Previously in the Darklyverse: Emmeline attempted suicide, and upon getting caught and treated by Madam Pomfrey, the Gryffindors attempted to cover up the incident, erased the faculty's memories, and drew up a schedule to keep an eye on her. Emmeline grappled with her complicated relationship with Sirius, with whom she had a brief and abruptly-ended romantic entanglement back in fourth year. Alice felt disconnected from her friends.

Revised version uploaded 25 January 2022.

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December 9th, 1977: Alice Abbott

Mary wakes Alice up at two A.M. as promised for her shift with Emmeline. She's exhausted—Alice doesn't do well being woken up early for breakfast, let alone in the middle of the night for suicide watch—but she rubs the crust out of her eyes and dutifully goes over to sit down next to Emmeline on Em's bed. "Morning," she says blearily.

"Morning," says Em.

"Why aren't you sleeping? I would have thought you'd be asleep by now. No need to get up on my account."

"Oh, no, it's fine. I'm not tired. Guess that's what I get for knocking myself into a coma for a day and a half."

"Guess so," Alice echoes. "Well, if you're not going to try and sleep, and I can't try and sleep, we may as well do something to pass the time. If we sit here in the dark saying nothing, there's a very good chance I will pass back out again."

Emmeline shrugs in the dark and says, "Yeah, okay. Something like what?"

"Like… play a game or something. Have you ever played Truth or Dare?"

Em looks like she can't believe her life right now. "Everyone knows how to play Truth or Dare, Alice," she says, sounding cross.

"Great, then I don't have to explain the rules," says Alice. "But come on, let's go down to the common room. I don't want to wake anybody up until it's Marlene's turn at four."

They clamber down the stairs and into the common room, which is by now completely deserted. The last embers of a fire are burning on the hearth, and a couple of solitary lanterns are lit, bathing the room in a faint orange glow. Alice heads over to the chairs by the fireplace, and Emmeline follows, grabbing one right next to Alice's.

"I'll go first," says Alice confidently. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Copout. I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding! Um… hm." She debates briefly whether to start off with something silly that will put Emmeline at ease or with something serious. Yes, she has an ulterior motive, and she's not ashamed. Finally, she settles on asking, "How many people have you ever kissed before?" A little personal, but not terribly invasive.

"Two," says Emmeline quietly.

"Okay, so Peter I know about, since it was in front of the entire common room," says Alice with a smile. Hesitantly, Em returns it. "Who's the second one?"

"That's two questions," Em says, folding her arms.

Alice laughs. "Point taken. Okay, now you do me."

"Truth or dare?"

"Dare," Alice says immediately. It's uncharacteristic, but then, everything about this situation is so far from normal that the weirdness barely registers.

Emmeline takes a while to think this one over, which leaves Alice feeling a growing apprehension about what Em has in store for her. She's totally taken off guard when Em says, "Break into the boys' dorm, steal Sirius's supply of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, and eat twenty of them."

"Okay, but you're coming with me. If I go down, you go down with me," says Alice, mostly because she's not supposed to leave Emmeline unattended, but also because it won't be as funny if she's just doing it alone.

They giggle all the way up the stairs to the dormitory, and Alice can't remember the last time before now that she's heard Emmeline laugh. God, how much more obvious could it have been that Em was having a hard time, and how did it go undetected by everyone for so long?

Peter noticed, she reminds herself. But that only makes her feel worse, because Peter tried to tell everyone to take care of her, and they failed.

The worst part is that Alice is making it all about herself—about how guilty and frustrated and sad she feels about not being able to connect with Em on the kind of level it would have taken for her to realize how wrong things were and do something about them. This isn't about Alice, she reminds herself: it's about Emmeline. The last thing Em needs from Alice right now is to project all her own issues onto her.

Up in the dormitory, Alice rummages through the drawer on the nightstand next to Sirius's bed until she picks out a few sacks of beans. Em beckons her back over to the door, and they're just opening it to leave when James blearily says, "Whassat now?"

Alice pulls the door shut, and Em lets out another giggle. "Quick, before they all wake up," Alice says as they race to the bottom of the stairs, beans in tow.

Back in her armchair, Alice tries them one by one and narrates her best guesses at flavors to Emmeline between swallows. "Grass, I think… Some sort of meat?… Oh, eurgh, I think that one was bogeys."

Even once she clears twenty beans for the dare, they continue to nibble on them as Alice asks, "Truth or dare?"

"Truth again," says Em easily.

"All right, uh…" She considers asking a few more easy questions before dipping into any territory that might make Em uncomfortable, but if somebody did that to Alice, she'd probably be frustrated with them for lulling her into a false sense of security. "If you had died this week," she says finally, "what would you regret the most?"

Emmelie's smile slips off her face like tree sap. "If I had died this week, I wouldn't have any regrets because I'd be dead."

"Okay, then, before you slit your wrists, what was your biggest regret in that moment?"

Emmeline glares at her. "Pass."

