The Spy Who Kinda Liked Me

By Fool's Gold

Chap. 4: School Ties Are Forever

Disclaimer: I don't own any external elements used in this fanfic, be they from FMP, James Bond or otherwise. This fic is a parody, and is not meant to detract from the commercial value of anything referenced herein.

Also, this chapter contains one scene of implicit reference to… well, unsavoury habits of certain characters. If you're too young to understand just what exactly James Bond does in his free time, well, this chapter might not be for you.

Streets of Tokyo, 9 Oct, 0945h

"So, I see you opted for the white model," Kaname noted as they pulled out of the driveway, into the gridlock that was Tokyo traffic. "I didn't expect you to have any taste in cars, but it looks pretty good."

"Thank you."

"You're wel– Hey!" The voice's mechanical tone was all too similar, but something just didn't sound right. "Was that you, or did the car just talk?"

Sousuke swallowed hard, trying to cook up an appropriate excuse, but nothing good came to mind. Fortunately for him, the car didn't try to speak for itself. "It's... the latest in Australian technology."

"Oh, right. Must be one of those newfangled user-friendly devices." She hardly sounded convinced, but any further probing into the matter was quickly erased by the sudden appearance of a familiar face (and a great suspension of disbelief on the part of the reader). "Hey... isn't that Kyouko?"

Despite Sousuke's apparent lack of interest in his classmates back when he was still in Jindai High, he never forgot a face – after all, such information would probably prove useful in the future. "Yes, it is," he replied... and kept on driving.

"Pull over, idiot! I'll bet she's been dying to know where you went, even if the feeling isn't mutual." She wound the window down, yelling out, "Mornin', Kyouko! Wait up!"

The bespectacled girl had exchanged her pigtails for a more mature-looking perm, but her demeanour hadn't changed one bit. "Hey, Kana-chan... and is that Sousuke I see with you? Long time no see!"

Sousuke looked out and nodded in a terse greeting. Deciding that stopping posed no threat to the success of his mission, and that he needed to thrash some issues out with his new car, he pulled over at the nearest parking lot.

Au Lait Café, 9 Oct, 1000h

"…so that's the story. Hey, isn't he coming over?"

"You know how he is," Kaname said with mild disdain. "Says he needs to check the parts from that new car he just rented."

"Hmmm..." Kyouko scratched her chin conspiratorially, and suddenly dragged her classmate aside on an impulse. "So, does this mean you two are together again?"

"Whaa?" In one instant, Kaname managed to turn three different shades of red. "Now, don't go jumping to conclusions..."

"Well, if he's your bodyguard like you claim, you two are probably spending quality time together, aren't you?" Kyouko was absolutely relishing the opportunity to needle her old friend, and wasted no time in sticking another jab in.

"Look, there is absolutely nothing going on between us," Kaname blurted out, wondering what Kyouko would have said if she knew that Sousuke had practically taken up residence in her living room. "Besides, we were never together in the first place."

"Yeah, right. Like I'd forget the way you two kept behaving around each other... I swear, you were always following him around, and you couldn't get your hands off him."

"You know, Kyouko, your journalistic work is definitely corrupting your mind. To refresh your memory, he was the one following me around, not vice versa, and I was beating the living crap out of him. So stop insinuating things already! I swear, if you weren't my best friend, I'd piledrive you into the sidewalk here and now."

"Search your feelings, you know it to be true," she quipped. "Anyway, did you get your invitations to the school reunion?"

"No..."

"That's odd. I got mine this morning. Unless it got delayed..."

"I think I have a more likely reason..." Kaname glanced over at the car, beginning to get a little worried.

Tokyo Parking Lot, 9 Oct, 1002h

"Disable the audio effects."

"It is not possible to disable the voice simulation of the Lambda Driver without removing all additional functions installed into this vehicle. Would you like to choose another option?"

"Yes. Disable the Lambda Driver."

"That is not a valid command. Would you like to choose another option?"

"Conceal all Lambda Driver functions on a permanent basis."

