sigh.
A few weeks have passed since they got back together, and he still hasn't told her he loved her.
He tried. Many times. His mouth would form the words, but no sound would come out.
And each time he tried but failed, Usagi would smile, the one she had only for him, and place a small, warm hand against his cheek.
It's OK, she told him once. She knows.
But no, it wasn't OK. How good of a partner can he possibly be to her if he can't say the words that matter; the ones that dwell deep within his heart? What's the point of having this ability to read and feel the emotions of those around him if he can't actually communicate his own?
Another one of life's mysteries, he supposed. Or a cruel joke.
'Mamo-chan ... you're everything.'
He was becoming more and more convinced it was the latter.
o0o
Sometimes, in his dreams, Usagi would bounce into the arcade and plop herself down on the stool to his left with an adorable huff before leaning over to kiss his cheek, willfully ignoring his discomfort for public displays of affection in that moment, because she is the epitome of physical affection, and that's just how she rolls.
He would spend the day in a wistful haze for what he could not publicly have, and when he inevitably sat himself down on his stool at the end of the counter later that day, he would spare a glance to that lonely, empty stool to his left.
When Usagi would arrive later as a bouncing ball of joyous sunshine, calling a too-loud greeting to Motoki while his name remained absent from her lips, what was previously a wistful glance would morph into a spiteful glare.
Mamoru had a complicated relationship with the stool to his left.
He always chose the last seat so he only had to worry about someone sitting on one side, loathed the idea of being trapped between strangers or, worse, two people who knew each other with no other place to sit so had to talk over him. Unless he offered to move, but then that involved talking to them and relocating all of his belongings... no, the end was safer.
Sometimes Usagi's friends made an actual effort to converse with him as he was a familiar presence to them now, not a friend, but a casual acquaintance they saw almost every day who happened to be friends with Motoki. But even when they drew him into their conversations, that stool remained empty, acting as the barrier separating him from them; from Usagi.
Not even Ami, with whom he would engage one-on-one about science or literature, sat down next to him.
Most patrons politely avoided that empty stool – there is an unspoken rule about the spacing of separate groups and individuals after all – to claim one of the numerous alternative seating options spanning the counter.
Unfortunately for Mamoru, the only people who typically showed any interest in taking that seat were-
"Excuse me, is this seat taken?"
Mamoru swallowed down a frustrated groan while simultaneously resisting the urge to bang his head on the counter. After a deep breath, he threw up a bland expression and politely shifted his attention towards the girl who immediately sat down and began invading his personal space without waiting for an invitation.
Her brown eyes swept over him as she pushed several strands of her long black hair back behind one ear, a flirtatious smile gracing her glossy lips. He didn't recognize her school from her uniform.
Between that smile and the many other open seats, this could only mean one thing.
"I come in with my friends all the time, but you always sit up here alone. Would you like some company? I'm Kumi, by the way."
And there it is.
The eyes of all four girls fell on him at once before slowly shifting away. Usagi's lingered the longest, her sense of longing, and a flare of envy, prodding him a little.
"My friend works here, and we go to the same school, so I like to come in to do my homework."
Smooth, Mamoru.
Admittedly, small talk was not one of his strengths.
"But all alone? No girlfriend to keep you company?" Her smile became a little more inviting, and she leaned in a little closer. Mamoru leaned away just as much.
"...No..." He managed to not wince at the twinge of pain in his chest from the lie. "School doesn't really leave me much time for dating."
"Oh? That's too bad."
Mamoru hoped his shrug appropriately conveyed a sense of 'it is what it is.'
"You should still make time for fun- uh... I'm sorry, what was your name again?"
Damn. He was hoping he could avoid giving it out this time. "Mamoru."
"Well, Mamoru-san, you should still make time for fun! Life can't be all work and school, you know?"
"I'll keep that in mind."
"Here's my number." She slid over a slip of paper containing her phone number and full name written neatly in pink ink, complete with a heart dotting the I, then stood to leave. Her fingers once again pushed her long black hair behind her ear. "Text me if you ever want some company, and I'll come right over!"
