Resident Evil: Stupid Movie
Chapter 1: The Outbreak
(Story Narration)
"The Underwearer Corporation is the largest by-product manufacturer and supplier in the 21st century. Almost 99.99999 percent of the world's medical by-products were contributed by the famous Underwearer Corporation. One may wonder who's their other business competitor supplying the remaining 0.00001 percent of the imports. But who the hell cares? I mean, this is a story about THE Underwearer Corporation…and well, maybe also about some moronic jackasses trying to save the world. Ooh… so touchy! Makes me wanna puke, if you ask me. Anyways, the Underwearer Corporation performed weird researches and funny experiments inside many of their secret bases… oh, alright, maybe just that ONE little base located in the Arkclay Mountains. Rumor has it that crazy scientists there injected these innocent human specimens with many colorful serums and other assorted fruity-flavored fluids into their brains, turning them all into wild party animals. There would be orgy parties almost every night and dead carcasses would be found strewn all over the entire Arkclay Mountains the following morning."
(End of Narration)
Inside the extremely top secret and state-of-the-art laboratory deep down underneath the ground near the core of the earth, known as The Hife, many of the Underwearer Corporation staff and scientists were busy minding their own business walking around.
(Somewhere in one of the laboratories…)
A mysterious unknown personnel donned in a biohazard suit is carefully transferring the many vials of colorful glass capsules into an airtight case. Upon placing the last of the capsules into the case, the person threw one of the brightly colored capsules onto the floor before he made his way out of the place. The glass on the capsule broke, and as a result, the capsule spilt its colorful contents all over the floor.
And soon, the rats in a nearby cage began to dance in a queer manner.
(Meanwhile, at the Main Lobby of the facility…)
"Ouch… ouch… hot… hot… coming through!" He mumbled. A man was carefully approaching the lobby lift with a cup of coffee in his hand when suddenly, the mysterious unknown personnel carrying a black case ran into him, and spilling the coffee all over him.
"Thank you!" He said, with complete sarcasm as he looked back at the unknown person who had made him spilt the coffee. A woman standing next to him waiting for the lift turned her head and stared at him. "Some people…" She said, rolling her eyes over.
"Wait. What do you mean by 'some people'?" The man asked. His eyes suddenly widened. "Oh my god! Y-you mean there are more of these kinds of people going around the place knocking over other people's coffee? Who are they anyway? Are they from the Secret Service?"
"Oh, shut up!" She spat in disgust.
"Why are you asking me to shut up? You were the one who initiated on the conversation in the first place anyway..." He retaliated. "... so you should shut up, whore..."
"No, you shut the fuck up, asshole!" She scolded back.
"You shut up!"
"Shut yo... wait a minute, did you just called me a whore?"
(Ding!)
The lift soon arrived and the doors opened. Everybody who had been waiting outside the lift, including the two morons, immediately rushed inside.
"Stop pushing!" One said.
"C-can't breathe… ack… can't b-breathe…" Another pleaded.
"Hey! Who touched my breast?" A woman screamed.
(Back in the laboratory…)
Three scientists walked into the laboratory.
"Wow! Thanks for the breakfast, Lindsey. That cheese and ham sandwich you've made was delicious." One of the guys said.
"Yeah, that was like so delicious, man." The other guy behind them said. "I especially liked that bread you'd use. I bet its wheat. It IS wheat, right?"
"Uh… John?" Lindsey said.
"What?" John replied.
"I've made apple pies today… not sandwiches." Lindsey said.
"What? No way. We saw that note you'd left us next to the sandwiches." The other guy said.
"Huh? What note?" Lindsey asked. "Ted, what note are you talking about?"
"Here." Ted responded, digging out a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket.
Lindsey took the piece of paper from Ted and she read it. "Um… guys, those sandwiches were from last week. Oh gross, don't tell me you guys ate those moldy sandwiches for breakfast?"
The two guys just stood there, eyes wide open.
"Look, I know it's a bit gross, well you know… eating stale food and things like that, but its-" Lindsey said.
"N-no… its not t-that, Lindsey…" Ted interrupted.
"What?" Lindsey asked.
"T-that!" John stammered, pointing in the direction to the left of her.
Lindsey turned her head over only to see erotic dancing rats rubbing their private parts at the metal cage. "Ooh, that's so cute!"
"No, you fucking bitch!" Ted shouted. "Look at that thing on the floor, dammit!"
The three of them found themselves staring at the colorful liquid seeping out of the broken capsule on the floor.
(Ten seconds later…)
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The three scientists screamed altogether.
Just then, the emergency alarm suddenly sounded. Water from the sprinklers above came splashing all over the entire laboratory and the locking system on the door to the laboratory was activated.
The three scientists tried to force the door open but to no avail. The water level was rising fast.
"Wearegoingtodrownwearegoingtodrownwearegoingtodrown…" Ted chanted, pulling at his hair as he waded around the flooded place like an idiot.
"Help! Somebody… HELP!" Lindsey screamed, as she furiously banged on the door. "I-I don't want to die…"
"Lindsey… stop screaming and listen." John said, as he grabbed at both her shoulders. "There's something important I need to speak with you…" John said.