"Selecting this option means that weapons systems will also not be activated under any circumstances."

"Why not?"

"Activation of weapons systems would expose the nature of this vehicle to all in the vicinity."

Sousuke frowned with displeasure. He couldn't believe that he was negotiating with a machine... and more annoyingly, that the machine was winning. "Activate help file."

The screen flickered, bringing up a digital menu with the whole array of topics listed. Sousuke scanned it for anything that sounded remotely like, "Disabling Lambda Driver", but couldn't find anything of the sort. What he did find, at the end, was a topic titled, "User Notes: An Addendum".

He opened the topic.

Sousuke... I mean, Sergeant Sagara, bear in mind that the Lambda Driver's artificial intelligence was designed to be as similar to a human's behaviour as possible. If you should have any trouble operating the system... try speaking to it as though you were speaking to anyone else. It has proven effective in trial runs.

It's been so hard to say this, but I just wanted you to know that asdfohaeuwirushbfkjdsbfkal

The rest of the file was, oddly enough, corrupted, but it provided enough information for him to attempt a new tactic. "Is this true?"

"Yes. I was designed to simulate human behaviour, but correlation is still not one-hundred percent."

Sousuke was still having difficulty adjusting to artificial intelligence that was… well, he didn't know how to describe it, but it seemed just too intelligent. And now, he was being asked to regard it as almost human – he had enough trouble regarding humans as humans, let alone a mysterious talking car. The whole business was unnatural…

…but I have nothing to lose, he realised, and abandoned logic for a brief moment.

"It doesn't matter. Let's make a deal. You are not to reveal any information regarding the nature of your capabilities to any other persons, unless I instruct you to do so. If you fulfil this objective, as far as it is within my abilities, I will complete this mission without any major structural or functional damage to this vehicle. If you do not, I will personally disassemble this vehicle for the purposes of sweeping for bugs. Do we have an understanding?"

"Yes." For all its purported representation of human behaviour, the Lambda Driver processed that information without any hesitation.

Au Lait Café, 9 Oct, 1005h

"Hey, it looks like Sousuke's decided to join us. So, Sousuke... what's been happening?"

"The situation has been acceptable," was his concession to politeness.

"Sousuke!" Kaname was almost beside herself with irritation. "Did you, or did you not, go through my mail this morning?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Why in the blue hell are you going through my letters, anyway?" she asked, realising with resignation that this conversation was going down the same path.

The answer came out almost as a lecture on the dangers of the modern postal service. "It is necessary to ensure your safety. Terrorists have been known to enclose explosive or biological weapons within envelopes..."

"Why do I even bother?" she moaned. "Anyway, did I receive any letters regarding a reunion, or did you destroy those too?"

Sousuke remembered going through Kaname's mail, but the invitations stood out for a different reason. "Yes, you received an invitation from the school council president." He reached into his pocket and took it out. "I do not see the point of a reunion, but I shall attend anyway."

For that matter, the one thing that had kept the invitation off the "Suspicious" list – which included nearly everything – was that he had personally sent Hayashimizu a message after Kaname had brought out the destroyed surveillance camera. The well-connected man had replied swiftly:

Will look into this. If possible, bring a sample to the school reunion.

P.S. Do not destroy the invitations. They are required for entry.

"I'll explain one of these days," Kaname replied, too relieved to chew Sousuke out at that point. "So it looks like I'll be going to the ball after all, eh, Kyouko?"

"Yep, it looks like it. Don't forget to bring Sousuke along, okay? I mean, if he's going through your mail already..."

"Oh, shut up, Kyouko."

Kaname's Flat, 9 Oct, 1912h

Evening fell, and with it came planning, plotting and mischief – or at least the first two, because both Kaname and Sousuke were dead serious about it.

"You know, Sousuke, you need an invitation to join the reunion party..."

"I have spoken to the ex-council president about the matter. An invitation should be delivered shortly."

"So... Wait a minute. If he knows how to mail it here..." Kaname was alarmed. If gossip got around, she'd never hear the end of it. But then again, Hayashimizu knew everything and told nothing, so there was hardly any risk. "Oh, never mind. What are you going to do now?"