"I... uh... I don't own a cell phone."
"Really?" Kumi's amused smile lit up her face. "Well, in that case, call me sometime, OK? Bye, Mamoru-san."
"You know, Mamoru-kun, it isn't going to bite you." Mamoru's eyes lifted to Motoki's face and then just managed not to roll at his friend's annoying smirk. "She was pretty cute! You gonna call her?"
"Don't think so." As Mamoru started packing up his things, having decided he'd had enough social interaction for one day, he took some satisfaction in the slight fissure of annoyance he'd just caused to course through Motoki.
"Why not? I heard you. School doesn't keep you that busy."
"If you liked her so much, you call her." Mamoru discreetly slid the slip of paper to Motoki's side of the counter knowing his friend would properly dispose of it. His eyes locked with Usagi's as he turned around. "I'll see you tomorrow Motoki-kun."
Usagi jumped Mamoru the moment she met him in Crown's restroom, her hands to his face, legs wrapping around his waist, her mouth open and tongue delving possessively into his mouth and against his. He turned her into the wall with a throaty moan.
"You're not going to call her?" She gasped against his mouth as he pressed himself up against her. She always phrased it as a question, but it never was.
"Of course not, Usako," he assured her, shifting her weight to support her with just one arm so the other could explore. It traveled up from her thigh where he'd been supporting her, the fingertips pausing to glide against the soft, exposed skin of her stomach in the gap between her uniform skirt and blouse, up over the swell of her breast before finishing its journey into her hair at the nape of her neck. "Never."
"Mamo-chan..." She sighed in relief and finally allowed herself to relax into his arms.
He was never going to call any of these girls.
He knew it.
And he knew she knew it.
He promised her that he was hers, and he meant it. But she still needed that reassurance sometimes.
Which he was all too happy to provide.
"Can I see you later?" His lips brushed against her ear, eliciting a shiver.
"No, sorry," she moaned, "Luna is staying home tonight." Regret laced every word.
Mamoru suppressed his disappointment and returned to worship her mouth. Her hands were everywhere and anywhere she could reach: his hair, his face, his shoulders, and now his upper back but beneath his blazer, her deft fingers having found the time to unbutton the jacket.
Reluctantly, Mamoru pulled away and carefully lowered her feet back to the floor. The amount of time she'd been gone was crossing into inappropriate, and they didn't need one of her friends to come searching.
After quickly straightening their clothes and hair, he pulled her to him for one last, brief kiss, but her lips immediately opened beneath his, and they shared another too-long embrace.
Afterwards, Mamoru smiled warmly down to her and laced his fingers through hers before giving her hand a gentle squeeze. "Later, Usako."
o0o
"So, I had Mama take me to the doctor, and now I'm on birth control."
They sat on the edge of a high roof, Sailor Moon leaning back on her hands as her legs dangled and swung over the side. Mamoru had already addressed her wounds and was working on his own, so was, admittedly, a little distracted when he responded with a simple, "Oh, that's a good idea."
Usagi's laugh was pleasant. "I'm glad you agree."
It took a moment for her words and their meaning to fully register, but as soon as they did, and took root, his face caught on fire and his brain short-circuited. If he had been able to focus, he would have caught the widening amused smile she wore while patiently waiting for his brain to reboot.
"Oh, OH. Um... Usako..." he fumbled, his hand sliding into his hair, "it is a good idea, but we haven't talked about it... and I'm not... I mean... It's OK if we don't..."
God, words were so hard.
"Mamo-chan, relax!" She giggled, clearly still so very amused by his reaction, though she wore a faint blush herself.
They sustained physical, mental, and emotional wounds during their almost nightly battles against the Dark Kingdom, yet moments like this reminded him just how young they both really were.
"It doesn't mean we have to. I just thought we should be prepared, just in case." Her hand found and squeezed his hand resting on the ground between them. "But we should talk about it, don't you think? Especially after..." she trailed off, her eyes losing their focus and her smile becoming very shy.
