Previously in the Darklyverse: Two summers ago, James consoled Lily through the first few days after her parents died in a car crash. Just when James and Lily started dating, James's mother and then father were infected with spattergroit. Marlene broke up with Sirius, who has been entertaining the possibility of dating Remus. The Gryffindors' new student organization, War Stories, touched on issues of blood purity but failed to attract any Slytherins as the Gryffindors waited to graduate and fight again.

Revised version uploaded 22 January 2022.

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December 3rd, 1977: Lily Evans

Lily knows how this is going to sound, and she doesn't mean it that way, she swears—but the timing with which James's parents fell mortally ill coincided horribly with the official start of his relationship with Lily. It feels like Lily barely had days to enjoy being with James fully for the first time before he got the news and everything changed overnight. She thinks things are good between them—she hopes things are good between them—but it's so hard to tell when James is always either putting on a show or hopelessly desolate, and nothing she tries to do seems to lift his spirits.

And that's understandable—Lily's not saying it's not. She knows it's not about her, and she wouldn't dream of trying to make James forget about his parents and move on without caring what happens to them. But it's hard to feel good about how things are going between them if James is never happy anytime they're alone together—because he's worried about his parents, yes, but also because he's tormenting himself with guilt about having spent too much time with Lily and the others instead of with his mum and dad before they got sick.

And moreover—they're basically never alone together. Wherever Lily and James go, Marlene generally follows, and with Marlene generally comes Mary, too. It's not that Lily doesn't want to spend time with either of them. Marlene is her best mate, and even Mary—Lily doesn't know her as well, and she always makes Lily feel a little guilty whenever she's close to Marlene, but Mary treated her like she belonged when Lily was first on the outs with Severus, and Lily hasn't forgotten that. Add that to everybody spending more time mixing with the rest of the Gryffindors after Remus's poisoning, and there's just not really any room for Lily and James to have quality time.

So Lily is immensely excited about the Hogsmeade weekend coming up. Sure, they'll probably meet up with the other boys in Zonko's, and Lily promised Marlene and Mary lunch in The Three Broomsticks, but for the most part, she's going to get a whole uninterrupted date day with James. She can't wait, and she hopes that the occasion will lift his spirits, too, so he can loosen up and have a little fun for once.

It's not that she thinks he shouldn't be worried about his parents or that his concerns about spending too much time with the Gryffindors are unfounded—even if she doesn't like to think about that last part. But Lily misses him, and she doesn't think he deserves for his entire life to be consumed with anxiety and regret.

When Saturday finally rolls around, she gets up early and spends an entirely unreasonable length of time letting Mary do her hair and makeup. Normally she doesn't bother with either, but it's her first official date with James, and she wants to feel her best. She puts on a clean pair of robes, grabs her winter cloak, and heads down to the Great Hall with Marlene, where they grab seats by Peter and Remus.

"You look nice," says James, kissing Lily on the top of her head when he joins them ten minutes later. "Hey," he says to the others.

"Sirius running late?" asks Peter.

"Nah, he's right behind me," says James. "I gotta go—I promised him I'd sit with him—but I'll meet you after breakfast, Lily?"

Lily smiles at him and tries not to wolf her food down too fast in a rush to get out of there. James taps her on the shoulder when he's ready, and they head out and get into Filch's line to leave the castle. The walk down the hill and into the village is brisk; the December air is crisp and fresh and leaves Lily's cheeks feeling scrubbed raw. But conversation comes easy, and she's happy.

As a joke, they go into Madam Puddifoot's and try to see whose mug of tea gets the most confetti dumped into it (James's). The tea is actually quite good, even if the atmosphere isn't, and Lily enjoys drinking as she periodically fishes confetti out with her spoon. James is animated in an authentic way that she hasn't seen from him in what feels like months. They make fun of Binns's lectures and enthuse about Bungs's Defense lessons, and James is just telling Lily all about how the Gryffindor Quidditch team is doing as they drop a few Sickles on the table and head back outside.

He's just gotten done filling her in about the team's new Beater, Sirius's replacement, when something shutters behind his eyes and she can see the fear and despair creeping up on him again. "Hey," Lily says. She stops walking, spins to face James, and grabs his hands in hers. "You okay?"

"Yeah. It's just—they would have loved to hear about this."

"Your parents." James doesn't answer. "They're not gone, James. Even if you shouldn't see them, you can still write them."

"Yes, but for how long?" James pushes. "I've been trying to distance myself, like maybe I can practice for it, you know—practice not being able to ever talk to them again. Knowing that they're here, but not for how long—sometimes I wonder if this part is worse than it's going to be when they pass, because I can't imagine feeling worse than this, but what if I do feel worse when they're gone? What then? I can barely stand this part. I…"

"Come on," says Lily gently, and she leads him off the street and onto the snow-capped grass. They wander a ways out, until they can't hear voices coming from the village anymore, and Lily sits down in the frost and waits for James to join her on the ground.

