Hello, here the 3rd chapter of the story inspired by the song Arcade - Duncan Laurence. Like always, hope you like it and any comment / review is welcome :D ! See U soon!

CH 03 - Loving you is a losing game

People say nothing hurts more than a broken heart. And, they couldn't be more wrong. For Alison, there's something more painful, something impossible to get over and that's it a broken promise, especially when you know deep down you could have done something to keep your word. And maybe that's the main reason why Alison feels so uneasy with this call. She promised Pam to always be Emily's family and right now, she's nothing more than an intruder in the brunette's life. So, how she's supposed to face Ms. Fields without shame? Without remorse for her inability to keep her word?

"I'm sorry…"

Pam deeply sighs, it always puts her uneasy when Alison starts their conversations with an apology. And the big remorse Alison has towards Pam is definitely one of the reasons why the old woman was never able to really hate her after the divorce. Do not get it wrong, Pam is not a fan of the blonde, but she doesn't hate her. She doesn't blame her for the divorce because deep down, Ms. Fields knows that the separation is not only Alison's fault. Emily had a big part in it too.

So, Alison should stop apologizing, she should stop blaming herself for the fallout of the marriage, but regardless of what Pam could say to her, Alison will never make peace with it till she's ready to let go. Let go of the blame, the remorse, the pain and the wonder of what could have been but never happened. And, Pam prays everyday so that day comes soon because after all, she wishes nothing more than happiness for Alison.

"How are you?"

"We're doing fine, Ms. Fields. You don't need to worry for Emily and the girls. They are fine"

"I know they're fine. You're there so I know they will be okay. That's not what I'm asking: How are you? You, Alison. How are YOU?"

The blonde doesn't dare to answer such a direct question. But, hearing her deep breaths over the phone, it gives Pam a pretty good clue to think that the blonde is far from being okay. And, how can she be okay? She has been dragged back to this wicked town which has caused her so much pain. Just to take care of the girl who has also brought her more pain than happiness. Because do not take it wrong, Alison might have hurt Emily more than once, but the brunette did the same to her.

So yeah, she's not fine. Alison is far from being fine. But, can she admit it to herself? To Pam? No, she can't. So what do you do when you are not able to face the truth? You lie. And, Alison has always been a master of lies, always able to keep her cool and good appearance in the most difficult situations. So, she should be able to pretend to be fine for Pam' sake but she cannot. Because the moment she dares to insinuate she's doing great, Pam doesn't believe it.

"Do not lie to me, Alison! I know you're not fine, far less great!"

Of course Pam doesn't buy it, and the blonde wonders how Emily and Pam always find a way to see through her soul. Is it a family thing? A superpower they got? Who knows, but it bugs Alison every time.

"I've no idea what you're feeling right now. I wish you could tell me. But, if you can't. It's okay..."

"Ms Fields…"

"Alison. I'm Pam for you! Just because you're not married to my daughter, it doesn't mean you cannot call me by my name and it doesn't mean either I don't care for you. I never stopped to care. I hope you know that"

"I know… I know, Pam…"

"Then why do you keep pushing me away?"

Tears start to blur her view and Alison is thankful they are having this conversation over the phone, because the last thing she needs right now, it's to be a crying baby in front of the only woman who has really been like a mother to her.

"You're family for me, Alison. So, if things get hard, please, talk to me and I'll send you my guardian angel"

Alison chuckles, she's right, Pam will always be more than the mother of her Ex. She will be the mother figure Alison will always admire, the mother she wishes she could have. And, the woman to whom she wants to make amends. Because she broke her promise to Pam, she didn't stand beside Emily. And, maybe that's also one of the reasons she's back, for Pam, for the remorse she feels for the broken promise she made years ago when she got Pam's blessing to marry the brunette. Because she might have failed to stay with the brunette and be her family forever, but, she can keep her word on always being there when Emily will need it the most. Just like right now.

"I'll take good care of Emily"

"I know. But, I also want you to take good care of yourself. So, I'll keep calling. Not to check on Emily because I know you will contact me if something relevant happens. But, because I want to check on you. Okay?"

"Okay"

"And, if you need extra help, you will tell me, okay?"

"But Pam, you cannot put a foot in this house, you…"

"I just told you, I've a guardian angel which I'm sure will be more than happy to help you. So, you just say the word and I'll send it right away to you, okay?"

Alison chuckles, she knows Pam is very close to God, but she wonders how Pam has an angel on speed dial just for her. Anyway, she agrees to everything Pam asks and the okay popped up with a big smile. Alison can't recall when was the last time someone checked on her, just to know how she's doing. But, it's nice, it's more than nice. And, that's how Alison finds herself talking now with two people on a regular basis. Her call log starts to change, a new/old number starts to display in the list of regular contacts. And, for the 1st time in years, Alison feels she's getting ready to stop apologizing to Pam.