A plan of action was forming in Sousuke's head already, and it involved his new acquisition. "I will be working on the rented car. It has some maintenance issues that need to be fixed."

"Well, that's what you get for renting from some disreputable foreigners," she sniffed. "I'm going to take a bath."

Another Tokyo Parking Lot, 9 Oct, 1920h

Over on the ground floor, Sousuke had decided to put the capabilities of the ARX-7 to the test. "According to W Department, the Lambda Driver collects information from the surroundings. Verify."

"The report is correct."

"Is this system able to scan the surroundings for any signs of abnormal activity?"

"Affirmative. Would you like to perform a search now? Please specify search options."

According to Kaname, she had discovered the first camera about two hundred metres away from her flat, so... "Scan the surroundings in a three-hundred metre radius for any abnormal electronic activity."

"Acknowledged." The electronic voice fell silent for a moment, replaced by the whisper-like whirring of the processor. "Search complete."

That had been much, much faster than Sousuke expected, and he was grateful for the strange things that Captain Testarossa and company came up with. "List the items."

Scan shows two suspicious foci of activity located approximately two hundred and fifty metres from current location. Electronic signatures not found in database. The dataflow pattern appears to be that of surveillance cameras."

"Trace the signal."

There was another brief pause. "Operation could not be completed. Signal passes through multiple security filters. A copy of the waveform has been archived."

Merida Island, 9 Oct, Goodness knows what time it is

Back on Merida Island, K mused silently over the sudden burst of activity that the ARX-7 exhibited. Their delivery of the prototype had served two functions. One, the model had never been field-tested before, and this was their first opportunity to see just how well it worked. Two, it helped to monitor Uruz 007's activities. The agent's communicator use was sparse, and with the Lambda Driver relaying all records of activity, Headquarters was at least able to monitor Sousuke's behaviour, if only in a crude fashion.

Besides, if things got really bad, the button for M's "vetoed" self-destruct system lay, sealed, on the instrument panel on K's desk.

"This signal…"

"Hmm?" K pushed his glasses up onto the bridge of his nose, glancing over.

"We're getting an encrypted signal from the ARX-7, but it's not in any of our standard coding algorithms."

"That's odd…"

K had already foreseen the implications of his statement. "No, it's unlikely that he's fraternising with the enemy. The signal was – according to the ARX-7's data – intercepted from a surveillance camera."

"That's interesting." The suspicious frown never left M's face for even a second. "We'll have Tessa work on decoding the pattern. After all, she's pretty good with machines."

This was an understatement, by all accounts.

Another Tokyo Parking Lot, 9 Oct, 1923h

Plan A had failed – if he couldn't intercept the feed, then the next best chance Sousuke had to uncover the identity of the mysterious observer was to acquire the cameras themselves. He knew he had to be careful now: if he simply approached the cameras crudely, it was likely that they would implode before he could retrieve them. "The targets are programmed to self-destruct if tampered with. Can you disable them?"

"Roger."

The headlights flickered, and with a sinister crackle, the entire street was plunged into dark silence.

(Most importantly, it severely frustrated the hundreds of viewers who were dying to find out if their soap-opera hunk survived the hit-and-run incident, and cut off the Internet access for all the online gamers in the vicinity. This subsequently resulted in severe psychological distress for most parties involved.

On the bright side, though, it also took out the hearing aids of the two nosy old women who lived next door, relieving Kaname of at least one worry, although she didn't know it.)

It wasn't long before Kaname stormed downstairs, clad in her bathrobe and still dripping wet, half-expecting to see Sousuke tinkering with the central fuse box.

What she hadn't expected, definitely, was Sousuke sitting in the driver's seat, tapping his fingers to the beat of a particularly catchy, if inane, J-pop tune, and not behaving suspiciously at all – an act that was suspicious in itself. Lost for words, the only thing she could think of to say was, "…SMAP?"

"It wasn't me."

