Previously in the Darklyverse: Sirius and Remus broke up. Remus struggled to find a job after graduating. Emmeline battled depression. Lily entered the Minister for Magic race and named Mary her campaign manager.
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March 11th, 1979: Remus Lupin
Par for the course these days, Remus wakes up nestled under Sirius's arm and hating himself. Earlier this month, Lily moved her bed back into the other room so that Sirius and Remus could have a bit of privacy. It embarrasses him that they've even been doing this regularly enough that Lily would provide them a place to be alone together—that Lily knows—and for the millionth time, he tells himself he's not going to do this anymore, and for the millionth time, he knows that he's wrong.
Apparently, all it took for Remus to let Sirius touch him was for them to break up. He thinks it's horribly ironic that they broke up over this, but can't seem to get back together even now that Sirius gets to have what he still claims he wants. Either way, there's got to be something really wrong with Remus for allowing himself to stay in this halfway reality where he doesn't have to commit to moving on but doesn't get to commit to a real relationship, either. He wishes he and Sirius never broke up. He wishes he had let Sirius have his way months ago. He wishes he never kissed him for the first time in that dormitory back in sixth year.
Is this anything like what Marlene felt about Sirius back in fourth and fifth year when they were hooking up constantly? If it is, Remus has newfound sympathy for her, sees her and their relationship in an entirely new light.
"Morning, Moony," says Sirius low in Remus's ear. Remus pushes Sirius's arm off of himself and sits up blearily.
"I shouldn't be here," he says simply. "I've got to stop coming over here."
"Remind me again why this doesn't work?" says Sirius with a put-upon sigh.
"Because we don't love each other the same way."
"Who says I love you any less just because I'm not attracted to you in that way?"
"You do. It's all over your face every night I come here."
Siris groans. "That's not less, Moony. It's just different. Shouldn't it mean something that I love you enough to want to do things I'm not wired to do to get close to you? Doesn't that I mean that I love you more?"
But Remus is already out of bed, scrambling to get on his underwear and pull his robes up off the ground. "I have to go," he says distractedly.
"Stay for breakfast," says Sirius. "Lily would want to see you."
"Lily doesn't need to know I was here. That's none of her business."
"Oh, come on. We're not fooling anybody," Sirius says as Remus pulls on socks. "And anyway, since when do you care what Lily thinks of us?"
He gives Sirius a long, hard, searching look. "It really doesn't bother you, does it, what we're doing here? You really think we can play with fire and be fine?"
"I think I love you," says Sirius, "and I think it'll work itself out in the end."
"Is that what you said to Marlene when you were doing this with her?"
Remus regrets saying it the moment it leaves his mouth. "On second thought, don't stay," Sirius says. "People might think less of you for fooling around with a slag like me."
"Padfoot—"
Sirius resolutely rolls over to face the other wall and stops responding. "I didn't mean it," says Remus weakly. Sirius doesn't react. "Can I just—Padfoot, come on."
He creeps back up to the bed and puts a hand on Sirius's exposed shoulder. He tugs gently, and Sirius rolls back over, looking sour. "I'm sorry. That wasn't fair."
"I'll see you—" Sirius starts to say. Remus is sure he means to end that thought with tonight, but Sirius seems to think better of it and tries again. "I'll see you around, Moony."
Grudgingly, Remus casts a look around the room (even though there's no one else here) and leans in to peck Sirius on the lips. When he pulls back, Sirius looks heartened a little. "Bye, Moony."
"Bye."
It's not like Remus has anywhere much to go. James is still asleep when Remus gets back to their room, but the crack of Apparition wakes him up and he jumps up in bed just to settle back again. "Oh, it's you."
"Well, hello to you, too, Prongs," says Remus with a hint of a laugh.
"I just meant—it's early. How's Padfoot?"
"Fine," he answers, but his voice is clipped.
"You don't have to be so touchy about it, you know," says James. "It's not like I don't know. Everyone knows."
"Yes, well, that doesn't mean I want to talk about it all the time," Remus says. "Are you working today?"
"No, I'm off until Monday. Next weekend is my working weekend this month. You job hunting today?"
"Yeah," says Remus, "not like there's much point."
"Hey. You'll find something someday, and until then, I've got your back. Millionaire dead parents, remember? I have a whole fortune to splurge on you before either of us goes broke."
That's when there's a sharp rap on the bedroom window. Remus rushes over and opens the glass pane, letting in a snowy owl with a copy of the Sunday Prophet tied to its leg. He takes the paper, drops a Knut in the pouch on the owl's other leg, and tosses it back out to the outdoors. "Classifieds," Remus says to James, flipping through the paper and fishing for a quill. "Joy."
"Yeah, have fun with that," says James ruefully, rolling back over. Remus can hear him start to snore just minutes later.