"No, I mean it. I really want to know. I want to understand what you're going through so that I can help you."

"My biggest regret would have been disappointing my sister and disappointing Peter. The two of them tried the hardest to help me, and if I had died, I would have been letting them down."

"Then why try anyway?"

"That's two questions," Emmeline repeats.

"Em, please."

Em pushes herself up from her armchair and starts to pace back and forth in front of the dying fire. "Just because I appreciate that they tried doesn't mean that it was working. I didn't want to suffer anymore. I still don't. Is that so hard to understand? Because if anybody had any empathy for that, you wouldn't all be playing bullshit games trying to get me to talk about it. I tried to kill myself. I wish it had worked. It is what it is."

"Emmeline—"

"You're not going to give me the dignity of getting away from you and being alone, are you?"

"You know I can't do that. I'm sorry."

"That's great," Em mutters. "Just great."

"If you want me to leave you alone and stop talking to you, I can do that."

"Yeah. That sounds best."

Em decides to try to sleep about half an hour later, and Alice accompanies her back upstairs and sits on her bed, mostly picking at her Arithmancy essay that's due next week but also periodically glancing over to make sure Emmeline is still asleep. For the hundredth time, she wonders whether they made the right decision, trying to keep Em out of the hospital by covering up what she did. Alice can still hardly believe that they did what they did to manipulate Em's future, but she's heard the horror stories about what the conditions on the psych floor are like, and nobody deserves to go through that, and definitely not Emmeline.

But as it turns out, their efforts were for naught. They're in Potions that morning when Professor McGonagall comes into the room and says, "I'm sorry to interrupt the lesson, but I'm going to need—let's see—James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Lily Evans, Marlene McKinnon, and Alice Abbott in the Headmaster's office."

"By all means," says Professor Slughorn, inclining his head. "Off you all get, then."

Peter, Mary, and Emmeline are all already waiting outside the classroom, looking panicked. The walk to Dumbledore's office is awful. Nobody says anything, but Alice is sure that Dumbledore and McGonagall have somehow figured out what they did and that they're all going to get expelled, if not arrested. Going rogue and Obliviating three members of the faculty and a student? Covering up what they covered up?

Filing into Dumbledore's office one by one reminds Alice exactly of coming up here to face the consequences of Liz and Millie's murders. Dumbledore pardoned them that time—even used it as an opportunity for the Order to join forces with his group and start working together against the Death Eaters. Is that going to happen again this time? Are they somehow, some way, going to get off easy? Alice doubts it, but if they got off scot free for getting two people killed, then maybe… maybe…

When they're all inside and McGonagall has closed the door, Dumbledore raises his eyes to them and begins to say, "It appears that on Tuesday morning before breakfast, at our daily faculty meeting, I notified the rest of the Hogwarts professors that Miss Emmeline Vance would not be returning to classes indefinitely. No reason was given, but it was made clear that Miss Vance would be away from Hogwarts for quite some time. I say it 'appears' so because neither Professor McGonagall nor myself had any recollection of this meeting until today."

So word did get out beyond just McGonagall and Dumbledore, whom Pomfrey had notified personally. Alice's heart sinks, and she suddenly finds herself looking at the walls, her shoes—anywhere but at Dumbledore.

"You can imagine everyone's surprise, then, when Miss Vance showed up for her Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson as usual on Thursday morning. On Thursday night, Professor Bungs made to verify Miss Vance's intended absence with me, at which point it became clear that someone or something had tampered with my memories.

"Fortunately, Professor Bungs happens to be quite adept at not only International Magical Cooperation and Defense Against the Dark Arts, but also curse-breaking. When we realized what must have happened, Professor Bungs was happy to undo the magic preventing me from accessing my memories, and I was able to recall not only that Miss Vance made an attempt on her own life on Monday night, but that you, Miss Evans, performed a Memory Charm on myself, Professor McGonagall, and Madam Pomfrey, who treated Miss Vance overnight and through part of Tuesday in the hospital wing, and that the eight of you collectively moved Miss Vance from the Hospital Wing to your own dormitories to observe her recovery yourselves."

Dumbledore doesn't look like he's anywhere near finished, but Mary bursts out, "We couldn't just let you take Em away to the psych floor at St. Mungo's. That place is—"

"—Is the best place where we can ensure that Miss Vance is safe, protected, and on a road to recovery," says Dumbledore gently. "I can understand wanting to protect your friend, Miss Macdonald. I do. But Miss Vance needs to be protected from herself right now, not from the people in the hospital whose responsibility is to help her."

Beside Alice, Emmeline is shaking, but she doesn't say a word. Alice brushes hands with her and, when Em doesn't jerk away, winds their fingers together and squeezes.

