Chapter 20: Pathways
"Let's take it from the top shall we, Maria?" Max suggested calmly, ignoring the fact that for the first time Maria's voice was faltering as she rehearsed in the library for her Festival performance.
Maria took a deep breath, trying to gather her composure. Her voice was disobeying her commands, and it frightened her. That had never happened before. She couldn't seem to get the pitch right and her breathing was too shallow. She even missed a high C sharp note which she usually found effortless. She had always taken her voice control for granted. The music had just seemed to flow out of her, reaching an extensive range of notes with ease. Ever since she had been a little girl singing her heart out in the trees in her uncle's garden, music had been her solace and her joy. It defined her sense of who she was. To find that she was actually struggling for once completely unnerved her.
It was now two mornings since her disastrous dance with the Captain and she was due to perform at the Festival on the fourth evening. What if her voice had completely deserted her, she wondered in a moment of panic. She remembered that what had enabled her to sing at the ball was to think of her love for the Captain. She summoned up his face, but all she could see were his Arctic blue eyes like icy chips when he danced with her. She felt the hurt piercing her again, like opening the wound in her heart.
But Max was being patient with her, soothing her, as she tried again and hit another wrong note.
"It's alright Maria. Not to worry. I suspect there is a great deal of emotion blocking your voice right now. Your voice has gone into hiding temporarily. The best thing to do is to give it a rest for the moment. I have to attend the Festival shortly, but what I want you to do is to spend the day on your mountain and just breathe in great lung-fulls of that crisp, restorative air. You can sing and shout all you like up there."
He patted her hand and smiled. "You can even curse and use words that would make your dear Sister Berthe faint. Just do whatever you need to do to get those emotions that are holding your voice hostage to come out."
Maria flushed slightly, embarrassed. She knew that Max had guessed her feelings for the Captain but he had never said anything to her directly. He was tactful and sensitive and she felt so grateful to him.
"I don't want to let you down," she whispered.
He looked at her kindly. "My dear, you could never let me down. Even though I am usually a shameless fiend, and, as Georg tells me regularly, an exploiter of gifted young postulants, I don't want you to feel pressured to perform on Thursday. It doesn't matter to me. I've already had the pleasure of rubbing Sascha's nose in your spectacular talent at the ball. Now why don't you get ready to go to the Untersberg."
"But I have to look after the children today," Maria protested.
"Leave it to me," Max said, and left her.
He was gone so long that Maria almost wondered if he had forgotten about her. But then he was back.
"It's all settled, Georg said he wants to spend the day with the children today."
Maria looked at him with astonishment. "All on his own?"
"Yes," Max replied gravely. He didn't need to say more because Maria immediately understood why. The Captain would be sending the children away soon and every moment he spent with them was precious. Time was running out.
She could feel her heart breaking. She wanted to weep for this family who had become her whole world, and who were about to be torn apart. It made her own battered little heart seem so trivial by comparison to what they were all facing.
She swallowed hard, wondering when the Captain would tell the children and if he needed her help to break the news to them. She resolved to talk the Captain this evening and offer whatever help she could to ease the situation for the children. No more moping about her own unrequited feelings she told herself sternly, there were far more important things to deal with.
She got ready in her room but the laughter from the driveway drew her to the window. She looked down to see the children and the Captain packing fishing rods, picnic baskets, footballs and skipping ropes into the car. From her position above him above she could see the luxuriant thickness of his chestnut hair, ruffled slightly in the breeze.
Her breath caught at how different he looked. The moleskin trousers, leather boots and open-necked linen shirt gave him a rugged appeal she realised with equal parts mortification and fascination. In his normal suits he looked elegant and cultured, exuding authority; in his formal evening-wear he had looked devastatingly handsome; but now, in his outdoor clothes he emanated a raw power, barely leashed, like a panther or a wolf.
She could feel herself blushing hotly. Her physical enthrallment with him continued to embarrass her. Was it only two months ago that she had planned to be a nun? Now she couldn't take her eyes off him, her gaze drawn irresisitably to his physical presence. His arrant masculinity and the confident way he carried himself, tugged at something deeply feminine within her, making her feel ashamed of her helpless response. He looked commanding and…. A word barged into her head uninvited, and she felt shocked and appalled that she not only had such a word in her vocabulary, but that she now had found a use for it. He looked virile. She shivered with the power of it.
Whatever he was saying as he packed the car was making the children laugh and twirl and bounce about in a chaos of happiness. Maria's heart melted to see how excited the children were. The little ones were clinging to their father as he organized everything with brisk efficiency. He occasionally paused to drop kisses on their heads, making them squirm with delight. That turned to squeals of laughter when he picked them up and pretended to pack them into the back of the car too.
