Delphine wakes up and looks outside. Her plans for a day outside of Toronto are dashed. She looks out her sixth floor window, noting the parking lot completely covered in snow. She quickly begins reformulating a new plan, something a little closer to home. This will be cleared up in a couple hours, and they could still get around walking and using the subway.
It takes an hour for Cosima to call. "Hey. I think we're snowed out. I'm sorry."
"I know." Delphine nods. "But.. they will clean all this up. It will just take… a little time."
Cosima is quick to try to comfort her. "Hey, there's plenty we can do in the city."
"And it's not Scandinave, but my condo building has a sauna and a whirlpool."
"A hot tub?" Cosima clarifies. "You want me to bring my bathing suit?"
"Yes. We can sit there with all the seniors in my building." Delphine laughs. "Actually it is usually pretty empty."
"OK… And… for our adventure?"
"I … we could go the AGO again? Wander around the PATH underground and get lost?" Delphine cracks a joke, remembering their last not-date. And how lost they'd gotten that they'd given up on being warm underground and went above to both freeze and more easily navigate.
"Hey it's really confusing down there. I have gotten lost a dozen times."
"Let's… go to the Gardiner museum and we can go get lunch. Let's find a good vegetarian restaurant you want to try. Then we can have dinner at mine and pretend we're at the spa."
"Add in some dessert and you're on." Cosima adds happily. "Gardiner… that is ceramics, right?"
"Yes. They run workshops." It was a … date, not-date idea that had been swimming in Delphine's mind for weeks. Things she wanted to do with Cosima. Novel things. Fun things. Things that might bring them closer.
"OK. That sounds fun. Yeah. I'm in!" Cosima agrees, her tone shifting and it leaves Delphine feeling a thrill. A thrill she will have to try to forget about it.
Cosima shows up 12 minutes late, but Delphine had reserved their places. She waits close to the workshop space, knowing that Cosima will show up. And sure she does, Cosima is running in heels. Wearing a red tunic and black leggings, decked out in fun jewelry. And Delphine steels herself against the sight.
"Cosima! You made it." She smiles and forces herself to 'donne les becs' quickly kissing her friend on each cheek. An old habit, one she's used to. One that locks their association back into friendship territory. We are friends, Delphine tells herself. Les amies. C'est tout .
"So… collection first? Or pottery workshop drop-in first?" Cosima asks, even as she's looking around. It's captivating, Delphine thinks. Watching Cosima take in something new. Whether it's the Art Gallery of Ontario, or getting lost on the PATH. Or that time Cosima had insisted they needed to go to a musical event at the aquarium. It was always so captivating.
"Drop-in first. It started at 10 am, let's go." Delphine takes Cosima's hand, just lightly and leads her over to the workshop area downstairs. She drops her hand when they get to the door. No rings, Delphine notices. Makes sense given their plans.
"Oh two more… Delphine Cormier?" The instructor asks, making what seems to be a small bowl on a pottery wheel.
"Yes. And Cosima Niehaus." Cosima responds for her and they take their seats. It's mostly older people, couples. Or families. But they get to sit together, both wheels with a small grayish lump of clay in the center.
She watches Cosima's hands, as much as she does the instructor. Cosima takes to their task happily. Telling her she'd gone to workshop with her mother for Mother's Day one year in San Francisco.
Cosima's strong hands mold the clay, her thumbs dip into the centre and as the wheel spins the bowl forms. Cosima feels it out. It's small, Delphine thinks. Which is a good. To start them both small.
"Uhh… Delphine, your bowl is all lopsided." Cosima jerks her head towards her own clay bowl, which indeed looks entirely not like a bowl.
"Oops." Delphine returns to following the instructions, and tries again. This time she forms the bowl properly. She tries not to think about Cosima's strong, beautiful hands. The way the clay stains her wrists, covering up parts of her nautilus tattoo. The way her hands felt on her own on the way down here. The… other things… those hands are probably adept at doing.
"Nicely done." The instructor tells them both. "Now, let's try making a mug!" Some of the attendees leave, and others stay to give this more difficult project a try. And so they do. Delphine fiercely concentrating on her own mug. She responds to Cosima only as required until it is complete.
