Previously in the Darklyverse: Sirius and Remus tried to be friends again at Sirius's urging until a confused Sirius decided he needed space. When he told Marlene about his kiss with Remus, she reacted badly. James's mother, then father, both contracted spattergroit, which is usually fatal. James worried that he'd lost precious time with his parents by being too wrapped up in the Gryffindors. Sirius quit Quidditch. Dorcas filled the position of the Hogwarts students' Order of the Phoenix liaison.

Revised version uploaded 20 January 2022.

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October 26th, 1977: James Potter

For not the first time in the last couple of years, James feels like his Hogwarts family has been ripped in two, only this time, it's him and Sirius against Peter and Remus. Not that Remus and Sirius seem mad at each other, mind you—but something has driven a wedge between them, as they're avoiding each other as much as possible. Sure, they still say hello to each other when one of them walks into the room, exchange pleasantries like "pass the butter" and "you need to add more hellebore leaves," but James can feel the tension every time they're together, the force that's driving them to avoid any unnecessary conversation and bolt away from each other as soon as the opportunity presents itself.

Oddly, neither Sirius nor Remus appears to be on good terms with Marlene, either. When her uncle came back from the Order mission that left him out of contact with the rest of the wizarding world, Marlene took a week off from school to spend time with him, and when she came back, she rebuffed any attempt either Remus or Sirius made to be friendly to her. James has no idea why any of this is happening. He's asked Sirius, and he's even asked Remus on the rare occasions that James has been able to get to him away from Sirius, and neither of them will talk about what exactly happened that put the three of them at odds.

James hates it—hates seeing the people he loves most tearing each other apart—but he's at least getting used to the new status quo until he gets Dorcas's owl in the mail about their first Order meeting with her. He's sitting in the Great Hall with Sirius, Lily, and Alice at the time and tells them, "Can you lot track down the rest of our house and year to let them know? I'll tell Eddie and Benjy and Frank. And Peter, I guess, since I have Herbology with him next period."

Finding them will easy: he's got Herbology with Peter and Benjy that morning, Ancient Runes with Frank in the afternoon, and Quidditch practice with Eddie that night. Plus, shirking the responsibility of spreading the news to Marlene or Remus helps keep James out of a battle that he doesn't have the knowledge or the desire to fight.

In some ways, James sort of wishes that he were throwing himself in the middle of this thing with Remus and Sirius and Marlene. Then at least he'd have something to take his mind off of the thing he keeps jumping to every damn minute of every day, and that's his parents.

James still can't wrap his head around his dad's insistence on staying home to take care of Mum until he caught sick from her himself. It's bad enough that Mum is mortally ill and there's a good chance she'll die from this within the year—he has to lose Dad, too? It's not fair, and it's not smart, but nobody listened to James, and now Dad's caught spattegroit and it's only a matter of time before he passes on right along with Mum.

It doesn't matter that James has been attending boarding school for the last six years—he is nowhere near emotionally prepared to lose his parents. He feels like no matter how long the illness drags out and how long he has to prepare himself for that loss, when it happens, it's going to blindside him.

He's not ready.

He hasn't really been talking about it to anyone—even Lily and Sirius, who are both with him much more than anyone else is these days. He's tried to hide his fear and anger and paranoia from them, but judging by the looks Lily keeps giving him and the questions Sirius keeps raising, James has been failing miserably in this attempt.

"Are you okay, Prongs?" Peter says under his breath at the beginning of Herbology. James nods slightly, pretending to be listening to Professor Sprout, when really he's replaying the last letter he got from his mum over and over again in his head.

He feels like a faker, putting on a confident front at War Stories and prefects' meetings and Quidditch practices when, in reality, he's barely hanging on. For the umpteenth time, he finds himself wondering what it was that Dumbledore saw in him to name James Head Boy. He's trying to live up to the pressure, and he thinks on the outside he might be succeeding, but he also thinks that he's a hair's breadth away from watching it all unravel when the gig is up and he can't compartmentalize any longer.

"So listen," he says to Peter and Benjy when they're letting loose on their pots of Devil's Snare. He probably should have listened closer to Sprout's lecture on them, but it's too late for that now. "I got a letter from Dorcas this morning, and she wants us to all meet at the spot we talked about this Saturday night at seven. Is that good for you two?"

"Yep," says Peter, just as Benjy is saying, "Works for me. It's not like I have an overstuffed social calendar at the moment."

James feels like all of the Gryffindors have been tiptoeing around Benjy ever since Elisabeth died. He doesn't seem to blame them (or Dorcas, whose intel they had been operating on) for what happened, but James for one certainly feels weird talking about Order business to Benjy when Elisabeth should have been there at his side for every interaction Benjy has with him.