He felt it creep up his hand; warm and wanting. While he can't read minds, he knew she was thinking about the night they got back together. If he hadn't stopped them when he did, he was very much aware just how far they may have gone, despite having just gotten back together and neither having any sort of protection.
It still surprised him just how physical they were with each other after only a couple months of on and off again dating; how comfortable he was with her. Mamoru sometimes wondered if the stressful nature of their secret lives as superheroes, coupled with the secrecy of their relationship, was the main contributing factor.
But truthfully, it was difficult to keep his hands off her. Not wasn't just because he loved her and was insanely attracted to her. He craved the feel of her feelings - her brightness and her joy, and the love she carried for him. Her feelings heightened his and allowed him to experience warmer, more positive emotions that he ever experienced on his own.
But, despite how close they came that particular night, he just wasn't yet ready to take that next step. Usagi on the other hand... She may be just a little younger, but she was braver and more adventurous; had no qualms about indulging in anything she loved. And she loved him, and his hands and mouth on her.
Which really didn't help matters.
But he smiled warmly anyway, so touched as he was by her emotions, and by her love. He'd never get enough of just how much she made him feel wanted.
"You're right," he said finally, squeezing her hand in return. And he no longer bothered to fight his blush. He could do this. "Let's talk about it."
Her smile was blinding.
o0o
"Mamoru."
He looked up from the book he was reading during lunch. It was warm and breezy on the school roof, the wind tousling Motoki's sandy blond hair as he stood towering over the sitting Mamoru, his arms crossed and face set into a stern glare.
But Mamoru didn't sense any anger or rage. Contrary to the front being presented to him, Motoki was suspiciously delighted.
Mamoru sighed as he pulled off his reading glasses, then raised a hand to shield his eyes from the sun so he could better see Motoki's face, which he promptly rolled when he found Motoki's "glare" repeatedly breaking and being forced back into place.
"Motoki-kun, what's this abou-"
"Is there something going on between you and Usagi?"
He lost control of his face for just the briefest of moments, but in that millisecond of time, he'd completely given himself away. There were only two people who knew Mamoru well enough to have caught the change in his expression, and one of them was standing just a few feet away, leveling him with a fake glare.
He snapped his book shut and stood in one fluid motion, Motoki's green eyes locking with his as he moved. But before he could dwell on whether the senshi also suspected, before his demons could adequately assemble their arsenal to begin their assault, Motoki's delighted squeak carried across the rooftop via the gentle breeze. Mamoru couldn't help his chuckle at his friend's spectacularly failed attempt to remain stoic.
Motoki was so excited he was literally shaking, his hand now over his mouth, presumably to cover the smile he could no longer keep from his face.
Oh, what the hell.
Mamoru nodded and Motoki finally let go of his terrible charade, face breaking out into a wide grin as he spin-jumped up and pumped his fist into the air. "I knew it! It's about time you got with someone! And with Usa-chan of all people! Why didn't I think of that?"
"Motoki-ku-"
"How long- Wait! I'll bet it was that time I called you out about your mood! 'I have no idea what you're talking about,' my ass. Wait, no, hold on... you became a brooding asshole again not long after so..."
Mamoru sighed and placed a hand over his eyes in annoyance. "Motoki-ku-"
"OK, so it was sometime after that…" His hand lifted to his chin. "When could it- Actually, come to think of it, how come you two don't hang out together at Crow-"
"MOTOKI!"
Motoki was startled into stunned silence, eyes wide and hand clutching at his chest.
"Motoki-kun," Mamoru began, his tone softer and voice just above a whisper. "Usa's friends don't know, and it's very important it stays that way."
A raised eyebrow was Motoki's only response.
Mamoru cleared his throat. "We have our reasons for the secrecy, but I can't share them with you. You can ask Usa about us if you want, but the girls can't know. If they did, we'd..." Mamoru broke off and ran an agitated hand through his hair. He didn't actually know what exactly would happen if the senshi found out, and that terrified him.