Something was fishy. But had Sousuke been behind the disruption, she knew, he would have given himself away almost immediately; lying had never been his forte. And there was absolutely no evidence to show that he had been responsible for the sudden disruption of services… except that the car almost seemed to be grinning at her, although she chalked that, and her suspicions, up to the undercooked teriyaki.

She cocked an eyebrow warily, and for a moment, almost thought she saw one of the windscreen wipers twitch back at her. "Oh, forget it. It's probably just a regular power outage," she murmured, stalking back up.

Sousuke waited until she was well out of earshot before asking, "What was that?"

"Electronic countermeasures were included with the ECS system as part of the Deluxe package, along with the synthetic leather upholstery and complimentary insurance."

"I see. And the pop music?"

"That was part of the analytic process. Primary goal: to avoid suspicion. According to the database, this was the most natural action to be performing in a stationary car."

It was a source of embarrassment to Sousuke that such an option had not occurred to him in the first place. "Well done."

"Thank you. What about the cameras?"

"We shall retrieve them." After that shaky start, things were finally beginning to get moving.

Den of Evil, 10 Oct, Morning

"Long John" Silver was, to put it mildly, royally pissed. It was bad enough that certain circumstances had forced him to call the emergency conference in the first place, but then his subordinates had to actually arrive.

For starters, Yu Fang and Yu Lan had been the first to enter the briefing room, both sporting matching sets of tousled hair, rumpled clothes, and contented smiles… or what passed for smiles, in their case. Silver twitched. For years, he'd been a devoted supporter of "lesbian twincest FTW", until he'd actually tried to hit on one of them – not that he could remember which one exactly, or even both at the same time – and wound up with a thousand very sharp objects being pointed in his general direction. Apparently, he'd forgotten that, whatever went into said lesbian twincest, it didn't include him.

Then Kalium had entered, his perverted grin looking significantly more satisfied than normal, and it was all Silver could do not to retch. Even though he'd tried to overlook the peccadilloes of certain members for the sake of acquiring their talents, Kalium's predilection for "getting off" to nature videos was pushing the limits, and there was no question to what the horndog had been doing. I did not need that mental image, Silver noted, and resolved to let Kurama handle the next AGM.

But then Mr. Iron had walked in looking like the cat that ate the canary – not that he needed innuendo at this stage – and that was the straw that made the camel go Brokeback. "Et tu, Brute?"

"No, it just feels good to see you get so frustrated."

"Fair enough. Alright, let's get started." He raised his voice, speaking to all those present in the room in slick, measured tones, although his mood was anything but good. "The reason I've called this emergency meeting is because... well, things have hit a snag. Kurama, the slide."

The first slide was one of Sagara Sousuke. "This man, Sagara Sousuke, is from the UN's espionage branch – which we know better as Mithril. According to our inside man, he is a Double-Oh agent, and is presently the biggest threat to Operation Great Beast. As of tonight, he has accounted for the destruction of three of our surveillance cameras, specifically those monitoring subject Job."

Silver's asssistant tapped the mouse again, and the next slide was one of Chidori Kaname. "As you know, obtaining Job's capabilities is essential for completing the last part of Operation Great Beast. Following our unsuccessful attempts in keeping Double-Oh-Seven away from Job, it has been calculated that the option with the greatest chance of success will be to sway both of them to our cause. The other option of killing Sagara Sousuke, while tempting, will cause Job to be unfavourably disposed towards us."

A disappointed look fell over everyone else in the room. "And I was so hoping to get to kill them," Kalium whined.

Silver directed his gaze at his henchman. "I hope that will not be necessary. Tonight, we will send a delegation to... well, persuade them to join us."

"So... we'll make them an offer they can't refuse," was Iron's mocking reply.

"I'm Italian-American, not Sicilian, but I'll let that slide," Silver said, trying to ignore the slur. "Anyway, Iron, you will be the one responsible for this mission, as you seem to be very well-acquainted with the man. Take the twins with you: they might prove useful."

