Previously in the Darklyverse: Lily and James grew distance as a result of Lily leaving the safety of the Fidelius Charm to visit Snape. Sirius considered a career as a Hit Wizard. Mary, Sirius, and Sturgis tried to repair the Unforgivable Curse orb. Reg moved out when he found out about Mary being in the Order.

xx

May 30th, 1982: Lily Potter

It's Sunday, and Lily is in the final hour of a marathon bout of overtime at Zoudiams. It's not like she and James need the money, but with things so strained between them at home, picking up weekend shifts has been a blessing, even if it doesn't leave her with a lot of free time. James is trying—she appreciates that he's trying. He's apologized for attacking her about Severus, and he's been making an effort to do little things to surprise her around the house, like organizing art projects for Harry to give her and planting a whole garden in the backyard with all her favorite flowers (but no lilies—she's not that clichéd). But here Lily still is, picking up twelve-hour shifts to help out her coworkers so that she can avoid going home to her husband.

It's not like she's still angry with him. Even when they were fighting, she wasn't exactly pissed—she was more frustrated, disappointed, that he couldn't or wouldn't see where she was coming from. He seems to have reevaluated: he's told her that he shouldn't have assumed that she didn't have unresolved feelings about losing her best friend, not when she and Severus never really got any closure. James has even told her that she can come to him if she needs somebody to talk to about Severus, and Lily knows how hard it must have been for him to make that offer.

But how can she go to James for moral support when the thing she's trying to work through is about her feelings for somebody else? She's not saying that she's in love with Severus or even that she ever was, but she's almost positive now that he's been in love with her for a very long time, and as much as that horrifies her, given his apparent love of Dark Magic and what became of him after their friendship ended, it makes her feel guilty, too. How hard must it have been on him when she married the man who bullied him mercilessly throughout his whole Hogwarts career? How could she not have seen his feelings during the time they were friends? If she had known, could she have made a relationship with Severus work? Would she have wanted to try?

For the millionth time, she reminds herself that just because Severus wanted to be with her doesn't mean she's ever owed it to him to give him that. She immediately feels another surge of guilt, this time for even thinking thoughts like this about Severus when James is waiting for her at home, followed by yet another reminder that she can't control her feelings and doesn't owe it to James, either, not to feel anything about anybody else.

"You okay there, Lily? You seem distracted."

The woman speaking is Leanna Kelpis, one of Lily's coworkers—more of a mentor to her, really. She gave Lily her orientation to the hospital when she first started working here and organized her training to get her up to speed on the Healing protocols specific to Zoudiams. After going into hiding in Godric's Hollow, she'd used her Healing skills on members of the Order often enough that she wasn't at all rusty, but it's not like anybody at Zoudiams was allowed to know that—and so Leanna arranged for an intensive three months of on-the-job case studies and walkthroughs when Lily first started work. She's a tall, dark-skinned witch with an infectious smile and a total lack of filter, but Lily doesn't mind—she finds Leanna's honesty refreshing.

"I'm fine, thanks."

"Are you sure? Because you've been staring at the same patient's chart for the last two minutes without writing anything on it."

Lily flushes and starts to scribble notes about Dalton Proutwerth's recovery on his chart. "Sorry," she says when she's documented Proutwerth's evening vitals, symptoms, and progress (of which there hasn't been much—he's still showing serious signs of memory loss and confusion). "Long week, I guess."

"Here or at home?"

Leanna has no way of knowing anything about Lily's marital problems—it's not like Lily can say hardly anything about her personal life at work—but she still feels like she's being personally called out. "My, um…" She considers telling the truth—at least the part of it about her former best friend whom her husband used to bully coming back into her life—because at least she knows for a fact that Leanna wouldn't spread anything Lily might say back to James or anybody else in Lily's life, the way her friends from Britain probably would. But there's something about getting to put on her green Healer's robes and pretend to be somebody else, someone who isn't caught in the middle of a Dark war, that Lily doesn't want to give up.

She compromises with herself and says, "I've been worried about my friends back home is all. The war isn't going well."

The corner of Leanna's lips twitches. "Tell you what—I'll cover your patients for the rest of your shift, if you want."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Go swing by room forty-eight—there's a broken defibrillator in there that you can repair, if you'd rather focus on magic than people."

It surprised Lily at first to learn that Zoudiams uses technology so similar to instruments in Muggle hospitals, but it makes sense, when you think about it: it's helpful to be able to notice immediate changes in a patient's pulse or take an X-ray to see exactly which bones the patient needs to grow back. The difference is that Zoudiams's tech has all been charmed to do its job—they've taken the basic principles of Muggle medical technologies and developed spells that do the same things.

The hour flies by too quickly, and when six o'clock rolls around, she's forced to admit to herself that she's not ready to go home. But where else is she going to go? She can't exactly pop over to Scotland for drinks with Mary, not now and maybe not ever, thanks to Voldemort and the prophecy. In any case, it's the middle of the night in Britain right now.