He meets up with Lily after class in the library, where he starts doing research for the essay Sprout set them. He takes a brief break for lunch, watches Lily positively destroy Sirius at wizard's chess for over an hour, and then he and Lily set off for Ancient Runes.

Ancient Runes is one of James's only opportunities lately to talk to Remus, because they've both got this subject and Sirius hasn't. Remus isn't there yet when James and Lily get to the classroom, but Frank is, and James waves him over when he sights on him.

"We heard from Dorcas," he says. "She set the next meeting date for this Saturday at seven. Is that cool with you?"

James is expecting Frank to say yes, so he's a little surprised when Frank rubs the back of his neck and says, "Shit. That's supposed to be date night. It's fine; I'll see if Dana can do Friday instead, but…"

"But what?" asks James.

"It's just—I think Dana's getting suspicious of me always disappearing for Order business," Frank admits. "Not that we've had much Order business this year so far, but it started when we were all meeting up all the time at the end of last year. I hate lying to her, but—I don't think she'd approve if she knew what I was really doing. She thinks we should be doing what we can in this world to stay safe and protect each other, not march out onto the front lines. And without knowing what I'm really doing, I think she thinks—I don't know. I don't think she thinks I'm cheating on her, but whatever she thinks can't be good, and she keeps demanding answers."

"I'm sorry, mate," says James, because he doesn't know what else to say. He doesn't know Dana Madley well, apart from that one excursion he had with her in a broom closet in fifth year, but he sees what Frank means about Dana not being the type that Frank should be comfortable confiding in about the Order.

Without Sirius still on the Gryffindor team, Quidditch practice always leaves James feeling oddly lonely. He never had a single practice or game without Sirius there with him before this year. After the team talks strategy and James takes a moment to tell Edgar about the Order meeting, he kicks off from the ground and immediately feels twice as light. Thank god he can still take solace in flying.

Practice passes in what feels like the blink of an eye, and James hangs back afterward, tells everybody he wants to blow off some steam flying on his own. But after they vacate the pitch, he puts his broom back in the broomshed, heads into the Forbidden Forest, and with a furtive look around him, transforms into Prongs.

As Prongs, nothing can touch him. He canters around the forest passing the occasional centaur or thestral, at one point even a unicorn—a young one that's all coltish legs and gold. Out here, nothing can hurt Prongs, not his friends' unraveling relationships—not even the spattergroit afflicting his parents.

But as time wears on, the magic of Animagus transformation fades, and Prongs gets hungry and cold and wet, too, as it starts to rain. All good things, right? So he transforms back and takes off at a sprint for the castle.

Inside, he takes a hot, hot shower and then tracks down Lily in the common room. "Where were you?" she asks. "The others got back an hour ago. Eddie said you wanted to get more practice in, but I've been sitting right by the window—" she taps it "—and I didn't see you in the sky at all."

"I know, yeah. I was—I was the stag," he says, lowering his voice.

Lily frowns. "Yeah, I've been thinking about that ever since we started doing human Transfiguration with McGonagall. You'd have thought you boys would all have mastered it, since you do it on each other every month, but none of you have mastered it yet. More than that, Transfigured humans don't have the capacity to change themselves back since they can't carry a wand. All three of you are obviously getting yourselves to Remus and back on your own, so why—?"

"Uh, yeah, about that. I didn't want to tell you back then because, well, I didn't know how you would react to any of this stuff, but—we're not using human Transfiguration. We're—the three of us became Animagi to help Remus."

"Animagi? But that's an incredibly complex form of magic, much more so than human Transfiguration."

"It took us a few years and a lot of failed attempts, but we got there in the end."

"And doesn't it require a complex certification process?"

"We sort of skipped over that," says James sheepishly.

"James Potter! Out comes the truth over a year later," says Lily, but she sounds teasing, not mad, and James grins a little.

"Listen, I'm going to head up to bed," he tells her. "Tomorrow will be a late night with the full moon and everything, so I want to get to sleep early."

Twisting her lips, Lily says, "Already? It's barely nine."

James hesitates. He knows he's been sort of closed off lately, and Lily hasn't done anything to deserve that, but…

"You can't make them better by torturing yourself," she says, but she says it gently.

"I know. It's—it's not that."

"Then what is it?"

"I just—can't stop thinking about them. And—it hurts to talk about it."

"You're going to be thinking about it just as much even if you don't confide in anyone," she reminds him, "and I don't… want you to be alone with this. You—" Lily pauses, swallowing, and looks like she's warring with herself. "You were there for me after my parents died—or tried to be, anyway, before I messed it all up."