Iron's face screwed up into a cruel smile. "Certainly. Are you sure you don't want him dead?"

"I'm sure of that. Dismissed!"

After all the others had cleared the room, it fell to Kurama to ask the inevitable question. "Mr. Silver... if you send Iron, isn't he going to just kill the agent anyway?"

"That's the problem I have with you people. If I send any of them, chances are that it'll devolve into a massacre. The main difference is that Iron might actually let the girl survive."

"Then why don't you go down yourself, sir?"

"What, and ruin my lovely hair?"

Kaname's Flat, 10 Oct, 2140h

The cameras stared at Kaname with their single glassy eyes, seeming to mock her helplessness, even though she knew that they had already been rendered inert. She didn't want to know what Sousuke had done – although she certainly had her suspicions about the recent blackout – but they certainly hadn't imploded on her just yet.

Their sheer existence, though, was yet another item on her list of frustrations. And as much as she hated it, next on that list was the annoying way in which her mind sporadically tried to convert the entire world into cold facts and raw data. Even now, she stared back detachedly at the strange devices, recognising vaguely that, literary license aside, the inanimate objects could hardly be in possession of human feelings. And even though she also knew that the pervert on the other end did, and that she intended to introduce him to a world of pain as soon as possible, it disgusted her that the larger part of her brain seemed to be preoccupied with exposing the inner mechanisms of the cameras.

She didn't know when exactly it had started, but placed the approximate date of incidence somewhere around the end of High School. Perhaps that was why she'd ended up skyrocketing through the UN University's Physics department in the first place, although she'd never given too much thought about it – when her mind chose to, it simply dismissed everything the professors had thrown at her as being too easy. It had flared up before, but never as frequently as it had since finding those strange cameras. It was as though they triggered something off within her…

At least, she knew, she was still capable of frustration. Previous attempts to open the sleek metal casings with a claw hammer and hacksaw had proven futile, and when Sousuke had suggested using dental floss, she had stared at him as though the loss of his sanity had been empirically confirmed. Now, temporarily defeated, she found herself reduced to prodding the cameras distractedly, while the number one entry on her list went around stringing up booby traps around the apartment as though it was Christmas.

"You know, Sousuke, for every trap you set, God kills a catgirl."

Naturally, this announcement failed to faze the bodyguard, who was mounting his own security cameras on the ceiling. "This is a war. Sacrifices must be made."

"Oh, for crying out loud…" She threw her hands up in irritation. "It's just a stalker. And as much as I'd like to take these cameras and shove them up the pervert's behind, wouldn't it be better to just monitor those spots and see if he comes back?"

"That's what I'm doing."

"Yes, but the Phalanx paint-chainguns and tripwire-activated mines are a bit much," she complained, staring at the paraphernalia that decked her halls. "Where'd you get all this stuff from, anyhow?"

Weber and Mao's Used Car Dealership, 9 Oct, 1500h

"You got him what?" Mao shouted, and began to curse in oaths that would make a sailor plug his ears.

"Look, I owe him one," Kurz said, trying valiantly to placate his fellow agent. "He saved my life back when we were in Iran."

"What, he took a bullet for you?"

"No, but I had a really bad case of the runs, and it just happened he was the only one who knew what the Farsi for "Toilet" was..."

Kaname's Flat, 10 Oct, 2141h

On her part, Kaname decided that the charade had gone on for long enough. "Sousuke… I'm flattered that you'd take such an interest in my welfare. I really am. But I'm capable of taking care of myself, and I… well, I guess I need my own space. That's why I moved out in the first place."

"If you do not take this seriously–"

"I am taking this seriously, damn you!" She had tried reason, and it had failed, leaving her with the unenviable recourse of having to beat it into his thick skull. Close to tears, she yelled out, "Do you think I like being spied on from all angles like some centrefold? Huh? Do you have any idea what things have been like all this while?"

Sousuke was stunned by the suddenness of her outburst. Ever since he'd met her at the university, he had sensed the feeling of animosity and frustration emanating from her, but this was the first time that she'd actually said anything to that effect.

