The Spy Who Kinda Liked Me
By Fool's Gold
Random Cuts
Writer's notes: Unfortunately, as you might have surmised by now, "The Spy Who Kinda Liked Me" has died a premature death due to the schemes of the nefarious villains, Real Life and Loss of Interest. So this is a taste of what might have been – short snippets of scenes that would have made it into a fully-complete version of the fic, hopefully in chronological order. (And aren't you glad they didn't?) Apologies to all, and to all a good night.
Disclaimer: I don't own FMP, the James Bond franchise, or anything else that's being parodied here. Some references may not be suitable for young children.
Uchiha Sousuke
Issei shrugged himself loose from Kaname's grip and stepped up to his nemesis. "So, Sagara Sousuke, there's no running away now. Fight me like a man!"
"Roger," Sousuke replied curtly, and without even attempting to free himself, knifed his fingertips in a jab at Issei's midsection. An experienced pugilist, Issei saw the blow coming a mile away and brought his fist up, confident that he could catch such a weak, unprofessional attack.
What he hadn't counted on, though, was the taser that had been built into Sousuke's communicator.
The short electrode shot out, and the air filled with the acrid odour of ozone as it connected with bare flesh, the surge of electricity sounding like the flutter of a thousand birds. As talented a fighter as Issei was, not even he could withstand the shock that shot up his arm to his brain like a flash fire, every well-developed muscle fibre of his twitching violently; naturally, he crumpled to the ground in an undignified heap, courtesy of a twenty-thousand volt discharge.
The toothpick fell from Mizuki's gaping mouth. Kyouko, vigilant as always, brought up her digital camera to get a few priceless shots of the moment. And if one looked closely, Kaname could be seen shrinking away into the crowd, hiding her face in abject embarrassment.
Even in the throes of his disorientation, Issei still managed to force out a hazy, "Sagara Sousuke… you cheat… I demand…" The rest was lost as he slumped down, mercifully, into unconsciousness.
"Wow, that's an interesting innovation. I think I've seen this somewhere before…"
"Shut up, Kyouko. Just. Shut. Up," Chidori growled.
Gratuitous Action!
As predicted, A21 was crashing the UN Day celebrations in full force, and they'd spared no expense in livening the party up.
Sousuke sidestepped a terrorist's burst of fire and knocked the submachine gun out of his hands in a fluid strike. It soared skywards, spinning wildly in an uncontrollable arc – only for Sousuke to leap up, using said terrorist's face as a springboard as he leapt up to seize it in mid-flight. Then, as though time had slowed down just for that one moment in an overdone cliché, he pivoted at the apex of his jump, sniping another four terrorists in the head with single shots from his newly-acquired weapon, before unleashing a fully-automatic blast at the armoured truck that the terrorists were trying to drive through the building.
Naturally, and defying all laws of probability and physics, it blew up.
And with that distraction out of the way, Sousuke immediately returned to his original mission – to protect Kaname. Unfortunately, he hadn't been doing too good a job – Kaname was being throttled from behind by one of the terrorists, and didn't look too happy about it.
In fact, she was royally pissed.
"I'm tired of – urk! – you guys!" she gasped. "You – urk! – ruin my house…"
The other terrorists could only watch helplessly as their leader received a painful elbow to the solar plexus and keeled over in pain, slackening his grip.
"…You ruin my job…"
They winced as Kaname kneed him in the face, snapping his torso backwards violently.
"…You ruin this party…"
A collective shudder ran through the crowd as she gripped the offending party by the neck, hoisted him into the air in a superhuman burst of rage, and slammed him through the buffet table. And if that wasn't enough, she began stamping on his crotch with her high-heeled shoes, spitting and snarling in unrestrained rage, "What in the world did I do to you guys? You want a piece of me, is that it? Huh?"
By this point, the collective crowd of terrorists was having second thoughts about wanting a piece of anything.
At excruciating length, Kaname finally reduced the terrorist leader to a bloody, groaning pulp on the floor, and looked up in fury. "Alright, damn it! You want a piece of me, come and get it!"
The hall was empty, save for Sousuke, who was hardly surprised.
Gratuitous… Action?
"Who are these women, Sagara Sousuke, and what were they doing in my bed?" Kaname yelled out as they ran down the hall, pursued by a pair of naked twin sisters with a mysteriously-unlimited supply of swords.