The Captain glanced up at her window, a giggling Gretl in his arms. For a moment the piercing blue of his eyes pinned her in place. It was a look so potent that the force of it almost had her taking a step back, but she couldn't decipher it. The intensity of the look floored her for a moment, but then she saw his mouth slide into that ironic half smile that she knew so well. He gave her a mocking little salute as the children noticed where he was looking and starting waving and shouting at her. Maria waved back, watching with her heart full of love as they all piled into the car.
The boys clutched oars that wouldn't fit in the back and the little girls were spread out on various laps in the open-topped car. With a rumble of the engine, and the spraying up of gravel from the tires, they were off. A faint cloud of dust and the echo of the children's noisy chatter were all that remained behind.
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Maria's day on the mountain was just what she needed to clear the cobwebs out of her head. She walked along various trails, stopping often to breathe in the magnificence of God's creation. No matter how often she saw them, she was always stunned by the grandeur of snowy peaks reaching up to the heavens, and the lush valleys carpeted in forests of vibrant green. She paused at a little brook gurgling its way to a waterfall. She let the icy water trickle through her fingers, lost in thought.
Yesterday had been puzzling. The Baroness had mysteriously disappeared while Maria and the children were on their outing, and she didn't know why. The Captain had found them drinking lemonade outside on the terrace when they returned home. He had made a big production of shuddering in horror at the pink liquid as he sipped it. It had made the children laugh uproariously and then, to their surprise, he had made the simple announcement.
"The Baroness decided she missed her life in Vienna too much, she had to leave us. She won't be coming back."
Maria and the children had just stared at him in astonishment and there was a silence for a moment as they digested the news. Then both adults had pretended not to see as the children exchanged jubilant glances with each other. For just a second the Captain's eyes had met hers as she stared at him in shock. It was a merest instant but the look seemed to detonate between them. Her heart felt as if it had stopped. But she did not know how to interpret it. Was she imagining that the Captain was trying to convey something to her? But what? Was he devastated that the Baroness had left? It was hard to tell. But then he had gone.
She sighed, confused, and got up again, walking on past the little stream. There was so much she didn't understand but it didn't matter, not in the wider scheme of things. Far below she could see Nonnberg Abbey nestled in Salzburg in the distance, with its beautiful bell tower and venerable stone walls. She smiled, Nonnberg would always be in her heart no matter what path she took. She could faintly hear the nuns singing on the way to Vespers just as she had when she was a little girl. It suffused her whole being with tranquillity tinged with a hint of melancholy.
Her footsteps eventually led to a tiny church with an onion-domed steeple, tucked away in a mountain village she used to visit before she became a postulant. She felt the peace envelop her as she stepped inside reverently, feeling the hush and serenity of God's presence in her soul. This little church, with its beautifully polished, ancient wooden beams and pews, had borne witness to so many of life's most profound moments: bells pealing joyfully when couples joined together in holy matrimony, and as parents offered their babies for baptism; but tolling mournfully when loved ones entrusted a soul to God's grace.
She looked around, breathing in the soothing scent of aged wood and incense. Through the simple stained-glass windows beams of sunlight shone through like a benediction. Her eyes caught sight of a statue of the Blessed Virgin, and she knelt and bowed her head in fervent prayer for the Captain and his children.
Through her prayers she felt the surge of realisation welling up inside her. It was suddenly so obvious the path that God was offering her, that she wondered why she hadn't thought of it before. If the Captain was determined to do his duty to defend his country then she would offer to take care of his children until he returned to them. For the first time in a long time she felt at peace. This must be the Lord's plan for her. She crossed herself and rose, feeling as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.
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When she got back to the villa, the Captain and the children were still on their outing, so she wandered down to the garden near the lake. While watching the gentle ripples on the lake she became aware of singing in the distance, the sound carried along softly on the breeze.
Curiously, she went down to the gates of the boat landing to investigate. To her delight and surprise she saw the children and the Captain in a rowboat.
The Captain had his back to her but even from this distance she could see the lean muscles through his shirt, cording in his back and arms as he rowed. It made her shiver with guilty pleasure. Just as she had this morning, she reflected with embarrassed enjoyment, just how astonishingly attractive he was.
The children were exuberantly belting out a song and to her amusement she realised it was the 'Do Re Mi' song she had taught them on her first night at the villa. She looked on in happiness at their high spirits; even the Captain's back seemed relaxed.
As they came closer Kurt spotted her and immediately stood up, shouting and waving enthusiastically, unheeding that the boat started wobbling precariously. Maria heard the Captain shout out a warning to Kurt to sit down, but it was too late. Louisa and Friedrich shot up as well when they saw Maria, waving just as eagerly, the three younger girls joining in too.