In his surprise, there was only one thing which he could do: tell the truth. "No, I do not. But it is my mission to protect you. And if something should happen... I would be responsible."

It was a blunt answer, but an honest one nonetheless, and Kaname was feeling quite ashamed for having let her steam off on a well-meaning – if overenthusiastic – helper. "Look, I'm sorry. But it's been pretty strange, what with this stalking incident, and then you suddenly turned up. And then there were those weird cameras..." She looked as though she was about to go on, but suddenly checked herself and changed the subject. "Nah, it's nothing. So, about your mission... It involves going wherever I go, doesn't it?"

"Yes, it does."

The technical chatter began to bleed away from her mind, making her feel much, much better. "Well, with the school reunion and the UN Day celebrations coming up, I think we'll be attending some formal events. And if I know you, you probably have absolutely no idea what to do at a dinner party."

Sousuke admitted that that, at least, was true.

"So let's make a deal. You teach me how to defend myself, in case that stalker does turn up, and I teach you the art of not looking like a complete fool at parties. How does that sound?"

The suggestion had its benefits: his original objective was to deal with any A21 elements who would attempt to disrupt the UN Day celebrations, and he didn't doubt for a moment the possibility of violence. If Chidori could fend for herself to some extent, it would make his work slightly easier.

"Okay."

Kaname's Flat, 11 Oct, 0937h

Never one to shirk, Sousuke made his first pronouncement the very next morning. "You must learn some basic defensive techniques."

It was something that Kaname had expected, and actually had some experience in. "Well, I passed my Advanced Women's Self-Defence course in the university last month..."

"That is not enough. What if your stalker turns out to be a trained fighter?"

"Now, isn't that just a little exaggerated? Besides, we all know the typical profile of these stalkers: he's probably some acne-infested scrawny punk who's never stepped outside of his house in his life, let alone taken a course in karate."

Den of Evil, 11 Oct, Morning

Silver sneezed. "I resent that," he muttered, looking skyward.

Kaname's Flat, 11 Oct, 1100h

"Now, I want you to attack me with all your might."

Kaname balked. "You're kidding. I don't exactly like you all that much, but it's not like I want to slug the living daylights out of you – well, not now, anyway."

"Do it," he commanded.

With reluctance, she mumbled, "Well, here goes," and swung her palm out hesitantly to slap Sousuke in the face.

One brief blur of motion later, Kaname found herself with one hand wrenched behind her back in a half-nelson. "Hey, you're hurting me, you know?" she said, feeling her muscles begin to strain.

"That was weak," Sousuke stated matter-of-factly. "You would never survive at that rate."

"Let go of me, will ya?" Her shoulder was beginning to get rather sore, and the joke, if there was one, was losing its humour rapidly.

He wasn't listening. "A proper attack should be much faster. Also, you should not attempt to attack a stronger opponent head-on – you should try to aim for places where the other party is unguarded..."

That did it. "Like this!" she roared, mule-kicking him squarely in the groin. Sousuke, for all his endurance and regimental self-control, could not withstand the starburst of pain that exploded in his crotch, and released his grip in agony.

Big mistake.

Several hard rights, a missile dropkick and multiple German suplexes later, a thoroughly battered Sousuke lay on the floor, barely conscious enough to be heard remarking, "That might also work..."

Streets of Tokyo, 13 Oct, 1446h

"Okay, Sousuke, let's go over this again."

Kaname and Sousuke were standing on the crowded sidewalk, commencing Sousuke's first lesson in etiquette. "Let's say you were looking for somebody on the other side of the room – or in this case, at the next traffic light. The room is crowded with people, like here. Now, I want you to make your way to the target destination – politely."

"Affirmative."

Without warning, Sousuke pulled a pistol from his pocket – another one of Kurz's gifts – and shot into the air, yelling, "Get down!" The majority complied, afraid for their lives, and those who did not ran screaming for help – which was the same end result as far as he was concerned.

Sousuke's tread through the prone pedestrians was halted prematurely by Kaname's fist in his face.

