Thank you all for the lovely reviews!
Even if you are not the reviewer type (I get it!) I appreciate y'all stopping by to give this story a read!

This chapter ended up shorter than I originally intended but I realized as I was originally writing it that it needed to be its own thing. One of my biggest frustrations with both the anime and manga is that we almost never see the emotional impact caused by the many horrific things these characters experience. The manga shows a distraught Tuxedo Kamen on the roof during the battle with Zoisite, and we catch a glimpse of guilt when the two pretty much gloss over it later in the park, but that's it.

So, I detoured my story a bit to explore how a Mamoru already (secretly) dating Usagi might fare in the aftermath of her nearly being killed by Zoisite.

I hope I did it justice.

Since I have to work tomorrow (Saturday) morning, I'm posting a little early.
Have a great weekend!

Ch 6: Frustration
Summary: It's OK to not be OK

It was too soon.

When the first two generals were pulled from battle – Jadeite, followed by Nephrite - the senshi had been granted a short reprieve, a chance to rest and recharge before the next general came in with their new plans and initiatives.

But not this time.

Zoisite was out, and the new general, Kunzite, hit the ground running immediately.

Mamoru's heart and mental health were fragile after Usagi's near death, and he'd been counting on that short break to distance himself from the Dark Kingdom and just be with Usagi. But even he had to concede that the Dark Kingdom wasn't exactly known for their compassion and empathy.

The first battle under Kunzite's command commenced on a school day during fourth period. The instant he felt her transformation, Mamoru broke into a cold sweat, his heart rate skyrocketed, and he had to fight down the wave of nausea when the classroom began tilting on its axis. After clinging to his desk to orient himself and let the nausea pass, he nearly stumbled on his way to the front of the class to speak to his teacher, who was about to chastise him for leaving his seat, but one look at Mamoru's clenched jaw and sweaty brow had him nodding his head towards the door.

Mamoru stole across the rooftops as fast his feet could carry him, fighting his rising panic that he wouldn't make it in time. The energy blast meant for Sailor Moon was seen upon approach, and he leapt in just before it struck, though his panic had him pulling Usagi too close and holding her too tight.

But Usagi resisted after her initial shock wore off, screaming at him to let her go; to leave her with the princess. She was out of his arms and heading back to Venus before he could make it back down to the ground.

Her rejection left him distracted, causing him to misjudge his landing. Fortunately, he landed in the plush grass, though a knee, a foot, and one of his hands ripped up that grass when he slid across the ground.

Collapsing to his hands and knees when he came to complete stop, Mamoru's head hung low with his eyes squeezed shut, and his gloved hands clawed into the soft earth as he took slow, deep breaths to center himself.

But he could not recover in time to return to the fight, so by the time Usagi found him, he was lying on his back beneath a tree in an undisturbed patch of grass watching the leaves dance in the breeze, his transformation long since released, school uniform tie loosened and blazer unbuttoned.

"We're heading back to school," she said softly.

"OK."

"Are you going to return to sch-"

"No."

He heard her sigh. "Um, Mamo-chan, I'm-" she started, but was cut off by Ami's call of her name. "Coming!" she called back before facing Mamoru once more. "Sorry, I gotta go. I'll talk to you later, OK?"

She lingered for a moment longer, he could feel the nervous prick of her gaze, but he couldn't bring himself to meet her eyes, and she finally departed without another word, her guilt trailing close behind.

o0o0o0o

The passage of time flowed on unnoticed while Mamoru simply existed in his patch of grass under his tree, taking in the pleasant breeze and fragrant air.

He also took in the dichotomy of sounds: the city life, teeming with people, rumbling vehicle engines, beeping horns, wailing sirens, but also the nature behind it all, the singing birds, chirping, whining, buzzing insects, all residing in the small oasis of the park.

The hum and harmony of the planet he routinely risked his life to protect lulled him, eventually calming his troubled heart.

Later, when he trudged out of his apartment building's elevator, he was surprised to see an equally stunned Motoki staring back, eyes wide and mouth gaping.

"Uh..." Motoki started, taking in Mamoru's disheveled appearance. Mamoru had re-buttoned his jacket but only somewhat straightened his tie, and his hair and jacket were mussed from the hours spent lying in the grass. "I was bringing you notes..." he said, lifting his bag. "What the hell happened to you, anyway?"

His shoulders lifted in a half-shrug. "I didn't feel well. Just needed some fresh air."

"Uh huh... So, are you feeling better?" Motoki asked, not convinced. "And this wouldn't happen to have anything to do with Usa-chan, would it? You've been acting... off... the last few days."

