Welcome to the first posted chapter of 2022!
I hope the year has been treating you all well!

I very much appreciate everyone who has taken a moment to write a review - your lovely comments have been such a wonderful pick-me-up in an otherwise stressful time!

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Chapter 9: Doubt
Summary: Who is Tsukino Usagi?

A furious Minako paced the length of the control room while a contrite Artemis watched. Luna was curled up in the corner, her back to them both.

"Minako," he called softly, "You didn't know. You can't blame yours-"

But Minako's glare had him snapping his mouth closed and looking away.

She resumed pacing.

The senshi returned to the command center after the generals returned to the Dark Kingdom, Kunzite carrying an unconscious (or dead – jury was still out) Mamoru. Usagi, still enrobed in Serenity's ancient trappings, collapsed down to her knees and sobbed into her hands, occasionally mumbling Mamoru's name through her tears. The senshi shared uneasy glances, each riddled with guilt and unsure how to approach their grieving princess.

Minako respectfully knelt down beside her.

"Princes- Usagi-chan," she corrected at Usagi's hitched breath. "Do you remember me now? And our kingdom? I was the leader of your guardian sensh-"

The devastation clouding Usagi's still crystalline blue eyes stole Minako's voice. "Yes..." Serenity's voice whispered, and Minako's heart clenched at the sound. "I remember..." Her voice was so sad, so heartbroken.

Only after Usagi's face returned to her hands did Minako wince at the pang of guilt slicing through her chest from her disappointment.

This was not at all how she imagined her true reunion with her princess and the other senshi, something she had dreamt of for months; was what spurred her on when the loneliness from fighting as the solitary Sailor V became too much. She had pictured bright smiles and warm embraces. Of course she assumed there would be tears, but not like this...

Usagi allowed the girls to escort her home, but dismissed them at the gate without another glance and walked up to the house on her own. The door flew open before Usagi could pull out her key, revealing a very concerned and very frazzled Tsukino Ikuko.

"Usagi! I've been worried sick! Where on Earth have you been?"

Minako could not see her princess's face, but she didn't miss the way her whole body began to tremble, and the reach of her hands to her mouth, before launching herself into her mother's arms.

"Mama…" she cried, her voice breaking on the last syllable. "It's all my fault…"

Ikuko looked down at her sobbing daughter with a puzzled frown, but her arms wrapped tenderly around Usagi's shaking shoulders and held her close. "Shhhhh…." she soothed, her hand rubbing her back, and she gently ushered Usagi into the house.

The girls awkwardly lingered outside, trying with varying degrees of success to hide their tears, both from each other and their dry-eyed leader. So Minako sent them home with instructions to rest before returning to the Control Center for what was sure to be a long day of meetings and strategy.

But she did not go home herself. There would be no rest for Minako, not yet. She returned to the familiar din of their control center to find Artemis comforting a sniffling Luna, who was crying out her heartbreak for not knowing; for not understanding; for her utter failure as Usagi's partner and her role in causing Usagi's current pain.

But even here, Minako didn't cry. Even as the guilt from her own role in this tragedy overtook the anger.

Because Aino Minako is not a crier.

Sure, she could conjure tears on demand for her own benefit, usually to garner unwarranted sympathy or to get her way. Sometimes her eyes welled up when she was especially passionate or excited about something, or whenever someone found their true love - she is the Senshi of Love, after all.

But Minako could recall only two occasions in either lifetime when she cried genuine tears.

The first was in her former life, when her princess died and their kingdom fell.
The second was when she remembered it in this one.

Though it was only last year it felt a lifetime ago, when her being trapped in that crumbling palace movie set triggered the heart wrenching sense of déjà vu which broke the seal on her memories and allowed her to recall her true self and her true mission; when she ceased to be Sailor V and awoke as Sailor Venus, proud leader of Princess Serenity's Guardian Senshi.

By holding that pain close to her heart, Minako shored up her resolve to not allow history to repeat itself, and with assurances from Artemis that she was granted unfettered access to her previous memories, she worked out a plan and a training regimen, to be led by Luna, to teach Usagi and the sleeping Serenity within her in the Senshi Ways. Serenity was never meant to be a warrior, but Usagi would be. She had to be.

Because when the Dark Kingdom did inevitably find her, she needed to be ready.

But Minako continued to operate under the mantle of Sailor V, working to undermine the Dark Kingdom from afar until her princess was ready to progress to the next level of her training. Zoisite brought her back sooner than anticipated so she was almost too late, but she was ready. That night, Minako re-emerged as Sailor Venus and the aspiring teen actress found herself in her greatest role.

Because when Venus finally rejoined the senshi in this life, she didn't arrive as their fearless leader, but as Princess Serenity herself. It was all part of the plan; to distract the Dark Kingdom from Sailor Moon and the sleeping Maboroshi no Ginzuishou inside her.

But, despite all her hard work, the plan failed.

Whether the Dark Kingdom came to realize Sailor Moon was the true princess or not was irrelevant. The battle on Tokyo Tower, and their strategy in the days leading up to it, highlighted their understanding of Sailor Moon's significant importance in this war.