"You didn't—"

"No, really, it's okay. I was doing my best, but I still messed it up. I just… know that I lost months with you that I could have had if I hadn't freaked out on you, and I don't—want you to be alone like I was."

And everything James has been fighting inside himself—his desperation to keep his parents alive, his loathing of himself for squandering the time he could have had with them—just—

"But I shouldn't be leaning on you so much. I shouldn't be leaning on any of you so much."

She puts a tentative hand on his cheek. "You need your friends if you're going to get through—"

"No, you don't understand," he says. He turns his face away; her hand drops limply into her lap. "I've been so sucked up into the other Gryffindors that I just—cut my parents out, somewhere along the way. I don't know what's so wrong with me that I don't know how to be my own person. I didn't learn it from my parents. They let me go without any trouble—let me as good as abandon them every…"

But he realizes suddenly that maybe he's got it all wrong—maybe he did learn it from his parents after all. His blood runs cold. Mum and Dad—they—

"James, what is it?"

He whispers, "Is that why Dad insisted on caring for Mum himself, even knowing he probably was going to get infected—because he didn't want to live without her? They gave me my own space to grow up, but—are they the same way with each other that I am with all of you? Is that why I'm so…?"

Lily's face crumples. "I don't know. I don't think anyone can answer that except maybe the two of them."

The common room is packed, and they're surrounded by people, but James hardly notices. He feels like he's alone in a room with Lily, the white noise around them cranked all the way down. "You know what I'm talking about, do you?" he breathes. "The way the nine of us…?"

She bows her head. "I… yes. I don't think about it often, but—yes."

"But you used to be free of it. You didn't let us sucker you in until you and Snape…"

"Nobody suckered me into anything," she says firmly. "And—before I was that way with all of you, I was that way with him. I haven't been free since I was nine years old."

He looks between Lily's eyes, searching for—something. Something he knows she can't give him. All she can give him is herself, and he's already taken too much of her—that's the whole problem. "I should go," he mutters. "Long day tomorrow."

"James—"

He gets back up from his chair, but he lingers, watching her. "Yeah?"

"The answer isn't—shutting everyone out. Maybe we go too far in the other direction, but—there's got to be a balance."

"Yeah," he says again. He kisses the top of her head and bolts.

But when he gets up to his dormitory and changes into his pajamas, he doesn't go to sleep. Remus is the only other one up there already, and although the lights are off, James can tell from his breathing that he's awake. In light of everything James has just realized, he just wants to… turn it off. Focus on someone's else's problems, for a change—drown in them, if he can—even if he hates himself for it. "Moony?"

"Yeah?" Remus sounds tired and hoarse, and James finds himself wondering whether Remus still gets anxiety before the full moon like he used to before the advent of the Wolfsbane Potion.

"What's going on with you and Padfoot that's so bad you both won't talk about it?"

Remus doesn't answer for a long time, and James thinks he's choosing to ignore him, so it surprises James when Remus finally says, "You'll think less of me if I tell you."

"What? No way," James insists. "Look, Padfoot sent Snape down into the Shrieking Shack after you when you were a werewolf, and I still eventually forgave him. I doubt that whatever it is that happened could be any worse than that."

He can almost see Remus smiling wryly in the dark. Almost. "Promise you won't judge?" he says, and his voice sounds weak and flimsy.

"Promise," says James firmly.

There's a long pause, and he's starting to think that Remus isn't going to tell him what's up after all, when Remus finally breaks the silence. "I love Padfoot."

"Of course. He loves you, too, you know," says James automatically.

"No, you're not hearing me, Prongs. I love him."

"You—" And the pieces click together. James's argument dies in his throat. "Oh. Oh."

"Yeah. I might have—oh, god, this is so embarrassing."

"No," says James hastily. He's still a little floored, but the biggest thing he wants is for Remus to feel safe around him, even if it means James has to be uncomfortable. "So he—what? Found out?"

"I kissed him last May," Remus admits. The words are coming faster now. "It was an accident, mostly. And he kept saying he was okay with it and just wanted to get back to normal, but I couldn't go back, you know? So I avoided him. And then we kind of came to an agreement, and made up, and went to the Slug Club party, but—but then he wanted space, and I have no idea where that leaves us. I don't know what he bloody feels for me anymore, Prongs. I really don't."

"But he didn't—I mean, he and Marlene aren't speaking right now, either. He didn't—?"

"Since she's not speaking to me either, I'm guessing that she found out and reacted badly, but he didn't leave her for me—nothing like that."