Her guilt towards Pam, towards the promise she didn't keep should disappear with Emily's recovery. That's what Alison says to herself. That's the reason she focuses on one task only: Emily's health. But, being there for Emily is harder than what it looks. It's a task which doesn't come easy as Emily has always been stubborn, grumpy and reticent, such qualities which have gotten more aggravated with age.

"God damn it, Emily! Don't be stubborn and let me help you!"

"No! I can do it! I can shower myself!"

The brunette has no intention to make Alison's life a living hell, but her wounded pride wants to prove she's at least capable of doing a basic thing like taking a shower. And, God, she was wrong! The moment Emily tries to walk towards the bathroom, her legs quiver and stop working, leading her to an unavoidable fall. She was going to hit the floor, would she break a bone? Her body is so weak these days that she waits for nothing else than the worst case scenario to happen. But, as Emily prepared her body to hit the floor, she forgot to prepare her heart to hit something else, a smoother surface: Alison's arms.

"Ali?"

"I got you, I got you…"

It's the powerlessness of not being able to do anything or the realisation that this is her first physical contact in weeks? Emily doesn't know exactly the reason why she burst into tears the moment Alison holds her between her arms. She cries and cries, non-stop in the arms of the blonde who over the last couple of years has not offered more than a forced smile. Because after all the hurt, all the mistrust, what else was left?

The blonde didn't have it in her to stick around to pretend to be a good friend. Not to the girl who broke her heart without remorse. Not to the mermaid who swam her way out, leaving her behind to drown in sadness and loneliness. And, that's why, since the divorce, Alison has put distance between them, no contact between them. Other than the girls they are raising together, they didn't have any other conversation to discuss. Emily felt hurt by the cold treatment, but she didn't fight it, she accepted it and moved forward with a life without Alison. So, why? Why is she gripping on Alison as if her life depended on it?

God damn it! How she has missed this! To have Alison so close to her again, it comes with lots of emotions. Emily loves it and hates it. This vanilla aroma, this sweet sensation of feeling complete, only in the arms of this woman. One part of Emily, regrets yearning for this closeness and she's not the only one, Alison's tough attitude towards the brunette crumbles under the sight of a fragile Emily. The brunette is her Achilles heel, that's why -A always used the mermaid to bring Alison out of the shadows. Because no matter how much bitchiness can be among them, in a matter of life & death, they will always jump in to catch each other.

"It's gonna be okay, Em. It's gonna be okay"

Despite the big grudge between them, Alison can't do anything else than wrap her arms around a broken mermaid. And, it feels nice, it feels more than nice. The sweet voice of Alison, the encouragement to not break is enough to settle Emily's heart. To give her the strength to stand up and feel safe enough to accept the help of Alison to clean up. The brunette might be taller and heavier, but Alison struggles very little to put her in the bathtub.

"This is embarrassing..."

"Why? Is not like this is the 1st time I see you naked"

The brunette's cheeks get red with blush. And such blush gets worse when the blonde undresses her with a smug smirk. Emily blames the hot water for it, but we know the real reason for this blush. The blonde who's rubbing a sponge on her back, the blonde who's getting a wet blouse because of the water. And, the closer look of what is below that blouse, it's reason enough to stop this as soon as possible.

"I can take it from here"

The brunette takes the sponge from Alison. She needs distance, she needs to calm down and stop eyeing towards the wet blouse of the blonde. But, no matter how hard she tries to push Alison away. The blonde will not leave, not this time.

"Give me that! Stop whining and let's just get over this, the water will get cold and the last thing you need is a cold"

The blonde gets back the sponge, leaving no room for discussion, to which Emily's only response is...

"Okay…"

No further comment comes as Alison helps her to take a bath. Emily wants to focus on something else other than the constant feeling of having the blonde touching her naked body with a sponge. Emily cannot control her heart, the way it's rising to the sky. Especially when Alison's blouse gets even more soaked, and damn it! Why does Alison have to be so damn beautiful? Emily wonders, even when she's sick, Alison is able to make her feel so hot and… no, Emily shakes her head, she cannot go through that road again. She can't, she will not. It's what the brunette constantly says to herself as the minutes feel like hours in that tub.

"Your breathing is becoming erratic, Emily. Are you having breathing problems?"

Of course she has problems to breathe! Alison was giving her a bath and this feels so wrong and good on so many levels. Emily doesn't know what to do besides pushing the blonde away, literally, she pushes her away, forcing Alison to hit the floor and making things worse between them.

"What the hell, Emily!? I'm just trying to help!"

"I know, but… but, you're too close! And, I don't want you to get sick too…"

Alison rolls her eyes, she wants to snap, but recalling her therapist's words, she takes deep breaths to placate her anger and once she's more calm, she resumes to rub the sponge on Emily's naked body but once again, Emily pushes her away under the lame excuse she will get sick if she doesn't keep her distance. And, they don't have time for this, that's why Alison admits for the 1st time that she cannot get sick again in such a short period of time.