Unfortunately, it was the Maboroshi no Ginzuishou sealed within Usagi that gave her away.

The Ginzuishou granted Sailor Moon, and only Sailor Moon, the ability to return or replenish the energy stolen by the Dark Kingdom, and this ability painted a large target on her back despite all of Minako's efforts to prevent that very thing. Because it remained sealed away, Sailor Moon could only draw limited amounts of the Ginzuishou's power, an unforeseen weakness which contributed to their current predicament.

When Sailor Moon collapsed, Venus' mind was transported back to the final night of the Silver Millennium, when she found Serenity's cold and bloodied dead body, her once bright crystalline blue eyes dull and vacant; her already pale skin ashen and gray.

But it wasn't just Serenity she saw anymore, but Usagi, now one of her dearest friends, someone Minako would lay down her life to protect even if Usagi didn't have Venus' ancient princess and their most powerful weapon sleeping within her.

But she could not lose herself to her grief, not yet. As leader and acting princess, she could not afford to show such weakness, not to her senshi, not to anyone from the Dark Kingdom who may be watching. So she compartmentalized it with the intention to fall apart later in the privacy of her own bedroom only after her princess received the appropriate medical attention.

But when Minako finally ensconced herself within the sanctuary that was her bedroom and was no longer distracted by her anguish and struggle for composure, she found herself reflecting on the incident instead.

Tuxedo Kamen's behavior had been awfully suspicious.

The way he clenched his hands… and his pleading tone… Minako suspected there was something going on between Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Kamen since the day she arrived but could never prove it. The other girls, whenever asked, were reassuring: Usagi only had a harmless, unrequited crush on the masked warrior, nothing more. Certainly nothing Minako needed to concern herself with.

But Minako was not convinced, even after Usagi vehemently denied her feelings when confronted later. After their meeting adjourned that day and she watched her princess leave, Minako couldn't shake her sense of déjà vu. After all, Serenity and Endymion had carried on a romantic tryst in secret for months before the senshi caught on.

But there was just one problem.

Before the battle on Tokyo Tower, Minako had no idea who Tuxedo Kamen was.

Chiba Mamoru, yes, but not Tuxedo Kamen.

What if Tuxedo Kamen was another Ace, a subordinate of the Dark Kingdom's Shitennou? There were enough similarities – the mask, the secrecy, the showing up at the last minute to provide assistance only to disappear right after – and Minako could not have this man manipulating Usagi as Ace had manipulated her.

Ace was all cocky smiles, teasing embraces, and seemingly romantic gestures, especially at the end when she joined him in China for what she thought was the movie role of a lifetime. But he revealed his true self after her awakening on that ruined palace set, and she had been forced to kill him.

While Tuxedo Kamen lacked Ace's forwardness, Minako didn't miss the way his hands rested on Sailor Moon's stomach or thighs when lifting her out of harm's way, nor the occasional, barely-there slide of his fingers into her hair as he pulled her to him if the situation was especially precarious.

It wasn't that Minako didn't feel cautious relief from his protecting Sailor Moon in ways she could not due to her assumed role as the princess, but she could also see Usagi's reactions to his touches, to having his arms around her... and it reminded Minako far too much of her own reactions to Ace.

The speed in which Tuxedo Kamen's skill and ability grew after she arrived as Serenity all but confirmed Minako's suspicions. So Usagi's continued advocacy for Tuxedo Kamen and his joining their team could only mean one thing: he was manipulating Usagi.

But perhaps she did entertain the possibility that Tuxedo Kamen actually fell for the lunar senshi and would offer up his intention to defect. Was she willing to risk everything for which she had worked so hard, and gave up so much?

No.

No she was not.

Because Ace, despite his chaste kisses and gentle touches; despite his claiming to love her in this life and the last, tried to kill her anyway.

But there was more to this dangerous puzzle Minako could not piece together: why would Serenity's reincarnation even engage with this mysterious warrior when Endymion's reincarnation was right there?!

She knew Mamoru was Endymion the moment her light blue eyes fell upon him that day in the game center. His presence was unmistakable - same jet black hair, intelligent ocean-blue eyes, handsome face. He lacked the self-confidence and swagger of the Crown Prince, but she knew.

And then he turned on his stool as the girls introduced him and light blue met cool ocean-blue, and Minako was transported back in time to the age of the Golden Kingdom, the sounds and smells of modern-day Tokyo fading into the hammer and chisel of stonemasons, whinnying horses, and shouts of soldiers drilling; the perfume of roses for which the kingdom was known, and salty sea air; the whisper of an ancient breeze against her cheek and through her hair; the press of her gloved hand against her princess's arm…

But the man before her was no prince, not anymore. Here, she was not bound by ancient hierarchy so she owed him no respect, no subservience. Plus, she had the advantage, because he didn't know.

Minako took great delight in teasing him, fluttering her lashes and purring his name, knowing he would do nothing but sit there and take it. Mamoru had an air of ingrained politeness which Minako was all too happy to exploit.