James's heart is beating double time. He doesn't know why he's so worked about other people's business that doesn't even directly affect him, but—well—he's never known anybody gay before. Is that what Remus is? He's never demonstrated an attraction to women before, but James never thought he was gay. And what about Sirius, who's only ever dated women?

"Look, Remus," he says as he tries to clamp down on his thoughts. "This is a lot to process—"

"I'm sorry—"

"—But I'm glad you told me. Really, I am. And whatever this means about—you, or him, or the two of you together—I just hope you work it out so that you can both be happy, whatever that looks like. Marlene too."

Remus smiles in the dark—he can see it now that his eyes have adjusted. "Thanks, Prongs. We'll just… I don't know. See if he shows up at the full moon tomorrow."

"Does he know it's tomorrow?"

"I'm sure he does. He's only been tracking it every month since first year. But, listen, this might be our last full moon outdoors."

"What? Why?"

"The Wolfsbane Potion," says Remus. "Pomfrey wants me to go to the Shack again this time in case last month was a one-off, but after this, she'll probably just have me transform in the Hospital Wing. Why bother going all the way through the secret passageway in there if I have control of myself the whole time?"

James frowns. "I'm glad, at least, that before our last time together out in the forest, you'll have had a couple of opportunities to experience it as yourself and remember it afterward. It's been a privilege to get to transform with you all these years."

"Oh, don't you go making me blush," says Remus under his breath. James snorts.

This is the same Remus as before he said anything about having feelings for Sirius, James tells himself as he climbs under the bedcovers and waits for sleep to come. Same old Remus. Nothing to get worked up about.

Then why does James suddenly feel differently about him?

The next morning after breakfast is Defense Against the Dark Arts, where James partners Sirius and immediately lays into him about that night's full moon. "Moony says it's going to be his last one in the Shack—after this, she's monitoring him from the Hospital Wing. You have to come. Who knows how long it'll be before we have the opportunity to run together again?"

"He probably doesn't even want me there," says Sirius moodily, rubbing his bum as he stands up—James's Impediment Jinx hit him hard. "And I don't think that nuzzling each other in animal form is going to do our relationship any favors. Everything's all screwed up, Prongs."

"Yeah, I know. He filled me in last night."

"He did?"

"I'm not going to pretend I understand what you're both going through," says James slowly, "but I know that he still needs you, and I think that you need him, too."

"It's not a good idea, man. It'll just confuse things further."

"But you'll regret it if you don't. Last chance, remember?"

James sincerely doesn't know whether Sirius is going to come or not, so when they're up in the dormitory that night and Remus has been gone for about half an hour, James carefully says to Sirius and Peter, "Well, it's about that time," and just waits.

"Yep," says Peter predictably, and then they both look at Sirius, who gives a helpless little shrug of his shoulders.

"Let's go, then," says Sirius, and as proud as James is of him, Sirius sounds defeated and miserable.

They follow their usual routine: they head out of the castle under the Invisibility Cloak, Peter immobilizes the Whomping Willow when he's in his rat form, and then they sneak through the passageway, stowing the Cloak and their clothes in one of the Shack's bedrooms, and James and Sirius transform.

Back before the Wolfsbane Potion, Moony had to be coaxed back through the tunnel that would open up into the Hogwarts grounds, but now, he leads the way up and out of the Shack. Prongs still hasn't gotten used to what it's like for Moony to be himself and in control of his mind when he transforms every month, but Prongs hopes that Moony always has access to the Wolfsbane Potion, that he never has to see Moony go through that pain again.

It takes a while—like, a while—to get through the passageway and back out of Hogsmeade. When they finally do—Wormtail squeezing out first so he can once again freeze the Willow until the other three are clear of it—they stand there pawing at the ground awkwardly for a moment before Moony bows his head and Wormtail clambers up to come to rest on Moony's back, digging his paws into the dark fur. Moony brushes past Prongs and then parks himself face-to-face with Padfoot.

Very slowly, Padfoot reaches out with one paw, retracts it, and then extends it again until it's covering one of Moony's own paws. Moony steps to the side so that he can swipe himself across the length of Padfoot's body, Wormtail hopping from Moony's back onto Padfoot's.

In the morning, Remus and Sirius aren't speaking again. All James can think about is the tenderness with which they looked at each other the whole night before, and he wonders, how could two people who care about each other that deeply stay apart?

Of course, you could say the same of Sirius and Marlene, or, once upon a time, Sirius and James. Sometimes, how much you love each other isn't a predictor for whom you'll actually want to be near.

Sometimes—and James thinks this might be the case here—you stay away because you love each other too much to be healthy.