"Did I forget to say 'Excuse me'?"

Kaname's Flat, 16 Oct, 1803h

"This is how you use a knife."

Kaname stared, in horror, at the pig's carcass that dangled from a hook that Sousuke had mounted in her kitchen. Newspapers lined the floor, a half-hearted attempt at controlling the blood spatter that currently decorated her walls.

"To eliminate an attacker, your main aim is to stop him from moving as quickly as possible. In order to do that, the quickest way is to attack his spine, like so."

The chopper in Sousuke's hand smashed into the front of the pig's neck with a sickening crunch, and stayed embedded in the folds of flesh.

"By doing this, you can paralyse your attacker completely before he dies. Even if you do not succeed in severing his spinal cord, cutting the carotid arteries in his neck will cause him to bleed to death quickly, but remember that a dying man can still attack you if his limbs are still functioning. If you are unable to strike his neck for any reason, remember that slitting the large arteries in the armpit and groin can also kill, although not as quickly…"

He looked towards Kaname, who was already retching in the sink, and decided to stop there for the day.

Kaname's Flat, 17 Oct, 1940h

"This is how you use a knife."

Sousuke looked down at the plethora of eating utensils before him, thoroughly bewildered. "There is no point in using so many implements. They are unnecessary."

Kaname sighed, sympathising with him for once. It was pointless, when one gave the matter a little thought. "I know, I know, but that's how they do things in high society. Now, show me which implement you would use to eat, say…" She reached over to the mountain of pork chops that had been stacked high onto the table, and hauled one onto his plate unceremoniously. "You may proceed."

The agent simply picked the knife up, stabbed it into the hunk of meat, and bit off a chunk with the elegance of a twenty-car pileup.

"Well, at least it's the right utensil..."

Kaname's Flat, 20 Oct, 1720h

"So, that is a night gown..."

"No, Sousuke, it's an evening gown. There's a subtle difference, in case you haven't realised." Kaname was busy checking herself in the mirror as she affixed her earrings. "By the way, how're you coping with the tuxedo?"

"I am done."

"Oh?" That surprised her – she'd half-expected him to have eschewed it for military fatigues, for all the practical use formal wear had. Curious, she turned around to have a good look at what new horrors Sousuke could have unleashed... and gaped.

Sousuke's disciplined bearing, which had seemed completely out of place when paired with a casual T-shirt and shorts, carried off the suit's lines to good effect. With his rugged face and toned figure, there was a martial air about him – which, in Kaname's opinion, made him look rather dashing, although she would have died before she admitted it. The tuxedo itself was immaculately neat, although it seemed a little over-starched, and everything, from the sleeve buttons to the tie-clip and collar pin, were in perfect place.

"Armies around the world have ceremonial uniforms," he explained. "While this is... slightly different, I believe they serve the same purpose, and so I prepared accordingly."

I'll say, she mused, almost drooling over the fine figure he cut – until she realised just who it was she was looking at. Embarrassed, she forced herself to stop blushing and find her tongue. "Well, I guess we're ready, then. Shall we go?"

"Roger."

Author's notes: Sorry for the delays. This chapter was so long, the original intended ending turned out to be the larger part of Chapter 5 – which, hopefully, should be done soon.

Well, according to the latest novel summaries, it turns out that Leonard is hardly the hormonal pervert that he's made out to be in this fic, so I apologise to all the Leonard fans and canon purists out there who disagree with the portrayal given here. The rest of the as-yet-unnamed organisation, however, is clearly on the wrong side of decency, which leaves you wondering just how Leonard puts up with everyone else.

Let's face it: Sousuke is the epitome of "a fish out of water", and while the theme may be done to death in nearly every fandom, I think it's relevant in his situation. After all, M's nightmare from the first chapter is hardly without basis. So tune in next chapter, when we discover just exactly how successful Kaname's training was… but I think we already know the answer to that, don't we?

As always, thanks go to Weltall Elite for proofreading. Any errors retained are largely my fault due to post-proofing changes.