But she didn't miss the way Usagi nervously shifted behind her, the wary longing she thought she hid from her face. It was after this exchange that Minako first asked the girls if there was something going on between Usagi and Mamoru, and it would not be the last. Usagi's habitual lateness made it exceedingly easy to check in with the girls about the nature of Usagi's relationship with Mamoru and, later, Tuxedo Kamen.

But every time, she was reassured. No, the girls would always say, Usagi only had a harmless, unreciprocated crush. After all, Chiba Mamoru had a reputation as a breaker of hearts, crushing the hope of the many girls who braved asking him out only to be rejected. It was well understood by the girls within their district that Chiba Mamoru did not date (though it didn't stop many from trying).

But Minako was not satisfied with this explanation.

This was so unlike her princess. Serenity was steadfastly loyal, kind to a fault, her heart so big it had room for everyone she ever met, but she never loved anyone the way she loved Prince Endymion. Yet, there was something going on between Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Kamen just as there was something going on between Usagi and Chiba Mamoru. But what those somethings were, she didn't know.

And she hated it.

She is the Goddess of Love. Sensing and seeing the connections between people – their String of Fate, especially - was her specialty. Her ancient instinct kept nagging at her, and yet...

There were threads, of course – Serenity and Endymion were reborn in the same place and time, after all - but those threads were not yet tied. This had Minako praying to her Mother Star that her instinct was wrong, that Serenity and Endymion had not yet fallen for each other in this life.

With Tuxedo Kamen she saw even less. No strings, no threads. Nothing. Yet his behavior, especially at the end, told her a different story.

So, she continued to watch Tuxedo Kamen as she strove to make Mamoru as uncomfortable as possible. She needed to keep Mamoru away from their group, but especially from Usagi.

The girls didn't understand why this was so important to Minako. His reputation aside, so what if Usagi had a crush on Mamoru? Yes, there was that time Rei was certain she sensed him use an extrasensory ability, but they haven't found nor sensed anything suspicious about him since, despite their surveillance. Besides, Usagi knew better; they'd discussed it before and she agreed.

But Minako couldn't tell them because they didn't yet remember, and it needed to stay that way until it was time to awaken the sleeping Serenity within Usagi.

The love between Princess Serenity and Prince Endymion had doomed them all; claiming Serenity's life and ending their two kingdoms. And the senshi, herself included, were complicit by allowing the forbidden romance to continue even after it was discovered despite the laws, often accompanying Serenity down to Earth as her body guards.

Serenity couldn't get hurt from falling in love, right?

But she did.
They all did.

Minako wished she could leave it be, to let Usagi have this. If Usagi so desired, Minako harbored no doubts that she could warm even the coldest of hearts in the coldest of men.

But as one of Usagi's closest friends in this life, and protector in her former, she would never allow Usagi to have this man.

Because after Endymion wooed Serenity with his charm, obnoxiously handsome face, and breathtaking planet; after he was gifted the heart of the most beautiful and precious person in the entire galaxy, he clawed into it with both of his hands and squeezed and squeezed until there was nothing left but the ruins of two once great kingdoms.

It was a distraught Sailor Venus who found Serenity dead on the crumbling steps of the Moon Palace, Endymion's sword lodged in her breast. Venus received no comfort from his bloody corpse lying beside her because Venus was too consumed by her regret that she hadn't been the one to kill him herself.

Which is why one of Minako's very first vows after she finally awoke as Sailor Venus was to not allow the prince to get his claws into Serenity again. If he even so much as tried in this life, she would be sure to kill him herself this time, consequences be damned.

But Minako had been wrong; so horribly, terribly, devastatingly wrong.

Her memories, which she had been assured were complete and accurate, were actually altered. Distorted.

Manipulated.

She sifted through them as she paced the length of the command center, analyzing and sorting each affected memory, and the more she found, the angrier she became.

Endymion didn't betray Serenity; his devoted love for the lunar princess had him standing beside her when the Terran soldiers attacked the moon, and when his soldiers lay siege to the palace, he sacrificed his life to save hers. Serenity had taken her own life with his fallen sword in her grief.

No, the heartbreaking betrayal was suffered by Endymion when his loyal Shitennou, who for so long resisted the spreading lies and anti-moon propaganda and stood with him against the growing rebellion, suddenly switched sides and took up arms against him in the name of the Dark Kingdom.

This knowledge would have changed everything.

But how did this even happen? Queen Serenity herself sealed their memories and sent them into the future, how -?

Minako fell to her knees with a gasp, her fingers digging into her temples as a vision invaded her mind – a flash of flaming red hair and a billowing creature of darkness lurking in the shadows. When she returned to herself, she barely registered the press of Artemis' front paws on her thigh or his concerned call of her name. Hot tears flooded her eyes but Minako stubbornly refused to let them fall.

This was her doing.

Did she… out of desperation…?

With that creature….?

Minako did not recall her having this kind of power - or any power, really - but there could be no other explanation. Her appearance was different, but that woman at Tokyo Tower could be no one else.