Why was Motoki so damned sharp? "No, she's fine. We're fine. Like I said, just wasn't feeling well." The lies came more easily these days. "Thank you for the notes." Mamoru gestured towards his door. "Did you want to come in?"

Relief flooded through Mamoru when Motoki shook his head. "Sorry, can't, I gotta run. Duty calls!"

Before he realized Motoki meant his shift at Crown, Mamoru's stomach clenched, and he fought off another wave of nausea. Duty brought far too much strife into his personal life.

"See you tomorrow, Motoki-kun."

o0o0o0o

It was probably a panic attack, Mamoru considered later while laying in bed, staring up at the ceiling in the middle of the night because he couldn't sleep. But he also didn't really want to sleep.

His grief from almost losing Usagi was the single most emotionally painful experience in his lasting memories, and the events from that night were invading his dreams, forcing him to relive it over and over again. Usually, the dream played along exactly as the events transpired, which was torture enough, but sometimes... sometimes it didn't, and he'd wake up drenched in sweat and screaming her name, each beat of his heart a sharp stab of pain in his chest.

The vision of her cold and bloodied lifeless body, of what could have been, haunted his days and terrorized his nights.

Usagi tolerated his increased need for closeness with loving patience, often finding herself discreetly snatched off the sidewalk into an alley just so he could hold her close and whisper her name, to feel her life and her love against his hands, her beating heart against his chest, and her breath on his skin. She'd hold him back and reassure him she was OK.

But it wasn't enough.

Kunzite eschewed the route predictability favored by the previous generals, beginning his tenure with no discernible pattern. It felt like a test, as if Kunzite was sussing them out, trying to ascertain the best times and places to attack in order to maximize the Dark Kingdom's energy collection.

So if it wasn't Mamoru's nightmares shocking him awake in the middle of the night, it was the dreaded jolt signaling Usagi's transformation. And sometimes he was forced to leave class or study group early, pointedly avoiding Motoki's widened, shocked eyes as Mamoru provided vague excuses to leave.

In battle, Sailor Moon stuck to Sailor Venus' side at all times, determined to prove herself to her princess and to the other senshi. They were, admittedly, a good team – Venus' powers and shields gave Sailor Moon the time and protection she needed to manipulate her tiara and wield the wand.

But there were times it didn't matter – the youma too fast or too powerful; the senshi too outnumbered – and during those times, Sailor Moon was taking the hits meant for her princess, jumping in front of Venus or pushing her out of the way, or refusing to dodge in order to cover her princess's escape.

Sailor Moon still refused his help, even when injured, even when she struggled to stand. Her rejection, compounded with Sailor Venus' narrowing eyes and demands to know what he was up to, to either reveal his civilian form to the senshi or leave them be; all of which he was unwilling to do for fear of the repercussions, for fear of losing her again, had him spiraling.

But they didn't talk about it.

Not even after Venus demanded Sailor Moon stop worrying so much about her; to prioritize her own safety, and then heavily frowned at her refusal.

"No," Sailor Moon ground out once, groaning as she picked herself up from the ground. "It's my duty to protect you."

Not even when his overwhelming panic had him pushing Sailor Moon up against a secluded wall or rooftop fence after battle, his mouth hard and urgent on hers, his hands sliding all over her body to check for and heal any and all wounds, from the largest bruise down to the shallowest scrape. Her fingers would claw into his jacket or tangle into his hair to pull him closer, moaning and gasping between the assurances she whispered into his mouth.

Even after they'd separate and release their transformations; after he'd cradle her face in his hands, kiss her softly, and tell her he loved her.

They still didn't talk about it.

It hung between them - his hurt and frustration; her guilt yet proud sense of duty and accomplishment - and was a heavy weight upon their heads and their hearts.

Until Mamoru came to his breaking point, and he ditched his last class to be at Usagi's school in time for dismissal.

o0o0o0o

Looking back, skipping the class was probably unnecessary considering this was Usagi - the girl was almost never on time for anything, even to leave school, her most dreaded of places. But here he was, several minutes early and a jittery bundle of nerves while he discreetly waited for Usagi to walk through the gate, praying to whomever cared that neither Ami nor Makoto be with her when she did.

Luck was on his side that day because the two girls did leave school together sans Usagi, who came barreling through the gate several minutes later a harried, out of breath mess, obviously running late.

"Mamo-chan," she gasped quietly to ensure no passersby would hear the endearment, her concern and confusion crinkling her features. "What are you doing here? Is everything OK?" Then, apologetically: "I'm late for a meeting with the girls."

A small part of him wondered if he should abandon this plan today and try again another day when she had more time, but he worried he'd lose his nerve (and then his mind) if he let this go for even one more day. Holding her gaze, Mamoru interlaced his fingers with hers and gave her hand a gentle squeeze before turning away to lead her back to his apartment. She came willingly, though her eyes were anxious, and he had to resist the urge to swat away her nervousness as if it were a fly buzzing about his ears.

