Hello, here the last chapter of the story inspired by the song Arcade - Duncan Laurence. Like always, hope you like it and any comment / review is welcome :D !
CH 04 - Loving you is a losing game
Regrets. Mistakes you refuse to admit. They haunt you till the end of days. And, they get louder and louder into your head when you stand in front of what could have been but never was because you were too afraid to make it happen. That's how Emily feels right now, looking from the window of her room how Alison is playing in the backyard with their twins.
It's a beautiful view she forced herself to not dream and yet, she's here, seeing it with her own eyes. The brunette was unprepared to see this, to hear Alison's laugh again. To smell that sweet vanilla aroma again. To feel again what only the blonde is able to make her feel.
She doesn't like to depend on someone. She doesn't like to ask for help. She doesn't like to admit when she commits mistakes. And more than anything, Emily doesn't want to see what could have been a life with Alison, and yet, she gets that, every day. From the moment she opens her eyes in the morning, the first thing she sees is those blue eyes. The first thing she feels is the tender touch of Alison's hand. The first thing she hears is Alison's voice. And, it's good, it's everything.
The twins are having a blast too, she can see it in their smiles. It's good to have Alison back and somehow Emily feels like she has wasted a big time of her life. Was it worth to give up so soon? Was it worth to not fight for moments like this? Emily wonders when she recalls the day she gave up on all of this.
Fights after fights. Emily was tired of it, she wasn't capable of trusting Alison, especially after she found out that the blonde applied to a master's degree on the other side of the country. She told herself and the blonde that the distance would be good for them, but that was no more than a big lie because the moment the blonde put a foot out of the house, the brunette was already taking off her ring.
So easy she did it, so easy she asked for the divorce, so easy she thought she had moved on and now… now that she looks at her bare hand, she wonders why she took off the ring in the first place. Yeah, Alison has her temper, she always had. But, was that the reason why she let her go? Is that the reason why she filed the divorce? The brunette hasn't wondered about that for years till now, when she found a folded piece of paper on the floor of her room. Alison probably dropped it by accident, Emily should turn it back without reading it but…
- Why did you divorce me?
- Why didn't you fight for us?
- Why did you ask me to leave?
- Why did you stop loving me?
- Why, Emily… Why did we end like this?
Why, so many 'why's ' were in that little paper and Emily's heart twists in pain with each one of them. Tears fall from her eyes because she starts to wonder too, why… Why did she let her go when she promised she would never do it? Why didn't she fight for what her heart begged her to keep? Why…?
"Girls, have you seen a folded paper around?"
Alison asks, while she puts the house upside down, trying to find the one thing she wanted to review with her therapist in their next session. It was so hard to finally write down the top questions she wanted to discuss with the brunette that the blonde doesn't understand how she lost such a precious paper already. It's very frustrating.
"Fuck!"
"Mommy said another bad word! Jar! Jar! Jar!"
The blonde rolls her eyes when the twins bring the swear jar so she can put the penalty in it.
"It's 20 dollars, mom!"
"What?! Since when? Yesterday, it was 1 dollar…"
The twins shrug and do not give up till Alison puts 20 bucks in the jar.
"You're really going to get rich at my expense…"
The twins giggle and just rush to count the money they have collected since Alison arrived. They never understood the benefits of such a jar till now that's full with Alison's money. And, yes, she says big words, most of the time, but she's also able to stay speechless, like the moment Emily gives her back the folded paper she was so eager to find.
"Did you read it?"
Emily doesn't need to answer, it's written all over her face that she read it. And, Alison is not sure how to feel. Angry, sad, ashamed…? She promised to her therapist to talk about this with Emily but now that the perfect opportunity to talk appears in front of her, she says nothing and Emily says nothing either. Once again, they fall into this pattern where they just ignore the big elephant in the room. But, it's that what she wants? What she needs?
"Open up, talk has never been my best quality. And, you've no idea how hard it has been for me to write these questions. But, I needed it, I need to ask, why, why did you file for the divorce?"