"Dude…you are so into this." Cosima laughs. "It's adorable."
"I just… I didn't want to make a mistake."
"Delphine… It's just clay. If you mess up, you can fix it. As long as you don't throw it in the kiln." Cosima leans in and playfully bumps their shoulders.
"I know…"
"Come on… it's supposed to be fun."
"You're right." Delphine agrees, looking around the room again. This is supposed to be fun. And she is ruining it.
"So.. How are things?" Cosima asks her, trying to engage her.
"Things are good. Work is good. I talked to my parents yesterday."
"Ah, how are Brigitte and Yves Cormier?"
"The usual." Delphine laughs. "They… never change. Not even a little."
"And you?"
"Maybe more than they'd like. They ask if I plan on returning to Europe. And I tell them it depends on the work. That I will work in English or French, I do not care. As long as the research I am doing intrigues me. I have… I have to be passionate about it. Or what is the point?"
"Mmm same. Obvs." Cosima nods. "So, still going home?"
"In late April. I'll be in Paris for… three weeks. A good visit with my family. And my brother is getting married the first weekend in May. I won't miss it. I have promised. But I will be back to teach most of the term."
"Yeah, there's no getting out of a sibling wedding thing." Cosima agrees, as if she knows.
"Cosima, you are an only child."
"Yep. My old infertile parents just managed me, via IVF." Cosima smiles.
Logically she remembers this, and it makes her sad for a minute. She wonders if Cosima feels like her childhood was lonely or lacking. If Cosima pictures having a family someday, if that involves a child. Or two. She resists inserting herself into a fantasy of Cosima and Cosima's future hypothetical children on a beach vacation somewhere. She shakes her head to clear it and looks at her mug. It needs work, Delphine thinks. A lot of work. What was she thinking?
"I recall." Delphine says instead.
"My hands are a mess." Cosima remarks, even as they're setting their creations to be fired. They can pick them up later. "So… tour around and lunch?"
"Didn't you wash them?" Delphine laughs, she had, thoroughly in the sink in the workshop.
"I did… but my tattoos are coated in clay, see?" Cosima gestures to her wrists.
"I have wet wipes in my purse." Delphine gestures to her small black leather purse. She hands it over. "Hand sanitizer too. Help yourself."
"Thanks." Cosima digs through her purse, quickly finding the wipes and cleaning her hands.
"You're welcome." Delphine responds distractedly. She needs to get this back into friendship territory. The perfect, easy bond that developed between she and Cosima so naturally could still be that. Perhaps her crush would fade over time to a strange memory? Perhaps Cosima would find herself single again and things could change.
"So… are you seeing someone?" Cosima lowers her voice conspiratorily several minutes later as they peruse the large ceramics collection. Delphine had been beginning to think about lunch. On what would please Cosima the most. On what would set the right mood… something between friendship and more.
"What?" Delphine shakes her head confused. "Why do you think that?"
"You have at least two condoms in your purse. The super expensive fancy ones too." Cosima holds up the small white package. Wiggling it between her fingers. "So… who is he?"
"There's no one. Those are… leftovers." Delphine remembers making sure she was well stocked during her brief relationship with Luke. Not wanting to be left unprepared if things took a heated turn.
"So… you always have a condom in your purse?" Cosima laughs. "It's not like you're going out to pick up at the bar."
"Non. I am not. But… I like to have them, just in case. Those… aren't expired yet. So in my purse they will stay." Delphine shakes it off. It's unimportant. This is not something she wants to discuss with Cosima. She doesn't want Cosima picturing that . Or thinking she's obsessed with sex. She isn't. She's just cautious.
"Seriously? You just carry around a condom at all times." Cosima giggles. "Like you're a 25 year old looking to get laid. Safely laid, which definitely is a plus."
Delphine laughs too, stopping to look at the Japanese ceramics display. "Oh that is an old habit. And a longer story."
"Oh?" Cosima's curious nature will get the best of them. And she feels this story could go over very poorly. If she's not careful.
Delphine begins the story reluctantly. "My university boyfriend, Christophe… developed an odd habit around… being forgetful with condoms."
"Ewww. Dude wanted to bareback so much he'd just forget them and hoped you'd go for it?"