Every gap in Minako's memory, every distortion, only served to further her agenda, sowing distrust and ensuring Endymion's reincarnation remained outside the senshis' circle of protection…

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned…

No.

NO!

She already ruined their lives once, Minako will not allow her to do it again.

Minako will not fail her princess again.

History will not repeat itself.

Determined blue eyes flew to Artemis, startling him off her leg and scampering backwards.

"Artemis," Minako grounded out. "Tell me what you remember about Beryl."

"Mamo-chan!" Usagi called his name through her brightest smile as soon as the arcade doors slid open far enough to allow her entrance. It had been months; months of secrecy; months of pretending they hardly knew each other; months of hidden touches and whispered endearments. But that was over now. Not only did the girls know, but she and Mamoru had been together in a previous life. Who was she to argue against destiny?

Mamoru turned on his stool to greet her, a patient smile pulling up his mouth. But as he turned, so too did the young lady sitting on the stool to his left. Usagi's smile slipped just that little bit.

"Usa," Mamoru said, "you remember Kumi-chan."

'chan?' Usagi tilted her head in confusion. Of course she remembered Kumi; she had the misfortune of remembering all the girls she witnessed confess to or hit on Mamoru when they were forced to pretend they weren't dating. But why-?

"Oh, Mamoru-kun! You were right, she is positively adorable!" Kumi gushed, clapping her hands to her chest. Her brown eyes danced over Usagi, from her trademark hairstyle down to her scuffed Mary Janes. "Usa-chan, it is so wonderful to finally meet you! Mamoru-kun has told me so many nice things!"

"He has?" Her confusion deepened and Usagi frowned, her wary blue eyes shifting to her boyfriend. "Mamo-chan?"

"There it is again! 'Mamo-chan'! I simply adore that nickname! It is so cute! You are so cute! Really, Mamoru-kun," Kumi exclaimed, placing a hand on Mamoru's forearm, "You should bring her around more often!"

"'Bring aroun...'" Usagi's brow furrowed. What was happening? Why is this girl speaking to Mamoru so informally? And touching him? Why was he letting her? "Mamo-chan, what's going on?"

"Seriously, Usa?" The edge in his voice gave her pause. "You've forgotten again? Just how many times do I have to tell you the same thing before you remember it?"

She blinked away the prick of tears and lifted a hand to curl against the growing constriction in her chest. Mamoru shook his head and tsked at the hurt surging through her. "You do this to yourself, you know. Maybe if you exercised your brain by actually studying and doing your homework as often as you exercise your mouth by eating, you'd be better able to remember the things you're told."

Her jaw dropped and shocked eyes flew to his, widening at the lack of remorse for speaking to her so cruelly.

"Usa." The exasperated way Mamoru sighed her name sliced through her, but it had nothing on the piercing ache in her chest when he covered Kumi's hand on his arm with his own. "Kumi-chan is my girlfriend."

The sounds of the arcade fell away until Usagi only heard the echo of his voice. '...my girlfriend...'

But...

Isn't she...

Weren't they...

No, she must have misheard him. Throughout this entire war with the Dark Kingdom, if there was one thing about which she had been absolutely certain, it was his feelings for her. He reassured her so many times, through his words and his touches, that he was hers, and she believed him.

Didn't she?

"Mamo-chan," she croaked from her failing confidence, her fingers digging into her skirt. "I don't understand... I thought... aren't you and I..."

"What? You and him?" Kumi lost herself to a fit of giggles and hid her mouth behind one delicate hand. "Really, Usa-chan, you are just too much!"

Kumi's laugh badly wounded her already aching and confused heart, and then Mamoru's warm chuckle cracked it full of tiny fissures.

"Usa, Usa, Usa, whatever am I going to do with you?" His face now reflecting his amusement. "How many times do I have to tell you? You and I never dated, that's just something you made up in that silly little head of yours." His hand gently patted her head as he finished speaking but Usagi was too broken to do anything more than numbly stare.

"I would never date you. You're far too young and childish. But, Kumi-chan..." When Mamoru's head turned towards Kumi, that smile became heartrendingly tender. Warm. Loving. Before today, Usagi thought that smile was hers. "Kumi-chan is far more worthy of me."

Mamoru's fingertips brushed against Kumi's cheek and she leaned into his touch with a contented sigh before covering his hand with hers. "She goes to an all-girl's high school equal in rank to my own, where she gets excellent grades. She isn't clumsy like you, Usa, and I'm not embarrassed to be seen with her. She's just... She's everything."

And with that same smile – her smile – Mamoru leaned over and softly kissed the now blushing Kumi's lips.

Searing pain exploded within Usagi's chest with the shattering of her heart, and her tears to finally fell unchecked. Every ragged breath, every cry, burned as if her lungs were scraping against the jagged pieces of her broken heart.

Mamoru tsked in annoyance. "Really, Usa," He chided. "Crying again?"

