A/N: This one is short. As much as I detest short additions on I am part of "the shorties" for this one. I hate when you start reading and then it ends. I didn't want to split up the next part, which will provide a little peek into what happened. So, for you patient readers, you'll have some answers.
Elliot looked up again from his desk and saw her staring blankly at the paper before her. He craned his neck to see what she was reading. Occasionally, she would blink, but for the most part she was lost in her own world. He cleared his throat and when that didn't work, got up from his chair. He walked around her desk to the side and sat on the edge.
"Jesus! You scared the hell out of me, Elliot!" The moment he came into her line of vision, she startled. She held a hand to her chest.
"Sorry. I tried to get your attention. What are you reading?" He peered over her shoulder and a sense of dread washed over him.
"No…nothing." She leaned over the papers, hoping that he hadn't seen them. She looked up at him. He knew.
"Where'd you get it?" Elliot immediately began to piece together some sort of explanation, anything that would repair the damage he'd done by keeping such a thing fro her.
"Does it matter? You knew it existed, Elliot. You should have told me." She spoke softly but annunciated each syllable.
"I know. I was waiting for the right time." He fidgeted in his precarious seat on the desk. With a swipe of her arm, she could send him careening over the side of the desk. Unfortunately for him, her hand had gotten a lot better and could inflict the necessary damage, if she so desired.
"When would the right time be? Last week when you found out? Yeah, there was a little note in there. Nice of them to put that little jab in there, huh? How'd it go? Oh yeah, 'thought you'd like a little light reading. You must have misplaced your copy from last week.' Nice, huh? When were you going to tell me? Maybe on Monday when I came back to work? When?" She shoved the papers to the far corner of her desk and got up. As quickly as she could, she left the squad room. She had no idea where she'd go, but it had to be as far away as possible.
"Wait a minute. Let me explain." Elliot hurried after her. He slowed his pace, not wanting to crowd her.
"You should have told me, damnit. What did you think you were doing, protecting me?" She tore out the steps and talked over her shoulder as the door swung back in his direction. She heard a curse when it collided with his outstretched hand.
"Will you just hold on a minute? I…I don't know what I was thinking. I just found out about it, myself. Cragen and I thought we should wait to tell you. Huang agreed, Olivia." He kept his distance once they were outside.
"Great, so who else was involved? Munch? Fin? The cast of Rent? Why don't we set up a billboard in Times Square? How could you do this?" She threw her hands up in frustration.
"You know we wouldn't betray your trust like that. Cragen only knew because one of the reporters got a hold of the tape and had a transcript. She probably sent it over or something. I wanted to spare you from finding out that way. You're just getting back to work again. I didn't know what you'd be ready for." He mouthed an apology to a woman he nearly ran over and followed Olivia past a newsstand.
"You know what the worst part about all of this is, Elliot? I don't even know what I am ready for. I…I'm so scared I'm going to walk down the street and some car's exhaust is going to remind me of that night. Or that a pedestrian will recognize me. I'll be at the market and some parent, some family member is going to come up to me and ask the same questions that I've been asking myself. And damnit, I don't know the answers! I wish to God I did because it would be a hell of a lot easier to live with myself." Olivia had stopped walking and stood with her back to Elliot. She felt the tears burning behind her eyes. She walked to a nearby tree and leaned into the bark. The roughness scraped her arms as she bent down to rest her hands on her knees.
"Okay. Le…let's talk about this." Elliot laid a tentative hand on outer part of her shoulder, only to have her shake it off. He sighed and backed away. He listened to her silently try to regain her composure.
"I...I know you're trying to help. It was too much, too soon. I…the other day I started to remember and I got to work today and saw that sitting on my desk and I didn't know what it was. It took me by surprise. It all came back so fast; I couldn't stop it." She bent down and rested her forearms on her thighs. The weight of her emotions was too much for her body to bear.
"You remember what happened?" He saw her nod slightly and took a step toward her.
"I tried to save those kids. Nobody else did. Me. I'm the one who tried to save them. They were screaming at me to get them out and I couldn't. I…I couldn't and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't hear their voices. The gasoline was coming from somewhere under the van and I remember looking down and thinking that I shouldn't be standing around this burning vehicle in a puddle of gasoline. The other day, John spilled his coffee on the floor. I wasn't looking where I was going and stepped in it. It was the first time in a while that I had a flashback. It took me an hour to come out of the bathroom, after that. All I could think was that I wish I would have gone along with the van. With the kids, just so I wouldn't have to see their faces anymore. Hear them crying. I want to give those people the closure they need. I owe it to them. I know I do, but how can I explain something that I don't fully understand myself?" Olivia stilled when she felt his hand rest on her shoulder once again. She felt his presence behind her and turned around.
"You don't owe them anything more than you're ready to give, right now. You've been through a horrible, traumatic experience. It was a matter of time before you started to remember everything. Why didn't you come to me, Liv?" Elliot began to think about all the distant stares, the many so-called bathroom breaks and all the times she just needed 'a little air.' He felt like he'd let her down. He sensed something was wrong. He'd failed her.
"And tell you that I'm hearing voices and seeing people's faces? Might as well check myself into a nice, padded room." She snorted and stood up fully.
"That doesn't mean you're crazy, Liv. It's normal for you to experience things like that. Huang said that would happen. Let it. It's a part of healing." He placed the palms of his hands on her shoulders and looked her square in the eye. For the first time that day, he saw the pain she'd been trying to hide from him. The anguish she'd kept hidden. He cursed the selfish excuse of a human being that placed the transcript on her desk, knowing what it would do to her.
"Can we go back? Please?" She looked over his shoulder at the few people that glanced their way as they passed. She felt uneasy under their gaze and bowed her head.
"Of course." Elliot risked holding his arm out and smiled when she linked hers with his.
"I don't know who I thought I was kidding. I wanted to be fine. I wanted to come out untouched, but it just made it worse. I kept pushing aside all the little reminders until it got to be so much that I couldn't anymore. I don't know what to do." She waited while he pushed the door open and walked back into the precinct.
"Start by taking to George. I'll go in with you. We'll read the transcript and you can fill in the details. I haven't read it, though, Liv. I wouldn't do that to you." He led her back to her desk and grabbed the papers off her desk.
"I know. I'm sorry I got so angry with you. I just…I don't want to be different. I don't want you to treat me like I need to be sheltered. You've got to treat me the same or I'll never make it through this, El." She pulled on the fabric of his shirt where a stain had set in. Much like that night, it may never fade away.
"I really was going to tell you about it. You got sick and I didn't want to make it harder on you than it was. I swear I was going to tell you." Elliot walked up the stairs as he quietly spoke.
"I know you were. The way you kept looking at me…I knew you had something on your mind. I know you well enough to know that. Same goes for me. You knew I needed to talk to you. Sometimes we just need that extra push to come to each other." She stopped as they reached George's office.
"Well, maybe the good doctor can knock some sense into us, yeah?" He waited for her to prepare herself to go in. Truth be told, he needed a little time, himself.
"Now or never. Whatever happens in there, don't change. I need you to see me as the same person as I was before." She steeled herself and walked through the door. It was about to begin. Whether she was ready or not, she needed to talk about it. She bit her lip anxiously, and waited for Elliot to take a seat.