"Not exactly." Delphine tries to decide how to phrase this as delicately as possible. "It started, after we had sex one day. We'd been dating… 5 ish months by then. He got excited again, and we had already used the one condom he brought so…"
"He asked you to blow him. Got it." Cosma makes a face, and Delphine wants to laugh. Cosima mimes throwing up, and Delphine doubts the wisdom of continuing with this story. Too late now, she supposes.
"Yes. So... I was… eventually convinced. After that… he would regularly forget to bring a condom. He would forget until we were taking off our clothes that he 'forgot'. Not all the time…He would bring a condom more than half of the time. But he wasn't reliable. And, he would reciprocate, but… I was less than… enthused."
"So… He'd do a lame tongue wiggle for like… ten minutes and then you'd blow him?" Cosima guesses. It isn't that far from the truth, Delphine thinks. Tongue wiggling included.
"More like three or four minutes… then… he'd have his penis out in my face." Delphine can remember it too well. Christophe's sheepish smile, his ragged begging, saying that he was too turned on and couldn't wait another minute. Promising that he would finish her off afterwards. And sometimes he did. Usually with a hand.
"Mmm… charming." Cosima shakes her head. "So… you started bringing condoms? To get him to have intercourse instead?"
"Well… we did …euhh… bareback a few times when he forgot… because I really didn't want to." Delphine makes a gesture towards her mouth and feels like that is clear enough. It doesn't matter if Cosima thinks she ended up gagging all the time, or just hates performing oral sex. She didn't want to get any more explicit about it. There were only so many times Christophe tolerated her releasing him right before climax. No matter how much she cooed and stroked him the rest of the way. It was too messy, he'd said. Didn't feel as good.
"Gross." Cosima makes another disgusted face, and Delphine finds it oddly cute. But continues on nonetheless. Hopefully Cosima won't be too grossed out with her.
"Of course, Christophe needed just a little convincing and… well after we'd done that as well, he also enjoyed it and wanted it like that again. So… it wasn't a deterrent for him. Though I quickly realized he really wanted a blowjob as well. He would ask after sex too… but then he wouldn't want to reciprocate if... If we hadn't been using a condom."
"So he was getting alternating blow jobs and unprotected sex… and you were… clearly getting pissed off? Why not just tell him no? Or… Great, walk to the nearest drug store. See you back here in my bed in 30 minutes."
Delphine laughs before continuing. "So… I would bring condoms as the solution. In my purse. In my room… and I would tell him not to worry, I had a condom. So… He would ask for sex at random moments, and weird places where I was less likely to have one. Like on a walk to a park at night. Or between classes at his apartment. Sometimes it worked for him. But more often than not I had a condom. I had one in my bra at his grandfather's funeral. It got used."
"At his grandfather's funeral?" Cosima throws out incredulously. "You had a condom in your bra? So what… he asks for a blow job for comfort and you whip out a condom and ride him instead?"
"Euhhh… pretty much. It was in the car on the way home." Delphine clarifies if that makes it better. She's not sure it does. Christophe was not sad enough about his Papie's passing to kill his libido. That is for sure.
"Great imagery. Hopefully that car was in park." Cosima shakes her head with a quick wince. "So what happened to Christophe?"
"He told me I was like a human condom dispenser after six or so months of me bringing condoms everywhere, he said I didn't love him enough, and we broke up."
"Because you didn't tell him to take it easy on your mouth? Or because …you couldn't tell him you hated it?"
"Both probably. He was… frustrated. We had so much intercourse… but he wasn't satisfied with that. We broke up. I… kept the habit up. It was better to be prepared. To have condoms myself so I wasn't reliant on a man remembering."
"I mean, that's probably good… was he your first, Christophe?"
"Non… He was… my second lover. My first was an English boy named Mark… I was on vacation in Italy with my grandparents at 19, and we… ended up having sex a couple of times before I went home."
"Ooh… How long did your relationship last? With the longer distance?"
"There… was no real… relationship. After. We… were romantic on the trip. It was a three week trip. His family was staying in the next… villa over. Within two weeks he wanted to have sex. So… we had sex, it was awkward … we had sex another two times and then I went home. Never heard from him again. I began dating Christophe a year or so later."