He definitely recognised the pair. "They are the twins that I met in Akihabara," he replied, adding unnecessarily, "and they are either commercial sex workers or assassins."
"So they're pros." Kaname's voice could have liquefied oxygen.
"Correct. And what they were doing was…"
"…Too much information. What about the scarred guy who wanted to drag you out of the house and, I quote, 'sodomise your lifeless corpse'?"
"He works with them."
Kaname blanched. "You keep some very interesting company, Sousuke.
The Best Laid Plans…
Silver was furious.
The gods mocked him. How else could that ignorant foot soldier manage to defeat three of their best assassins, if not for divine intervention and plot armour? Mithril's Sagara Sousuke would continue to be a thorn in their side, as long as he remained "Job's" protector.
He wasn't a cruel man. Against his better judgement, he'd already made attempts at negotiating – all of which had failed miserably. And with the recent loss of the twins, the concept of diplomacy as a method of minimising casualties was beginning to break down. (Gauron didn't matter: no matter how horribly you killed him, he'd be back, even if he'd just been shot to pieces by the ARX-7 and rammed off the top of an apartment block.)
But on the other hand, such martial prowess could not be wasted – anyone who could possibly best Amalgam's killers in combat was considered worthy enough for recruitment. Besides, eliminating Sousuke would only turn Job against them, thereby ruining any chance of getting into her pants – correction, he thought, enlisting her talents for the sake of Operation Great Beast.
In his mind, he began to formulate another backup plan:
The honey pot scheme failed, not once, but twice.
Said target was barely affected by the presence of two naked, nubile girls offering the prospects of a ménage à trois
Ergo, he must be attracted to men.
If we are to recruit him to our cause, therefore, we must find another way to seduce him into joining.
This scheme requires the use of an attractive male, a bishonen, in order to succeed.
And the fairest of them all in our organisation… is me.
It was decided. Sousuke had to die.
Initial S
The ARX-7 sped down the treacherous slopes of Mount Akina in hot pursuit of Silver's getaway car, with the hordes of Amalgam's forces hounding closely behind. But though the posse of chasing cars stuck closely to Sousuke's heels, they were nowhere near cutting the Mithril-Six agent off. And inexplicably enough, Silver stubbornly refused to give the order to surround them.
Kalium, the leader of the execution squad, chafed at their apparent impotence. He was not a subtle man, preferring to do things crudely and without hesitation. Taking matters into his own hands, he yelled out over the intercom, "Silver! I'll cut into their path and slow them down!"
"Negative!" Silver ordered. "If you overtake him, you'll definitely fail! Stay back–"
But it was too late. The leader of the execution squad was already accelerating, pulling up ever so gradually to the front of the white car.
You idiot, thought Silver. Can't you tell by the way he handles that vehicle? The way he controls his drifting down to the finest detail, the way he rounds those dangerous curves without a moment's hesitation…
The sound of a sudden burst of gunfire, followed by death screams and a massive explosion, only confirmed Gates' defeat.
…Oh, right. And the Vulcans mounted in the bumpers…
Bragging Rights
"Put me through to Mithril-Six, and tell them that Amalgam wishes to make some demands." There was a pause on the other end of the line. "Oh, ignore what they say about 'technically does not exist'. From one non-existent organisation to another, it really doesn't matter."
The cold, forbidding face of M appeared on Silver's display screen. "It's been a while, Mr. Silver… or should I say, Leonard Testarossa?"
"The one and only. How's my sister doing?"
"You don't have any right to talk, Leonard!" Tessa shouted, barging into M's screen space. "We know you were the ones backing A21's attack on the UN University! Who else could have supplied them with such high-tech equipment? And you still have the cheek to show your face now?"
"Temper, temper," he shot back, giving his sister his trademark smirk. "You see… I have something you want." The camera panned to a royally cheesed-off Kaname, who was hardly happy about having the UN Day celebrations ruined by a terrorist assault and her kidnapping. "As you can see, it seems that your agent has… failed in his mission to protect the girl you were planning to recruit."
"You…" Tessa gritted her teeth, trying to hold back more than a few choice swear words. But she held back, retorting, "You're not the only one who has the trump cards. You see… we've caught your mole." The Mithril screen focused on the back of the room, where a gagged, bound and obviously-frightened Vincent Blueno was trying his best not to wet his pants as K threatened him with an instrument of cruel and unusual punishment: homemade borsch.
