Previously in the Darklyverse: Emmeline returned from St. Mungo's with the help of her sister. Already troubled by her breakup with Sirius, Marlene learned from Emmeline what happened between him and Emmeline in fourth year. Marlene tried to balance her friendships with Lily and with Mary. Two summers ago, Lily initially blamed James for her parents' deaths; more recently, James tried to cope with his own parents' spattergroit.

Revised version uploaded 29 January 2022.

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January 18th, 1978: Lily Evans

With Emmeline back from the hospital and Marlene in crisis, Lily isn't sure where to direct her attention. On the one hand, Emmeline's got Peter to keep her comfortable most of the time, and Marlene seems to be doing worse at the moment. But on the other, Marlene could tell Mary what's going on and lean on her for a bit—Lily doesn't know why she hasn't—so that Lily can be there for Em, whose depression was so severe that she attempted suicide. Marlene tends to be self-destructive when she's struggling, but she's not suicidal, and what could be more self-destructive than that?

She spent all of last night with Marlene, who was a sobbing wreck for most of it and didn't say much after briefly explaining about Em and Sirius. Now that it's morning, Emmeline is still asleep in her bed, while Marlene, always an early riser, is sitting on top of hers with a book that she doesn't seem to be actually reading. "Hey," says Lily quietly. She glances around quickly: Em and Mary keep sleeping, whereas Alice has already gotten ready and left for breakfast.

"Oh, good," says Marlene, and she immediately shuts the book and sets it on her nightstand.

"You ready for breakfast?"

"Honestly? No. But I have to leave this room at some point, don't I?"

"There's my girl," says Lily, trying to smile. It comes out fake and sort of forced.

In the Great Hall, Lily purposefully grabs them seats way at the opposite end of the Gryffindor table as where the boys are sitting. The first class of the day is Herbology, which Marlene is taking, but Lily and Sirius both are not. "Promise me you'll do something in class this morning," Lily presses.

Marlene looks at her sort of apprehensively. "What kind of promise are we talking?"

"Mary's in there with you, right? So tell her what's going on."

"But—it's groups of three to four in Herbology. Mare and I usually work with Alice and Reg."

"Okay, then tell her you need to talk to her after class and get her alone. Can you do that for me?"

Marlene groans and looks way down the table at Mary, who's sitting in between Emmeline and Remus. She's laughing at something Sirius said and missing her mouth with her fork. "Yeah, I can do that."

"Great. That's great, Marlene."

Lily waits until Marlene is off through the doors on her way to Herbology before getting up and pacing to the other end of the table. Everybody has left for Herbology except Em, Sirius, and Remus, and Emmeline looks a little like she's not sure how to act in front of the boys. "Is it all right with you all if I steal Em away?"

"By all means," says Remus, inclining his head, and Sirius nods through a mouthful of sausage.

She ends up taking Em back to the common room, which is mostly empty with most of the students currently in class. Merlin bless N.E.W.T. levels and their free periods. Emmeline looks pale and nervous and haunted, and she keeps looking over her shoulder like—Lily doesn't know what. Like something.

"We can go up to the dormitory if you'd rather—" she tries to offer.

"No, being out here is good," Em says. "It reminds me that there's a whole world away from that place. I just keep expecting someone from St. Mungo's to turn up and tell me there was a mistake and I have to go back."

"You really weren't expecting to get out so soon, huh?"

"Not even a little. I didn't talk to many people in there, but the ones I did had been in there for months if not years." She drops her voice, even though it's not really necessary. "I don't think they have any idea what they're doing in there. Trying to treat us. They kept saying I needed to 'comply with my treatment plan' and prove that I was better to get released, but any kind of—anything—like pointing out when they got something I said wrong or made a wrong assumption about me—I got accused of noncompliance. Eventually, you learn to just go along with whatever they say so that they stop seeing you as a problem, but even then, you stay stuck there. On the worst days, I wanted to fake it enough to get better just so I could get out and go somewhere I could kill myself."

Lily doesn't really have any idea what she's supposed to say to that. She wants to be there for Em, obviously, and be a good listener and empathize, but suicidality is so far out of Lily's ballpark that she's just drawing up blanks when she tries to think of what to say. Eventually, she tells Em, "Are you still feeling suicidal now? Not that I think you should go back there if you are—but—should I be doing something to help?"

"I'm not feeling that way now, no," Em says. "Funny enough—being out of that place and back at Hogwarts is helping a lot. When I was in there, I felt like there was nothing to live for because I couldn't enjoy anything about my life, you know? Out here, I can see all the people I would never get to see and learn all the things I wouldn't get to learn if I died. I don't even mind catching up on homework and trying to study for N.E.W.T.s. I just want to be back."

"That's a really good sign," says Lily. "Emmeline—I'm here, okay? And so is everybody else. I know we get it wrong a lot of the time, but you're not alone."

"I know. Thanks, Lily." There's an awkward pause, and then Em adds, "Did, uh—did Marlene tell you what's going on with her when you were with her last night?"