She puts one of her hands on one of his. "Is that a little better?" she asks.

"Yeah, a little," James admits.

"I know you want to save them," she goes on, and James—flinches, almost. "I know how hard it is. Losing your parents is—well, you know. You were there."

"I keep forgetting you've been through the same thing, almost," he says. "I know I should just talk to you about them, but it's hard to when I feel…"

"Like talking to me is part of the problem," Lily supplies dully.

"It's not just you, for what it's worth. It's… I don't know who I am anymore. I don't think I've known who I am for a long time now."

"At least you're working on it. At least you know what the problem is so that you can…"

James huffs. "I don't know if you can call what I'm doing 'working on it.' I'm just—acting like nothing's wrong when I'm around other people, and when I'm with you or the blokes—it's like I can't balance things. Either I get all distant, or I use you as distractions, which is basically the most hypocritical thing I've ever done in my life."

"Okay. Okay, so maybe you… you work on spending more time alone—you know, getting used to having everything you're worried about in your head and not just burying it in other people. But that doesn't mean you have to be alone all the time, and it doesn't mean you can't be real with people about how you feel when you aren't alone."

"But I don't like being alone," he mutters. "I don't really remember how to be alone."

"Well, you don't have to do it right now. We've still got a few hours left before we have to go back," she says with a small smile.

"I… Lily, I…"

"What?"

He chews on his lip. "Just—thanks. Thanks for always being there. Thanks for listening."

"Well, I keep forgetting to thank you, too," says Lily.

"Thank me? For what?"

"For being there for me when my parents died. I know it was only for a few days before your mum thought you were taking advantage of me and had Marlene come and get me, but—those few days were the worst, and it was you who saved me."

James smiles, though it doesn't go up to his eyes. "Keep saying things like that, and I'm going to get an inflated ego."

"Don't worry, I won't make a habit of it," Lily teases.

"How are you doing with—that, anyway? You just… haven't talked about your family much in a really long time."

She shrugs. "I don't think I ever really dealt with it properly. I just… I was a mess, and then I—distracted myself, I guess. I feel sort of…"

"What?" he asks, nudging her when she doesn't continue right away.

"I'm not saying I'm glad they're dead," she stresses, "but—I'm sort of glad they didn't live to see what happened with the Order. I never told them anything about the war, I didn't want them to be afraid for me, but… when we graduate and get back out there, it would have been harder and harder to hide what we were doing. And even if I pulled it off, then what? I get myself killed, and they never know that I brought it on myself? Or, worse, they find out after the fact what I was involved in—about Liz and Millie—and they're ashamed of me?"

"They wouldn't be ashamed of you. They'd be proud of you. They—"

"You've met my mum. You don't really believe that, do you? This is exactly the kind of thing she would hate for me."

"Well, then, screw her."

"James! She's dead. She and Dad are dead."

"Just because they're dead doesn't mean they were perfect parents. We're doing the right thing, trying to save everyone, and anyone who can't or couldn't see that…"

Lily sighs. "Are we? Are we really doing the right thing? Because—we got two people killed, and we've been doing a fat load of nothing ever since."

He hesitates. "It'll be worth something when we graduate and Dumbledore brings us back in. We'll be making a difference. And it's not like War Stories doesn't matter in the meantime."

"I don't know, James. Sometimes, I think War Stories is just—an echo chamber for people who already believe what we believe. We haven't brought in any Slytherins still."

"No, but—we've brought in Alice," he points out. "And look where she was a few months ago. Maybe there are more people like her who are—learning because of us."

They sit there for a few more minutes before it hits Lily like a brick that this is the most alone she's been with James in—an exceptionally long time. Since before they started dating, at least. She feels hot and flustered, all of a sudden, and she pulls her hand back and looks away from him.

"Are you okay?" James asks quietly.

"Yes, I'm fine, I'm just a little… overwhelmed, I guess."

"How come?"

She gestures around. "It's just us out here. That doesn't make you nervous?"

"I wasn't until you mentioned it," James says with a shaky laugh.

Very carefully, Lily spins around and drops herself into James's lap, winding her arms around his neck. "Hi," she mumbles.

"Hi," he says back.

They haven't really been physically intimate much at all the whole time they've been together. They never talked about what happened when they made out briefly at her and Sirius's flat, and nothing like it has ever happened again—until, maybe, now. "I'm not going to have sex with you," she says now. "And not because of bullshit wizard supremacist reasons—I'm just not comfortable with that anytime soon."

"Sure. Great. I'm good with that," says James.

It looks like he means it, and she gives him a long look before dropping her eyes to his lips.

They don't walk back to the village for a long, long time.