"What? What do you mean? You had the…?"

"Yeah, I cought the COVID, I caught it at work I guess. But, do not worry, that was a few months ago. I'm fine now, I tested myself before coming and according to the doctors, I've enough antibodies to not catch it in a long time"

Emily doesn't know what to say. Complete silence fills the room, just the sound of water is the only thing you could hear till the brunette mumbles...

"I didn't know…"

"How could you? I never mentioned it"

"Why didn't you tell me you had the COVID?"

"Well, I don't recall calling you each time I got the flu, so…"

"Ali! This is not the same and you know it!"

The blonde knows this virus is serious, it's a losing game for lots of people and she's lucky to be one of the few people who stood alive after getting it, but that doesn't mean she feels comfortable talking about it, especially with Emily. It's like if the brunette wanted them to be like two budies, sharing war wounds, and Alison cannot do that, their relationship is more complex than that. But, regardless of the complexity of their relationship, Emily would have liked to know about Alison's health.

More than once, Emily has always wondered what Alison would be doing. How was she doing? Was she happy with her life? Was she in love? More than once, the brunette felt her heart explode under the fear of something bad happening to the blonde. Especially after what happened with the professor.

Emily recalls very well how she felt when she saw over the news the horrors which took place in Oregon, at the university where Alison was working and studying at the same time. Fear, frustration, impotence. The brunette wanted to jump into the 1st plane to Oregon but she didn't. How could she? Deep down, she knew something was off on Alison but she never asked, she never thought it could be another psychopath stalking the blonde.

The truth got revealed and with it, it also got under the light the fact that Emily was far to be the killer, the protector of the Queen Bee. And, feeling ashamed, Emily never flew to Oregon. It was too late to act like Alison's killer, just like now, it was too late to do something for the blonde. She was fine now, she survived another situation of life & death without the help of Emily. And, once again, the brunette feels helpless, frustrated. And, those feelings get worse when she figures out that the person Alison took care of, it was no one else than herself.

"You said that you took care of someone with the COVID. Were you talking about yourself?"

"Yes"

"Did you get it bad? As bad as me? Were you at the hospital? Who was there for you? I..."

"I don't want to talk about it, Emily. I'm better now, so just forget I mentioned it…"

"I cannot forget it, Alison! Just tell me!"

"Tell you what?! That I felt like crap? Yes! Emily, I felt like I was dying and the worst part is that I had no one to lean on, okay! I got through it alone like every single thing in my life! Happy now?!"

Happy? How can she feel happy knowing that Alison got through it alone? Emily gulps hard, she was feeling like shit because of the COVID but, now that she hears Alison saying she had to deal with the same things without help, she feels even worse. No further comment is shared. They finish the bath, Emily gets dry and in clean pajamas and the blonde is done for today, she's more than ready to leave the brunette alone, but, when her hand is holding the doorknob of the bedroom, her Ex says…

"You should have told me"

"Told you what, Emily? That I was sick?"

"Yes"

"Why? There was nothing you could have done"

"I could have crossed the country to be there for you, just like you're doing it now, for me"

Alison makes no comment, she rushes to walk away without turning back. The day ends, she will not see the brunette for the rest of the night, but Emily's words sink hard on Alison' soul, so hard that the blonde sends an SOS to her therapist as one session of therapy was needed urgently.

"How does she dare to say such words?!"

"Alison…"

"How does she dare to pretend she cares a penny about me?!"

"Alison…"

"I mean, she broke up with me by email! Texts, email, not even a fucking phone call to settle the divorce and now she expects me to call her every time I'm in distress?!"

"ALISON! Please breathe!"

If her therapist wouldn't have raised her voice, the blonde would have kept going without breathing till pass out since she forgot completely, she was holding her breath as she rambled about what Emily's words made her feel. Alison follows the breathing exercises her therapist guides her to do and as she fills her lungs with oxygen, her turmoil of emotions gets more present in her heart. Alison hates herself for becoming such a mess because of her Ex's words, especially because she refuses to believe a single word.

"She's lying! This must be a really bad joke"

"Why do you think like that Alison?"

"Because… she left me… she bailed on me so, No! She cannot say she cares if I die or not!"

She says those words with so much sorrow, just like the first time she said it out loud, a big relief spread all over her heart because she was finally capable of putting into words what really broke her. It wasn't to sign the divorce, it wasn't the lack of sex and intimacy, it was the fact that the only person in this world who was supposed to always have her back no matter what, bailed on her. Emily bailed on her. And, as painful as it's to admit it, Emily, turning her back on her, is till this day the most painful thing Alison has ever lived, and, we're talking about the girl who got tormented by psychos over the years, the girl who got buried alive by her own mother! And yet, the trophy of who has caused more damage in Alison's life, it goes to Emily without a doubt.

Yeah, loving someone has been a losing game for the blonde. The question is when she will stop losing such game and with whom…