"You know why…"
The brunette looks away, her answer is evasive, just like her attitude and Alison is familiar with it and she's done with it too.
"NO! I don't know! And, I want to know what the hell I did for you to give up on us!"
Emily doesn't reply, she just rolls over her bed, giving her the back, making clear her position on having this conversation. And, the brunette might not want to talk about the past, but Alison needs to, she deserves to be heard.
"Fine, don't talk. You might not feel the need to talk, but I do…"
Taking a deep breath, Alison finally puts into words what broke her in their marriage.
"You never believe in me. No one believes me in this fucking town. I pretended to not care, but I did care. I still care, but I'm past trying to set the record straight. I don't need to prove myself to you or anyone. I get that now"
Recalling the past, Alison remembers the feeling of overthinking everything, it was exhausting and pointless because...
"If I had the tiniest flaw, I would be considered a monster not a human. It felt like you were always telling me to stand still on a thin, thin tightrope. It was hard to live under such pressure, but I said nothing and continued to walk in such tightrope. For a while I tried my best to meet your expectations till I couldn't. Till I fell from that tightrope and you weren't there to catch me"
A tear reveals and Alison lets her roll down, free just like she's finally feeling right now, free from the past, of those untold feelings she's letting go now.
"I wasn't the best partner. The best wife. But, you know what? I deserved better than being cut off from your life by text…"
You could feel the angst in Alison's voice when she said those words before walking away from Emily who's crying in silence in her bed. Ashamed by the actions of the past. Loving Alison always felt like a losing game and yet, the brunette feels like she's the one who lost for giving up on that love.
The next couple of days weren't any different than the previous days and yet, something felt different. The mood was off, in the house and outside the house. Closed restaurant, precariousness on food & services because of the COVID. It wasn't the best moment for anyone, but…
"You look better, Emily…"
"I feel better, thanks to Alison, mom"
Emily tries to smile during her video call with her mother, but her smile doesn't match with the sadness in her eyes and Pam wonders if it's because...
"Perhaps you still love Alison?"
"What? Please, give me some credit, I'm the one who filed the divorce, remember?"
"I remember… I just don't remember why…"
Again with the why. Emily rolls her eyes, she didn't want to have this conversation with Alison and she definitely doesn't want to have the conversation with her mother, especially because she doesn't know why. In the past, the reason to divorce felt so right, so clear and now, Emily doesn't have the same feeling. Especially when her dear mother sends her guardian angel with food supplies.
"YES! Cheetos!"
"Girls! Put that down! I've to sanitize it first!"
Alison yells, but the girls are already rushing into the living room with the bag of Cheetos. Blue eyes focused on the kids till a voice caught her attention.
"It's okay. I cleaned it all before bringing it"
The blonde nods and decides to trust the words of the stranger who's putting more food bags on the entry of the house. Without the bags on the arms, Alison has a better view of the person who's standing in front of her and she notices that's…
"A cop?"
"Oh, yeah, well I'm Nicole Haught at your service"
Says the red-haired woman who stands in front of the blonde, and it's in that moment when Emily was finally walking downstairs, just in time to see how Pam's guardian angel was catching Alison's attention.
From delivering supplies to repairing the steps of the porch that Emily never did, Officer Haught or like Alison likes to call her, Officer Hot, is a frequent visitor in the house, more like a frequent annoyance for Emily who is getting sick to watch the constant flirting between the cop and her Ex-wife.
Why does she care who Alison flirts with? Why does she look so upset about it? It's because the blonde has been unable to commit to someone since the divorce and the idea that she finally found a decent person to commit to something, it makes Emily sick? Or, it's because deep down, she holds hopes to get back with her Ex.
There are many kinds of love. The love for your family, for your friends, for your community, for yourself. And the kind of love who gives a meaning to your life. The kind of love which takes your breath away. And, Emily would be lying if she says she has felt that kind of love multiple times because the truth is that the only person who has flourished such a feeling in her heart, it's Alison.
It's always been her, she was doomed the moment she met the blonde because she knew no one would compare with her, no one would make her heartbeat rise the way Alison does. And, sadly, that realization comes too late in her life. Right?