Within an instant the boat was tipping dramatically. For Maria it almost seemed to happen in slow motion, but she was helpless to do anything, as, with limbs flailing wildly, they all tumbled into the water. She covered her cheeks in shock, unsure whether to jump in and rescue the children. But with relief she saw they were alright. The sheer absurdity of the situation and the children's happiness had the laughter bubbling up in her.
The children were shouting with delight, all of them emerging from the lake in soggy clothes, water dripping everywhere. The little ones were being carried in their father's arms as he sloshed through the water, striding ashore. What made it more hilarious was how drenched the Captain looked, with his hair and clothes plastered to him. Was that pond weed she could see clinging to his shoulder? And there was something green and slimy on his shirt. She put a hand to her mouth to stifle her peals of laughter as he stepped up to the landing with a loud squelching in his boots. He placed the little girls on the ground and they scampered off to be with their elated siblings.
The Captain scowled at Maria but she could tell he was exasperated rather than angry.
"So, you think this is funny do you Fraulein?" he asked with contrived menace.
'No sir," she denied, trying to put on a serious face but failing miserably as the mirth burst through anyway. She had to lean against the statues as tears came into her eyes. A vivid image came to her, of him struggling to balance the boat but losing the battle, and falling in with an undignified splash. For a nautical man it must be especially galling. She laughed harder.
He glared at her but she could see the amusement at the edge of his mouth that he was forcing down. For a moment they were both transported back to an earlier time, full of mischief and playful, taunting banter, before she had been overwhelmed by her feelings for him and before he had hurt her with his casual indifference.
The Captain gave her an unconvincing intimidating look and just rolled his eyes at her merriment. He turned his attention to his disobedient crew, but they were breathless with exhilaration, and shaking themselves off like wet puppies.
"Alright all of you, line up," he said with mock fierceness.
Knowing that he wasn't angry, the children obeyed with a slap of wet sandals and water-logged clothes on the tiles. They were still laughing uncontrollably.
"Kurt, front and centre!" he ordered, though there was faint amusement lurking in his eyes.
His younger son stepped forward, sliding a bit on the slippery tiles. He was beaming from ear to ear, clearly thrilled and proud that he had unintentionally pulled off a glorious stunt that would live forever in the family's memories.
"What is the first rule of sailing in small dinghies?" the Captain growled to the hapless boy.
Kurt replied with a cheeky grin, "Don't stand up."
"Correct. Hit the deck."
Kurt dropped amiably to the ground and started fifty push-ups. Friedrich and Louisa joined him in solidarity, while the girls counted out, giggling all the while. Marta and Gretl broke their places in the line-up to hug their father around the waist, speechless with wonder at their exciting misadventure.
Maria's heart swelled to see how openly affectionate they were with him, and with a catch in her throat, she saw the tender way the Captain held them close to him.
"Now, go inside, dry off and clean up. I have a good mind to deny you ship's rations tonight," he threatened, but they knew he was bluffing by the twinkle in his eyes.
The children took off, still full of joy and laughter. It seemed nothing could dampen their spirits.
When they were gone there was an awkward silence as the Captain turned to her.
"Er, Captain….. the boat," Maria pointed out, relieved to be able to be able to say something to break the tension.
With a curse the Captain saw it drifting off. He took off his boots, and with a disagreeable grunt, he drained the water from them. Maria fought the impulse to start laughing again. But she should have taken note of the dangerous, teasing gleam in his eyes when he glanced at her. For a moment Maria couldn't comprehend what he was about to do, but when he started to unbutton his sodden shirt, she stared at him in shock, her mouth open with a gasp. He raised wickedly amused, arrogant eyebrows at her, that familiar lopsided smirk on his face, clearly enjoying disconcerting her.
Blushing scarlet, she stammered, "I…uhm…I had better see to the children." She fled, feeling distinctly flustered, her skin prickling with heat.
Was that a chuckle she could hear? But she didn't stop to turn around and look until she was near the house. She could see him cutting cleanly through the water with powerful strokes, pursuing the drifting boat. With goosebumps breaking out all over her skin she saw that his upper torso was definitely bare.
A disdainful Franz opened the door and she almost chuckled as she imagined what the butler's expression would be when the drenched Captain reappeared.
Sobering, she went up the stairs, shadows dancing on the walls around her. Her heart ached with love for the Captain. Tonight, she resolved, she would tell him she would not return to the Abbey and therefore she could look after his children for him.
She would talk to him after her evening singing practice with Max. With a start she remembered how her voice had floundered this morning when she had rehearsed for the Festival. It seemed like such a long time ago after her eventful day. Surely her voice would have come back by now.
She crossed her fingers.
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A/N Thank you for reading and I would love to know your thoughts.