"Although covering up an attempted suicide could be considered a criminal offense," says Dumbledore, "Professor McGonagall and I have discussed the situation and do not wish for any of you to face time in Azkaban for having tried to rescue your friend from what you perceived to be an inhumane fate. At this time, we will be taking fifty points each from Gryffindor for your actions—not including from Miss Vance, of course, whose actions warrant concern and kindness, not punishment. However, you should know that you are walking on thin ice. Any offense of anywhere close to comparable in magnitude will result in your expulsions from this school."

Fifty points from eight of them—that's four hundred points gone from Gryffindor. Alice doesn't even think Gryffindor has that many points in the running right now. Is it possible for a house to have negative points? Because that's what Gryffindor is looking at. Still, Alice thinks that taking away points was the least of the possible punishments Dumbledore could have doled out. She can hardly believe that Dumbledore isn't going to snap her wand in two. She's having trouble believing at all that Lily isn't going to face prison time.

"We'll give you a moment to say your goodbyes before we escort you to St. Mungo's, Miss Vance," says Dumbledore gently.

Everybody turns to look at Em. For a moment, nobody says anything, and then Peter wraps her in a huge hug and whispers, "We'll see you again soon, all right? This isn't goodbye for good."

"We'll figure out how to visit," Lily promises. "Does the psych floor have a visitation policy? We'll sort it out."

"We'll write every day," says James.

"We all love you, Em. Don't forget that, okay?" says Marlene.

And then Emmeline and Sirius are looking at each other. Alice can't at all read their expressions or figure out what silent dialogue is going on between them, but Sirius says, "I won't forget you," and Em gives him what looks like a real smile.

Dumbledore hold up a broken quill. "We'll travel by Portkey," he says. "I'll be with you as far into the admissions process as I can."

Em is still shaking when she touches the quill, her fingers brushing against Dumbledore's, and then they are gone.

And Alice—thinks she's going to just wither away if she doesn't find somebody to talk to about all this, but who's going to be there to tell her it's going to be okay? She's got seven best friends in this castle—usually eight, if you count Emmeline, but Em's stuck in St. Mungo's now—and she's sure any of them would be willing to listen to Alice fret over the state of her relationships, but, well, it's not like Alice even knows where to begin. Even if she could find the words, would it help to try to talk to someone, or would it just make Alice feel even more lost and disconnected to touch on something so personal while feeling so far away?

They've got a free period after Potions; she and Remus set off for the library together to work on an essay for McGonagall, and Alice resolves to talk to him about everything she's been feeling while they're down there. But she doesn't bring it up on the walk or even in the first hour—in fact, it's almost lunchtime by the time she summons her courage and says, "Um, Rem?"

"Yeah, Al?" he says, not looking up from the place where he's pointing his quill at his Transfiguration textbook. This is Remus, she reminds herself. They've been study partners since the first day of term in first year, and he knows her. If he didn't abandon her because she acted weirdly at first about him being a werewolf, he's certainly not going to abandon her if the ensuing conversation ends up feeling awkward.

"Ever since we found out about Em, I just…"

He blinks, puts down his quill, and looks her in the eye. "I know. I think—it's been hard on all of us, knowing how close we almost came to losing her."

"It's not that," she says hesitantly.

"Oh?"

"Well—okay, yes, it's that, but it's more than that. I just can't help feeling like I should have been closer to her so that I could have realized what was happening for myself, instead of just—hearing Peter say he was worried about her but not really taking it as seriously as I should have. I—I'm a terrible friend. I shouldn't even be making it about me, and yet…"

Remus reaches forward and squeezes her hand for a second. "You're not a terrible friend. We just—we're all so used to how reserved Em has become that we couldn't recognize it for what it was."

"I know, but that's not all that I… Remus, I should have been closer to her. I should have been talking to her about things that mattered. I should be talking to all of you about things that matter, and instead, I just…"

He smiles thinly. "I hear you. It's easy to just—I know I get caught up in drama sometimes when I'm trying to avoid worrying about the war or about what's going to happen to me when I can't get a job after I graduate, you know, because of my—furry little problem."

For a second, Alice almost forgets how frustrated she feels about the way this conversation is going. "That's what James is talking about when he brings that up? We all thought you had a pet rabbit or something."

"Don't you think you would have noticed if there were a rabbit living in our dormitory?" Remus points out, grinning.

Alice's own smile, though, is fading. This is exactly the problem: Remus says he's hearing her, but he's not, and she doesn't know how to acknowledge her own faults openly enough to make him understand that she's not talking about the problems the Gryffindors share—she's talking about her own shortcomings, the ones she's all alone with. "Remus," she adds, changing tack, "you know I don't blame you for—being what you are, right? You know—I want the best for you, and I want you to have equal rights and everything?"

Sobering, he says, "Yeah, of course I know that. I—thanks."

"But when you first told me—"

"It's okay. Really. You think we don't see you working hard in War Stories—listening—learning—but we do. I do."

"I try to do better," she mumbles. "I swear I'm always trying to do better, even if I can't… even though I'm not…"

"I know you're not your parents," he says gently. "You belong to us, okay?"

And she doesn't believe him, not really, but it's still nice to hear.