When the screen returned to its correct focus, it now returned to M, who had regained the reins with some difficulty. "We're fully aware of Operation Great Beast, Leonard. Amalgam will never win the arms race with tactics like these."
"Oh, really?" he replied, trying his best to sound surprised. "And what of your own Project W? Recruiting the Whispered to produce more Black Technology for your side… It all boils down to the saying: whoever dies with the most toys wins."
"Don't bandy words with me, Leonard," M threatened, his steely glare sharp enough to cut men down with a single glance. "For one who's a Whispered himself, you certainly don't show any hesitation in treating your fellow geniuses like commodities. But since you want to work that way… Why would you call, if not for to gain something out of it?"
"I'm hurt that you think of me that way, M. And actually, now that you mention it… No. No prisoner swaps, no ransom, no deals."
The artery on M's temple was throbbing like it would burst. "Then why did you contact us in the first place?"
"Oh, I just wanted to gloat," Leonard replied coolly, and turned the monitor off before M could get another word in.
…Ouch.
"You're one of us, Chidori Kaname," Leonard purred, leaning in for the kill. "We've been gifted with an incredible talent. We hold the keys to the technological kingdom, the sort of information that arms manufacturers around the world would kill to obtain. With this birthright, the world could be ours… So why not join us?"
Kaname only pursued that train of thought for a fleeting moment before replying, "Well… because that's one of the worst pick-up lines I've ever heard in my life?"
Innovation
"So," announced Leonard, with an unwilling Kaname at his side, "once we successfully complete Operation Great Beast, we shall revolutionise the future of warfare!" He yanked the cloth off the massive structure, unveiling it to his assembled henchmen.
The mechanical monstrosity stood at about the height of an apartment block, supported by a pair of sturdy pillars that served as its legs. The modern Colossus towered above its diminutive creator, staring down from its domed head with a pair of lifeless red sensors.
"Behold! I call it the…"
"Gundam?"
"Voltron?"
"Evangelion?"
"Megazord?"
"Metal Gear?"
It was a rare sight to see Leonard beat his head repeatedly against the nearest wall, but when it did happen, Kaname found it strangely gratifying.
The Moment of Truth
The white sports car pulled away from Amalgam Headquarters at maximum speed, its unwilling passenger sitting numbly in the back seat with an image of Sagara Sousuke, armed to the teeth, making a solitary last stand to secure their escape.
"The ARX-7 is set on autopilot for the nearest Mithril safehouse. Should you arrive, ask for Kurz Weber or Melissa Mao, and give them this."
He gave her one last look of – what was it? Regret? – and, against her violent protestations, bundled her into the car. There was a short, barked command: "Initiate escape protocol."
"…Roger that," the car's AI replied, and almost sounded doubtful.
"…Well done," Sousuke replied, and turned to Kaname. "I'm sorry I couldn't do any better."
Then he slammed the door, turning his back on them for the last time.
She handled the strange-looking wristwatch numbly, wondering why Sousuke had chosen to hand this, of all things, over to her as proof. And that strange analytical voice began to mock her through her tears, pointing out in morbid detail how the watch didn't resemble any watch she'd seen before, but had that unearthly quality that matched the car's interior…
And she saw everything.
It was as though the car, the watch… everything had just decided to unlock itself for her, down to the smallest component that made these devices tick. She knew how they worked – no, not just that: she also knew why they worked, even when all the logic and current technology in the world said otherwise.
Not that it helped her make sense of anything at that point. But what she knew, deep down, was that she couldn't let Sousuke die alone.
"You can hear me, can't you?" she asked detachedly, finally directing her question at a target which she could identify. "ARX-7?"
"Affirmative."
Someone Set Sousuke Up The Bomb
The car sliced its way through the walls of Amalgam Headquarters for the second time that day, well and truly displeasing the grunts who had been dispatched to repair the damage that Sousuke had inflicted during the first assault. They didn't have time to protest, though, before they were cut down by the gunfire from a sentient car and an avenging angel.
"Sensors show that Uruz 007 is alive – and is being held in the basement of this stronghold. I would enter, but…" The ARX-7's engine gave a sad whirr. "It seems that this body's width is larger than that stipulated for the corridors. In other words…"
"…I know how it feels," Kaname murmured sympathetically. "Okay, cover me – I'm going in." She swung out of the car and hid behind the bullet-proof door, waiting for a suitable lull in the fighting… and when the timing was right, she ducked down one of the side passages in search of Sousuke.