"Mamoru, you know Usagi is like a sister to me, right?" The over-joyed Motoki from a moment ago was long gone, and the glare he was now leveling onto Mamoru was very real and very disconcerting.
Mamoru nodded and closed his eyes. "Yes."
"Do you have any idea how crazy this sounds?"
Mamoru's hand balled into a fist at his side. It was bad enough he had to contend with the senshi constantly assuming the absolute worst of him, but now Motoki too?
He spent his whole life having people look at him differently – because he lost his parents and grew up in an orphanage, because of his looks or his grades – but Motoki was never one of them. Even after Mamoru finally trusted him enough to tell him about his past, Motoki never looked at nor treated him any differently than he always did.
But now, that look was starting to change.
And Mamoru hated that he was absolutely right. Without context, this whole situation was a field of red flags.
"Mamoru?"
"I know, Motoki," Mamoru sighed. "I know exactly how it sounds. But I promise you, it's not like that."
"You didn't even tell me. Are you..." Disgust crept into Motoki's tone and his face, "Mamoru, don't tell me you're embarrassed to be seen with her, because so help me-"
Mamoru was so horrified, repulsed, and offended that the feelings converged onto his face into a dark, intense glare, and Motoki actually recoiled away from him.
"No," Mamoru ground out, his tone taking on a steely edge, "As I said, it is nothing like that."
But Motoki was quick to recover, and his gaze rose to Mamoru's challenge. "If you expect me to believe that, I'm going to need more than just your assurance. This is Usagi we're talking about. She is sensitive and way too kind and trusting for her own good sometimes. Do you have any idea how much it would destroy her if this was just some kind of game to you? How much it would break her heart?"
Yes.
Unfortunately, Mamoru knew all too well.
"Motoki-kun, Usako is..." Mamoru missed Motoki's bulging eyes at the affectionate nickname because his mind was back to that night Usagi sat forlornly on that bench with her too tense hands, and then to the warmth and tenderness of that hand against his cheek; her bright, loving smile.
"She's everything. It kills me to keep our relationship a secret, but we do it because we have to; because if we didn't, we'd have to break up and... well... we tried that already, Motoki. We tried, and it was horrible."
Mamoru finished with his back to Motoki, hands in his hair, his face on fire, and his heart beating so fast he couldn't be certain it wasn't about to burst. He just completely exposed himself emotionally to Motoki at school, on the roof, in the middle of the day. Why not just go on television to announce his feelings to the whole world? It couldn't possibly make him feel any more exposed and vulnerable than he did right now.
The sun was suddenly too bright and oppressive, and Mamoru wanted nothing more than to find a dark and quiet place in which to hide.
He idly heard the ringing of the bell signaling the end of the lunch period and resumption of classes, but neither moved.
Motoki was a mix of shock, confusion, and awe. "Mamoru-kun, I had no idea... You..." his hand slid into his hair and down to the back of his head, his voice soft. "You really love her, don't you?"
Mamoru nodded.
"OK, Mamoru-kun." Mamoru turned his eyes to Motoki and breathed a sigh of relief when he found him smiling his trademark Motoki-smile. "I won't pretend to understand all of this, but you can count on me. I'll keep your secret."
Motoki was true to his word. Initially, Mamoru had his doubts, not because he didn't trust Motoki, but because his friend was a lousy actor with a terrible poker face. But Motoki managed to pull it off, keeping his interactions with Usagi and her friends relatively the same and being extremely careful about when, where, and how he asked Mamoru questions about their relationship.
Even better, now that he knew Mamoru was dating someone he regarded as a little sister, Motoki became fiercely protective of the two, and if a girl came up to the counter with the intention of invading Mamoru's personal space, Motoki was there in a flash, turning on his charm and wit and willfully ignoring her not-so-subtle hints to get lost.
Motoki, unlike Mamoru, actually enjoyed the attention and banter so was more than happy to take one for the team, which he was annoyingly calling 'Team Moto-Ru'.