She Apparates to Emosora to scope out the apothecary there—she's running low on a few of the ingredients she uses to brew Remus's Wolfsbane Potion every month—but she's made all her purchases within half an hour and has to admit to herself that she's got no further reason to stay out. Besides, James was expecting her home before now, and it wouldn't be fair to worry him by staying out late.

Back at the house, she's surprised to find Sirius with James in the kitchen; they're clearing the table of dishes with Harry, thumb stuck in his mouth, following them around. "I didn't realize you would be here, Pads," she says. "What time even is it in Britain right now?"

"Three in the morning," scoffs Sirius. "But I couldn't sleep anyway, so here I am."

"Everything all right?" James asks from behind her as she gives Sirius a quick hug. "I thought you'd have been home almost an hour ago."

"Sorry. I went to Emosora to pick up Wolfsbane stuff after work," she says, trying not to sound too suspicious.

James and Sirius exchange a significant look, and Lily is positive that they were talking about her while she was gone. "Well, I'd best be getting to bed—I have a job interview tomorrow morning," Sirius says, wrinkling his nose.

"You got the Hit Wizard interview?"

"Someone please explain to me why and how you told my wife about this before today and not me, Padfoot," says James, but he's smiling.

"Yeah, I was surprised too," Sirius admits, "but it's through the same department as the Auror Office, and Alice pulled some strings for me. If we're being technical, it's more of an audition than an interview—I've got to do a couple of duels, show that I'm capable of apprehending people. I'm sure it'll go fine—I just want to get back out there as soon as I can. Without Em, there was no way I was going back to Scrivenshaft's, and maybe this way I can actually catch some baddies, unlike in the Order."

Lily winces. Raids haven't really been happening without the orb operating properly, which has meant that Sirius and everyone else in Britain has been stuck doing damage control after the fact while deaths and torture skyrocket. "You'll get the orb working again, both of you and Mary and Sturgis."

Sirius scoffs, "How long have we been working on this without results? Sturgis and us, we're doing the best we can—but Mary's not much help, not that she ever was much help in the first place, but especially so now that her hand is all screwy and she can barely do any magic. She's been talking about dropping out of the team working on it, and I don't blame her."

She makes a mental note to owl Mary later tonight—they haven't spoken in a little while anyway, and Lily ought to check in with her. She's managed to stay remarkably connected to her friends from Gryffindor while she's been in hiding, even with the time difference—they've all been good about dropping by on Canadian mornings (British evenings) while Lily and James have been unable to reciprocate—but Lily had to hear about Cattermole moving out of Mary's place secondhand, and she's been feeling badly about it ever since. It's not just Mary's marriage that has Lily worried: she's afraid her friend has been spiraling ever since what happened with the basilisk, and Mary hasn't been that stable to begin with ever since Marlene died.

When Sirius Disapparates, Lily and James are left staring at each other for a very long moment before Harry starts tugging on the hem of Lily's robes. "Story!" he demands. "Story! Story! Story!"

"Mummy will read to you soon," James promises. "Go wait for her in your room, okay? She and Daddy need to talk for a minute first."

And then Harry is gone. James looks old and defeated and tired, but he tries to smile. "You've been working extra shifts a lot lately," he points out.

"Yeah."

"We don't need the money."

"Yeah, I know."

"You've been avoiding me, haven't you?"

The weight of exactly how terrible of a wife she's been lately falls down on her then, and she ducks her head. "Do we have to talk about this right now?"

"We have to talk about it sometime. I don't want us to end up like Alice or Mary. I want to fight for you. People aren't supposed to give up on each other the second things get hard."

She's sure James doesn't mean it this way, but her mind immediately jumps back to sixth year, when she kissed him and then proceeded to dodge him for months before they made up. Because she was in over her head. Because she was afraid. Doesn't she remember how guilty she felt when she finally let him back in for all the time she'd iced him out without his deserving it? "I don't want that, either," she admits softly. "I don't want to leave you like Alice left Frank. I just… don't know how to talk to you about him."

"Lily, I've told you that you can. I'm not going to give you shit about your friendship with him, I swear."

"Are you sure you can do that? Are you sure you can listen to me admit that I'm—confused and hurting over somebody else and not let your old prejudices blind you? Say what you want about him—lord knows I've been feeling disgusted with him myself ever since we knew for sure that he had joined the Death Eaters—but he was my best friend, and I'm always going to have love for him. Can you really be objective about that?"

And it's not really until she says it that she admits to herself it's true: she does have love for Severus still, even now, even as horrifying as his life choices are to her. James's eyes narrow, but only for a second, and then he opens his palms and says, "You have to let me try. We owe it to each other to try."

"But I don't even know what to say about him. I don't understand how I feel, and I feel vulnerable even just sorting through that by myself, let alone…"

"I don't need you to understand, okay?" says James earnestly. "I don't need you to be perfect and have everything all figured out. I just need… I want you to love me enough to let me share this part of your life. Lily, please."

She considers it for a moment. "Harry's waiting for me. I can't do this right now," she says finally, and James's face drops until she adds, "but—ask me again tonight. We'll talk tonight."