Ehehehe. You can't exactly call this shounen-ai, it's just...crack. Pure crack. Crack paring, crack story. I wasn't trying to make it particularly good, so don't pick on me. Just...yeah.

And sorry it took me so long to update; this story took a surprisingly long time to write and there was a bunch of other stuff in the way...

- kina-chan

Deidara x Zabuza

Momochi Zabuza was unhappy. The other day, some stupid kid had caught his laundry on fire, so now he had no shirts to wear. It was cold without them. His zanbatou was rusty, but the villagers were so frightened of him they wouldn't give him any polish. Worst of all, he hadn't killed anyone in over a month. This was depressing and distressing to poor Zabuza.

The only bright spot in his life was Haku. In a world where people shied away from him and shot him withering glances from a distance, it was nice to have someone so…devoted to him. All he had to do was say the word and the kid would do anything for him. Anything. Haku washed Zabuza's dishes, took out his garbage, gave him shoulder rubs. He was even content to stay at the house and mend Zabuza's mangy, dishwater-grey socks while Zabuza himself went out to go practice slashing things. Yes, that Haku was a good kid.

"Maybe I should start paying him or something," mused Zabuza as he sat at his kitchen table, sipping his usual 5 AM cup of strong coffee. Thus began a five-minute inner battle where he struggled to decide whether it was unethical to give wages to someone who would do those things for you anyway. He had decided he'd just as soon keep his money when there was a loud banging on the front door.

Who's that? It can't be Haku, that's too early even for him, Zabuza thought as he picked himself up off the kitchen chair and dragged his body down the hall to the door. But when he opened it, a remarkable sight met his eyes.

The first thing he saw was blonde hair, loose and blowing in the wind. Then he saw the mesmerizing pale turquoise eyes. Finally his orbs rested on the fingernails neatly covered in nail polish. Purple nail polish.

"Who are you?" Zabuza grunted crabbily.

The person looked him in the eye and spoke with a smooth voice. "I'm Deidara. And I'm hungry, un."

Zabuza stared at them blankly.

The person groaned. "I want some food, un. What do you have?" Without waiting for an answer Deidara pushed past Zabuza into the house and made their way to the kitchen.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Zabuza yelled, quickly striding after them. "You little—" At that precise moment he realized he had no clue if this Deidara person was male or female. Without finishing his sentence, Zabuza ran into his kitchen to be greeted by Deidara's rear end—this being because the front end was buried somewhere in Zabuza's refrigerator.

"Get out of there!" Zabuza growled threateningly.

Deidara's face peered out from behind the fridge door. "Little what?"

"Ehh?"

"You were going to call me a little something, un. So what was it?"

This person was going altogether too fast for Zabuza. "A little—a little—I don't know!" Zabuza spluttered angrily. "Hell, I don't even know if you're a guy or a girl!" The words escaped from his mouth before he could realize what they were.

Deidara's eyes blinked once, twice. "I'm a guy, un," he said placidly. Then his eyes shifted from Zabuza's face, and Zabuza was suddenly reminded that he didn't have a shirt on. As though he noticed this now too, Deidara closed the fridge door and sidled up to the swordsman. "I could be a girl, too…un," he whispered.

Then as Zabuza stared at him, horrified, a new voice broke into the void. "Zabuza?" it called. "I'm here to do your morning foot massage." It was Haku. Zabuza felt unable to respond.

He could hear Haku coming down the hallway. "Zabuza? Where are you?" Then he entered the kitchen. "Zabu—"

There was a noticeable silence during which some crickets conveniently chirped.

Zabuza was uncomfortably aware of just how close Deidara was to him. "Hey, Haku," he said awkwardly. Then a second look at Haku's face startled him as he saw an unfamiliar blackness in Haku's large, limpid eyes.

"Who's this?" Haku asked slowly.

"Yes, Zabuza, who's this?" Deidara drawled, taking ahold of Zabuza's arm. "Your…daughter, un?"

Zabuza recoiled and pulled his arm away. He was about to retort something when Haku stepped up in front of Deidara.

"No, I am not his daughter!" Haku said through clenched teeth.

Deidara ambled away and opened one of Zabuza's cupboards. "Are you his girlfriend, then?" he asked candidly.

"No," Haku replied, cheeks flushing.

"His wife, un?"

"NO!"