"So you just… had sex? For the first time? With a boy you met on vacation?" Cosima is a little incredulous, but why should that even matter?
"Well… all the other girls I knew had. And I was 19… Mark was… the same age. It… made sense to… just try it out. He had had sex before. It was only me that hadn't."
"Fair."
"So do you have a bad sex story?"
"Oh it was bad?" Cosima jokes. "OK… Yeah forgetting a condom then pressuring you to give a blow job repeatedly is bad sex… for sure."
"So?"
Cosima nods with an expression between a smile and a grimace. "Yeah. One name for you. Sophie Bannerman."
"Sophie Bannerman?" Delphine repeats.
"Yeah… She was hot. Totally. I met her at this grad-student thing. She was getting an MA in communications, I was working on my MA too. We sort of clicked, and within a few days I let her take me home. But… she was a total kinkster. A wannabe dominatrix. She looked good in the leather, admittedly."
"A dominatrix?"
"Yeah. Yeah. It just started with bondage tape. And that was kind of hot? She tied me up, made me beg… It was good…" Cosima trails off reminiscing. And this isn't going how she expected at all.
"I thought this was a bad sex story." Delphine interjects. Though hearing Cosima talk about good sex might give her ideas. At least for her fantasies. Though from the sounds of things she may not actually be able to please Cosima. What even was bondage tape?
"I am getting there." Cosima continues. "So… after Sophie took me for a sexual test drive, we started dating. You know, just casually. But… every time we had sex, she'd turn up the kink factor by another 10 degrees. Far passed bondage and face sitting and nipple clamps. So after having rather fun kinky sex three or four times, she's got a riding crop out and so I let her spank me…"
Delphine shakes her head. "Cosima…"
"And it hurts. But I mean, I was totally open to exploring kink. Exploring sensation…. But it hurts… like just a bit too much. Then she's telling me I cannot come until she lets me." Cosima throws this out as if she cannot quite believe it.
"She… didn't want you to come?" Delphine raises an eyebrow. She could definitely do better in at least that department. If she had Cosima in her bed, she would definitely make sure Cosima came. At least once.
"Not until she said I could… so she was going down on me like a maniac…pulled away right before I got off, changed our positions, switched to using a rather large toy on me from behind and telling me not to come… and I just… I came. In less than a minute." Cosima shrugs. "I mean, I didn't think much of it. Until she started punishing me for it, and telling me what my punishment should be, and hitting my ass with a riding crop. My safeword came out really fast and we stopped. We… had sex maybe two more times. Just lighter bondage, which she was pissed at. And then, we were just not compatible."
"She needed… someone who wanted pain." Delphine thinks aloud. And someone who really wanted to be submissive. She doesn't. Delphine thinks. She could give Cosima love. If only Emi would get bored of Cosima. If… something between them would shift.
"Yeah. And … Like I cannot not come if someone is stimulating me like that. I was too close. It's… going to happen." Cosima shrugs. "I was totally OK with the bondage, the lighter play. But I just… I am not that kinky. So I was suddenly 'too vanilla' and 'boring in bed'."
Delphine figures there's little transferable skills between the two forms of oral sex. But thinks it's probably best she doesn't tell Cosima she hasn't in 13 years. After Christophe, she'd decided it was not worth the accompanying hassle.
Delphine tries to downplay her horror. "That sounds horrible."
"It sucked. Yeah. Also… oww! I didn't specifically agree to orgasm denial and then punishment for noncompliance. Like apparently you're supposed to discuss scenarios beforehand and consent. It was not complete. At all. Her dom skills needed work."
"It wasn't made explicitly clear?"
Cosima shakes her head with an exaggerated shrug. "How clear was Christophe about really just wanting you to give him head?"
"Not clear in words. Just actions. He told me how hot he found watching me do it. And he offered to reciprocate almost every time. But non, he didn't explicitly say he really just wanted a blow job."
"If he had been?"
"I mean, it would have been easier to decline. I tried to decline a couple of times. Used my hands. But then he got all sad about me not loving his penis." Delphine covers her face with her hand remembering the embarrassment. It was ridiculous. How so much focus could go to one, relatively simple, body part.
