Chapter 45 Decision

After a half hour of silence, Jade rose from her bed, and looked down the hall.

The candle light from adjacent rooms hung in the open doorways, and struggled weakly with the darkness. A steady glow of golden light blazed from Erik's bedroom.

Withdrawing to her comfortable room, she spent the next hour reading, and walking about. During her stroll, she noticed that the painting of Gillian had been removed from the room. Standing in front of that bleak patch of wall, she wondered where it had gone.

An hour later, she was finally tired enough to sleep. Relieved, she crawled under the blankets, and returned to her dreams.

0000

Hours later, she awoke to a silent house. Restless, she left her room, and walked down the hall.

Erik's door was closed, and she assumed that he was asleep.

The bright light of the front room glistened off the polished table as Jade sat down with her book and piece of fruit. She was about to take a bite when a faint noise alerted her to his presence. Glancing up, she saw Erik approaching her with a smooth step.

"It is good to see you up, my dear," he said graciously, as he took a seat across from her. Stretching out his long legs, he narrowed his eyes slightly as he held her gaze.

He was casually dressed with a fresh linen shirt and dark trousers which complemented his powerful figure. His hair was impeccably combed, and tied back with a black ribbon.

Jade eyed him for a moment, and tried to gauge his mood.

"Are you ready for breakfast?" he asked as he looked pointedly at her meager meal.

She nodded, and watched as he returned to the kitchen. He had an exceptionally graceful carriage. Her eyes fell to his waist, and fixed on the controlled movements of his hips which gave him a pronounced sexual air. As he disappeared into the kitchen, she realized that she had been holding her breath.

Moments later he reappeared with a tray of food which he set on the table. Slowly and deliberately, he pushed the plate in front of her, and then sat back with a glass of wine as he watched her eat.

During her meal, she occasionally glanced at his hands. She was remembering the first time she had really seen them. It had been in the stable on the day that they'd met. He had crouched next to her as he tended the wounded stallion, and their sure, gentle movements had caught her attention in spite of her fear. Shortly after that, his hands had appeared in her dreams.

As she gazed at them, she reflected on how she had instinctively trusted his hands, even when she had feared and doubted the man.

Finishing her meal, Jade pushed her plate aside, and rose. "Thank you Erik," she said quietly as she met his eyes. Then she returned to her bedroom.

After shutting her door, she sat on an upholstered bench in front of the vanity mirror, and stared at her pale, thin face for a few minutes. Then she rose, walked to the floor length mirror, and pulled the velvet cloth from its front. Dropping her robe to the floor, she turned to the mirror.

The silk chemise clung to her spare frame, and exposed her angular, thin body. Turning around, she stared over her shoulder, and studied her back side in the mirror. Her bottom barely jutted out, which was different from the current rage in female beauty—a glorified derriere.

Fingering the thin fabric, she blushed when she thought of Erik putting it on her. Did she have any secrets from that man?

She returned to the bench, and swept her hair back, pinning it with several decorative combs. Again she stared into her green eyes, and studied her face.

She knew that she wasn't ugly, but she wasn't particularly pretty, either. It had never mattered before. Jean-Luc had loved her just the way she was. And for her part, she'd never cared much whether people around her were beautiful or homely. It was a good natured temperament and intelligence that she wanted from others.

Turning her head in profile, she looked down her nose, and gazed at her reflection from the side. Nothing special here, she concluded.

Sitting on the bed, and pulling her knees to her chest, she thought of Erik. Frowning, she recalled her conversation with Pierre on market day months before. Pierre had asked her about her new feelings for Erik, and she'd replied, "I won't love someone who doesn't love me." And she'd meant it. She'd seen her share of foolish women who pined for men who ignored or used them.

Erik doesn't love me, she pondered. But he wants me for his mistress.

She was beginning to understand why he had refused to give up his search for her. She was an interesting oddity because of her dancing. And she was someone familiar, whom he trusted. He liked her, and had grown accustomed to her presence in his life.

He was a passionate man with physical needs. Erik couldn't have his diva, so she would have to do instead.

If only it were that simple for me, she thought sadly. Once she gave her heart, she wouldn't be able to take it back.

I'm not special enough to hold his interest forever. It would take an extraordinary woman to do that. She knew that she wasn't that woman. She wasn't Christine de Chagny.

Looking across the room, she spied her tiny reflection in the mirror—a thin woman with a pale face and burning eyes.

