Previously in the Darklyverse: Lily and James went into hiding. Snape revealed that there is a spy within the Order of the Phoenix but did not know the spy's identity. Sirius started working with Emmeline at Scrivenshaft's. Emmeline and Peter started dating.

xx

March 5th, 1980: Peter Pettigrew

"Thanks for inviting me over here," Sirius says. "I would have gone to James, but he has enough on his plate with being under protection from the prophecy."

Peter feels a spark of annoyance at Sirius's words. Of course Sirius's first choice would be to talk to James, not to him. But he buries it, just like Peter buries every piece of resentment he feels toward his best mates all the time nowadays, and says calmly, "No problem. What's going on?"

"It's… well, it's about the Order, you know, what Snape said about there being a spy who's working for the Death Eaters."

Instantaneously, Peter feels like his chest has dropped down through his stomach to the floor. But then he realizes—Sirius can't suspect Peter. He can't. If he does, why would he be talking to Peter as his second choice after James? This isn't going to be an accusation of Peter: this is going to be an accusation of somebody else.

"I think… Wormtail, I think it might be Moony."

So Sirius suspects Remus. Peter can't say he's not surprised, because he absolutely is. What has Remus ever done to warrant suspicion that he's not fully dedicated to the Order and the fight against Voldemort? Peter almost says something to this effect, but then he realizes with a sick, guilty twist of his stomach—if he wants to keep the heat off of himself, one foolproof way to do it is to keep the heat on somebody else.

So he nods and frowns and says, "Why is that?"

"Well… you heard what Snape said about the spy being blackmailed into it, didn't you? I was just thinking back to seventh year, when Moony was poisoned—we never figured out who was behind it, did we? And I thought, what if that was blackmail? What if they told Moony they'd do him in for good if he didn't succumb and start feeding them information?"

And Peter has to play this very, very carefully because, if he says or does one wrong thing, he could be found out. He'd be found out, and they wouldn't just hate him—they'd disown him. Maybe even kill him. Peter may hate himself—loathe himself—but he doesn't deserve to die, and if he wants to stay alive, he has to find a way to straddle this line. He can't just agree with every suspicious word Sirius says and set Remus up like he's guilty: if Peter weren't guilty, it would take more convincing than this for him to believe the worst of Remus.

Peter says, "But this is Moony we're talking about. Say they did poison him to try to get to him. Who's to say that one thing the Death Eaters did to him on one day would be enough to sway him? I don't believe for a second that Remus could give in to the Dark side that easily."

"That's why I wanted to talk to you and Prongs," says Sirius earnestly. "Moony and I have been on the outs for a long time now—I don't know what's going on with him or if he's been acting suspicious. Has he?"

"Has he what?"

"Been acting suspicious?"

"I…" This is the tricky part, because if Peter lies and says that Remus has been acting fishy, but Sirius checks with James and James says everything is above board, Sirius could suspect Peter. He hates that this is his life. Hates it. "I haven't noticed anything, but I haven't been looking at him closely like that, either. I did see him bail kind of fast at the end of the meeting on Sunday, but I thought he might just be upset about the news and—well—maybe also avoiding you."

"He was definitely acting weird during the meeting," says Sirius, "but I always see him acting weird nowadays, and I've always been assuming it was just because he doesn't know how to be around me anymore. What if it's something else? What if it's…?"

"I'll keep an eye on him for you," Peter says. "But you should keep in mind if you talk to him—or talk to anyone, really—that any one of us could be lying about everything to us."

"Everyone's faith in each other is going to completely disintegrate, isn't it?"

"I… yeah, I think it might."

That's when Emmeline comes out of the bedroom and pads over to the kitchen, waving to both of them. "Oh, hey, Sirius. Long time, no see."

Peter snorts—he knows for a fact that they just worked an eight-hour shift together that only ended a couple of hours ago. Sirius grins and says, "Hey, Em."

"Stay for tea," says Emmeline, so Sirius does. They all sit around the kitchen table and chat for a quarter of an hour, and that's fifteen minutes where Peter feels like he can almost, almost let down his guard, where things feel normal and no one is second guessing one another. He wonders how much longer that feeling is going to last—how it's going to feel when everyone in the Order suspects everyone else.