"Great. Guilting." Cosima rolls her eyes. "Just what you want with oral sex."
"It wasn't worth it." Delphine admits. "Not worth the trouble." She strongly suspects even if Christophe had gotten her to orgasm it still wouldn't have been worth it.
"I mean, I've never done that but… doesn't sound like a good time for the giver." Cosima shrugs. "But I'm sure some people are really into it. All sorts of desires out there."
"Probably mostly gay men." Delphine mutters under her breath to more raucous laughter from Cosima.
"Did he like… try to shove it all the way in? Or something dumb?"
"The idea appealed to him. The gagging did not." Delphine answers very dryly. Maybe Cosima deserves that mental picture for asking. Maybe not. Either way, it should end this conversation quickly.
"Yeah… I don't think that works." Cosima looks somewhere between disgust and laughter. "OK. Before I lose any more of my appetite to this conversation… lunch?"
"Please." Delphine agrees, and they leave thoughts of Christophe and Sophie behind them. She lets Cosima choose the restaurant, even though they have to hop the subway across the city. And it's well worth it.
"Do you want to like… see a movie?" Cosima suggests when they're munching the last bits of their lunches.
"Yes." Delphine answers honestly. She wants anything. Anything she can have with Cosima. And maybe she's just fooling herself. Pretending that they could be dating. But it's enough. More than enough, to be near her.
Cosima is all too glad to change in the building change rooms in the evening, and meet her in the whirlpool tub. So Delphine leaves Cosima with her keys and dodges upstairs. When she returns, the door has been left ajar, and she enters the sauna and whirlpool room. She turns the corner to find Cosima already in the tub.
"OK. We should do this, like every weekend."
"All of it? Or just the… whirlpool?" Delphine asks, trying to maintain her composure as she eases herself next to Cosima. But it's impossible not to notice. Cosima's bathing suit is a deep wine colour. The halter top conceals her breasts. Delphine finds herself wondering what Cosima's breasts look like. If Cosima likes to have them touched. If she'd want to be caressed or sucked on. If she'd want to do the same to her. And they're close, Delphine thinks. Shoulder to shoulder in warm water. And… they're alone.
"Whirlpool. Though it was a great day. Way better than I thought it would be with the snowstorm."
"Mmmm." Delphine agrees, trying to remember to be a decent human. She cannot start thinking of what lovemaking might look like with Cosima. She cannot.
"But I mean, getting out of winter was a great plan….Costa Rica would have been a blast."
The image is clear, her lips pressed to Cosima. Kissing softly. Cosima's arms around her, Cosima untying her bikini top. The black scrap of fabric could be floating in the hot tub in seconds. And she could be in Cosima's arms. She's halfway to imagining how to get there from this current position when something Cosima says catches her attention.
"So obviously that's a bust…" Cosima continues. "But like… I do have time to do some things here. Or maybe I could go away on my own. There's like those Wild Woman Expedition trips, but a lot of the women are like older… Not that older is necessarily bad."
"Mmm." Delphine hums, trying to not sound distracted. She tries to imagine doing such things, wondering how it would feel. If she would want to. If it would stoke desire, or be more of a show. If that even mattered, as long as she got to be with Cosima.
"Delphine…" Cosima whines at her.
"What? Sorry."
"I was telling you something important."
"Oh right. You and Emi have that thing… that… getaway to Costa Rica. Right?" Delphine vaguely recalls that Emi and Cosima are going on some warm vacation during reading week. A full week without Cosima around merited going on the calendar.
"Umm actually… We broke up." Cosima admits slowly. "I will… Definitely try to get that refunded. I can't go now…"
"I am so sorry." Delphine speaks, and she is. She doesn't want Cosima to get hurt. And yet the words stun her, and slowly a new vision comes to mind. Delphine tries not to smile, picturing herself and Cosima, together. Her fantasies of slowly kissing Cosima on the couch come back to mind. She could easily do that. She could learn to do anything Cosima might want. They could take their time.
"It's probably for the best." Cosima responds. "We weren't a great match. Like you and Luke, I guess."