Oddly enough, she had no trouble actually locating Sousuke – helped, she decided, by her ability to obtain directions from a terrified guard after threatening him with unspeakable bodily harm. It wasn't a problem entering the room either – one burst from the built-in laser that had been mounted on the communicator, and the door swung free.
What she did have a problem with, though, was the rapidly-ticking timer that was so prominently displayed on Sousuke's chest – and, of course, the explosives that were attached to it.
For the first time in as long as Kaname could remember, she saw Sousuke's eyes widen in shock. "What are you doing here?" he shouted, horror flooding his face, as though he was more concerned over Kaname's presence than the likelihood of getting blown to smithereens. "Get out of here before you get killed!"
"Don't be ungrateful, Sousuke," she snapped. "Just trust me…" And before he had a chance to protest, she had already grabbed him by the lapels of his suit, taking a close look at the bomb.
Ordinarily, she would have been horrified by the complexity of the detonation device that Leonard had constructed – but with what she now recognised as Black Technology, the intricate patterns of wires that festooned the detonation device were plain to her. "Now, hold still…"
It didn't change the fact that defusing the bomb was still delicate business – one wrong move could still trigger it off. Kaname activated the laser, carefully ignoring the look of further surprise on Sousuke's face, and got to work.
Sweat dripped from her brow as she carefully nicked each control wire in sequence, every last cell in her body bracing against the inevitable explosive mistake… but it never came. The bomb fell silent, and the final look on Sousuke's face could only have been described as one of grateful amazement.
"Phew…" she forced out through clenched teeth. Then, all the tension draining from her in one fell swoop, she fell into the arms of her old flame. "Damn, Sousuke… don't you ever scare me like that again!"
"Chidori…"
"Don't 'Chidori' me! Do you have any idea what I went through, just seeing you stand there waiting to die, huh? Do you have any idea how painful it was?"
"Chidori!" His voice was more insistent now, and if Kaname had paid attention, she would have seen him sweating buckets.
"You idiot… I'm not going to let you die like this… not when I've still got so much to tell you… Not when we've got people to go back to, to see again…"
"Chidori! While I appreciate the timely rescue, I do not feel safe about being hugged when this bomb remains stuck on my body!"
"…Oh." She blushed, and got to work on removing the securing harness.
Metal Gear Sousuke
"We're too late…"
The Arm Slave had begun moving, tearing itself loose from the restraints that held it to the wall. "How are we going to stop it?" Kaname screamed above the sound of gunfire, even as Sousuke emptied magazine after magazine of small-arms fire at it to no avail.
"You know how to use the communicator, right?"
"Well… yes, in theory," she replied doubtfully.
"Good. Now, I want you to follow these instructions carefully…"
Sousuke pulled Kaname down, whispering a series of rapid-fire instructions punctuated only by short bursts of semi-automatic fire and Kaname's horrified, "But it won't fit!"
"…It will," he insisted, and futilely raked the Arm Slave's iron shell with another spray.
"Here goes…" she muttered, and began to manipulate the communicator.
"You fools!" Leonard exulted from his high position, "you should know better! Nothing is going to take the Arm Slave down –"
The ARX-7 tore through the basement wall and soared off the gallery ledge, scoring a direct hit on the delicate head sensors of the Arm Slave with its oligomolecular cutters before landing, albeit inelegantly, on all four tyres.
"Good job," Sousuke said, helping Kaname into the white sports car.
"Remember, our deal still stands," the ARX-7 grated. "Let us get out of this in one piece."
"That is entirely in your hands now," Sousuke retorted.
"What hands?"
The Final Battle: Leonard Sephirossa
"You two… have made fools of me… for the last time." Leonard arose from the wreckage of his prototype, silhouetted against the flames of his newly-demolished base. "I'll kill you!"
Kaname found herself gaping at the disgraced villain's dress sense. It was bad enough that Leonard had eschewed his elegant coat and business suit for some weird leather get-up, but the oversized tuna knife that he gripped in soot-blackened hands took the cake. When his destabilised state of mind was added to the mix, it made for a compelling picture – the type of person who'd try to take over the world or destroy it trying.