He got lucky, going as long as he did without anybody on the Order finding out that there was a double agent among them working for the Death Eaters. Even now, he still counts himself lucky—lucky that Carrow and You-Know-Who haven't made Peter's identity known to the rest of the Death Eaters. If Snape knew about Peter, now that he's working with the Order, it would be game over. This way, there's still a chance that Peter can keep going the way he's been going.

Not that he's proud of the way things have been going. Still, he counts it as a good thing that Snape is on their side now. This way, Peter is off the hook from owing it to the Order to find out what he can about the Death Eaters and report it back to them—Snape is doing that job for him already. Maybe Snape can cancel out Peter's duplicity in a way that makes the playing field even again.

Or maybe he's just telling himself that so that he feels less guilty.

He reminds himself that he was Sirius's second choice for who to tell about his suspicions about Remus, that James and Lily picked Sirius to be their Secret-Keeper instead of him—that any time any of the Marauders want or need somebody, Peter comes in last. Peter can get back at them, a tiny voice inside his head whispers, before he immediately squashes it: however jealous Peter may be, his friends shouldn't have to pay with their lives.

But it's tempting. It's tempting to think of it that way, because that way, Peter is exonerated and no longer has to feel ashamed.

And anyway, what would Peter have done if James had chosen him for Secret-Keeper? Would Peter have turned right around and given away Lily and James's hiding place to Carrow to pass along to Voldemort? He likes to think he would have kept his knowledge a secret from the Death Eaters, but then, he used to think that he would never betray any of his friends over anything at all.

He gives them information in exchange for his friends' lives. That was supposed to be the deal.

But then Hyatt died, and Peter… Peter kept on feeding information up the food chain like nothing had changed.

When Sirius leaves, Peter and Em wind up on the couch, Peter's head resting on Emmeline's shoulder. "Bedroom?" she asks, but he shakes his head.

"Just sit with me here for a while," says Peter.

At least this one thing is going right in Peter's life. He doesn't know what he ever did to deserve Emmeline in his life, but the last thing he wants to do now is to mess it up and lose her. This is where he'll draw the line, he decides: anything that hurts Em is off limits. He hopes she never finds out that the spy is him. He doesn't know what he'll do if she finds out that the spy is him.

"Who do you think it is?" she asks as if this isn't exactly what's on Peter's mind. "The double agent in the Order, I mean?"

"I don't know," he says. He thinks it would be too much to build a whole case against somebody, but after a moment's consideration, he adds, "Sirius thinks it might be Remus. You know, because of that time he was poisoned. He thinks that might have been the Death Eaters blackmailing him."

"Remus?" Em echoes. "Huh. If Sirius were going to blame anybody, I've had expected it to be Dorcas."

"Bet you anything that Gideon thinks it's her," says Peter. "He's had it out for her this whole time, even for the years they were purportedly working together."

"I just don't see Dorcas as being capable of something like this. I don't see Remus as being capable of it, either. But then, I think about everyone we work with, and I…"

"I know," says Peter heavily. "I know."

The thing is, Peter has to continue to act like everything is absolutely normal. If he gives the appearance of cracking under the pressure of knowing that the whole Order is looking out for a spy, they'll find him. But what's his best chance at freedom? Should he pin the fault on Remus like Sirius seems to be doing? Invent a whole new person to blame? Feign ignorance and fail to accuse anyone at all? If it weren't Peter who was behind it, how would he react knowing that somebody else had betrayed them all?

He doesn't know. He wishes he knew, so that he could do that and take the heat off himself, but given that it's him, he really doesn't know how he would react if it weren't him.

And then it occurs to him—is it time to come clean? Would he be better off admitting to the Order what he's done and asking for their protection? Peter can't imagine that anybody who gets into the Death Eaters and backs out for any reason will survive You-Know-Who's wrath, so if he did tell Dumbledore what he's done, he'd probably have to go into hiding just like James and Lily have. Maybe he'd even hide with them—but then Peter reminds himself that Lily and James would be none too happy with him if they discovered the truth about him.

Peter doesn't want to ever see the looks on his friends' faces if they find out what he's been doing the last three years. Better to keep up the lie, he tells himself. Lie, and tell himself that he's better off creating some distance between himself and them—because if he can blame them for not being there for him enough, he can't blame himself for working against them all.

Can he?