"Yes, John?" Lindsey asked, hopefully. "Oh, please tell me you love me. Please!" She thought, gleefully.
"Um, Lindsey…" John continued. "… d-do you still have those apple pies?"
Lindsey sweatdrop. "Damn you, John... we are probably gonna like die here and all you could still think of is food? What's wrong with you?"
"Hungry?" John replied, with a cheesy smile.
"Fuck you!" Lindsey screamed at him.
The alarm sounded in one of the offices.
A woman looked up to see all her co-workers running towards the door.
"YAY! Lunchtime!" A man in blue suit screamed.
"Shut up, James. Its the fire alarm, you nut head!" The woman shouted at him.
"Oh, okay... Shelly." James replied sadly, looking hurt.
Shelly then placed the receiver back to her ears. "Oh, its nothing. Someone's probably stupid enough to mistake the fire alarm for a nipple on the wall or something. It's the fifth time this week." She said. "Look, I'll call you back later, okay? Oh, and by the way, I did not get that porn movie you'd asked me to."
She listened intently to the person speaking on the other end of the line.
"What? Are you crazy? I'm not going to let you film me naked, you sick fuck! And no, I don't want to see you naked as well! I'm your sister, for goodness sake!" She shouted.
She immediately slammed the phone down and walked over to the doors, like everyone else.
"So, what is it?" Shelly asked.
"Shelly, the doors won't open!" The blond woman next to her said.
"Alright, you jackasses… which one of you moron mistook the fire alarm button for the nipple again?" Shelly asked, looking around.
Suddenly, white smoke came out from the ventilation vent above.
"What's that awful smell? Did somebody fart?" Shelly asked, sniffing around. "Tom, is that you?"
"N-no… it wasn't me. I swear!" Tom cried.
"Jack?" Shelly asked, as she stared in the direction where Jack was standing.
"No, no." Jack answered, swinging his arms madly in the air.
"Alright, Jack. I get it. Now stop swinging your stupid arms in the air… you look gay!" Shelly shouted.
"But, he IS gay!" Tom told her.
"Oh… right." She mumbled.
The smoke in the room soon got heavier by the second and then everyone in the room started to dance in a weird and funny erotic manner until they all collapsed on to the floor dead from exhaustion.
(Now, back to the lift…)
"Cool! This coffee stain on my shirt matches my coat!" The man said. "You wanna see? Huh? Huh?"
"Shut up, fart face!" The woman shouted. "Narcissist pig!"
Just then, the lift suddenly stopped.
"Ooh, are we here already?" The man asked.
"Shut your bloody mouth up, moron!" The woman said.
"Are we there yet? Huh? Are we there yet?" The man asked.
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" The woman screamed.
Silence.
(Eight seconds later…)
"So, are we there yet?" The man asked, again.
"SHUT UP!" Everyone in the lift shouted.
Everyone inside the lift remained very still. Suddenly, they heard the sounds of people screaming like a bunch of crazy slaughtered pigs in the elevator shaft next to them, as their lift crashed. All the people inside the remaining hanging lift looked at each other. Nobody spoke a single word.
It was the guy with the coffee stain on his shirt who broke the silence.
"Ooh, look-y that! See that surveillance camera up there? Do you think they can see us?" The man with the coffee stain on his shirt said. "H-E-L-L-O!" The man waved at the camera and grinned like a complete idiot.
Everyone in the lift stared at him.
"Alright, I seriously think that we should pry open the door and get out of here. I don't think this lift is going to hold out for long." One of the passengers said.
Everyone agreed.
A man standing in front nodded and rolled up his sleeves. He then proceeded to pry open the doors with his bare hands.
"Its jammed!" The man said, after he had managed to push the doors slightly open.
The woman next to him walked over and peeped through the narrow opening of the doors. "What the-?" She gasped. The woman saw a lot of people dead on the floor, some still twitching from the effect of the erotic dancing earlier.
"What'd you see? Huh? Huh?" The man with the coffee stain on his shirt asked. "What'd you see? Can I see? Can I?"
"SHUT UP!" Everyone shouted.
The woman turned her head back. "Look, I think I'm small enough to squeeze through the opening here and go get some help. Give me a push!"
Everyone started to help her get through the tiny opening.
"Push harder!" She commanded. "Oh shit! I'm stuck!"
Suddenly, the brakes to the lift gave way and the lift began to move down but stopped halfway. Everybody in the lift screamed.
"Fuck! Pull me back in…. PULL ME BACK IN!" The woman screamed hysterically.
The people inside the lift started to pull her back inside the lift when all of a sudden, the lift started to move back up, with the woman's head still stuck in the opening.
"HEELLLPPPP!" She cried.
The lift suddenly accelerated and it continued to move upwards in an alarming speed. The woman screamed madly.
And then everything turned pitch black.
Silence.
"Are we there yet?" The man with the coffee stain on his shirt asked.
The lift then came crashing down.
Disclaimer: I do not own Resident Evil or any affiliated merchandise.