"She did, yeah. I'm sorry," says Lily, even though she's not totally sure what she's apologizing for. "I know you weren't expecting to get slammed with that reaction for telling Marlene something you thought she already knew."

"I just can't believe Sirius didn't tell her already. They were together for so long… it's not like he didn't have the opportunity to bring it up."

"Maybe he was just trying to protect your privacy. After all, it was your news to share that your parents had died, and since you hadn't told anyone else that—it's not like the story makes sense without that detail in there."

"I just feel… responsible. I know it isn't my fault and that Sirius made his own choices, but…"

"Hey. Don't ever feel bad about what you did there, okay? Your parents had died, and you reacted badly. I know I reacted badly when my parents died—I pinned a bunch of the blame on James, and he didn't deserve that, but I don't feel guilty about it, not anymore," says Lily.

Emmeline nods. "I keep forgetting that your parents died. I mean—I'm sorry, that came out terrible—I just mean I keep forgetting I'm not alone in this, that other people have been here too."

"I know what you mean," says Lily. "I know it's horrible, and I know you don't just get over it just because the rest of the world has moved on."

"How do you deal with it?" Emmeline asks. "Because it's been three years and I don't think I'm much closer to being okay than I was when it happened."

"Honestly? I think I've been repressing it. I don't think about it much anymore—I block it out every time it comes back. I don't know, maybe I'm setting myself up for a breakdown later, but I didn't know what else to do. They were gone, and I had like one person in my life I could talk to about it, and I didn't know how to deal."

"I get that," says Emmeline. "I just had my sister, but she was out of Hogwarts already when it happened, and anyway, it was so much easier to blame Sirius and stay angry than to accept that they were gone and really feel the loss, you know?"

"Yeah, I know. I blamed James, as if that makes any sense."

"I just… I don't like to think about what they would think of me if they saw who I've become. They didn't raise me to be mean, but I was, for some time. And I don't think they would have—my parents wouldn't have had any tolerance at all for anybody who ended up on the psych floor at St. Mungo's."

Lily shakes her head. "You'll make yourself crazy thinking like that. I know that doesn't fix it, but—you just have to remember that they loved you unconditionally. Even if they saw you doing things they didn't like, they wouldn't react by, like, shunning you—they would open their eyes to what was happening to you and why."

"Sometimes I think…" Em stops, and Lily almost thinks she's not going to elaborate, but then she does. "Sometimes I think we get sucked up into our own dramas here at school because it's easier than facing the bigger problems we have, you know? I mean, I know it was easier for me to be mad at Sirius than it was to be grieving my parents. Maybe it's also easier to, like—I know when I was in the hospital, it was easier to worry about who was still going to be friends with me when I got out than about how long exactly it was going to take for me to get discharged."

"Yeah. I think it's safe to say I'm distracting myself from what happened with Liz and Millie by focusing on Marlene's relationship problems."

"I think we're all distracting ourselves from Millie and Liz," says Em darkly.

"Maybe Mary had it right by quitting the Order," Lily says. "Maybe she left because she's actually thinking about them and working through the loss, instead of doing what we're all doing, which is just—charging forward like nothing ever happened. But it did happen. I don't know about the rest of you, but I know I can't get away from the memory of what happened."

Emmeline admits, "I see that night every time I try to fall asleep."

It's kind of nice, having somebody who understands what it's like to lose your parents, even if she wishes she had known Em had gone through the same thing when Lily's parents passed away. Of course, Em isn't the only one of Lily's friends who sort of knows what Lily went through—because James is going through the exact same thing, too.

Most of the time, James seems totally normal—but every now and then, she catches a glimpse of his face when he thinks nobody's looking at him, and he just looks devastated. He hasn't talked much about his parents lately, but she knows he's been sneaking off to the Owlery three times a week to write to them. He's said himself that this is something he's trying to learn to deal with on his own—that part of the problem is that he doesn't know how to be alone with his own grief—and Lily's trying to respect that and give him the space he says he needs to handle his parents' illness. Still she just wishes she could swoop in and save him the way he saved her those first few days after her own parents died two summers ago.

Marlene comes to find her in the free period between the end of Herbology and lunch. Lily doesn't know whether she's supposed to invite Marlene to join her and Em or to excuse herself and take Marlene aside in private. Fortunately, Em saves Lily her dilemma by quickly saying, "I should go and find Peter now that he's out of class. I'll see you both at lunch?"

"Yes, lunch sounds great," says Lily gratefully.

After Emmeline leaves, Lily turns to Marlene and asks her, "So did you talk to Mary?"

Marlene shakes her head.

"Marlene, you have to talk to her. You have to tell people what you're going through."

"I know. I'll tell her soon. I just wanted a few minutes where I could pretend that none of this is happening."

And doesn't Lily understand that? It's like she was telling Emmeline earlier: she buried her parents' deaths just like she buried Liz's and Millie's, just like she buried her complicated feelings about Severus. She knows she shouldn't—that soon she's going to overflow with the strain of everything she's repressing—but it's so, so tempting to shove things down rather than confront them head-on.

"Talk to Mary," Lily says again, because she wants better for Marlene than she has herself, and she hopes dearly that Marlene listens.