Mamoru face-palmed again just thinking about it, reminding himself for the umpteenth time that Motoki was actually helping.
o0o
"Motoki-san, what's up with your friend?"
Mamoru's fingers stiffened around the handle of his coffee cup at Rei's question, and he could feel the eyes of all four girls fall on him at once.
Motoki, who was clearing away the girls' shake and soda glasses, paused. "Hmmm? You mean Mamoru-kun? He comes in to hang out and do his homework. It's much better than the library, right Usa-chan?" Mamoru could feel Motoki's wink. "Why do you ask?"
"Well, he just seems... I don't know... lonely? And very quiet. He only really seems to talk to you or one of us, mostly this one." From Usagi's nervous confusion Mamoru assumed Rei had pointed to her. "And that's only if we talk to him first. Considering the endless parade of his fan club I expected him to be more outgoing."
Fan club?
"Fan club?" Motoki asked.
Mamoru smiled.
"You know, all those girls who keep sitting down and talking to him? He doesn't really seem to enjoy their company. I just... well, he's good looking so I guess I expected something differe- WHAT?" The thick layer of shock now blanketing the air had Mamoru wishing he could turn around to see the looks on the other girls' faces. "I didn't say I wanted to DATE HIM!"
OK. It was quiet in the arcade today and he wasn't really sitting that far away. Did they honestly think he couldn't hear them?
"I am just stating a fact: he is handsome. I figured he'd have a different girl on his arm every week, not turning them all away."
Still right here.
Mamoru quietly sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
Motoki chuckled. "Oh, Mamoru-kun isn't like that. He's actually a really nice guy under that hard, brooding exterior. You just need to get to know him."
Thanks, Motoki-kun.
"Don't you two go to the same school?" Ami's voice was so soft he wouldn't have heard her question if he wasn't concentrating so much on the on-going conversation. Mamoru wondered if her and Makoto's crush on Motoki was as obvious to everyone else as it was to him.
"Sure do!"
"Wait," Makoto interjected, "Usagi-chan, you know him. What would you say Mamoru-san is like?"
Mamoru just about spilled his coffee when Usagi became immediately flustered. "Well... I wouldn't say... We talk sometimes if I'm at the counter... You guys have talked to him too! Why are you aski-"
"Oh, come on!" Makoto interrupted with a teasing laugh. "What about that time you ran into him on our way to school? You knew his name even back then! Don't hold out on us!"
Motoki was laughing when he walked away, and when he caught Mamoru's eye, he winked and covertly flashed a thumb's up.
Recalling their encounter had Mamoru smiling into his coffee – Ami and Makoto had borne witness to a classic pre-dating Usagi/Mamoru run in, complete with Usagi's graceless crash to the ground. Usagi had become a blushing, flustered mess when he helped her up, and the shrillness of her response to whatever Makoto had said to her after he walked away made him laugh.
The group walked up to the counter to settle their bill, and Mamoru returned from his thoughts just in time to catch Makoto's laughing, "... and Tuxedo Kamen too? Come on, Usagi-chan, you flirt! You have to pick one!"
"Tuxedo Kamen?" He whirled in his seat to face them, allowing his eyes to fully land on Usagi for the first time that day and stemming his elbow on the counter to prop his cheek up on his fist. The amusement he allowed to show on his face was genuine. "You have a crush on Tuxedo Kamen, Odango Atama?"
Makoto slyly smiled at Usagi and playfully nudged her with her elbow, making Usagi flush a deep red.
"You know, a lot of girls have a crush on Tuxedo Kamen. You think you'll be the one to win him over?"
That glare really was precious: annoyance mixed with a bit of embarrassment, although, this time, it contained just a hint of betrayal.
Maybe teasing her in front of her friends was a bit too far.
Probably.
When she stopped by his apartment later as planned, arriving through his balcony as she always did when she came alone, her annoyance returned in full force as soon as her eyes landed upon his now smirking face.
"Mamo-chan," she grumbled through another adorable pout.
Still, she came into his arms willingly, and he thoroughly enjoyed kissing that pout away until she was sighing and melting in his arms.