"So typical of Emily. Getting jealous when I show interest in someone else!"
Alison huffs during her therapy session, but her therapist is smart enough to recognize the tiny smile of pride the blonde is showing. Deep down, it makes her happy to see the brunette jealous. After all these years, it feels good to feel wanted. But, it's more than that. It's the way Alison looks at Emily when she sleeps, it's the way Alison's heart aches each time the brunette shows any discomfort. It's the way Emily looks at her when the blonde pretends she doesn't notice it.
Between all the bad, there are also creating beautiful memories. And, before they know it, they spend an entire year living under the same roof. Emily is better, she's on her feet again thanks to Alison and there are not enough words of thanks in the world to express her gratitude but, maybe she can give Alison something better than that.
"You're right, Ali. You deserved better than my poor, cowardly texts…"
Who breaks a marriage via email? Just Emily dares to send the papers without talking first? Alison wasn't expecting to have this kind of conversation after a long day with the twins, but she appreciates that the brunette is humble enough to recognize her mistake.
"I wasn't either the perfect partner, Ali. Not for you at least and, I'm also sorry for that. You were right, I forced my ideas of what I thought was the perfect couple on us and it was too much. I was wrong, to try to change you because you're perfect just the way you're…"
"Stop it…"
"No, please, you need to hear this. You're just perfect, the way you're. You deserve to be appreciated and not judged for who you're. And, I was blind to not see you, really see you and let you exist just like you're… I'm sorry. I'm really sorry…"
Being able to live in a world that accepts you just the way you're is hard to conceive. And yet, after Emily's apology, Alison feels it's possible to exist in such a world. Accepting herself, loving herself the way she's, it is a big step forwards for the blonde. Just like the step she's getting ready to take when it's safe to go back out there, to the world.
"Don't leave, mommy!"
The twins pout when Alison gets ready to leave. After a year of being together, it's hard to say goodbye but, Alison wants to think they will see each other soon, when it will be safe for the girls to travel to Oregon with her.
"Do you really have to go, Alison?"
"You're fine, Emily. And, this was temporary, right?"
The brunette nods, it has been a long time since she felt better, but she pretended to relapse several times, to keep Alison in the house. It was wrong of her to pretend to be sick, but she doesn't regret it, after all, neither she nor the twins want the blonde to leave but…
"The University will open again in a few days. I need to be back before classes start"
Life continues, the pause caused by the COVID is finally getting in the past and now, they have to go back to their lives apart, even if they don't want it.
"I can drive you to the airport…"
"It's not necessary, Emily. Nicole will drive me there"
"Right, Nicole…"
The new lady friend of Alison. The brunette doesn't think they're in a relationship yet, but it's clear that's what the dear officer is looking forward to. The way the red-haired woman looks at the blonde, it's not the way you look at a friend.
"Oh, I forgot a book upstairs. I'll be right back…"
The blonde goes upstairs and for a second the twins think about hiding her baggage so she couldn't leave, but Emily stops them before they could do something like that.
"You don't want her to go either! Just admit it!"
An upset Lilly says and Grace hugs her, looking sad. The girls are not wrong, Emily doesn't want her to leave, but, does she have a right to ask her to stay? A long time ago, she let her go, she let her alone, so, how can she even dream of asking Alison to stay? It's too late, right?
"Where did I put it?"
The blonde turns around the bedroom where she has been sleeping for the last couple of months. Looking for her favorite book, she finds something else. Unfolding the piece of paper, she sadly chuckles, looking at the list of questions Emily never dared to answer till now…
"Why did I divorce you? Well, because I'm really stupid…"
Alison spins around the moment she hears the cracking voice of the brunette who's standing under the frame door, with watery eyes.
"Emily…"
The brunette takes the piece of paper from Alison's hands and tries her best to answer each one of the questions between sobs.
"Why didn't I fight for us? For you? Because I'm weak. I'm not the strong killer I made you believe I was…"
She's more fragile than what she ever wanted to admit and she always liked to look tough but the truth is that when things got hard, it was always Alison the one who protected her.