"Oh, don't tease her, Mamoru-kun. She's so young!" Usagi couldn't see the other girl through her tears but felt Kumi's hand fall onto her shoulder. "Don't cry, Usa-chan! It's OK! I know you're sad that your Mamo-chan is dating someone who isn't you but, really, it's for the best!"

"She's right, Usa," Mamoru confirmed. "Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed hanging out with you in secret, but once I learned you were Serenity's reincarnation, I knew I deserved better, because she was better. No one could replace Serenity, least of all you, but if anyone could come close, it would be Kumi-chan."

Mamoru lifted Kumi's hand to his lips to place a gentle kiss against her knuckles. "Kumi," her name a reverent prayer on his lips, "I love y-"

Usagi's gasping sob wrenched her awake, harshly liberating her from yet another heartbreaking nightmare. Her fingers clawed into her pink bunny and moon comforter as her tears fell in hot streams down her cheeks; her heart once again in shambles.

She didn't know how many days passed since Mamoru's sacrifice and capture by the Dark Kingdom, but she was struggling to move on from her anguish and grief because her mind renewed both every time she slept.

She dreamed of his suffering.
She dreamed of him dying.
She dreamed of their sweetest moments together, a cruel reminder of what she lost.
But, most recently, she dreamed of her own doubts.

Before her awakening, she knew exactly who she was.

She was Tsukino Usagi, the endearingly clumsy teenage girl who loved to eat, sleep, read manga, and play video games; who hated school and homework; who was surrounded by so many friends. She was also the Guardian of Love and Justice, Sailor Moon.

Before her awakening, she never once doubted the place she held within Mamoru's heart.

Because of his smile, the warmth in his ocean-blue eyes, the movements of his hands on her skin, the way he said her name with such reverence and love.

But after her awakening, she felt stripped of her sense of agency, and questioned everything.

Who is Tsukino Usagi?

Is she the clumsy, optimistic teen who wears her heart on her sleeve?
Or is she simply the disguise worn by a sleeping princess, to be discarded after that princess awoke?

Her memories of Serenity were of an angelic goddess revered by her people: beautiful, kind, graceful. And the way Endymion, the man with Mamoru's face, looked at her...

In fairness, Usagi could admit she sometimes found Mamoru looking at her with a similar expression when the two were alone, usually with his hands on her skin and right before whispering his beloved nickname for her in her ear.

But she isn't just Usagi anymore, is she? Endymion, now Mamoru, loved the literal goddess inside her.

How is Tsukino Usagi even supposed to compete with her?

Usagi isn't Serenity.
And she doesn't want to be anyone's consolation prize.

Is she expected to change; to become a different person? Do any of them - Luna, the senshi, or Mamoru - expect her to be the princess she apparently used to be?

She doesn't want to be someone else.
She wants to be Usagi.

She was happy with who she was: the happy-go-lucky girl who loves her family and her many friends, who is not embarrassed to love what she loves and eat what she eats; the girl with whom Mamoru fell in love.

At least... he did fall in love with Usagi... right?

Or were his feelings the result of his psychometry picking up the hidden part of her that was Serenity? He did once say he thought the princess might be like her. Did he sense something within her she didn't sense in herself? Is that why he dated her? Is that why he fell for her?

Is that why he protected her on the tower? After all, it wasn't her name he whispered at the end, but Serenity's.

Who is Tsukino Usagi?

Usagi's long hair and unique style was her pride and joy. When she was younger, Usagi thoroughly researched hair care products and experimented with different care regimens until she found the one best suited for her hair type, which she diligently followed without fail. She went to the salon for regular trims to keep the ends nice and healthy.

But this wasn't Usagi's signature style.
It was Serenity's; a symbol of her status as Lunar royalty.

Usagi was well known in school for her friendly nature and tact. If you weren't friends with Tsukino Usagi, it was only because you hadn't met her yet.
Protocol and diplomacy was drilled into Serenity from a very young age, and she was well regarded for her charm and geniality.

Usagi was deeply in love with Chiba Mamoru.
But Mamoru is the reincarnation of Serenity's lover, the Crown Prince Endymion.

Usagi was scared of thunderstorms, something her brother was quick to tease her for every time she cowered from the thunderous booms.
Booms which sounded awfully similar to the sounds of ancient war – clashing swords and shields, explosive elemental powers.

Usagi's greatest fear, far greater than her fear of failing her high school entrance exams or even dying, was being left all alone in this world; of losing all the important people in her life.

The instant a young Usagi lost sight of her mother in a store, even if just for a moment, she'd start wailing at the top of her lungs, certain her mother had abandoned her. Her parents couldn't have a date night for years after Usagi's birth because Usagi would cry and sob until she made herself sick despite their assurances they would return to her.

Her mother fretted over sending her to school but sent her anyway, and Usagi took to it surprisingly well. As she forged friendships, many she still carried to this day, her abandonment fears slowly abated – never fully resolving, but becoming far less disruptive – until her family was finally able to lead a relatively normal life.

Serenity lost EVERYTHING.

Her home.
Her mother.
Her people.
Her dearest friends.
The love of her life.