"So," he began casually, "I hear you have a crush on Tuxedo Kamen."
Usagi huffed and rolled her eyes in exasperation, but before she had time to retort, his mouth was at her ear with a low whisper. "Should I be jealous?"
He smiled when she let out a long moan containing a healthy combination of annoyance and pleasure, and he started working his mouth and tongue from her ear, traveling down her neck to the junction of her shoulder, relishing in her gasping sighs and the way her fingers tightened their grip in his shirt.
So the girls thought she had a crush on both Mamoru and Tuxedo Kamen. It was kind of a relief, really. A crush they could work with. He was far better than Usagi at hiding his feelings anyway, so as long as the girls assumed her crushes were unrequited, they should be OK.
o0o
Mamoru woke up with a start, utterly confused and disoriented, his hands shaking and heart racing from the adrenaline coursing through his veins.
He'd fallen asleep while studying, and while he did find the science behind physics very fascinating, that interest could in no way account for this frantic state.
It wasn't until he splashed cold water on his face and stared at himself in his bathroom mirror that Usagi's terrified scream ricocheted through his mind.
'MAMO-CHAN!'
Her fear carved an icy path down his spine, the pain making him shudder and clench his jaw, and he was out the door without a moment's hesitation, transforming on the balcony before leaping into the night air to search for her.
Though it felt like an eternity, the bond led him to Usagi within three minutes, but it was already too late.
Zoisite had her trapped within an impenetrable barrier, the strength of his arm around her neck keeping her pinned against him. The other senshi lay wounded and unmoving on the ground below. Sailor Moon fought against his hold, her legs thrashing and kicking as she tried to free herself.
The general was positively feral, screaming abuse and threats at Sailor Moon between demands that she hand over the Maboroshi no Ginzuishou.
But she didn't have it.
Of course she didn't have it.
The senshi were still searching, as was he, but the elusive gem had yet to be found.
But she never told Zoisite this.
After she thwarted Zoisite's master plan and returned the stolen energy to the citizens of Tokyo, the Dark Kingdom wrongly believed she had the Maboroshi no Ginzuishou and demanded it of her at every battle.
Mamoru asked her once, nearly begging, why she never denied having Ginzuishou within her possession so the Dark Kingdom would back off.
Usagi's expression turned quite serious, and she looked him straight in the eye as she answered. "If the Dark Kingdom thinks I have it, then they don't need to look for it, and maybe fewer people will get hurt."
He disagreed with her initially, because the Dark Kingdom was hurting people every day through their energy collecting schemes.
But then he remembered her friend Naru's mother, the owner and operator of one of the largest jewelry stores in the city, Osa-P.
Jadeite and his youma had tied her up and left her in the basement for hours while they meticulously searched her entire inventory. When they failed to find Maboroshi no Ginzuishou, the youma assumed her form and held an unprecedented sale, luring in women from all over the city to buy their contaminated wares.
And many of those women nearly lost their lives from the energy extraction process; a process they were extremely fortunate the Dark Kingdom had not yet refined.
Naru's mother and her store, as Mamoru understood from Usagi, was still recovering from this attack even now, and Mamoru questioned if Naru's mother ever truly would.
Not that he ever harbored any doubts about it before, but it was then that Mamoru understood the extent of Usagi's selflessness.
So he also understood, that even now, as the Dark Kingdom's general nearly suffocated her in his blinding rage while demanding that she hand over the Maboroshi no Ginzuishou, she would forever refuse to deny she had it within her possession.
But if she didn't hand over something….
Usagi's very being called to and pulled on him desperately as her subconscious screamed through his mind for his help.
But he was completely powerless to do so.
All his attempts to break through the general's barrier were repelled, so Mamoru had nothing to show for his efforts but torn gloves and the raw, bleeding skin on his hands.
Mamoru fell to his knees in despair, Usagi's name a broken whisper on his lips.