"Why did I ask you to leave? Because I was sure you would leave me, eventually. And, I just thought that if it was on my terms, it would hurt less but I was so wrong. Nothing has hurt me more than losing you"
Alison looks away, she tries to not cry, but then the brunette says something that hits her core…
"Why did I stop loving you? Well, that's easy, I have never stopped loving you…"
"Liar…"
"I'm not lying, Ali. I have been lying to myself all these years, pretending I don't love you. But, that's just the biggest lie of my life…"
"You married twice after us…"
"And, that didn't last. How could those marriages work when my heart wasn't there? You left with my heart Alison and I didn't feel complete again till you came back"
"No, no, no, empty words. I don't want to listen…"
Alison tries to walk away, but she's stopped by Emily, who holds her against the frame door so she can look her in the eyes while she answers her other question which is…
"Why did we end like this? I don't know, I just hope this is not the end but a new beginning…"
Alison gasps, she sees the brunette leans for a kiss, very slowly. The blonde could stop it, she could turn around and walk away, but she doesn't do it. She stays still so those soft lips could finally reach her. A kiss, a simple kiss is all they needed to feel complete again. To wash away all the bitter memories from their break-up. Soft, tender, warm, no one wants to push away, not even, to breathe but…
"Mommy! Nicole is here!"
Reality hits them, it brings Alison back from cloud 9 and it's the blonde who slowly breaks the kiss.
"Ali…"
"No, Em. We cannot repeat our mistakes, loving each other, it's a losing game I don't want to play again…"
Emily gulps hard, she recognizes she's the first one to have doubts about this and yet, she's unable to let Alison go because...
"You're right. We shouldn't repeat our mistakes…"
Alison sadly nods.
"And, I'm not gonna repeat the same mistake of leaving you alone again, Ali…"
"WHAT?!"
The girls and the officer are calling Alison to go downstairs. She has to leave again, and she will but this time, she'll not leave town alone. Because loving is more than a losing game, it's game over when it's with the right person.
"Well, well, well. What a nerve you've to ask for a job here, Emily…"
"Nice to see you too, Mona…"
The tiny brunette gives the chills to the tall mermaid, but Emily doesn't take it wrong, it makes her happy to see that someone is there, caring for Alison, who's inside the house, unpacking more boxes with the girls in their new home in Oregon.
Moving out of Rosewood looked impossible for Emily a few years ago. Now, she understands the blonde needed a clean slate, a new place to build a brighter future. And, it will not be easy, they still have a long way to heal and leave the past behind, but their therapist is optimistic they can go through it. And, she wasn't wrong because the next Xmas, when Pam visits, the couple have a big news to share.
"We're getting married, again!"
"Finally!"
Pam says and Emily rolls her eyes to the constant reminder of her mother, telling her what took her so long to propose. And, marriage doesn't come easier just because they are older. They still have their tempers, their issues, their fights, but they also know they're end game. They are the one thing which makes them feel complete, safe in sickness and health… mostly in sickness…
"Mommy is looking ew…"
Emily chuckles, looking at the face the twins do to describe Alison's face after she got the flu. It's not pretty for them, but for the brunette mother, the blonde has never looked prettier. After all, she loves to take care of a sick Alison.
"I don't want to see anyone, I look awful… leave me alone..."
Alison pouts, trying to cover her face with the sheets, but Emily doesn't leave her side no matter how much the blonde pushes her away. It's nice to have someone there to take care of you when you're not in your best. The blonde had forgotten what it felt for a long time, but now that Emily is back in her life, she will never forget.
Flu, broken arms, COVID, they handle it all together. Never alone, never again because it's a losing game to fight against their love. A love which gets bigger when they add a new member into the family.
"Wayne…"
The little boy giggles when he hears his name for the first time. And Alison chuckles, holding him in her arms while the brunette looks up, to thank the Universe for having this kind of game over. The kind of game you would play over and over if it's for an ending like this.
THE END