Sousuke, unfazeable to the end, simply picked up his one remaining weapon and stared Leonard down… but the latter could only laugh at the sight.
"This is ridiculous," he yelled out incredulously, pointing at the tube of toothpaste which had appeared Sousuke's hand. "Why don't you just kill yourself and spare me the trouble?"
Sousuke didn't even waste any breath in replying. Tired and wounded, his only response was to flip his palm up in a "come on" gesture, even though he knew that the odds were significantly against him. It was their only chance to end the affair. The two mortal foes stood atop the rubble, each with his own unfamiliar weapon, waiting for the other to make the slightest mistake…
…and waited. Leonard grasped the hilt of his sword with a death grip, his ragged breathing a testament to the collapse of his world as he stood…
…and waited. Sousuke, on the other hand, could not afford to handle his weapon with the same intensity, and had to settle for a looser grip lest the toothpaste spilt out. He braced himself…
…and waited. Kaname yawned, distractedly kicking at the flock of doves that were trying to relieve themselves over her shoes – and just as the birds took flight, the pair sprang at each other like lightning.
It was over the moment she blinked. Then there was nothing left but the two combatants, pulling away from each other through the cloud of diced pigeon, their exchange over before she even realised it. It was hard to tell just what had happened, or even if anything of consequence had taken place.
But Leonard was well aware of what had happened, and, in the tradition of all doomed evildoers, was gloating prematurely. "Ha! With those slow reflexes of yours… I could have slashed you three times!"
The three wounds that Leonard had inflicted opened up with a sudden rush of pain, rivulets of blood trickling down Sousuke's now-ruined tuxedo.
"SOUSUKE!"
Kaname screamed in concern and terror, rushing towards him in concern, but he simply gritted his teeth and turned to face his opponent with grim determination in his eyes. "…It's just as well, then," was his reply, and there was no emotion in his words – only the neutral finality that came with knowledge of the outcome.
"What do you mean?"
"I could only have blown you up once," Sousuke noted, pointing to where he'd stuffed the toothpaste and toothbrush – Tessa's homebrew toiletries – into Leonard's trousers.
"…Oh Sh–"
"The Captain would be proud," Sousuke commented as Kaname helped him stagger away, the two pleasantly oblivious to the exploding arch-villain in the background.
The Obligatory Conclusion (knowing Bond movies, you can guess what happens)
It was going to be a long journey back.
Sousuke and Kaname sat exhausted in the back seat of the car, letting the ARX-7's AI take over the driving duties as they fled the carnage. It was a long way to the nearest Mithril Safehouse, which meant, naturally, that they had all the time in the world to…
"Sousuke… I've been thinking."
"Hmmm?"
"Yeah, I was just reflecting over the last couple of weeks… About my life from now on, and about our relationship…" She sighed, this time with a wistful undertone. "You know, it's funny. Before this, I was making all sorts of grand plans, but never really gave much thought about whether I'd live to see them carried out – it just never crossed my mind. Now everything's changed. I probably can't go back to my old job anymore, and I don't even know if I'll be safe working with your organisation, no thanks to this forbidden knowledge floating around in my head." A shrug fell from her shoulders. "Guess all my plans are toast."
Sousuke's rejoinder was simply, "That is the soldier's life."
"What?"
"Once on the battlefield," he explained, his mind calling back memories and lessons of times past, "you cannot be sure if you will return safely. Situations and plans can change in an instant. The only thing you can do is to survive for the next second, and then the next minute, and then… until the battle ends." A twitch passed down his shoulders, reminding him of how he'd been minutes away from a fiery death until Kaname's timely arrival.
"Yeah, you think so too?" she mused. "To live for the moment, to seize the opportunity… That sounds like a good philosophy if you're not sure where your life's going." And with that, she kept quiet, and peace descended throughout the car's interior.
For only a brief moment, anyway.
She unbuckled her seatbelt, leaning over to Sousuke's side with what could only be described as "unholy intent". "Which reminds me. There's something which I've been meaning to do for a long time…"
"Chidori… What are you planning?" The flustered look on Sousuke's face matched Kaname's devious smile, and only worsened as she leant nearer and nearer…
"Oh, just seizing the opportunity…" she whispered, and pounced.
Last words: Like I said, that's about it. If anyone could do better, they're definitely welcome to write a proper conclusion to this. Personally… I should've learnt my lesson and stuck to one-shots.