He'd run out of ideas, and his panic prevented him from formulating any new ones, so he could only watch, powerless and helpless, as Zoisite conjured a very dark, very large, and very sharp crystal shard into his upraised hand, and plunged it down to Sailor Moon's back.
The bright orange light and Zoisite's pained scream slowly returned Mamoru to his senses.
His brain had gone into self-preservation mode so he wouldn't have to witness the death of the one he loved, so when he came back, he had no idea why Zoisite was grabbing his arm, nor at whom he was yelling.
All of his focus was centered on Usagi, who was crouched on the ground with a hand to her throat, her chest violently heaving as she gasped for air.
She was alive.
But he couldn't make out her aura.
His psychometry was so distorted, everything registered as staticky interference, his skin and mind prickly and fuzzy. So it was with great reluctance that he forced his stunned eyes off Sailor Moon in order to locate the current source of Zoisite's rage.
His eyes found a new senshi, dressed in orange and yellow, standing confidently on a nearby roof; hand on her hip, red mask over her eyes, a half smile on her lips.
The mask was removed as the white feline companion at her feet formally introduced her as Sailor Venus, heiress to the Moon Kingdom's Silver Millennium – Princess Serenity. Her blue eyes shined with knowledge and power; her form framed by moonlight.
It was then he noticed the shining crescent moon sigil on her forehead.
"Serenity..." His psychometry stilled the moment her name fell from his lips, as if the name itself readjusted his senses and refocused them into crystal-clear clarity.
He knew that name from somewhere deep within himself.
Venus slowly raised her arm and called to her power a second time, but at Zoisite's wise departure, she dismissed it with a graceful wave of her hand.
The long-awaited princess arrived at last.
o0o
Gentle tapping on glass woke him from his nightmare.
It was a struggle getting back to his apartment, because his limbs were heavy and slow, like he was trudging through molasses the entire way. When he finally arrived, he collapsed onto his couch and into a pile of grief.
He didn't even remember falling asleep.
When his blurry eyes beheld an exhausted Sailor Moon rapping her gloved knuckle on the balcony's glass door, his demons immediately resumed the assault they had begun before he even arrived home.
And he was handily defeated.
You have one responsibility on the battlefield.
Protect Usagi.
Not only did you spectacularly fail to do so, you weren't even there when she needed you the most.
Sleeping.
You were sleeping when the fighting started.
You are unreliable.
She will never be able to depend on you.
You couldn't save your parents.
You weren't the one who saved her.
What exactly is the point of you, if you can't protect the people you love?
Usagi had just sat down on the couch, tiredly rubbing her eyes with both hands while informing Mamoru that Luna was staying with the princess for the night when she paused, realizing only now that he hadn't spoken a single word to her since she arrived, nor had he moved since getting up to let her into his apartment.
He was leaning against the wall by the balcony door, head down and away, jaw clenched, eyes hidden by his black hair. His grip on the sleeve of his right arm was white-knuckled, bunching and pulling on the fabric of his white school shirt, and his right hand was squeezed into such a tight fist, the whole hand shook.
He was completely closed off to her.
The battle was hours ago now, why is he still...
"Mamo-chan?"
She received no response, no acknowledgment he even heard her.
Usagi walked over to him slowly, desperately trying to quell the rising anxiety in her chest. "Mamo-chan? Are you OK? What's wrong?"
With her heart pounding loudly in her ears, Usagi whispered his name once more and placed a small hand against his cheek. The pain and anguish she found when she turned his face towards hers pulled a shocked gasp from her lips.
"Usako..." Mamoru pulled her to him so suddenly she squeaked in surprise; found herself held so tightly she could hardly breathe.
Together they fell down to their knees, his forehead dropping into the juncture of her neck and shoulder. "...I'm so sorry..."
"Mamo-chan?" His hold on her was so strong, she couldn't pull away to look at him.
"I... I didn't get there in time. I couldn't... If Venus hadn't..." With a hitch of his breath, he hugged her even tighter, but when she felt warm dampness on her neck and shoulder, it took her stunned brain a moment to comprehend what was happening.