Mamoru intended to have a calm and rational discussion but as it got underway and his feelings began to overwhelm him, his volume and frantic state gradually intensified until he was all but screaming at her, his hands and voice shaking with his frustration. "Why, Usako?! Why you? Why not one of the other girls? Or me? Hell, I'll gladly do it if it means... you'd..."

The appalled glare she levied on him chased away his voice, and his anger followed. "Mamo-chan, how can you even say that? It is my duty as a senshi to protect her! And I am the leader of the senshi! This is my responsibility! What, exactly, are you asking me to do? Tell the girls 'sorry, I can't protect the princess anymore because Tuxedo Kamen, who I'm dating in secret by the way, just told me I can't?'"

Her words wounded him because of course that wasn't what he meant, but he'd never been good with his words, not when it mattered. Mamoru closed his eyes and clenched his jaw against the pain.

"I can't fight youma like they can, but I can do this. I have to do this. I can't let the princess save me again!"

With the violent flinch of his body from once again being reminded of his failures, of what he almost lost, tears flooded Usagi's eyes.

"I have to prove myself, to her and to the girls," she murmured, her voice trembling. "I have to become a better guardian, and I need... I can't keep expecting you to save me. Luna was right, I became too dependent on you."

Mamoru's gaze darkened.

What?

Of course she is supposed to depend on him! There could be no other reason for his place on the battlefield except to be there for her in whatever capacity she needed him. And if she needed him to shield her, to pull her out of harm's way, then, damn it, that is what he will do.

Shrinking away from his intense glare, Usagi looked instead to her fingers bunching themselves into the fabric of her skirt and took a shaky breath. "Mamo-chan…" her voice now just above a whisper, "my weakness caused so much pain for you that night. I felt it, all of it, right here." A small hand lifted to her heart. "I need to be stronger, for me, but also for you, so I never cause you that kind of pain ever again."

Her voice broke at the end of her statement, and her tears finally fell, cascading and silent. The silent tears always wretched his heart more than her loud wails.

Silent meant deeper pain.

"Usako, I..." But his hand balled into a fist at his side when he trailed off. How does he explain that his pain from that night wasn't because of her weakness, but his? It is his duty to protect her, but he failed her in an unforgivable way.

Instead, Mamoru embraced her, wrapping one arm around her waist and the other around her shoulder, the hand sliding into her hair, and pulled her close. "I can't keep watching you get hurt," he murmured into the softness of her hair. "I just want to protect you. It's what I am meant to do, I know it is. Please, Usako," he pleaded, "please stop pushing me away."

The way Usagi stiffened in his arms and then gently pulled out of his arms had his stomach twisting into tiny knots. The heartbroken shine in her blue eyes thrust his mind back to the night she broke up with him, and he suddenly couldn't breathe.

Not again.

"Mamo-chan," she began, "You..." But she trailed off, her eyes clenching shut as if she was searching for the words he already knew he didn't want to hear.

o0o

What he didn't yet know was that Usagi had increased her support for Tuxedo Kamen joining their team after the princess's arrival, and that continued advocacy had become a consistent source of ire among the senshi.

She reminded them of all the times he helped them; had saved her. "He is on our side!" she assured Luna and the senshi. "Teaming up would give us a better chance against the Dark Kingdom!"

The girls sighed, Luna and Rei exhibiting varying signs of frustration. Neither were eager to go another round with Usagi about this. Ami and Makoto offered Usagi compassionate but apologetic glances – they sided with Luna and Rei.

The girls knew, deep down, Usagi had good intentions, but they needed her to be more sensible about this and could not understand why she would not let it go.

"The enemy of our enemy is not necessarily our friend," Luna gently reminded her. "As long as Tuxedo Kamen is after the Maboroshi no Ginzuishou, he will never be our friend." She still hadn't forgiven him for that fiasco with Zoisite.

Usagi opened her mouth to protest when Minako suddenly appeared by her side, hand on her arm – gentle, kind, but firm - her ruling as princess was final. This discussion was over.

o0o

When she reopened her eyes, the heartbreak was joined by such an intense anguish he thought he was going to choke, his throat was so constricted. "The girls still don't trust Tuxedo Kamen, now even less than before, because Minako-chan says... she said she doesn't remember him from... from... back then... so we have to be extra careful."

Sometimes he hated being right.

With each passing day, Mamoru was becoming more and more certain he would never be accepted by the senshi. Without that acceptance, he could never publicly date Usagi, something he wanted so badly he was beginning to wonder if his lost memories were even worth it.

