A/N: I'll be in NY all next week, so don't plan on any updates from me. FYI. Have a great weekend/week! Thanks for reading.
"I can't believe I ate that much. I'm going to be miserable now." Elliot pulled at the waist of his pants in a vain attempt to alleviate the feeling of his overly full stomach.
"I warned you. Geez, Elliot. You act like you haven't eaten in weeks." She pulled out her chair, determined to rest a bit before her appointment. She still had a few minutes.
"It felt like two weeks. I think I ate for the both of us. You sure you aren't hungry?" He sat down and skimmed his phone messages. Nothing too important, he thought.
"I'm fine. I can't eat when I'm tense, though. I wish I could just get it over with." She got up again from her chair and paced.
"I'll be out here if you need me for anything, okay?" He resisted the urge to place his hands on her shoulders in a brotherly, semi-embrace. He watched her nod and leave the room. Not even a response. Great, he almost made her cry and she wasn't even in her appointment yet. Way to go, Elliot. He shook his head and picked up the phone. With nothing better to do until John got back, it looked like he would be making those phone calls. He dialed the first number while watching Olivia's retreating form until he could no longer see her. What he wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall in that room. Just to know what she'd gone through. She'd tell him when she was ready and if he found out any other way she'd retreat and never come to him again. It was just as well that he didn't know, no matter how hard it was sitting on the sidelines.
Olivia walked slowly to the door and frowned when she saw the light off. She shrugged her shoulders and leaned against the wall.
"Sorry. I'm not late, am I?" George unlocked the door and flipped on the light.
"I'm a little early. I don't have anywhere else to be, anyway." She looked around the office, trying to fill the time.
"Sit, take a load off. How are you doing?" He started slowly. The question could be answered however she wanted.
"Thanks. I'm doing 'as can be expected', I guess. She did air quotes as she said it. She had no idea what could be expected. She was hoping to get some answers. She was surprised at how freely the words came. She already felt like she was talking too much.
"The guys crowding you?" He opted for no notes. He would give her his undivided attention.
"No. They've been great. It's the other detectives. It's like the minute I leave the room or something they act like I'm some sideshow freak. I just want to do my job." She tapped her hands on the armrests of the chair.
"Did you tell them you felt that way?" He saw her grow more restless, as if she was expecting a barrage of personal questions.
"No. I don't really know them well enough to tell them off. Fin and Munch have kept their distance. Cragen briefed them before I got in. It's only a matter of time before they're hanging all over me." She smiled weakly.
"What about Elliot?" He shifted in his chair.
"Elliot? Elliot's been helpful in his own way. He isn't pushing. I'm grateful for that." She took a few calming breaths.
"Good. I've set up an appointment for him, as well. He wants to help you. Is that okay? I won't discuss anything specific." He treaded lightly, not wanting her to run.
"That's fine. Maybe it's better he knows all the details. Yeah, you can tell him whatever he wants to know or whatever you feel he should know. You're the expert. I don't even know how to deal with myself. I think right now he's expecting me to start throwing things or to start crying uncontrollably." She let out a self-deprecating laugh.
"Is that how you feel? Angry? Upset?" He leaned forward in his chair and looked her in the eyes. She nodded, briefly, before looking down.
"Yeah, I do. Not really angry. Mostly I'm trying to get it all sorted in my head. I still can't believe it happened. It's like a nightmare you only remember parts of, only when you wake up it's real. It comes and goes. I'll be fine one minute and the next I'll just space out." She looked up again and was relieved when she didn't detect pity in his eyes.
"What happens when you space out?" He knew he was on thin ice, and any moment it could break. He wanted to ease her into talking, not throw her into the icy waters.
"It's hard to explain. Last night I had an episode, I guess you would call it. I smelled something and the next thing I knew it was the next morning. This morning I was sitting on the couch and I saw the paper there and I saw the picture and everything but I didn't realize it was the scene. I snapped out of it when Elliot saw I had it. It didn't bother me as much as it should have. It should have bothered me, right? Why would I have two different reactions?" She would feel a lot better if someone would just tell her how she was supposed to feel.
"People react to trauma differently. We're prone to compartmentalizing things. We want to put something in its place so we understand it. The thing is rarely do we ever understand the human brain and how the mind works. What we do understand regarding trauma is that everyone is different. Let's talk about what happened with you.
"Smell is a powerful trigger for memories. Your mind was telling you to label that as being the thing that would put you over the edge. Whatever you'd label that as. You have your own labels. They aren't pre-set. Now, your brain takes that information and it determines what needs to be done. A lot of things are happening here, physically, but in essence it's like this. Your body needed to put the energy in sustaining your essential bodily functions. Think of it as self-preservation. That's why you passed out and have no memory of it now as we talk. Then this morning, it was doing the same thing, only it was more capable of sustaining itself because it was coping. Maybe the visual trigger wasn't as strong and you weren't really drawn to the event that caused the trauma. You were witnessing it as an outsider. Your mind was blocking out what happened until you're ready to deal with it. It's perfectly normal and I can't stress what I'm about to say enough. Don't let anyone tell you there should be a time frame here. Each case has a different set of rules. I know you won't like this answer, but I think you need to ride this thing out. You're entitled to it, Olivia. Don't rush it. It hasn't been that long since it happened." He saw his words were sinking in. She was realizing she had control over getting over what she'd seen. There was still a little flicker of doubt in her eyes, though.
"What if I never get there? What if I never get over it?" She was so scared by the question, she could barely whisper. She didn't want to think about the chance that she may never be normal again.
"You will. Slowly but surely, you will. Today is day one, Olivia. Day one. The beginning. Don't think of it as a whole. Think of it as a piece. Those pieces may seem distorted and warped and impossible to put together, but eventually they will form the whole picture. That picture in somewhere in your head. Your brain isn't going to let you unscramble the pieces until it knows you're good and ready to accept the big picture. Don't get me wrong, though. They'll try to get out. You will have your triggers. You will be angry, upset, frustrated. You will push people away. You will be depressed but you'll deal with each of those issues as they come. Today is today. Start with that. Now, do you want to continue or call today done?" He'd let her have the control. The ball was in her court.
"I want to be done today." She bit her lip, nervously. She felt like a teenager, begging for acceptance.
"Then we're done. Same time tomorrow, okay?" He stood and she did the same.
"Okay. Um…thank you for not making me talk. I know eventually I will, but it's too fresh. I'm not ready." She croaked the last word out.
"Understandable. Remember, Olivia. If you only remember one thing, remember what I'm saying now. You will get past this. It's okay to not be ready. If you were, I'd be worried about you, but you're going to be fine. One piece at a time. Okay? And if you need me, I don't care if it's two in the morning. If you need me or want to talk about something you remember, just call." He locked eyes with her and she hesitated before nodding. She mouthed her thanks and left. As soon as she got down the hall, she let out a sigh of relief. She felt human again. It was okay for her to be messed up. She never thought she'd say that. She made her way to her desk. It had been a half hour. She didn't know she'd been in there that long.
"Hey. How'd it go?" He gauged her reaction to his concern.
"Okay. I'm screwed up. What'd I miss?" She sat down at her desk and made a list of things to get accomplished. She felt uneasy as she prepared herself for Elliot to give her some speech about how completely normal she was. She heard a snort and looked up.
"Ha! I could have told you that. That'll be fifty bucks. I'll charge you half off. You know, since you're a friend." Without missing a beat, he'd managed to bring a smile to her face. Mission accomplished.