All on the same day.

And she killed herself in her grief.

Who was Tsukino Usagi if not a glorified caretaker of an ancient princess's physical body?

Even now she could feel Serenity within her, an invading presence whose baggage took up far too much space within Usagi's conflicted mind.

Take away the parts of her that were Serenity, what was left? A lazy, loud, clumsy, childish, and absent-minded girl who would rather read manga, play games, and sleep than do anything remotely productive.

And what of her relationship with Mamoru?

The day she met Chiba Mamoru was, up until then, the strangest day of her young life.

She was prone to crushes - she could admit that about herself - drawn to both the inner and outer beauty of those around her, regardless of gender. But those crushes were fleeting.

Never were her crushes quite like this.

She felt something when their fingers brushed, and in that moment found herself lost within the most beautiful pair of eyes she'd ever seen, ocean blue, the same color as the Earth in those pictures taken from space she sometimes saw in the textbooks she didn't like to open.

And she fell for him.

Hard.

Despite him insulting her grades and her hair.

After she snatched back her test and rescued herself from nearly drowning in those blue eyes, she turned away and went straight home, muttering about his wearing an obnoxious tuxedo in the middle of the afternoon in an attempt to distract herself from the powerful and confusing emotions surging through her, even as her face burned and her heart pounded wildly in her chest.

As if that wasn't strange enough, she came home to a talking cat, a magical brooch, and a lecture about destiny, and later that evening found herself standing in her best friend's family jewelry store wearing an incredibly short skirt to fight monsters she previously believed only existed in video games, books, and movies.

Then Tuxedo Kamen appeared in his dashing tuxedo and mysterious white mask, and she flushed so hard she was sure her heart was literally beating in her eyes.

Two men, two impossibly strong reactions, same day.

And both were equally unattainable – Tuxedo Kamen could be a potential enemy according to Luna, and Mamoru was the epitome of maturity and stature, so there was no way he would be interested in a girl a full three grades younger who was loud, immature, and earned horrible grades.

Even when he took the time to help her clumsy self up from the sidewalk after she inevitably crashed into him nearly every day afterwards, and flashed her the smirk which flustered her so, she refused to believe he could be even remotely interested in her.

No, she would never be his girlfriend, she concluded.
But she could be his friend.

She was great at being someone's friend; one of the best, even. And no one needed a friend more than Mamoru. She had a sense for these things. If there could be a silver lining to her deep fear of utter loneliness and abandonment, it was the ability to sense it in other people.

And Mamoru gave her major lonely vibes.

So she pushed down her feelings, shoving them deep, deep down, to focus on becoming the best possible friend she could be, even if his calling her 'Usa' nearly broke her resolve almost as soon as she made it.

No thanks to her senshi business, mornings were the only part of the day she was reasonably free, so she forced herself out of bed at an unreasonable hour and dragged herself down the street to meet him.

At first, talking to Mamoru was like having a conversation with someone who didn't fully speak the same language. Usagi typically relied on facial expressions and body language for direction, but Mamoru was a statue; if he wasn't smirking at her his face was bland and unreadable, his posture stiff and closed off.

She didn't get her first glimpse of genuine emotion until the day she gave him her phone number; when she stepped into his personal space and wrote it on his hand without thinking because that is just something she did. And it wasn't until she was finishing the scribble of the bunny which was her signature did it dawn on her that she may have been too forward. But then he stared down at his hand with an almost wondrous expression, and she felt hope bubble up in her chest for the first time.

That breakthrough finally cracked the code to his body language, and she slowly learned to read him - when it was fine to ramble on, when to stop talking, when to change the subject, when it was OK for a light touch – and eventually his true personality began to shine through his bland expressions like the rays of the sun peeking through dark clouds after a storm. His smiles affected her the most, setting her heart aflutter and her hand clutching her bag to keep from reaching for his. Those smiles had her falling all over again.

But Makoto joining the team changed everything. "I know you have a crush on him, Usagi-chan," Luna said with kind patience, "and I let you be until now, but you can't date him. Your duties and commitments as a senshi, which he absolutely cannot know about, take precedence over all other things! Don't you think your mornings would be better spent walking to school with Ami-chan and Mako-chan?"

Usagi's shoulders slumped along with her heart.

No, she didn't. But it was pointless to argue.

Worse, she wasn't given a chance to tell him, not right away, and when she did, his obvious disappointment punctured holes into her heart. Their mornings together clearly meant something to him too, but now any chance she may have had to get closer was gone.

When Mamoru started showing up at Crown Usagi told herself there was no way he was there because of her. He'd had her number for weeks by this time and had yet to call her, so he must not be interested in her that way.

But she wanted him to be there because of her.

So, so badly.

Rei caught her staring sometimes but never said a word. She would throw Usagi an exasperated look until she noticed, blushed, and then redirected her attention back to their meeting. No, Rei didn't say anything at all until Mamoru used what Usagi now knows was his psychometry and suddenly the girls were having extra meetings at the shrine to learn how to guard their minds and emotions from those who may try to gain access.