0000

The next few hours Jade spent in her room. She passed the time reading, and exercising her weak legs. Periodically she would stand by the closed door and listen. It was silent out there.

She was reading a passage from Plato when her door opened, and Erik stood before her with a tray of food.

"It is time for your lunch, my dear," he said firmly.

Setting the book aside, she looked curiously at the tray. There was a poached egg and a white shapeless mass with fruit preserves on top of it.

"What is this?" she asked as she tentatively poked at the white blob with a spoon.

"Fermented milk," Erik replied without bothering to look up at her as he stared at his book.

Jade ate as Erik read. Since he wasn't watching her every move, she occasionally looked at him. Her eyes traced the edge of the mask as she wondered when he had first worn it. There were things about him she suddenly wanted to know. Where had he grown up? What had his childhood been like? How did he come here to this place? When did he first fall in love with his diva?

The questions rattled in her mind, and piled on top of each other like a tower of books that swayed precariously. Jade wasn't in the habit of prying into people's lives, especially those who detested others' meddling. She had guarded her own secrets, and had a healthy respect for the privacy of others. Her new found curiosity about Erik felt strange.

Feeling a little groggy after her meal, she sat back and lazily looked about the room. Eventually her gaze rested on the spot where Gillian's portrait had once hung. Again she wondered what Erik had done with it.

She shut her eyes, and sadly remembered the child's face.

When she opened them, she was looking at Erik's mouth. Grateful for the distraction, she focused on his lips and studied their shape. As she gazed at them, they parted slightly. He has sensual lips, she mused. Even when he was stern, they were attractive. Compared to the rest of his features, they were soft looking, and seemed to invite intimacy. It had been a long time since she'd been kissed on the mouth by someone. Only Jean-Luc had done that.

Closing her eyes, she daydreamed of their nighttime rendezvous' when they would lie in the grass by the lake in each others' arms. It had been wonderful. Jean-Luc would linger over her, and shower her with endless, tender kisses. The last few months that they were together he had explored her mouth with his tongue in long sessions of passionate probing.

Her lips parted as she relived his excitement.

She had remained pure for their wedding night. After he'd died, Jade had deeply regretted that she hadn't loved him completely. If she'd known what was to pass, she wouldn't have cared what her parents, or the villagers, or the world thought.

Sighing, she opened her eyes to Erik's intense gaze. His eyes had darkened to a deep green, and they were burning into her. He was staring at her hungrily. Like a starved man, she thought.

After a long moment, Jade turned away, and went to the bed. Stretching out, she shut her eyes.

A few moments later, she looked in his direction, and saw that he had departed. He moves like a cat, she mused. Months ago, that would have disturbed her, but now she didn't think twice about it.

As she lay there, she meditated on Erik's aspects. There was the kind, attentive look he had when he was teaching her, and the cool distant one when he was annoyed with her. And there were occasional lapses of tenderness that slipped past his controlled façade. She smiled when she thought of the glorious way his face lit up while he was at his organ, as if he was having a private session with God. And then there was the sure, enveloping look he gave her when he sang to her as they crossed the lake—commanding her heart to listen.

Now she considered his hunger, which was deep and raw. It seared her. He might not love her, but his desire for her was consuming.

Rolling on to her side, she felt exhaustion mixed with sadness as she fell asleep.

0000

When Jade awoke, the candles had noticeably shortened, and she wondered what time it was. I don't even know what day it is, she thought as she stretched her arms over her head. It was always the same down here—eternal night.

Rising, she walked around her room, and wondered what Erik was up to. After a half hour, she went in search of him.

He was nowhere to be found—not in the front room, the kitchen, nor his bedroom. She glanced at the door to the outside, and considered going to the lake but then thought better of it.

After gazing at the organ, she went to it. She could see Erik softly touching its keys with the light gleaming around him. When she had first approached him earlier that day, he had been in his own world, wrapped in the beauty of his music. The moment she had stepped close to him, he had changed and become distrustful. Why?

Trailing her fingers along the bench, Jade sat down and faced the organ. Then she stretched her hands out, and placed them above the keys. Taking in a breath, she pretended to play as she had seen him do, her fingers hovering and unfurling, over the ivory. She remembered the melody, and replayed it precisely in her mind as she swayed her body in rhythm to it. When she was finished, she stared at herself in the mirror for a moment. A movement caught her eye, and she turned around.