"I'm, uh, going to the bathroom," Zabuza mumbled, desperate to make a getaway. As he…did his business, he could still hear the squabbling coming the kitchen. "I'm not a girl!" Haku was screaming when Zabuza washed his hands.

He came out of the bathroom to see Haku staring at Deidara angrily, face red as a beet and hands balled into two fists. Deidara, meanwhile, was still going through the cupboard and throwing out items at random.

Haku turned to Zabuza unhappily. "Zabuza, I don't like this person," he wailed. "Make them go awaaaaaaay!"

"Er," said Zabuza. He swiveled to face Deidara. "Uh, where did you come from, anyway?" He winced as an airborne cracker box grazed his cheek bone.

Deidara pivoted to stare Zabuza squarely in the face. "I was once of the village known as Iwagakure, un," he sighed in a tragic tone. "But then they discovered my secret nail polish factory in my basement, and then, well, things got dicey…."

"Secret nail polish factory?" Zabuza and Haku repeated in unison, identical looks of incredulity on their faces.

"That's what I said," Deidara confirmed with a nod. "Apparently there was something wrong with that…so yes, then they kicked me out of the village and labeled me a missing-nin, and so," he paused dramatically, "I am just a wanderer, un."

"Hold on." Haku's voice was unusually tight. "What gives you the right to just walk in here and act like you own the place? That's right, nothing! You can't just do whatever you want—you don't even have a connection with Zabuza!" His voice was growing higher in volume and tone with every word he said. "You don't sweep his floor, I do! You don't scrub his toilet, I do! You don't live your life for him, I do!" He took a deep breath. "You don't—even—give him—MORNING FOOT MASSAGES!" The last syllable ended with a shriek.

Zabuza blinked.

Deidara, meanwhile, shrugged nonchalantly. "Not my problem, un," he said, turning back to the cupboard.

Haku, Zabuza could tell, was about to explode. "Er, Haku?" he said tentatively, hoping the boy wouldn't go all crazy Makyō Hyō Shō on him unexpectedly. "It's not a big deal, really."

"But…but Zabuza," Haku sniffed. "Zabuza, you don't understand…." However, before he could finish he was interrupted by a loud exclamation from Deidara.

"BOOM!"

Zabuza and Haku swung around to see Deidara twirling in a circle, clutching a package to his chest.

"What has he got?" Haku whispered.

"Old firecrackers," Zabuza muttered back. "I've had them forever, I swiped them when I was a kid…."

"BOOM!" Deidara cried again. Without warning he raced down the hallway and burst out the front door, Zabuza and Haku close behind. In the blink of an eye he had all twenty-seven firecrackers lit and ready to go.

"Do something!" Haku yelled frantically.

"I can't now!" Zabuza shouted in desperation. All he could see was the slightly mad expression in Deidara's cyan eyes.

Then an instant later, BANG! All the firecrackers went off at once. The sound was so loud that Zabuza was sure his nearest neighbours—five miles away—could hear it. Haku screamed and grabbed onto Zabuza wildly as sparks and fragments rained down around them.

Finally the din ceased. A circle of ashes surrounded Deidara. "Boom, un!" he said giddily.

Zabuza cracked his knuckles.

Abruptly Deidara was on the road by Zabuza's yard. "I'm leaving now!" he cried happily as he began to jog away.

"But where?" Zabuza questioned helplessly.

"To some place where they appreciate my nail polish making skills, un!" the reply came. "Haku, you'd make one sexy chick! And Zabuza, you're hoooooot…." The voice faded away as Deidara disappeared into the sunrise.

The two individuals in the yard blinked. Then Zabuza slowly revolved to survey the damage. Besides a few scorch marks on the house, everything seemed to be intact.

"He even blew up the flower garden," muttered Haku in consternation. Zabuza stared at him. "What?"

"Since when do I have a flower garden?" Zabuza inquired blankly.

A faint blush appeared on Haku's otherwise pale cheeks. "Oh, you were off training, and I thought it would make the yard look more…home-y," he mumbled half-heartedly.

Zabuza grimaced and cleared his throat. There was an awkward silence which the crickets promptly filled up.

Haku's blush deepened as he moved closer to Zabuza. "I could be your daughter, you know…."

Please don't kill me. XD I'm afraid it's going to be a while longer for my next one, as I have to write a short story for English...difficult when all I've been writing is oneshots for the last week or so. So I'm not even pulling out the next two names until I'm done the rough draft of my story. Sorry, peoples.

As always, review, please!