It was during a break, while Luna was discussing her research with Ami and Makoto was setting up their snacks, that Rei finally said something.

Usagi was overlooking the shrine's courtyard when Rei knelt down beside her, looking regal and resplendent in her robes. "Listen, about Mamoru-san... You know you can't go out with him, right? I see the way you look at him... I-I won't say I understand; you know how I feel about men." Rei wrinkled her nose. "But I know what I sensed. This is for your safety; all of ours. And his too."

"I'm not sure what you mean?" Usagi nervously responded, her face warm and fingers playing with her skirt. Rei's raised eyebrow told Usagi she saw right through her.

"Usagi, you can't." Her voice was kind, sympathetic even. It caught Usagi right in the chest.

Her fingers began clawing into her skirt, bunching the fabric. "I know," Usagi sighed.

"Usagi."

The courtyard swam. "I just..." Usagi took a shaky breath and shook her head. "Look, it doesn't matter. He isn't interested in me anyway..."

Her tears finally slipped silently down her cheeks. Rei once again said nothing, but she did slide a warm arm around Usagi's shoulders and pull her close, and ran a comforting hand through Usagi's hair while she cried.

Usagi did understand. It made sense. If it was Mamoru Rei sensed that day then she should be wary until they knew more, until they could be sure he was not an enemy. But even if he isn't their enemy, dating Mamoru might lead to him discovering her secret identity, and that knowledge could place him at grave risk.

Logically, Usagi understood this.
But Usagi tended to think with her heart rather than her brain.

Still, she intended to listen, she really did. But then Usagi had the misfortune of witnessing one of Mamoru's infamous confessions, and he had been so polite, and the other girl had gotten him so wrong. The rage burning within Usagi was foreign, but the protective instinct flaring within her was not. She was protective of all her friends, but NO ONE deserved to be spoken to the way this girl in her fancy school uniform spoke to Mamoru.

But her heart also broke because he just... accepted it... she could see it written all over his face and in his slumped shoulders.

No, she could not let this stand.

She would prove to Mamoru he was capable of loving another person, even if that someone wasn't her. She wasn't allowed to date him anyway, right?

So Usagi locked her feelings for him away using her newly learned meditative abilities – really, this was best for the sake of her heart – and made an effort to spend time with Mamoru again, this time without Luna and her friends knowing.

But her resolve slipped the very first day.

That first afternoon spent walking to the lake was wonderful – he was a warm, quiet, pleasant presence beside her – and she spent the whole time resisting the urge to grab his hand because she knew if she did, she'd never let it go. When the two awkwardly lingered afterwards, her heart screamed at her to tell him how she felt while Rei's and Luna's warnings echoed within her mind.

She was a fool to think she could do this and not get hurt. She understood this now.

Yet she couldn't stay away. The draw to Mamoru was simply too strong, even stronger than the draw to Tuxedo Kamen. She crushed hard on both, but she knew who she would pick if given a choice, what she would be willing to give up just to keep Mamoru smiling at her that way...

Really, it was inevitable that she would slip up. It just felt right, standing beside him in the park, her hand curled into the crook of his elbow and her head on his arm, and she became lost, for just a moment, in allowing herself to imagine...

Mamoru told her later he had agonized over her feelings for him for weeks, that if not for his ability, he might have tried to work up the courage to confess to her much sooner. His sincerity had rendered her speechless, setting her heart aflutter and cheeks aflame, and she wound a hand into his tie to pull him down for a sweet and tender kiss.

She thought breaking up with him was the most painful thing she'd ever experienced until she had to endure his sad eyes; the protective wrap of his arms and press of his hands whenever he saved her in battle, so different from before because now he knew who she was; the look he gave her as he healed her wounds whenever she chastised him for not healing his own first; watching other girls enjoy their freedom to freely converse with him and confess their feelings.

She still had to endure these things after her resolve broke for the very last time and they got back together, but it was manageable because they were together, because he was hers.

And she would do it all again – the secrecy, the hidden touches and whispered endearments, the lies to her friends and senshi.

Because if there was one thing about which she was absolutely certain, it was her love for Chiba Mamoru.

But now, as she sat up in her bed with her fingers clawing into her bedspread and her tears coursing hot trails down her face, as her guilt from his sacrifice ate her alive while she simultaneously drowned in her grief, she could no longer be certain Chiba Mamoru loved Tsukino Usagi.

Mamoru didn't call.

After Motoki learned of Mamoru's secret identity and the initial shock wore off, he grabbed Mamoru by the stupidly fancy jacket he wore to fight monsters and made Mamoru swear he would call after every battle, day or night, so Motoki would know he was safe.

Which Mamoru did, without fail. Honestly, Motoki always suspected Mamoru took great pleasure in waking his ass up from the dead of sleep in the middle of the goddamn night, if the stupid smirk on his stupid face that looked infuriatingly too well-rested in contrast to Motoki's yawns and occasional bags under his eyes because, yes, it was incredibly stressful having to constantly worry about these two very important people in his life, was any indication. And Mamoru always had the gall to ask Motoki if he had a rough night.