Mamoru was crying.
With that understanding, her own breath hitched as his pain suddenly crashed down upon her with such intensity she probably would have collapsed if he wasn't holding her so tight. Her tears pricked painfully at her eyes, but she could do nothing except let them fall.
This was her fault.
Luna was right – she is too dependent on Tuxedo Kamen.
And that dependency was the direct cause of Mamoru's pain.
If she were a more capable warrior, Zoisite wouldn't have gotten the drop on her, the senshi wouldn't have been injured trying to save her, and Mamoru wouldn't be suffering now.
How is she supposed to lead the senshi, and protect the princess and everyone she loves, if she can't even protect herself?
Her tears turned into cries, which quickly devolved into gasping, choking sobs, and when Mamoru's fingers slid into her hair, and he mumbled her name into her neck through his own tears, she broke down even further.
o0o
Usagi woke up alone in his bed at early dawn, the soft glow of the sun's first rays filtering through the window. Her head hurt, and her mouth was sticky and dry. After pushing herself off the bed, she silently padded into the living room to find Mamoru sitting on the couch with his head in his hands.
The buttons of his uniform shirt were undone, revealing a white t-shirt underneath; his sleeves rolled up to just before his elbows.
"Mamo-chan."
His startled jump, though slight, startled her in turn. There was, usually, no sneaking up on Chiba Mamoru.
The ocean-blue eyes he slowly dragged her way were red-rimmed and well guarded.
She was certain he hadn't slept last night.
Usagi bridged the distance between them with a hesitant step, offering what she hoped was a comforting smile, and when he pulled her into his arms, she released a relieved sigh.
After she settled onto the couch beside him and into his embrace, she rested her head against his chest, noting his slow and steady heartbeat; so different from his grief and hysteria last night.
And she allowed herself to relax into him while he slowly and so very tenderly caressed her hair near one of her mussed buns.
"I'm sorry."
His hoarse apology reverberated through his chest, and she sighed.
"I know."
She desperately wished he didn't blame himself.
o0o
Mamoru walked her home, her hand held tightly in his. The city was just waking up as they traveled silently through the city, the sidewalks mostly empty at this early hour.
Her plan was to climb in through her bedroom window and hope neither her mother, nor Luna, noticed she hadn't spent the night at home.
He stopped them just out of view of her house and wrapped an arm around her waist to pull her close, the fingers of his other hand brushing along her cheek, pushing back a few loose strands of her hair behind her ear, before settling at the nape of her neck. Usagi loosely grasped his shirt and looked up at him to search his eyes, which had been hidden from her the entire walk home.
Mamoru looked different.
Resolute.
His eyes were more clear now than they were this morning, more open and expressive. The pain was gone, possibly buried, she couldn't tell. Instead, she saw warmth, she saw...
"I love you."
Her eyes widened and she could feel the tell-tale warmth of an intense blush spread across her face.
She knew his feelings for her. For all his adorable stammerings and stutters when he'd previously tried to tell her, she knew. There was just no mistaking the way he looked at her, and she could feel his love in his embraces and his kisses.
But to hear him actually say it filled a void in her heart she didn't know needed filling; that apparently still needed that verbal confirmation in order to be made whole.
She knew then she'd never hear it enough.
As Mamoru lowered his head, she tightened her grip in his shirt and pushed up onto the tips of her toes, meeting him halfway for a deep, slow, toe-curling kiss that took her breath away and left her knees weak.
Mamoru put all of his feelings into his kiss and opened himself to hers, letting her life and her love envelop him, calming his still very frayed nerves.
He almost lost her last night; her brightness, her joy, her love – all nearly ripped away in an instant. Last night he experienced true grief for the first time and was nearly drowned by the intense, complicated, and unbelievably painful feelings.
So this is what it's like, he thought, when you remember.
She would have died without ever hearing him express his true feelings, and he would have had to live with that regret.
When they separated, he whispered it to her again. And then one more time for good measure.
Usagi was pretty sure she floated all the way to her room.