Erik was sitting on the couch watching her. Quickly, Jade rose, and stepped away from the organ as he strode towards her. In a moment he was at her side, and towering over her.

"Would you like to learn how to play the organ, Jade?" he asked with a sultry voice.

Swallowing hard, she looked at him closely, and tried to determine his mood.

"I don't think I'd be very good at it," she replied as she edged away.

Erik stepped in front of her, and blocked her escape, as he looked intensely at her. He doesn't seem angry, she thought with some confusion. But he was acting strangely, and it was beginning to make her nervous.

After a moment, he stepped back and turned to the kitchen. "Your supper will soon be ready, my dear," he said casually as he lightly waved his hand towards the table. Dutifully, she went there and waited.

The meal was heartier than the last. Although she'd already eaten twice that day, Jade had a healthy appetite. Contentedly, she munched on her food, and sipped the small amount of wine that he had poured. Whenever she'd glance up at Erik, his eyes would be on her. Shrugging her shoulders, she decided that she wouldn't let it bother her. She had other things to consider.

Clearly, he had brought her here because he wanted her to be with him. But was she a guest or a prisoner? Did he expect her to give up her life above or would he allow her to eventually return to it? These were questions that need to be asked.

Erik cleared the table, and carried the dishes back to the kitchen. Again, her eyes followed him, but this time she felt a strange, new tingling between her thighs. His long legs moved well, and she looked at his derriere with a twinge of longing. With a quick shake of her head, she tried to dislodge the sudden thought of what he might look like without his pants. It seemed almost blasphemous to imagine that.

Settling on the couch, she opened her book of poetry and began to read. It was The Flowers of Evil by Baudelaire. The poet's images were strong, and gripping—a strange mix of lyricism with cutting cynicism. As she skimmed the passages, she couldn't help but think that if she had led the life planned by her parents, such a book would have never made it into her hands. But the possibility of that life had died when she had lost Jean-Luc. Since then, she had been adrift, forever moving, forever searching for a home.

Setting the book in her lap, she dreamily gazed into space. What does it mean to have a home? she wondered. Was it really a place, or was it a feeling? For five years, Jean-Luc had been her home. And when she came to the opera house, and had first set eyes on Gillian, she had known in a flash that the little girl would become her world.

She was thinking about the rolling hills of vine country, and of dark horses when Erik sat down next to her, and began to read his book.

Jade waited a few minutes before looking up at him.

The left side of his face was in profile to her. He was aloof, and regal. Such a rugged look he had, as if he would overpower all opposition, and yield nothing! She wished that she could magically make the other side of him appear—the softer, more youthful person who had lain beside her earlier that day. That was the Erik who would listen to her, and understand.

"Erik…" she began. He turned to her, and gave her his full attention as his eyes penetrated hers.

"There is something that I must ask you." Jade paused. Studying his face, she noted the tension in his jaw and around his left eye.

Lifting her chin, she took a deep breath and asked, "When I am ready, will you take me back to the world above?"

She watched as the feelings swirled in his eyes. There was a brief turbulence, and then an icy stare set in. Erik lowered his book, and turned his body to her. She watched the tightening of his neck muscles and jaw, and a subtle stiffening of his shoulders. At that moment, she wished she had something to hold on to as she faced the storm that was about to blast her.

They locked eyes, and neither one blinked.

As Jade continued to stare into his growing coldness, she saw the loneliness and hunger that lay beneath it.

Suddenly, without a thought, she leaned towards him and took his hands. Then she brought them to her lips. She turned each one over and lovingly covered it with kisses. When she finished, she looked into his eyes.

He was staring at her, stunned. His anger had fled, and had left behind the rough edges of his pain. In response, her own eyes filled with tears as she firmly held his hands.

He has to let me go, she thought as the tears began to spill out. Please Erik, for both of our sakes, let me go.

0000

Lying on her bed, Jade stared up at the canopy. She had been there for the last several hours since Erik had walked her to her room.

He hadn't answered her question directly, but his eyes had told her what she needed to know. When she was ready, he would release her.

She pondered over the vagaries of the human heart. After all these years, she had found another to love, and yet he couldn't love her back. His heart was chained, as hers had once been.

If only you had stayed with me last night, Erik! When she had awoken from her dreams, his love had seemed so real to her. And then later in her bedroom, when he had stared down at her with that cool expression, the doubts had returned. He was drawn to her, but he didn't love her.