Bastard.

So why didn't he call this time?

Everyone was talking about the events at Tokyo Tower – the floating lights; the lightning, fire, and water seemingly conjured from nothing; the screams and inhuman growls reverberating throughout the city. But it was the bright white light which had illuminated the night sky that had everyone so worked up.

That white light, which was somehow brighter than the sun yet caused no pain when looked at directly, was hailed as a miracle. The local hospitals would experience a record number of discharges in the days which followed, including their sickest and most terminally ill patients; all inexplicably cured of their illnesses and conditions, acute and chronic alike.

And the city's flora never looked better. Plants were blooming many hadn't seen in years. The parks were lush and full.

Motoki watched from his bedroom window with growing awe and apprehension, and when those lights finally went out, he sat on his bed with his phone in his hand to wait for Mamoru's call.

He fell asleep waiting, and when he woke up his phone showed no missed messages. And no missed calls.

Motoki tried not to worry when Mamoru wasn't at school that day, reassuring himself that his friend was probably sleeping the day away after such a late and intense battle, and, knowing Mamoru, he would be sure to call Motoki right after he woke up.

But when Mamoru didn't call that evening, and still wasn't at school the following day, a pit formed in the dead center of Motoki's gut, growing and festering as the seconds turned to minutes and the minutes to hours, and his calls to Mamoru's apartment between classes continued to go unanswered.

The second the final bell rang, Motoki was out of his seat and out the door, pushing past his classmates in his haste, and he ran all the way to Mamoru's apartment building without stopping. Lacking the patience for the elevator and further spurred on by his adrenaline, he took the stairs up two at a time. The disheveled, sweaty, and completely out of breath Motoki somehow managed gentle knocks on Mamoru's door, but when he received no immediate response those gentle knocks with his knuckle became pounding blows with the side of his fist.

One of Mamoru's neighbors poked her head out into the hallway to reprimand Motoki for the noise but he paid her no mind and instead began clumsily rifling through his satchel for Mamoru's spare key. His hands were shaking so much it took three attempts, including dropping it once, to fit the key into the lock, and as soon as that key turned Motoki carelessly flung open the door and into the wall with a loud bang, and ran inside without bothering to remove his shoes.

The apartment was silent, dark, and very much empty.

He meticulously searched each and every room of the small apartment anyway, noting the Mamoru's favorite coffee cup resting upside down in the strainer beside the dry skin; the dry tub and shower and clean, dry towels in the bathroom; the made bed and Mamoru's book resting on the bedside table in the bedroom.

The balcony door was unlocked but that wasn't usual for a superhero who frequently used rooftops as a mode of transportation.

In the living room Motoki found Mamoru's homework and textbooks neatly stacked on the coffee table, his reading glasses laying uncharacteristically open on the near opposite side of the small table. His satchel was leaning against one of the legs.

Widened eyes frantically searched for the date Mamoru always scribbled before taking notes, and found only one on the half-filled page.

Two days ago.
The day of the battle.

Mamoru did come home after the battle…

…didn't he?

Hands flew into his hair as all of his panic and adrenaline and fear came roaring back, but he managed to calm himself down after several slow, deep breaths.

Before we actually panic, he thought, let's call Usagi.

He succeeded in quashing his initial flare of anxiety when her phone went straight to voicemail because Usagi was notoriously forgetful when it came to charging her phone, and immediately called her home instead. But her fretting mother answered after far too many rings. "I'm so sorry, Motoki-kun, but Usagi-chan isn't taking calls or seeing friends right now." Her sigh was slow, deep, and shaky. "She won't tell me what happened, but I'm worried it was something terrible..."

Motoki mumbled his thanks over her words and ended the call without looking at his phone.

And he stood staring, but not really seeing, until his legs gave out and he collapsed onto Mamoru's chair, the force of his hand hitting the cushion knocking his phone from his grasp. It landed somewhere on the carpeted floor with a dull thud, where it would remain for the next several hours.

Notes:

I didn't want to throw anything spoilery up at the top there, but wanted share that a lot of Minako's section, especially the parts concerning Ace, was pulled from the Sailor V manga "Codename: Sailor V."
If you haven't yet read it, you should!

I knew, since the day I posted my very first chapter, that this chapter (9), and the one which follows (10), would be my Waterloo. I struggled with these chapters when I originally wrote them, and I struggled now, because this chapter was so important; revealing all that detail and knowledge we missed or simply didn't have access to because we spent the majority of this story in Mamoru's head. And all that info needed to be relayed in a way that wouldn't be boring or tedious for you all to read.

So, I hope I was successful in not only answering all your questions, but that this chapter was at least somewhat entertaining.
Though I struggled to write it, I am quite proud of how it turned out.

In the course of working on these chapters, I was in desperate need of a change of pace, so I took a break and wrote new OS entitled "Consequences", an M-rated little romp which takes place during Princess D's Masquerade Ball.
If you haven't already done so, I hope you'll check it out.

Until next time!