As expected, the job search does not go well. He swings by four businesses with classifieds in the Prophet and picks up job applications, but he's not at all qualified for two of them, and the other two don't accept werewolves. By two o'clock in the afternoon, he's exhausted all the options he can find, and he returns home in defeat, shoulders slumped and head buzzing with resentment. He'd make just as good a librarian as any other applicant—better, far better, he's sure, with his eye for research and knack for organization—and yet it's Remus who isn't able to apply, to even showcase his skills and be up for consideration.
James is out, presumably at Sirius and Lily's, when he gets home. He makes lunch for himself and Alice, who keeps flashing him what Remus privately calls her "pity eyes," and then takes a nap until around four. When he wakes up, he has a migraine moment when he doesn't know what he's supposed to do with himself. He's got his friends, of course, and he's sure Alice would keep him company if he stopped holing up in his bedroom, but what would they even say to each other? What would Peter and Em? What would Sirius?
It's like the concept of small talk has completely fallen out of Remus's head. It's not like he has anything much going on in his life: he doesn't work, he's not in a real relationship, he has no desire to talk to anyone about whatever the hell is going on between him and Sirius. He almost wonders if Emmeline had the right idea last year, slitting her wrists like that.
And that's when it occurs to him: Emmeline! She's been in this position before and found a way to get through it. Their situations aren't exactly the same, but she at least might have some kind of idea of how Remus could go about trying to find meaning in his life again.
He knows she's off work today, so he Apparates outside of her flat and knocks three times on the door. "Hey, Em? You home?"
He waits. And waits. He knocks a second time, and he's about to Disapparate and send her an owl instead when the door opens. It's Peter, wearing a bathrobe and flushed in the face. "Oh, hey, Moony."
It takes Remus a second to place what he's interrupted, but when he does, he literally steps back with embarrassment. "Oh. Sorry, man, I didn't mean to… I just wanted to talk to Em."
"Em? Yeah, she's home. Come on in," says Peter, standing back and pulling the door open wider.
"Are you sure? Because I can really do this another t—"
"Yeah, yeah, no problem. Make yourself at home. Let me just go and grab Em."
Emmeline emerges from Peter's bedroom five minutes later, fully dressed and smiling like she doesn't just want Remus to disappear again. "Hey, Rem," she says, sitting down on the couch and patting the cushion next to her. "What's up?"
"I just wanted to talk to you about, uh… actually, about depression. Yours is better since we graduated, right?"
"It is," says Em, "but why—?" Remus just looks at her, his mouth twitching, and then she says, "Oh. I—I'm sorry to hear that."
"Things are—everything is just a mess. Things with Sirius—well, you've heard how that's going. And I'm not working, so I'm not busy, which means I can't take my thoughts off of how bad I feel, and there's nothing going on in my life for me to feel good about. It's just like—what's the point, you know? What do you do when it's like that? Because I don't…"
Emmeline sits there looking at him in silence for what feels like a long time. Just when he's starting to feel self-conscious about his outburst, she says, "Well, first of all, I'm sorry you're going through this. Depression sucks, and I wouldn't wish it on anybody."
"Thanks," Remus mutters.
"With Sirius—honestly, I think you should just talk to him. I'm not saying he's right and you're being irrational, but he seems to be under the impression that once you get through this, you're getting back together."
"Sirius and I are not—"
"So that's why you keep sleeping with him, right? Because you're never getting back together?" Remus doesn't have a good answer to that and just sits there scowling, hating himself. "As for the work stuff—obviously, I can't help you get a job, but have you ever thought about maybe volunteering for Lily's campaign?"
"Volunteering for Lily?" No, he hasn't thought of that before, and in hindsight that feels sort of foolish.
"It won't come with a paycheck, but it'll at least give you something to do all day so that you're not stuck alone with your thoughts all the time. I'm assuming that, you know—you're planning on voting for her and you support her and everything."
"I—yeah, of course. Of course she has my vote."
"You'd get to work with Mary all day," Emmeline points out. "I think she's been pretty lonely for a while now, so you might be able to keep each other company, keep the loneliness at bay."
"That's… actually a really great idea."
"I try," says Em, looking pleased. She sobers, then, and adds, "Look, I know depression isn't easy. It's probably not going to go away easily just because you make a couple of life changes, and I don't want to—not prepare you for that. I think the most important thing is to make comparisons, you know? I used to play games with myself—'here or dead'—finding reasons why where I was sitting and what I was doing was better than the alternative."
"Yeah," says Remus.
"Count the good things. Even with the bad things, try to find silver linings. You and Sirius are all messed up right now, but he loves you and you love him, don't you? That's a good thing, even if it's being expressed in… a not so good way." She laughs a little. "I'll stop preaching at you now, but I hope that helps."
"It… yeah. Yeah, that helps a little."
Em smiles at him. "I'm giving you a hug now," she says, and when she wraps her arms around Remus, he feels warm.
"I'll let you get back to your… you know," Remus says awkwardly. Em is still laughing when he Disapparates.