Was his obsession to know his past keeping him from his desired future?

When will she decide this secrecy and pain wasn't worth it - that he wasn't worth it - and let him go for good?

His hands were trembling when he reached for her again, but she met him halfway, twisting her hand into his tie to pull him down while he cradled her face and lowered his head. The kiss the two shared was slow, deep, and fraught with emotion. When he tasted the salty tears and felt the warm splashes on his hands, he couldn't be certain to whom those tears belonged.

She didn't pull away until her communicator beeped, reminding them both she had a senshi meeting for which she was now so very late. In a flash of light and ribbon she became Sailor Moon, then lifted her now gloved hand to his cheek, her fingers curled slightly inwards so only the pads of her fingertips brushed the skin. Her sad blue eyes found and held his. "I love you," she whispered.

Though her eyes shimmered with her heartbreak and tears, the smile she offered him was bright and loving and his.

She left from the balcony without another word. Mamoru watched her go with his hand resting against his cheek until she was out of sight.

o0o0o0o

Mamoru ruminated on Usagi's words for days.

The first few of those days were spent in a despondent haze, defeated and crushed by the unfairness of it all. When he wasn't studying in his seat at the arcade or in study group, barely managing to keep his expression from looking as glum as he felt, or spending those precious rare moments with Usagi, he found himself back in that spot in the park, the sounds and smells once again lulling his mind and allowing the focus needed to analyze Usagi's words.

What did 'back then' and 'doesn't remember him' even mean?

A lot of time was spent on this question, but his meditative state provided no answers. Eventually, he learned from Usagi that Minako and Luna spoke of reincarnation and of a lost kingdom on the moon from which the senshi all hailed in a past life.

If the princess didn't remember him, was he not a part of their world? While Mamoru wasn't sure how much he believed in reincarnation, there had to be some explanation for his being involved in all this. And what does his connection to Sailor Moon mean?

Venus herself was a mystifying enigma, her arrival resulting in far more questions than answers.

Which Mamoru hated.

o0o

There was something unsettling about Aino Minako, Sailor Venus, lost Princess of the Silver Millennium, or whatever the hell she wanted to be called.

The moment her eyes fell on him the very first time she stepped foot in the Crown, Mamoru knew she would be trouble. She immediately insisted that Usagi and the girls introduce her to "all the cute guys!", and so was paraded around to the various regulars the girls knew before finally arriving at the counter. With Motoki, she was witty and charming, and it wasn't long before she had him placing an awkward hand to the back of his head as a faint blush bloomed on his face. But when she turned her charms on Mamoru, everything dialed up to 11.

"Mamoru-san, is it?" She purred his name through a saccharine smile, much too sweet and showing too many teeth. With what had to be a practiced flip of her hair, she settled primly on the wretched stool to his left before gently placing her elbow on the counter and delicately resting her chin on the backs of her fingers. Dark lashes fluttered over light blue eyes as her pink lips pulled up into an alluring smile.

Usagi shuffled uncomfortably behind her but Mamoru refused to let his eyes stray.

Minako was testing him. This was an act. This girl hadn't liked him from the moment she entered the arcade. The light blue eyes holding his gaze teased him, mocking him with a knowledge she carried but would never share; at least not with him. But her aura betrayed her, suggesting a power and a burden she carried, revealing nothing yet somehow telling him everything.

Whatever this girl did or didn't know would remain a mystery to him, but what did he know, as he watched her walk away with the girls to their booth, was that he needed to be extremely careful around her and keep a watchful eye.

Because she watched him too.

Very closely.

o0o

Apparently, Chiba Mamoru didn't often come up during senshi meetings (not that he was complaining), even after Minako's arrival. Occasional mutterings about whether he was someone of interest and should be watched, which they did, but not very closely.

Until Minako arrived, and then he may as well have been putting on a performance under a spotlight for all the time her eyes spent watching him. Yet Usagi provided constant reassurance that he was still rarely discussed during their meetings, and he had no reason to distrust her.

But the senshi did talk about Tuxedo Kamen extensively, speculating about his true identity, his objectives, and where his allegiances lie.

That last one made him grumble. Had he not made it painfully obvious that his allegiance lay with the senshi? His desire to find the Maboroshi no Ginzuishou notwithstanding, he was only on their side.

He still didn't know what it meant: Minako's dislike of his civilian form and her claiming to not recall Mamoru's alter ego from the senshis' past. But the latter he decided to file away for now. There was already so much about his past Mamoru couldn't remember, that adding in the headache of possible reincarnation was something he just didn't need right now.

If the senshi were questioning his allegiances, then he needed to work harder to prove himself.

And so, Mamoru set out to rewrite the senshi's perspective of Tuxedo Kamen.