She got up and wandered around her room for awhile. Then she walked towards the kitchen. As she approached Erik's room, she saw him lying on his bed. He was turned with his back to her and breathing slowly, asleep.

Pausing at his door, she stared at his long, muscular body. The feelings that she had had all day returned. What would it be like if she were to give herself to him? Would it heal his old love, or would it embroil them in a greater tragedy?

Turning away, she moved to the front room. Settling on the couch, she tried to distract herself with poetry but it was useless. She couldn't concentrate.

Leaving the house, she went to the lake where she stood by the hidden shore. Jade listened to the soft lapping of the water in that black and eerie place. This was a strange world in which to hide. The thought of Erik being here alone wrung her heart. He deserved better.

In the future, she could still visit him here but she wondered if he'd want her to. He would no longer be satisfied with their old relationship.

For the first time, Jade saw things clearly. She realized that she had been mistaken about him. There had been no others before her. For nearly two years, Erik had been alone with only the memory of his lost diva to keep him company.

A bitter companion, she reflected with sadness.

It was too chilly to stay there so she went back inside. Then she returned to the bedrooms.

Once again, she stood by his door and watched him. She didn't want to go back to her room. So instead, she sat on the floor with her back to the door frame, and gazed at the man on the bed. She wanted to get closer but she dared not enter his room without his permission. Her restless sadness lifted as she sat there, and listened to his breathing. Laying her head on her knees, she rested and eventually drifted off.

0000

Jade was lying in bed in the dark.

When she felt the soft touch of a hand stroking her hair, she turned over, and faced him.

The dim light from the hall had settled in his eyes, and lightly framed his face. He was lying on his right side next to her. She could barely make out the mask which was pressed into the bed.

It was a dream.

She couldn't have him in real life, but here she could do what she wished. Moving closer to him, she lightly touched his face.

Erik's lips softly met hers. They were as smooth and warm as she had imagined them. They slid across her mouth slowly, and then touched her nose and chin before returning to her lips. She sighed with delight, and opened her mouth in anticipation.

In answer to her plea, his tongue entered and stroked hers, while his lips closed around her mouth. His touch was wet, and lovely with playful thrusts and curious probing. She made a little sound of joy, and pushed her body against his. She wanted his arms around her. Immediately they surrounded her, and pulled her to him. Then his lips left hers, and he guided her face to his neck.

Instinctively, she mouthed the area with her lips and tongue. His scent was strong, and it drew her. She liked how his skin became slick from her mouth. He groaned and shuddered in response which made her more eager. Like a hungry infant, she suckled his neck as she clutched his shirt. After a minute, his arms released her, and his hands gently pulled her away for his neck. Then his mouth covered hers, and he kissed her deeply.

Somewhere, in that long kiss, she realized that it wasn't a dream. Erik was there with her, loving her with his mouth. The kiss continued and she lost herself in its intensity. It was a hungry, devouring kiss that ripped away their separation.

She had never been kissed like this before, with such need.

When he finished, he laid her head on his chest and held her tightly. His breathing was fast and hard, and she listened to its sawing rhythm with interest. Then she raised her head, and looked into his face.

"Erik?"

"What is it, my dear?" he replied hoarsely.

She paused for a moment, and then pushed ahead. "Will we become lovers now?" she asked quietly.

At that moment, Jade had made her decision. She wouldn't repeat the mistake that she had made with her first love. If Erik wanted her, she would love him completely.

His breathing slowed, and grew quiet as she settled in next to him and waited. Finally, he spoke.

"Jade, what would you like us to be?" he asked softly.

Without hesitation she answered, "Together."

The gentle stroking of her hair ceased, and Erik quickly rolled her on to her back. Before she could catch her breath, his lips were pressed to hers, and he was kissing her again.

A/N: dear readers, when I started this story, I had originally hoped to get to this point by chapter 25. However, the plot took on a life of its own, and I simply followed. I have been listening to your urgings to get on with the physical part of their romance so your reviews and PM's have helped me stay on track.

From now on, I will be updating at least every two weeks.

Now and then, you'll see some M rated material in this story. When I have a chapter that has explicit, sexual content, I'll put an M at the bottom of the chapter in an author's note. That way if you'd prefer to skip that chapter or just skim past that material, you can.

A big thank you to those who read and REVIEW! It's always good to hear from you. Your reviews encourage me, give me ideas, and let me know that you're enjoying this story. Please feel free to leave any thoughts or comments including corrections of historical content.

nativedreamer