"I guess." Delphine reddens slightly, she doesn't want to talk about Luke. Doesn't want to talk about their breakup. How he'd become so frustrated about her two 'favourite' topics, her work and Cosima. That he'd slung words at her that had changed everything. ' Maybe you'd rather date Cosima!' ' She's all you talk about. Maybe all you think about! ' And she'd slowly had to accept, despite a brief attempt over a post-coital brunch to convince Luke otherwise, that she did seem to have a crush on Cosima. A crush that Luke couldn't tolerate. Though at the time she'd scoffed telling Luke she wasn't gay. That she couldn't possibly make love with Cosima like she had with him. But his response to that… well that one had left her reeling too.
"Hello girls. Lovely evening we're having." An older man removes a thin cotton robe to reveal purple floral swimming trunks. He slips into the hot tub across from them and Delphine tries not to scowl.
"Hello." Cosima waves awkwardly, seeming annoyed at the intrusion.
"I'm Jim. You're that French girl who has the condo next to Lawrence. Edie's old unit."
"I am." Delphine nods, feeling she should attempt politeness. "I'm Delphine Cormier."
"Hey. Cosima." Cosima waves. "I'm just visiting."
"Quite the snowstorm today." Jim comments calmly. "Water feels great. Nice way to wind down after a day."
"Definitely." Cosima nods cordially. "I was just telling Delphine that I may keep coming over to hang and hot tub."
"A girls night. My wife is having a girl's night too. Playing bridge in the games' room with her friends. No husbands allowed." Jim comments casually. "It's good for her. Linda. She's been playing every other week again. The pandemic was so hard for her."
"It was hard on all of us." Delphine reponds, making an effort to shift her thoughts away from Cosima and towards hoping this interloper will leave. Emi and Cosima have broken up. The thought repeats, and her previous imaginings seem more possible than ever.
"We're going to Cuba to get out of the winter in a few weeks." Jim comments. "Linda and I used to go every few years. Havana is a favourite."
"Oh nice." Cosima nods again, "I've never actually been. I'm American actually, from San Francisco. So Cuba was a big no."
"We honeymooned right near there!" Jim is delighted. "We went to…"
"Lake Tahoe?" Cosima nods.
"And San Francisco too. We wanted to have a great adventure. It was… 1970." Jim's eyes glaze over. "Oh we loved that time. The music… Linda had long red hair then, it's grayed now… she was something."
Delphine watches as her fantasies slip away to Cosima discussing San Francisco landmarks with her elderly neighbour who clearly still thought that his wife was hot stuff.
Eventually, they leave the whirlpool before Jim does. And Delphine is quiet on the way upstairs.
"Hey… are you OK?" Cosima asks softly, her hand to Delphine's arm. And she wants to swoon at the affection she sees.
"Yes. I just… I would have…"
"Preferred to be alone? Jim was really chatty. Harmless. But chatty. And like he really thinks his wife is like the greatest thing since sliced bread." Cosima comments, shaking her head.
"Lucky woman." Delphine responds distractedly. To which Cosima laughs. They take the elevator back up to her condo, and Cosima goes straight into the bathroom, and begins getting changed while she waits.
Delphine changes as quickly as she can into something comfortable, yoga pants and a t-shirt for lounging. Maybe they'd watch a movie. Maybe they'd kiss. Maybe… she needed a better plan.
"Hey… it's still alive." Cosima comments. "Isn't this the orchid you 'rescued' from the grad student office?" Cosima seems impressed.
"It is… Keeping that orchid alive is… not too complicated. It was being overwatered. You just stick an ice cube on the soil every week ." Delphine brushes off the comment.
"So I say, we UberEats in for dessert, and call it a night. We had a late lunch and I am not super hungry." Cosima looks at the clock on her microwave. "It's… getting late. And we both have to work tomorrow."
"A perfect plan." Delphine agrees. "Cinnaholic?"
"Uhh definitely!" Cosima whips out her phone. "What will you have? I'm paying."
"Surprise me." Delphine asks. And she wishes that Cosima would just lean over and kiss her. That Cosima would figure it out and just have her, right here on her living room floor.
But instead Cosima is getting glasses out for a little white wine with their dessert. And Delphine cannot quite figure out how to proceed with a single Cosima. Surely there has to be a better way.